ashleysv Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 I started dating this guy about a week ago, so it's still fresh. We declared ourselves boyfriend/girlfriend and he says he cares about me a lot. He's a complete sweetheart. Whenever we hang out all he wants to do is makeout really, but I have made it very clear to him that I am not looking for sex right away and he claims he wants a "serious relationship" with me. Anyways, he's always talking about me going to visit him (we live 20 mins apart and both go to Uni so we only have time to see each other when we aren't busy). He thinks sleeping over is a better idea because then we can see each other for a longer period of time. As of now, I am not entirely sold on the whole "sleeping over" idea, and think we may be moving too fast. So I ask... when is it typically okay or ideal to allow your boyfriend to sleepover? Evidently, I am not looking to have sex right now and as I've said, made that very clear to him and he is rather understanding. He just wants to cuddle and fall asleep together... just be with me and what not. Am I overthinking this too much? Link to post Share on other sites
Fondue Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 How long have you known him? If it's only been a week, and you ALREADY call yourselves bf/gf, then I got news for you, he's only out for one thing. He's trying to move the pace along to get what he wants. I mean, all he wants to do is make out, right? Making out leads to what? And then also wants to stay over to "cuddle?" Nah, brah. If you want to sleep with him, that's totally cool. Go for it. If you don't (like you mention in your post), then you best slow down this relationship to your pace. Once you do though, there is a big chance he'll leave you. Once you put a halt on his advances, he might not wait around. It's pretty evident he just wants the goods. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 I wouldn't start with the sleepovers until and unless you are ready to have sex. Of course offer him the floor or a spare bed if it's unsafe to drive home but no sleepovers for now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Dork Vader Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 When ever you are comfortable with it. It's as simple as that. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 I wouldn't start with the sleepovers until and unless you are ready to have sex. Of course offer him the floor or a spare bed if it's unsafe to drive home but no sleepovers for now. This. Absolutely this. Otherwise, you're just playing with fire and sooner or later it is going to "accidentally" happen. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Assasda Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 Youre only dating him for a week? hahahaha, You DO NOT KNOW HIM. Ofcourse you dont trust him enough to sleep with him. Would you lend, someone your car after only a week of knowing them? - Now would you give your body to someone after a week of knowing them? This is ridiculous. OP I think you should work on your self esteem, if you want to find a man to be yours so fast, then there are issues here 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DazedandConfused8 Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 I started dating this guy about a week ago, so it's still fresh. We declared ourselves boyfriend/girlfriend and he says he cares about me a lot. He's a complete sweetheart. Whenever we hang out all he wants to do is makeout really, but I have made it very clear to him that I am not looking for sex right away and he claims he wants a "serious relationship" with me. Anyways, he's always talking about me going to visit him (we live 20 mins apart and both go to Uni so we only have time to see each other when we aren't busy). He thinks sleeping over is a better idea because then we can see each other for a longer period of time. As of now, I am not entirely sold on the whole "sleeping over" idea, and think we may be moving too fast. So I ask... when is it typically okay or ideal to allow your boyfriend to sleepover? Evidently, I am not looking to have sex right now and as I've said, made that very clear to him and he is rather understanding. He just wants to cuddle and fall asleep together... just be with me and what not. Am I overthinking this too much? This guy wreaks of just trying to use you for sex then dump you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Supernatural Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 I agree with above respondents. If you have only known this guy a week, or even just started to see him in a romantic light accumulating a week, and all he want's to do is make out... He just wants sex. When a guy says "oh let's just cuddle and sleep together". 9/10 of those guys are just saying what you want to hear. And then when cuddling heats up a little, it progresses. It's like setting a trap in a sense. His body pressed against yours. You're playing right in to the mood he wants. If you don't want sex with him right now, I would stay away from sleepovers until you feel right. And if all he want's to do is make out and you don't always want that... Hangout in more public areas and make it difficult for him to do so. It should be fairly easy to decipher what this guy is after based on how he wants to spend time with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ashleysv Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 Thanks for your responses! Maybe this changes things.. we are each others first girlfriend/boyfriend. 20 years old (sad, sad thing). So when you stick a bunch of newbies together of course one of us is going to think something is perfectly normal and the other not so much. As far as the whole making out thing goes, he doesn't quite literally ALWAYS want to, but when I went over the other day he put on a movie and we did nothing but kiss. I've had "the talk" already with him about me not being ready for sex and he "respects my wishes" ... and wants to do that when/if we love each other. Who knew dating could be stressful? Overthinking it here to the max! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 Understand something it's easier to stick to your guns when you are both upright & clothed then it will be when you are horizontal, wearing pajamas & snuggled together under the covers. At some point that level of proximity, hands, skin & heat will ramp up the hormones & your brain may not longer be fully in charge. At 20 if you are each other's 1st, put off the sleep overs for 6 months to a year. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 Understand something it's easier to stick to your guns when you are both upright & clothed then it will be when you are horizontal, wearing pajamas & snuggled together under the covers. At some point that level of proximity, hands, skin & heat will ramp up the hormones & your brain may not longer be fully in charge. I totally agree with this. Whenever I've really, really tried not to have sex with somebody I have insane chemistry with, spending time alone together in a bedroom still always led to something. It's EXTREMELY tough not to go down that path when you're alone. Or he might pressure you and make you feel as though you have to go through with it, if you're not quite strong enough. Personally I don't have sleepovers until I'm ready for sex with somebody. I would hang out in a bedroom, above covers, after a certain point (although in my last shared house the bedroom was the only place to have any privacy to be fair so that explained most of it) but no sleeping in each other's arms until you are ready for sex. As the above poster said, it's dark, you're snug, you're feeling a rush of feelings, you're both horny, wearing accessible clothing, it's almost an inevitability. So yes, wait until you're ready. Generally if a guy and I decide to give a relationship a shot I'll have a sleepover and sex that same night but that's just me haha. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 It's okay when you feel it's okay and not a moment before. This isn't just about being a horny 20-year-old. I see some serious red flags: - It's only been a week and they're already boyfriend and girlfriend - All he wants to do is make out - He's trying to talk her into "sleepovers" like a rational and reasonable thing, rather than admit that he wants to have sex with her - She's clearly not comfortable with it---after all, she's asking us OP, if this guy were really into you, he would show it and say it. He would be so interested that he'd tell you he couldn't wait for the next step in your relationship. Instead he's basically dragging you into it at a breakneck pace. When it really is a crazy-in-love situation, you do have a lot of sex at the beginning, but you should also be cuddling and going on walks and sending each other mushy text messages. It seems like he isn't even trying to get to know you as a person. From this angle it sure looks like he's dead set on sex above all else. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted September 11, 2014 Share Posted September 11, 2014 My suggestion. 1) Only sleep over at each other's places when you are 100% sure you are ready to have sex. 2) Don't jump into quickly having sex. The time it takes for each woman to be ready to have sex varies, but if it's your first relationship, I think you should date the guy for at least a month before you have sex. It is not something you need to rush into. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ashleysv Posted September 11, 2014 Author Share Posted September 11, 2014 (edited) It's okay when you feel it's okay and not a moment before. This isn't just about being a horny 20-year-old. I see some serious red flags: - It's only been a week and they're already boyfriend and girlfriend - All he wants to do is make out - He's trying to talk her into "sleepovers" like a rational and reasonable thing, rather than admit that he wants to have sex with her - She's clearly not comfortable with it---after all, she's asking us OP, if this guy were really into you, he would show it and say it. He would be so interested that he'd tell you he couldn't wait for the next step in your relationship. Instead he's basically dragging you into it at a breakneck pace. When it really is a crazy-in-love situation, you do have a lot of sex at the beginning, but you should also be cuddling and going on walks and sending each other mushy text messages. It seems like he isn't even trying to get to know you as a person. From this angle it sure looks like he's dead set on sex above all else. He does show me he likes me by sending me (far too many) mushy texts actually. I'm half convinced that this is so new to him that he feels his pace is just fine. Another reasoning as to why he wants me to sleepover is because we are going to a baseball game the next morning and he thinks its easier if we do it that way. SIGH. SO MANY DECISIONS. I've had the firm talk with him about sex as I've said, and he understands and swears nothing will happen Friday... I just don't know what to expect though. Edited September 11, 2014 by ashleysv Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted September 11, 2014 Share Posted September 11, 2014 A week does not a relationship make, horny college students aside. Also, actions speak louder than words. And his actions don't align with his words which isn't a good sign. He's pressuring you with too much too soon and that's always a huge red flag. If he really genuinely liked you, he'd lay off with the heavy handed text messages (you two barely know each other), and he'd slow down enough to a more normal pace. Some guys just want sex from women and once they get it, they disappear. Link to post Share on other sites
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