What defines your relationship? rules? boundaries?

[jacmom1003]

I am in love with this man. We've spent three years working on us... a majority of just talking... to our now relationship. After a year of this relationship... I'm unsure of a lot. The only thing I know is I love him. And I want to spend my life with him. My question is what do you expect in a relationship? What are some of the rules... guides... expectations. I know everyone is different I'm just curious what majority says. Here's a simple version of my dilemma :

 

I have insecurities...trust issues... I foolishly have smothered him unknowingly. I would spend every minute of every day based on him. I didn't know I was pushing him away. I enjoyed it so I thought he did too. However. We just started speaking after a week. I feel as though he is retaliating. He says he loves me. Says he doesn't want to leave me. But did almost leave me. I promise to change my ways... give him more space as I understand personal space is necessary. But I feel as though this is revenge. He had all week without me because he was mad. We reconcile Friday. He claims to have been bragging about going out because he was so excited but I see it as throwing it in my face.

 

He feels like his space means I don't need to know where he's going.. when he's coming home.. because its his freedom. I later found out he didn't even go where he suggested he was going. He woke up Saturday and accused me of being mad so here goes the silent treatment again. He goes Saturday does what he does... Sunday silent treatment continues. Monday I am begging and pleading for a chance to change my ways. To make this work. They say relationships take work.. effort. We actually had a good night. I ask him if we can do something on Friday and he informs me he already made plans. Shouldn't he have said something just out of respect? Not like a parent child issue.. just courtesy. I get mad... then ask for Saturday.

 

He already has plans. So I'm shot down for both weekend nights. In my mind... he had last week and weekend basically as a single man no rules no nothing... shouldn't I have been a priority? Shouldn't he have wanted to be with me more then his not so solid plans? After me saying whatever do whatever he tells me his plans Saturday involved me.. why would you insinuate they didn't to get a reaction ? He tells me things just to see what I'd say. He does it knowing what will happen and its my fault for giving him reactions he expects and aren't necessary but why play games? I lay it out to him... am I worth fighting for? I know everyone has those moments where they say the wrong thing and realize it moments after.

 

But a question such as that is answer yes. His response was over what? What reason is he fighting for me. Should that matter? Because if you love me... it shouldn't matter the reason in my eyes. Then he says he would fight for me but he won't live like this. He tells me he's saving money to move if basically he doesn't get the change he wants (his freedom) and tells me he is taking vacation in November. I ask if its with me he says no. Not only was I clueless to his plan... not invited? Shouldn't something like that. A first trip to Vegas. Be a together thing? He's a unique person. And I know I signed up for this. I just want to know... where is the line drawn? What should a relationship he like if you love that person? In general.

 

I know people come to different agreements in their personal relationships. I'm the first to admit I'm not perfect. I was wrong. But two wrongs don't make a right. I feel like payback for smothering him is him having a free life. But that life is for single people. Call me old fashion... this is what I see a relationship as. I see it as enjoying everything you do with that person. Trusting that person with you secrets. Spending time apart but eager to be back together. Choosing that person you love above others. Let them know their still wanted.. there appreciated... there loved. Compromising. Not hurting each other. I want to be the couple people admire.

 

I just need help.. advice... sometimes I feel like I'm dealing with a child... he doesn't always listen. He udnt always serious. And gets angry if pressed to hard...which turns into a silent treatment. I can give more details from the course of time events leading to now. Help?

Edited September 14, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

we worked out our issues one at a time, some issues could not be resolved until full trust. So here is the list i have gathered in our relationship.

 

no expectations

open in communication

undertanding each other

acceptance of who we are

free to speak our minds even if it is uneasy

trust

love

able to connect without much guess work

sharing each others passions

allowing for growth as things change in dynamics

sharing 50/50

 

 

if all is met, there is little conflict, and a fulfilling relationship, that nothing can get inbetween.

[Lady2163]

I don't know how old you are or who you are in the relationship.

 

Not talking to someone because you are mad at them is childish. When a MM pulls that stunt, it is doubly worse since there are times you CANT call or talk to him.

 

Communication is important. When I am in his town, I do ask what his schedule is, not to control or manipulate, but if he is busy say, from 500 PM on and I won't see him until the next morning, I make other plans. Going to his city is a mini vacation for me. I try new restaurants, shop at places I don't have, revel in seeing two movies. I specifically told him I am asking so I can make plans. He doesn't expect me to wile away hour after hour in the hotel.

 

Rules....

He must call me the day after we have physical contact. I can't make him feel any less guilty if he does feel guilty, BUT I don't like to feel like a sperm receptacle.

Condoms.

 

Gee, that's about it. We don't love each other, we're buddies and pals and like each other, but he isn't leaving his wife and I'm not asking him to. We both treat each other decently. We respect each others limitations. We don't fight.

[PreciousOne]

it shouldn't be a big deal to spend time with someone you love. Yes everyone needs there space to a certain extent but an entire week??? Him being childish and not speaking to you is ridiculous. It's like he's picking arguments to find a reason to be upset about something. Maybe he wants out and just doesn't know how to tell you or maybe he's unsure but something isn't right. This isn't normal relationship behavior.

[whatatangledweb]

How long ago did he start acting like this? Or has he always been this way and you didn't notice? Is he married?

 

He is being rude. He should be telling you if he has an issue with you not ignoring you.

[goodyblue]

I would never allow anyone to treat me that way. Why are you allowing this? I understand that all relationships are different but he is a giant baby and you don't need to be punished. I would end it over behavior like this. I am sorry he is treating you so shabbily.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

in my case, no boundries, and the only rule is to be openly honest.

 

sometimes i have scared, and many times have confused, but she never complained once. just i give too much of everything at times, due to lack of time and being so far away.