I think I am the other woman, I don't know how I feel

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Hello everyone, so I will try to make this as short as possible but I really need help. Last year around this time I was on POF and this guy started talking to me. He was extremely attractive and had an awesome country accent. anyways we started texting and he was cool but very secretive. He wouldn't text past a certain time, and he was very rush rush when he would talk but I just figured he was busy. Anyways I made a joke about him having a "secret girlfriend" and he finally admitted he had a gf and had been with her for 3 years. They met in grad school and moved from KY to my state so she can get her PhD. I stopped talking to him and I was livid. Then eventually he asked if we could just be friends and he said he would hook me up with friends of his. So we hung out one night and he invited me over and of course we had sex. After that he stopped talking which was understandable. Now about a month ago he texts me randomly. I looked on his twitter and he is engaged to her. He texts me almost every day and we FaceTime and do sexual stuff. He said he is going to come out to my new apartment and he asks me to come to his house.

 

I am torn. On one hand I feel awful about the initial sex and I talked to my therapist and it really is not good for me to engage in those types of things. I am not the type of person who can have casual sex and not be emotional. On the other hand he has been with his now fiancee 4 years now. They will be married soon, she will get to be married to him and have adorable babies and be happy. I don't have that. I can't find someone to date (believe me I search). I feel like as long as he wants me I may as well just do it. He is attractive and into me which is insane. I feel bad but I don't. I don't know how I feel. This girl is lucky she gets to marry him and be happy. I mean she doesn't even know! So right now she gets to be happy. He is a good guy anyone would be lucky to be with him. I am just not sure what to do. I am not going to lie I like sex with him too, at least I don't have to worry about a higher number. Any advice for me?

[Popsicle]

Run Forest Run!

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Run Forest Run!

 

Haha maybe I should? I just don't know if I can yet.

[DKT3]

Hello everyone, so I will try to make this as short as possible but I really need help. Last year around this time I was on POF and this guy started talking to me. He was extremely attractive and had an awesome country accent. anyways we started texting and he was cool but very secretive. He wouldn't text past a certain time, and he was very rush rush when he would talk but I just figured he was busy. Anyways I made a joke about him having a "secret girlfriend" and he finally admitted he had a gf and had been with her for 3 years. They met in grad school and moved from KY to my state so she can get her PhD. I stopped talking to him and I was livid. Then eventually he asked if we could just be friends and he said he would hook me up with friends of his. So we hung out one night and he invited me over and of course we had sex. After that he stopped talking which was understandable. Now about a month ago he texts me randomly. I looked on his twitter and he is engaged to her. He texts me almost every day and we FaceTime and do sexual stuff. He said he is going to come out to my new apartment and he asks me to come to his house.

 

I am torn. On one hand I feel awful about the initial sex and I talked to my therapist and it really is not good for me to engage in those types of things. I am not the type of person who can have casual sex and not be emotional. On the other hand he has been with his now fiancee 4 years now. They will be married soon, she will get to be married to him and have adorable babies and be happy. I don't have that. I can't find someone to date (believe me I search). I feel like as long as he wants me I may as well just do it. He is attractive and into me which is insane. I feel bad but I don't. I don't know how I feel. This girl is lucky she gets to marry him and be happy. I mean she doesn't even know! So right now she gets to be happy. He is a good guy anyone would be lucky to be with him. I am just not sure what to do. I am not going to lie I like sex with him too, at least I don't have to worry about a higher number. Any advice for me?

 

So if you where about to marry a man who was sleeping with at least one other woman would you really feel lucky? She isn't lucky, not even close. She is about to marry a cheater.

[jellybean89]

Can I ask how old you are? I get the impression that you are early 20's and for whatever reason, think you need a guy in your life to make you happy - any guy, doesn't matter if he is with someone or not.

 

How would YOU feel if a guy you were engaged to was screwing some girl off the internet? You do know he isn't leaving his fiancee for you. He had sex with you and then got engaged to her. I am not trying to be cruel - I am just astonished by your post and your lack of remorse or guilt or bad feelings. You are jealous that you aren't with a cheater and that is not something you should ever be jealous of.

Edited September 10, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Ronni_W]

Haha maybe I should? I just don't know if I can yet.

You can't yet...but you will REALLY can't, if you let this go on any much longer.

 

And in between then and now...just lots of heartache, disappointment, self-recriminations, guilt, jealousy, anger, hatred, self-disgust, AND loss of self-respect, self-confidence, self-esteem. And did I mention the heartache?

 

You HAVE TO, now. For your own mental-emotional welfare, well-being. Tell that unwise part of yourself that may be thinking that this is a game, that it's not an option to stay in this place.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

 

Can I ask how old you are? I get the impression that you are early 20's and for whatever reason, think you need a guy in your life to make you happy - any guy, doesn't matter if he is with someone or not.

 

How would YOU feel if a guy you were engaged to was screwing some girl off the internet? You do know he isn't leaving his fiancee for you. He had sex with you and then got engaged to her. I am not trying to be cruel - I am just astonished by your post and your lack of remorse or guilt or bad feelings. You are jealous that you aren't with a cheater and that is not something you should ever be jealous of.

 

I am 23. I do feel bad and I would hate to be in her position but I guess for me it's like she doesn't know. Even if she did she probably wouldn't leave. I wouldn't leave. If I was with someone for 4 years and engaged I don't think anything could make me leave that person (except for if they physically hurt me). You're right though it is wrong of me. I should have more self respect than that.

Edited September 10, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[skywriter]

You'd do well to hang onto that therapist, because if you continue with this A, you'll be needing them.

 

This is from an XOW, who continued in an A for nearly 6 years too long.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

You can't yet...but you will REALLY can't, if you let this go on any much longer.

 

And in between then and now...just lots of heartache, disappointment, self-recriminations, guilt, jealousy, anger, hatred, self-disgust, AND loss of self-respect, self-confidence, self-esteem. And did I mention the heartache?

 

You HAVE TO, now. For your own mental-emotional welfare, well-being. Tell that unwise part of yourself that may be thinking that this is a game, that it's not an option to stay in this place.

 

So when he texts me to FaceTime just ignore it? How am I going to get over this? I am trying to give up dating for a semester because I am really busy and it is just really messing me up. I keep going into these failed things with guys who aren't respectful to me. The last guy I was with who I really was into hit me, 2 times in the face and had he not dumped me I would still be there. Point is I am really trying to better myself and be a good person but I am super lonely

[DKT3]

I am 23. I do feel bad and I would hate to be in her position but I guess for me it's like she doesn't know. Even if she did she probably wouldn't leave. I wouldn't leave. If I was with someone for 4 years and engaged I don't think anything could make me leave that person (except for if they physically hurt me). You're right though it is wrong of me. I should have more self respect than that.

 

That's easy to say when your 23 and in this position. You have no clue as to the pain anger and confusion that infidelity brings to your life. I was with my wife since we were 17 & 16, 18 years later I found that she had cheated. I did leave.

 

Just look at it this way, he is marrying her who are you marrying? Who are you going to be on a honeymoon with, who will you start a family with? As long as your waiting around on him, NO ONE. Your life will be on hold and they will be living thiers. Get out, stay out and find your own.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

That's easy to say when your 23 and in this position. You have no clue as to the pain anger and confusion that infidelity brings to your life. I was with my wife since we were 17 & 16, 18 years later I found that she had cheated. I did leave.

 

Just look at it this way, he is marrying her who are you marrying? Who are you going to be on a honeymoon with, who will you start a family with? As long as your waiting around on him, NO ONE. Your life will be on hold and they will be living thiers. Get out, stay out and find your own.

 

I wish I could just easily find someone

[Ronni_W]

So when he texts me to FaceTime just ignore it? I keep going into these failed things with guys who aren't respectful to me.

Yes...for you own self, you just have to be strong and courageous and self-loving and...just ignore his texts or any other attempts to contact. It WILL be challenging and difficult but it will not kill you.

 

Only you have the power and authority to stop going into these failed things with guys who aren't respectful of you. You also do have the control/self-discipline. Think of it as going to some other kind of gym and just having to exercise those unworked (emotional-mental) muscles. You CAN get them into much better shape, yes?

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Yes...for you own self, you just have to be strong and courageous and self-loving and...just ignore his texts or any other attempts to contact. It WILL be challenging and difficult but it will not kill you.

 

Only you have the power and authority to stop going into these failed things with guys who aren't respectful of you. You also do have the control/self-discipline. Think of it as going to some other kind of gym and just having to exercise those unworked (emotional-mental) muscles. You CAN get them into much better shape, yes?

 

I can do that

[Lovemesomehim]

When he calls, ignore it, better yet, block him from reaching out to you.

 

When you take time to learn who you are, you will begin loving yourself and not allow others to take advantage of you.

[Ronni_W]

I can do that

You can...of course you can.

 

And you must. You know that you must, right? For your own self and no other.

 

As I said, it's challenging...sometimes especially when we are being wise and self-loving.

 

Hugs and best.

[whatatangledweb]

So when he texts me to FaceTime just ignore it? How am I going to get over this? I am trying to give up dating for a semester because I am really busy and it is just really messing me up. I keep going into these failed things with guys who aren't respectful to me. The last guy I was with who I really was into hit me, 2 times in the face and had he not dumped me I would still be there. Point is I am really trying to better myself and be a good person but I am super lonely

 

This guy is not respectful to you either. He hid the fact that he had a GF from you. He now uses you as a side piece while he goes around showing off his new finacee . How is that respectful?

 

You seem to feel as though you don't deserve better from men. You allow this guy to use you and you say if the one who abused you hadn't dumped you that you would still be with him. You need to learn to respect yourself . You will never find the right person if you can't love yourself and stay away from these losers.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

This guy is not respectful to you either. He hid the fact that he had a GF from you. He now uses you as a side piece while he goes around showing off his new finacee . How is that respectful?

 

You seem to feel as though you don't deserve better from men. You allow this guy to use you and you say if the one who abused you hadn't dumped you that you would still be with him. You need to learn to respect yourself . You will never find the right person if you can't love yourself and stay away from these losers.

 

The guy who hit me it's kind of a complicated story. They weren't hard hits which I know is still bad but yeah.

 

With this guy I know I deserve respect as a person because I am a person but I never expected him to give me respect. I knew from the first time I met him that he was not respectful to me. The way he talked to me you know? I just feel like he has no consequence. He gets to be happy and get married and they are a really beautiful couple. If you met this guy you would know, he can treat people however because he is attractive, in the military, has a graduate degree and a good job and he's just everything you could want in a guy. She is lucky. I mean she really is.

[MuddyRock]

You should consider telling his fiancee. You have a chance to save her life. He is a serial cheater. She hasn't married him yet. You can save her. He could give her HPV or any number of std from being promiscuous. She could end up with cervical cancer or HIV all because of him.

She will find out eventually. Women are good at reading the gut. Will you save her before she gets married or has kids with him? Beautiful couple? Think about what a nice girl she probably is and how she doesn't deserve this.

[DKT3]

I am 23. I do feel bad and I would hate to be in her position but I guess for me it's like she doesn't know. Even if she did she probably wouldn't leave. I wouldn't leave. If I was with someone for 4 years and engaged I don't think anything could make me leave that person (except for if they physically hurt me). You're right though it is wrong of me. I should have more self respect than that.

 

The guy who hit me it's kind of a complicated story. They weren't hard hits which I know is still bad but yeah.

 

With this guy I know I deserve respect as a person because I am a person but I never expected him to give me respect. I knew from the first time I met him that he was not respectful to me. The way he talked to me you know? I just feel like he has no consequence. He gets to be happy and get married and they are a really beautiful couple. If you met this guy you would know, he can treat people however because he is attractive, in the military, has a graduate degree and a good job and he's just everything you could want in a guy. She is lucky. I mean she really is.

 

Wow you have a long way to go. I will admit that people react differently towards good looking people. They have no right to treat you poorly.

 

My 14 year old son is a great looking kid, I mean a real head turner even for grown women. Doesn't help that he is 6' 1" and already ripped. Better, what makes me proud is he is a great kid, even through the girls will accept him behaving poorly. Kinda off topic, but once a group of kids were hanging around the house, the boys decided to bomb the girls with water baloons afterwards all the girls were pissed at all the boys except for my son, oh they thought it was cute that he hit them with water balloons.

 

Good looking doesn't hide a jackazz for long.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Wow you have a long way to go. I will admit that people react differently towards good looking people. They have no right to treat you poorly.

 

My 14 year old son is a great looking kid, I mean a real head turner even for grown women. Doesn't help that he is 6' 1" and already ripped. Better, what makes me proud is he is a great kid, even through the girls will accept him behaving poorly. Kinda off topic, but once a group of kids were hanging around the house, the boys decided to bomb the girls with water baloons afterwards all the girls were pissed at all the boys except for my son, oh they thought it was cute that he hit them with water balloons.

 

Good looking doesn't hide a jackazz for long.

 

Hahaha yeah but 4 years together. I mean she either knows he is a total douche and just accepts it and has grown to love it, or he is doing an amazing job of hiding it and she will likely never know about his douchebaggery. I was just being a creep and looking at his twitter. They seem so happy. I just feel like it is unfair that I have to be unhappy in life and she gets to be so happy with a guy that I would be so perfect for. I mean like so so so perfect for me. He is the reason I started watching football because I wanted to pull a guy like him and he mentioned that he and his gf do a fantasy team every year. I want to be the kind of girl he would date. Or someone like him would date.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

You should consider telling his fiancee. You have a chance to save her life. He is a serial cheater. She hasn't married him yet. You can save her. He could give her HPV or any number of std from being promiscuous. She could end up with cervical cancer or HIV all because of him.

She will find out eventually. Women are good at reading the gut. Will you save her before she gets married or has kids with him? Beautiful couple? Think about what a nice girl she probably is and how she doesn't deserve this.

 

I don't know her and I would have no way to tell her. I'm sure she is a nice girl but I doubt she would leave so it is pointless to tell her. The night he and I had sex he said he had never cheated on here before (I don't know if I believe it) and we didn't use protection but I got tested after and he had nothing (well I had nothing and so I assume that means he had nothing). Idk I mean it is a messed up situation but it isn't my place to tell her I don't want him to hate me.

[Toodaloo]

So you want to date a man that cheats on you, is disrespectful and all in all bit of a git?

 

I think you need to find yourself before you find a bloke.

 

Go climb a mountain or get involved in charity work. For Gods sake DO NOT get involved with a man at this stage. You are making them your "worth" and your standards are sinking lower.

 

Listen to the guys on here - they really do pull you up and if you act on their advice you will end up happier. MUCH happier.

[bathtub-row]

Wow, this guy goes online, starts fishing for women, lies to them while baiting them, hooks you (and who knows how many others), and you think he's great even though you don't know him from Adam. Any half-smart, self-respecting girl would've dumped him the minute she realized he lied to her about that critical piece of info. But you buy into his BS (more lies) about wanting to stay friends so that he can con you into sleeping with him. And, wait, let me guess -- you're actually flattered by all this.

 

This is close to the single dumbest thing I've heard in a long time. Do you realize the risks you have taken? You have no idea about this man except that he has lied to you, and that he is most likely lying to you about numerous things.

 

So, what are you thinking at this stage? That he got engaged by accident? Did he go out and buy an engagement ring and get on his knees and profess undying love to his gf against his will? Well, I will hand it to him, he knew when he got online that he'd find a sucker. And he certainly did. There truly is one born every minute.

Edited September 10, 2014 by bathtub-row

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I don't know her and I would have no way to tell her. I'm sure she is a nice girl but I doubt she would leave so it is pointless to tell her. The night he and I had sex he said he had never cheated on here before (I don't know if I believe it) and we didn't use protection but I got tested after and he had nothing (well I had nothing and so I assume that means he had nothing). Idk I mean it is a messed up situation but it isn't my place to tell her I don't want him to hate me.

 

So wait, you had unprotected sex with a guy you randomly met on the internet, who then gets engaged to his girlfriend, and you consider this poor girl "lucky"!?

 

And how can you say it "isn't your place" to tell her? You SLEPT WITH HIM! You are complicit. But why are you talking about "places" anyway? It isn't your place to sleep with someone else's fiance and you don't seem to be too concerned about that so...

 

Please understand that a guy who has unprotected sex with strangers is a guy not to be trusted. Just because you "got tested" after having sex with him does not mean he's "clean". Hell, it doesn't even mean you're clean if you got checked out too soon after.

 

You claiming she must know what a douchebag he is by now and just doesn't care or that she wouldn't leave him anyway if she found out he was cheating are all just shameless - not to mention flimsy - rationalizations you're using to continue to make yourself feel better. I mean, as you said, you don't know her so how in the world can you know that?

 

The sad thing is, the overarching theme I'm reading from this thread is that you are jealous of the fiancee and want what she has but since you can't have that you'll settle from the scraps he throws your way. By continuing to see him you are devaluing yourself in his eyes and further diminishing your own worth.

 

Where is your self-esteem? Why are you so okay with wasting what should be your peak-years on this guy? Don't you you deseve just a liiiitttle tiny bit more than to be a side chick at 23? - because honey, we're the same age and uh, let me tell you your early 20s is most likely the best it's going to get and now is the time when you have access to the cream of the crop of the dating pool - enjoy it while it lasts.

Edited September 10, 2014 by Lernaean_Hydra

[MuddyRock]

How did you see he was engaged to her on facebook yet you can't figure out a way to contact her. Think about that for a minute. And just because you wouldn't leave doesn't mean she wouldnt!!

And fyi it can take YEARS to test positive for some std