Pinklotus Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 Cold turkey, no contact whatsoever. Contact only revives the feelings and you can never heal. Consider counseling to get yourself centered again. You can do this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author neverdonethisbefore Posted September 23, 2014 Author Share Posted September 23, 2014 Thank you all for your support and kind words. On the face of it, my marriage isn't that bad. My husband has just lost interest in me. I hope that maybe we can revive that. We have been talking about going away for a weekend together and I hope that maybe that could be the start of our getting back together. I do love my husband and I really would like our marriage to be more fulfilling. Maybe I can convince him to go to counselling but I am definitely going to go to counselling myself. This is still very difficult, I am hurting so much. I have cried and cried. I just don't how I could have been so stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
SusiePie Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 That hot-and-cold behaviour is a HUGE red flag. I know this from personal experience. When someone truly loves you, they will not play games with you or mess with your head. Usually, there are a couple of reasons why folks do this : (1) People who are emotionally unavailable or have other issues pull this sort of thing to prevent you from becoming too comfortable / cozy in the "relationship" or affair. By blowing hot-and-cold, he keeps you on the edge and makes you paranoid / needy / clingy - all of which translates to MASSIVE ego strokes for them when you react with desperation and frustration over the (false) fear of losing that person. It also sends you the silent message that you two are not an item yet (and probably will never be) ! (2) The hot-and-cold behaviour could also be an expectations management thing. He may try to see how badly he can behave and still have you coming back for more. He may be "training" you to be at his heck and call, while not always meeting your expectations or needs from him, resulting in a win-lose situation here (win for him, of course). At least this is my belief on the hot-and-cold thing. Exactly what is it that you are getting from this "emotional" affair (aside from being treated like crap) ? It is not like he is giving you red hot sex and physical fulfillment, and it isn't like he is meeting your emotional needs (any more than your husband is) so what is it that draws you to him like moth to flame ? Is it the promise how good it can be IF ONLY he would be always attentive, always affectionate, always around ... ? The way I see it, it isn't the reality of the situation as it currently is that is keeping you hooked to him. It is the promise of WHAT COULD BE that is. Listen, I have been in your shoes (but not with a married man). I know first hand how WONDERFUL it is when they do give you their full attention and turn on their charm, and how AWFUL it is when they disappear a couple of days later, and are gone for weeks / even months. The heady feeling that you get when they are hot is like an addiction - you keep craving it more and more - and the hurt and disappointment you feel when they go cold and disappear are the withdrawal symptoms you suffer when you no longer have access to that addictive (hot, so-into-you) stuff. The only way to get over this guy and his games is to quit COLD TURKEY. Again, from experience, the first week or so will almost kill you. You will crave him desperately but do not cave in. He may not even realize that you have gone MIA (especially since you suspect that you are not the only one he is messing with) but when he does need an ego stroke and cannot find you around, he may figure that his game is up and come around, all hot and charming again. Stay strong and see this guy for what / who he is. He is married, cheating on his wife with possibly more than one woman, and he isn't above playing games with the women he is stringing along. What do you want to bet that he will stay married even if you left your husband, because why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free ? If he has any children with his wife, then it is all the more important for him to stay in his marriage, no matter what BS he spews at you about leaving her to "live happily ever after" with you. This will not have a fairy tale ending. I am sorry, I am not trying to be mean or cruel to you, I am just stating a fact based on what you have posted here. If he has MULTIPLE "side chicks", that is exactly what he is seeking. He is not looking for a long term relationship / marriage with you (or with anyone else). He just wants to have some fun on the side, and there are women to provide it to him without him having to do anything but chat them up. When he does tell you that he will leave his wife if you leave your husband, he is being a psycho jerk. He is just basically telling you whatever it is you want to hear, so you will give him whatever he wants from you at that point in time. He might even tell you that he will spirit you off to Andromeda if it gets you to put out, and not even remember it two minutes later, and after the fact. He is playing you like a fiddle. He isn't a true friend. He is a user and loser. I am willing to bet that your ass will be grass the minute he can find someone to actually give him some free sex on the side, and not just "talk" all the time. Walk, not run, before you waste any more time on him. It would be the best decision you ever took ! Good luck ! This is a fantastic post and one I find totally RIGHT ON. I have c/p for future use too. I was totally caught up with my MM and this breaks it down so well. OP - read and read this post. I was in your shoes, just a few weeks ago, and once you have distance things will be so much better! I wager the feelings you have/think you have are manufactured for your man's shallow fun and once you get distance you won't think he or your situation are really so special. Withdrawal isnt fun. I am having effects like I did when I quit smoking. No matter how bad you might feel, I swear it gets better rather quickly. You are not in a healthy relationship and when the smoke clears you will be so grateful. I cannot believe how much better life is away from the MM and his games. I'm royally pissed though too. NC is the way to go. Truly. I can't speak for your own marriage, I am not married (widow), but at least you can make decisions based on YOUR thoughts and your own dynamics with your husband - not with this selfish selfish man using you for his own kicks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author neverdonethisbefore Posted September 25, 2014 Author Share Posted September 25, 2014 Wow, this is harder than I thought it would be. My husband is away for the weekend this weekend and all I can see is a lonely weekend dragging in front of me. In the past, I would have spent an evening alone talking to my EAP but now I can't and I have no idea what I am going to do. It's ridiculous, I'm a grown woman - I should be able to get over this so easily. I miss him though, so much. I have lost not only an AP but a friend as well. We've been friends for years and years. I am really sad and really struggling. He has messaged me a few times asking me to please stay in contact with him. I just don't know if I can and can't face the idea of not. Link to post Share on other sites
SusiePie Posted September 25, 2014 Share Posted September 25, 2014 Wow, this is harder than I thought it would be. My husband is away for the weekend this weekend and all I can see is a lonely weekend dragging in front of me. In the past, I would have spent an evening alone talking to my EAP but now I can't and I have no idea what I am going to do. It's ridiculous, I'm a grown woman - I should be able to get over this so easily. I miss him though, so much. I have lost not only an AP but a friend as well. We've been friends for years and years. I am really sad and really struggling. He has messaged me a few times asking me to please stay in contact with him. I just don't know if I can and can't face the idea of not. The first month was a blur for me, I get it. I just sat through it and FELT it, even though it wasnt pleasant. I did some netflix bingeing too, watched 1 or 2 seasons of a series I didnt watch before. It distracted me some. If your husband isn't home at least you dont have to pretend to be "normal". You will stay attached to MM "forever" if you talk with him continuously. Give it some months, then decide if you wish to keep up a friendship with him. I won't lie, I feel lonlier now that the affair is over - I used to get so excited and happy when his name popped up on my phone - BUT I also had too much time filled with anxiety and dread for my future. The calm I feel is worth is, even with lonliness, and I feel like I can have a future with someone now (not possible with a MM). Link to post Share on other sites
hello234 Posted September 25, 2014 Share Posted September 25, 2014 " He has messaged me a few times asking me to please stay in contact with him. I just don't know if I can and can't face the idea of not. " Hows it going dear? Did u go weak and get back into contact or still moving along with no contact? I can totally relate to u as I also just ended my affair.He emailed me and we continued a long thread of email , with him saying how depressed and sad he is and that he loves me etc..and I don't have doubt he is in pain but , I donno for some reason I feel my decision is going to bring me peace..say that I continue with him, I have to keep hearing about his wife, the trips he makes, his social circle.. and all that makes me feel sad that I cant be part of his life and I cant be the one to spend and enjoy those things with him..so why not let him go and life his life? You all think i'll have more peace this way by completely letting him go? Sometimes thts what I feel.. the pain of still being in touch with him, etc, is overbearing the "peace" that I may feel if I am not in touch with him... Do u feel the same way neverdonethisbefore? Link to post Share on other sites
brightonrock Posted September 27, 2014 Share Posted September 27, 2014 (edited) What a spot on post from offrail earlier on in this thread....I've had my head completely twisted by this 'hot/cold, push/pull' kind of thing for nearly nine years, sucked me in hook, line and sinker. It helps so much to read posts such as this one. Edited September 27, 2014 by brightonrock Link to post Share on other sites
Author neverdonethisbefore Posted October 1, 2014 Author Share Posted October 1, 2014 He has now initiated complete NC. My heart is broken. This is the first day of absolute NC and I feel sick and anxious. I don't know how to cope with this. I knew it was over, it was my decision but being in complete NC has brought it home to me all over again. How on earth do people get through this pain? I have spent the last hour at work crying in the ladies toilet. I wish I had never done this now... I know it's for the best but right now all I want to do is give in and contact him. Link to post Share on other sites
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