I dont give men a chance if theres no spark!!

[Lonestar]

Originally posted by Bubbles

OMG......Lonestar! It's really great to finally meet a woman in her 40's with the same problem usually I get snorted at when I verbalise how I feel.

 

 

Not quite 40 yet, but 38. I look about 25 and I'm very petite too. I've got three kids but I'm in great shape b/c I work out hard. It just seems the majority of men our age are wrecked! Wrecked girl!

 

If I take care of my body, I want my man to care about his too. It seems like only the younger men take the time to do this, and the 40 year olds complain they don't have time b/c they work and have kids, etc. Well so what, I work, have kids, and I find the time to care about my appearance.

 

The youngest I dated was 25 and that was way too young. I'm trying to keep the guys between 30 and 37. haha Btw, there really is nothing wrong with dating a younger man. You should try it. The majority of them may not be mature enough for a LTR but there are many who are "all grown up." You just have to weed through the bad ones like you would the 40 year olds.

 

I'm not looking for a whole lot in common right now (as far as age and kids go), just someone who knows how to have fun, and sparks some lust in me.

[clynn]

I'm on my way out for a date tonite that I don't (think) have spark for the guy and I'm dreading it actually.

 

Partly cuz I just feel tired and like I have errands to run, studying to do, anything but...

 

I mean he is nice, and really cute too. Truth is that I noticed him right off when I met him cuz I thought he was cute (basically he was the cutest guy working on the same project as me so I always like to amuse myself by finding the cutest guy in the room!)

 

Well, lo and behold, by the end of it all, he asked for my number.

 

But he kinda blew it I think.

 

He asked me out for a date on a Tuesday, without really figuring into account that maybe after a long day of working I don't actually want to go see his friend's band play when I would more likely be getting ready for bed at that hour.

 

So I said yes at first feeling obligated but then cancelled and suggested something for a Friday. So far I've made the plans, arranged tickets for the show we're seeing....and he hasn't really had any guts to figure out anything.

 

TOO MUCH WORK!

 

I'll probably have to pick him up too! I'm tempted to tell him I'll meet him there!

 

And he is younger than me. I'm not sure by how much, but probably at least 5 years.

 

Who knows?

 

Maybe I'll be swept away by him by the night's end.

 

You never know.

[Groovy]

The book Mars and Venus says men know and are so visual. Women however can meet someone who looks like Joe Average and be swept away with intellect or sensitivity. At least that's me. Give the guy a chance, some men also just get nervous and say stupid things and aren't themselves for you to know.

 

If your like me you may pick apart everyone you meet, without intention and shoot yourself in the foot from attaining happiness with a man. I didn't realize I did it for so many years until a few years ago when I hit my late 20's. Since then I try to date anyone for a few dates, unless I am grossed out by them or something. Many times I have been on the fence with an average guy or seeminly boring man and found I have a great deal in common with the guy I am with down the road. And they may just know how to touch you, even with kissing to get a spark aroused in you.

 

Best of luck!

[d'Arthez]

The book Mars and Venus says men know and are so visual. Women however can meet someone who looks like Joe Average and be swept away with intellect or sensitivity. At least that's me.

 

I object, to that statement Groovy. These things might happen sometimes, but don't hold true for all men or women.

[Groovy]

No of course, not every female but I think many.

[d'Arthez]

Groovy, I think your statement

Women however can meet someone who looks like Joe Average and be swept away with intellect or sensitivity. At least that's me.

becomes true for men and women above a certain age.

 

The qualities we look for in a partner change, as most people are totally unknowing what to look for in a partner in their early twenties. Qualities that are important then (popularity, looks et cetera), lose importance to qualities like intelligence, sensitivity, intuitivity.

 

Men also become less shallow, when they finally have lost the vigor of youth. Suddenly they discover that looks are not everything.

 

Women are just as shallow as men. Men are more obvious about it though.

[Groovy]

100% agree!

[YummyMummy]

I agree with whoever said that older men dont look after themselves as much! Even at my age, 24, they are already beginning to slide on how they look so im not attracted to them.

 

Although they are more mature they dont do anything for me and i find myself looking at 18 yr olds when im out! And its true that us single mums dont hassle men as much coz we are busy with our kids. So it gets on my nerves when men do it, another pro of a younger man.

 

I also look younger than 24 so i attract the younger ones but they only want sex n think that as a single mum i should feel grateful or something!

 

Where as the older ones think they are on to a good thing coz us women look after ourselves and make an effort and we are their age, but age is all we have in common.

[d'Arthez]

YummyMummy,

 

Maybe the problem is that you still have the standards of your younger days. Young men may be attractive, but if they lack the earning power, the intelligence, and the sensitivity to be suitable for a relationship, you'd leave yourself with someone who is only in it for the sex.

 

Most men eventually find out that looks are not everything, getting drunk on a weekly basis is not healthy, and that there is more to a relationship than the way a girl looks.

 

I can't comment on your situation, but you can't have a Mr. Perfect if you are not a Ms. Perfect yourself. If you have unrealistic expectations of a partner, you'd better drop them. Otherwise you make it impossible for yourself to find one.

[YummyMummy]

d'arthez

 

How do you know im not perfect? ha ha only joking

 

Ya right i do have high expectations, but a spark is more important. Take my ex for instance, he was the exact opposite to what i want but i loved him loads.

 

Its just the younger ones are more fun and ot as demanding, but if i met someone older n it felt right i would be so happy

[moimeme]

theres was a huge attraction, which i know was lust at first but grew into love!

 

You were lucky. Often the huge attraction turns into dislike and distaste. And that's not the only way to fall in love, in fact I'd say it's probably rarer that lust will turn into love than the other way 'round.

 

I don't know......maybe that would be a good thread starter What do you think?

 

"If you were a 40 year old woman, would you date a younger man?"

 

Do a search - we've had threads about that. The majority opinion was 'hell, yeah!' LOL

 

It's just that I feel like no guy wuold be willing to be an active part of mine and my children's lives right now, or any time soon.

 

That may be your opinion, but you've just made that judgement for thousands of men. Allow the man to make his own decisions. There will be men who aren't interested, yes, but there will be others who'll think it's great.

 

Women however can meet someone who looks like Joe Average and be swept away with intellect or sensitivity. At least that's me.

 

That is absolutely me. I've gone with the 'spark' method and I've also fallen for someone gradually over time. I'll take the latter method any day. To me, real passion is the lust generated by deep love, versus the other way 'round.

 

And they may just know how to touch you, even with kissing to get a spark aroused in you.

 

True dat. I've said it before, but a couple fellows I knew and thought nice but weren't in lust with kissed me and set fireworks off. Surprised the heck out of me but taught me that the 'spark' can be set off many ways, not just by that pheremonal whatsis that gets you.

 

And that 'spark' - if you're talking about lust - is no indicator that you'll be good together in a relationship. It may mean you both want to roll in the hay together but there's a heck of a lot more to life than that.

[liswil]

I'm going on a date tonight with a guy I met a few weeks ago. He's very attractive, nice,etc... but I'm not sure if I really feel a spark. Tonight will be the third time we go out.

Unfortunately the ones I DO develop sparks with are usually not very good partners.

 

I don't think you should go by that instant chemistry. While it's really exciting and fun, it doesn't mean that the person is going to be a good partner. The bad thing about that kind of chemistry is that it causes you to ignore any red flags that might appear.

 

I do with at least a little chemistry with this guy so that's why I'm giving it a chance. If I felt none, I wouldn't.

 

Also, i don't feel chemistry with too many people I meet. That makes things more difficult.

 

What bothered me is reading a post on here which said something about not wanting to kiss them by the second date. We did kiss on the second date but I can't say that I had been really dying to.

[moimeme]

We did kiss on the second date but I can't say that I had been really dying to.

 

But was it a good kiss?

[clynn]

okay, so i sounded cranky in that message which probably wasn't a great state of mind for a date.

 

He is nice and cute. Really shy.

 

It was an all right night.

 

I was pretty tired.

 

Also, ...... I once went out with a guy because my friends prodded me too, he was really nice, shy, seemed great. Well, we ended up together for 5 years. That should have been a good thing but it wasn't really. I mean he was loyal and patient.

 

But beneath his shyness he was also controlling and possessive. Now I obviously let him be that way and stayed with him.

 

But I stayed with him anyhow, as my loyalty grew first and then my attachment. And then it took me forever to just break it off.

 

So, yeah, I kinda vowed after that not to second guess myself. I thought that in that case I didn't have the spark at the beginning, but went with it anyhow. And it didn't turn into a good relationship.

 

So I felt like that was a lesson in following your gut regarding: Sparks.

 

Sparks are God's way of telling you something you can't figure out yourself.

 

Don't force it.

 

So, yeah, "Groovy", now I probably do pick apart most men I meet and maybe I deny myself happiness. But I decided my freedom and ability to exercise personal choices were paramount over being in an unnatural relationship that wasn't good for me.

 

And I worry about letting them touch me and having that ignite a spark. Cuz then I think if I couldn't figure it out in my head or heart before he touched me then maybe it is just physical? And then I lose the ability to detach and see the situation clearly.

 

Just some thoughts.....

[Groovy]

O.K, I just finally gave my body to a man who I can't say there was an immediate spark. We have dated a few months and he has just done so many great things for me. I found out our lives have so many mirror images that it's haunting almost. He's not dead gorgeous but really smart. And I discovered tonight he realy knows what he's doing in bed! Wow! The kind of lover who cares about giving me what I want versus many men who just say "wham bam thank you maam!".

 

A few years ago I meet a man and felt immediately attracted to him. Well, we moved really fast (which I never do) and he ended up being the worst relationship I ever had in my life. He was abusive, shallow and a womanizer. Recently he got a date pregnant and didn't marry her. Maybe this is why I don't believe in love at first sight.

 

A lot of "immediate sparks" are created by a person's looks. I do not believe the real things that matter will uncover themselves in the first date.

 

While it would be nice to have a GQ model with money who waits on me hand and foot and can do astro physics....it won't happen. The looks reveal right away but the other stuff comes with time. And it's the other stuff that matters if your seeking a relationship.

[clynn]

looks don't really ever matter with me.

Obviously I'm into there being some attraction.

 

But I've dated lots of good looking guys, like the one I just went out with last nite for instance, that for whatever reason don't intrigue me.

 

Often I'm attracted to men other women wouldn't find good looking.

 

So - no - not just interested in looks alone.

[liswil]

Originally posted by moimeme

But was it a good kiss?

 

somewhere in between.

[mental_traveller]

You don't need a spark on first meeting. Sometimes you will meet a person, think they are good-looking, but not have that instant spark. However, if they have a great personality that complements your own, a "spark" (and a much stronger one at that) will develop pretty quickly of its own accord.

 

The "instant spark" is based on lust, which fades away over time and thus can't be relied on for a long-term relationship. The personality-based spark is more enduring and ultimately stronger and more satisfying, IMO. Of course, the ideal is to have both! But you could be waiting a while for that.