I think I am the other woman, I don't know how I feel

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

How did you see he was engaged to her on facebook yet you can't figure out a way to contact her. Think about that for a minute. And just because you wouldn't leave doesn't mean she wouldnt!!

And fyi it can take YEARS to test positive for some std

 

I saw his engagement on his twitter. I know she has a twitter but it is private. I am sure I could contact her if I tried, I mean I'm sure she has FB and other forms of social media I just haven't tried. As far as the STD thing, I got tested 3 months after the sex and again about 11 months after. I was clean both times. But I do understand your point.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

So wait, you had unprotected sex with a guy you randomly met on the internet, who then gets engaged to his girlfriend, and you consider this poor girl "lucky"!?

 

And how can you say it "isn't your place" to tell her? You SLEPT WITH HIM! You are complicit. But why are you talking about "places" anyway? It isn't your place to sleep with someone else's fiance and you don't seem to be too concerned about that so...

 

Please understand that a guy who has unprotected sex with strangers is a guy not to be trusted. Just because you "got tested" after having sex with him does not mean he's "clean". Hell, it doesn't even mean you're clean if you got checked out too soon after.

 

You claiming she must know what a douchebag he is by now and just doesn't care or that she wouldn't leave him anyway if she found out he was cheating are all just shameless - not to mention flimsy - rationalizations you're using to continue to make yourself feel better. I mean, as you said, you don't know her so how in the world can you know that?

 

The sad thing is, the overarching theme I'm reading from this thread is that you are jealous of the fiancee and want what she has but since you can't have that you'll settle from the scraps he throws your way. By continuing to see him you are devaluing yourself in his eyes and further diminishing your own worth.

 

Where is your self-esteem? Why are you so okay with wasting what should be your peak-years on this guy? Don't you you deseve just a liiiitttle tiny bit more than to be a side chick at 23? - because honey, we're the same age and uh, let me tell you your early 20s is most likely the best it's going to get and now is the time when you have access to the cream of the crop of the dating pool - enjoy it while it lasts.

 

I don't want to be a side piece at all. I want to be someones gf and fiancee and wife and mother all before 30 (actually preferably before 25 but that would be pushing it I assume) but that is not happening. If I could find someone to date and be with I wouldn't have to talk to him. When I was talking to someone I didn't answer his texts because I had someone and I was loyal to that person. I guess I am torn because if he doesn't value his relationship with her then why should I? She literally has it all, she gets to be with him every day. Maybe I just place a high value on marriage and babies, but she gets to have all of that with him and live in oblivious happiness. I don't know I mean he doesn't even talk to me much. I doubt we will have sex again.

[gettingstronger]

You won't meet anyone while involved with this person-he has tons of faults but the biggest ones that you should be concerned with are

 

1. he's not in to you as an in the open relationship

2. he is unavailable

 

Don't put so much value on having a boyfriend or some imaginary time line- I know plenty of women that did not have a long term boy friend until their late 20s and did not have kids until their late 30s and they are just fine-don't be in such a rush that you are willing to settle for so little-

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I don't want to be a side piece at all. I want to be someones gf and fiancee and wife and mother all before 30 (actually preferably before 25 but that would be pushing it I assume) but that is not happening. If I could find someone to date and be with I wouldn't have to talk to him. When I was talking to someone I didn't answer his texts because I had someone and I was loyal to that person. I guess I am torn because if he doesn't value his relationship with her then why should I? She literally has it all, she gets to be with him every day. Maybe I just place a high value on marriage and babies, but she gets to have all of that with him and live in oblivious happiness. I don't know I mean he doesn't even talk to me much. I doubt we will have sex again.

 

Please don't get involved with any man at this point. It's none of my business but I wonder what you are in therapy for in the first place? You need to stick with it until you make some headway. You will absolutely attract the wrong type of man.

 

YOU get to make your own decisions, the out come rests on your shoulders. You talk like you have no control over your life? You say, "He lied to me about being single, I was livid, he asked me to be his friend, so we of course had sex." What the heck happened to you were livid???

 

Please learn to stand up for yourself because no one else is going to do it, if you don't.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Please don't get involved with any man at this point. It's none of my business but I wonder what you are in therapy for in the first place? You need to stick with it until you make some headway. You will absolutely attract the wrong type of man.

 

YOU get to make your own decisions, the out come rests on your shoulders. You talk like you have no control over your life? You say, "He lied to me about being single, I was livid, he asked me to be his friend, so we of course had sex." What the heck happened to you were livid???

 

Please learn to stand up for yourself because no one else is going to do it, if you don't.

 

Self esteem issues

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I don't want to be a side piece at all. I want to be someones gf and fiancee and wife and mother all before 30 (actually preferably before 25 but that would be pushing it I assume) but that is not happening. If I could find someone to date and be with I wouldn't have to talk to him. When I was talking to someone I didn't answer his texts because I had someone and I was loyal to that person. I guess I am torn because if he doesn't value his relationship with her then why should I?

 

1) You lips say you don't want to be a side piece but your having sex with him, talking every day and doing sexual things via FaceTime say you do. A women who doesn't want to be an AP doesn't continue to occupy the role. She would have zero trouble blocking his phone number - takes 30 seconds at most to do on an iPhone - and email. Something, something actions vs words...

 

2) Well, he doesn't value you as a person so going by that logic, you don't value yourself either I guess.

She literally has it all, she gets to be with him every day. Maybe I just place a high value on marriage and babies, but she gets to have all of that with him and live in oblivious happiness. I don't know I mean he doesn't even talk to me much. I doubt we will have sex again.

 

No, what she has is an impending marriage to a cheater who trolls the internet for other women and no more.

 

And sorry but there's no way you can say you place a high value on marriage with a straight face when you're on the verge of interfering with one . What you place a high value on is him and marriage and babies with that guy.

 

Stop what you're doing because it's nothing short of desperate. It sounds like you think getting sexual attention from him is almost as good as getting his romantic attention or being married to him or worse, better than nothing. It isn't.

 

Leave him alone now and block all of his contact info immediately.

Edited September 10, 2014 by Lernaean_Hydra

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

1) You lips say you don't want to be a side piece but your having sex with him, talking every day and doing sexual things via FaceTime say you do. A women who doesn't want to be an AP doesn't continue to occupy the role. She would have zero trouble blocking his phone number - takes 30 seconds at most to do on an iPhone - and email. Something, something actions vs words...

 

2) Well, he doesn't value you as a person so going by that logic, you don't value yourself either I guess.

 

 

No, what she has is an impending marriage to a cheater who trolls the internet for other women and.

 

And sorry but there's no way you can say you place a high value on marriage with a straight face when you're on the verge of interfering with one . What you place a high value on is him and marriage and babies with that guy.

 

Stop what you're doing because it's nothing short of desperate. It sounds like you think getting sexual attention from him is almost as good as getting his romantic attention or being married to him or worse, better than nothing. It isn't.

 

Leave him alone now and block all of his contact info immediately.

 

Why would he do that? I mean why me? He obviously has to think something about me, like I am pretty or funny or smart. The thing is I don't love him or anything. I mean if he actually wanted a relationship I would love to be with him but I know there are other guys out there. I just can't get them to date me either lol

[whichwayisup]

Hello everyone, so I will try to make this as short as possible but I really need help. Last year around this time I was on POF and this guy started talking to me. He was extremely attractive and had an awesome country accent. anyways we started texting and he was cool but very secretive. He wouldn't text past a certain time, and he was very rush rush when he would talk but I just figured he was busy. Anyways I made a joke about him having a "secret girlfriend" and he finally admitted he had a gf and had been with her for 3 years. They met in grad school and moved from KY to my state so she can get her PhD. I stopped talking to him and I was livid. Then eventually he asked if we could just be friends and he said he would hook me up with friends of his. So we hung out one night and he invited me over and of course we had sex. After that he stopped talking which was understandable. Now about a month ago he texts me randomly. I looked on his twitter and he is engaged to her. He texts me almost every day and we FaceTime and do sexual stuff. He said he is going to come out to my new apartment and he asks me to come to his house.

 

I am torn. On one hand I feel awful about the initial sex and I talked to my therapist and it really is not good for me to engage in those types of things. I am not the type of person who can have casual sex and not be emotional. On the other hand he has been with his now fiancee 4 years now. They will be married soon, she will get to be married to him and have adorable babies and be happy. I don't have that. I can't find someone to date (believe me I search). I feel like as long as he wants me I may as well just do it. He is attractive and into me which is insane. I feel bad but I don't. I don't know how I feel. This girl is lucky she gets to marry him and be happy. I mean she doesn't even know! So right now she gets to be happy. He is a good guy anyone would be lucky to be with him. I am just not sure what to do. I am not going to lie I like sex with him too, at least I don't have to worry about a higher number. Any advice for me?

 

Bolded. You need to go talk to your therapist again and work on your self esteem and jealously/envy issues. Sorry to be blunt but going from LIVID that you found out he had a girlfriend and not talking to him, now to having sex with him, even though he's now engaged, a lot of this also is on you. You're no better or worse than he is.

 

He isn't a good guy. Look he's cheating on his fiance with YOU. Good guys don't do that! Good guys don't go on POF!

 

My advice, end it with him and find a single guy to date.

[whichwayisup]

Hahaha yeah but 4 years together. I mean she either knows he is a total douche and just accepts it and has grown to love it, or he is doing an amazing job of hiding it and she will likely never know about his douchebaggery. I was just being a creep and looking at his twitter. They seem so happy. I just feel like it is unfair that I have to be unhappy in life and she gets to be so happy with a guy that I would be so perfect for. I mean like so so so perfect for me. He is the reason I started watching football because I wanted to pull a guy like him and he mentioned that he and his gf do a fantasy team every year. I want to be the kind of girl he would date. Or someone like him would date.

 

He's a great liar and manipulator. You walked away from him and then allowed him back into your life.

 

And yes, you are the other woman.

 

Bolded again, this is something you must talk to your therapist about. You're unhappy and blaming others for your own unhappiness. You've made some not so good choices by putting yourself IN this situation.

 

Work on you, be single, embrace being single, gain confidence, spend time with women friends who make you feel good about yourself and then when you're in a better and healthier frame of mind, go date (single) men, stay away from ones in a relationship and ones who are married or engaged. You're just asking for pain and setting yourself up for a fall by continuing on with him.

 

Stop blaming others for your own unhappiness.

[whichwayisup]

Why would he do that? I mean why me? He obviously has to think something about me, like I am pretty or funny or smart. The thing is I don't love him or anything. I mean if he actually wanted a relationship I would love to be with him but I know there are other guys out there. I just can't get them to date me either lol

 

You feed his ego. This isn't about love or romance..It's an affair and affairs are addictive. You even have said you don't love him, yet still you 'want' him.

 

Why can't you get (single) other to date you?

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

You feed his ego. This isn't about love or romance..It's an affair and affairs are addictive. You even have said you don't love him, yet still you 'want' him.

 

Why can't you get (single) other to date you?

 

I just haven't found anyone, I have used match, OKC, POF, tinder, I mean any possible way that someone can meet guys I have tried. I have been out on tons of dates and its either we don't click, they like me and I don't like them much or vice versa.

[whichwayisup]

I just haven't found anyone, I have used match, OKC, POF, tinder, I mean any possible way that someone can meet guys I have tried. I have been out on tons of dates and its either we don't click, they like me and I don't like them much or vice versa.

 

Stop looking online and put yourself out there by meeting new people face to face. Parties that go to with friends, that's a good way of meeting guys.

 

You're trying too hard, it won't work. When you (general you) chase something it runs away..If you stop, it'll come find you when the time is right.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Stop looking online and put yourself out there by meeting new people face to face. Parties that go to with friends, that's a good way of meeting guys.

 

You're trying too hard, it won't work. When you (general you) chase something it runs away..If you stop, it'll come find you when the time is right.

 

The time needs to be now because I am not getting younger, I don't have time to go party. I am 23 my partying days are over. I go to the bars, still don't meet anyone. I have gone to meet up groups didn't meet anyone (I only went to two but still), I am in grad school I thought I would totally meet someone in school.. Haven't yet. Unfortunately I am an idiot and picked a female dominated career which doesn't help either.

[whichwayisup]

The time needs to be now because I am not getting younger, I don't have time to go party. I am 23 my partying days are over. I go to the bars, still don't meet anyone. I have gone to meet up groups didn't meet anyone (I only went to two but still), I am in grad school I thought I would totally meet someone in school.. Haven't yet. Unfortunately I am an idiot and picked a female dominated career which doesn't help either.

Then go join one of those meet up groups. Tennis, photography, squash etc. There are tons of them for social gatherings and a way to meet new people.

 

You can meet a guy while grocery shopping.

 

All this still doesn't justify that it's OK for you to go for a guy whom you know now is engaged, to continue on an affair. He isn't going to choose you over her, he likes having you on the side and you deserve much better than being a side dish. Respect yourself and end it. Settling for what he's giving you may be enough now but as times goes on you'll want more and he will not give that to you.

[sunburned]

I was about to ask what POF is then decided to see if I could google it. Plenty of Fish, apparently one of the largest online dating services. On google, after the wikiipedia definition, here's the first entry and it looks like a review of sorts. To be sure the website where I found this seems a big misogynistic itself, but I guess it's an indicator of what type of women men think view this site which in turn suggests what type of men troll the site.

 

 

"Plenty of Fish is the most popular dating site in the world. It is free, it is easy to use, and it is filled with girls who lack the funds, the seriousness, or the intelligence to realize that every other dating site this side of Adult Friend Finder offers them better prospects for a guy who wants a long-term relationship.In other words, it’s perfect. The girls are pre-selected for some combination of stupidity, desperation and sluttiness. Not a great place to find a wife, but a prime hunting ground for the man looking to play some catch and release."

 

 

Keeping it classy.

 

 

OP, have you tried more legit online sites like match or eharmony?

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Then go join one of those meet up groups. Tennis, photography, squash etc. There are tons of them for social gatherings and a way to meet new people.

 

You can meet a guy while grocery shopping.

 

All this still doesn't justify that it's OK for you to go for a guy whom you know now is engaged, to continue on an affair. He isn't going to choose you over her, he likes having you on the side and you deserve much better than being a side dish. Respect yourself and end it. Settling for what he's giving you may be enough now but as times goes on you'll want more and he will not give that to you.

 

I just don't know what to do at this point to meet someone.

He and I haven't seen each other in a year. It is an odd situation because I feel like he is torn too. He doesn't want to cheat on her but he does. Like he will say "no we can't do anything no we aren't going to have sex again" but then he will ask me to come to his job for a quickie (which I haven't done because thats trashy) or he will tell me that he can only talk in the mornings because he is at work or something. I don't want to settle and be treated badly or used but at the same time having someone interested feels better than no one.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

I was about to ask what POF is then decided to see if I could google it. Plenty of Fish, apparently one of the largest online dating services. On google, after the wikiipedia definition, here's the first entry and it looks like a review of sorts. To be sure the website where I found this seems a big misogynistic itself, but I guess it's an indicator of what type of women men think view this site which in turn suggests what type of men troll the site.

 

 

"Plenty of Fish is the most popular dating site in the world. It is free, it is easy to use, and it is filled with girls who lack the funds, the seriousness, or the intelligence to realize that every other dating site this side of Adult Friend Finder offers them better prospects for a guy who wants a long-term relationship.In other words, it’s perfect. The girls are pre-selected for some combination of stupidity, desperation and sluttiness. Not a great place to find a wife, but a prime hunting ground for the man looking to play some catch and release."

 

 

Keeping it classy.

 

 

OP, have you tried more legit online sites like match or eharmony?

 

I used match for 3 months and went on a few dates. I had one that was so promising and then he just faded out. I want to try eharmony because people really find people to marry on there but it is extremely expensive and I can't justify spending my school refund on a dating website instead of food or something else.

[anika99]

The time needs to be now because I am not getting younger, I don't have time to go party. I am 23 my partying days are over. I go to the bars, still don't meet anyone. I have gone to meet up groups didn't meet anyone (I only went to two but still), I am in grad school I thought I would totally meet someone in school.. Haven't yet. Unfortunately I am an idiot and picked a female dominated career which doesn't help either.

 

 

This doesn't even make sense. You don't have time for parties and your partying days are over but you go to bars? What's the difference between going to a party or going to the bar?

 

 

Now you think you're an idiot because you picked a female dominated career. I'm guessing you picked a career that interested you and that you thought you would be good at, which is good. I would hope nobody would choose a career based on how many men they would meet.

 

 

You need to stop placing all of your self worth into men. Stop being so desperate. For one thing it's not attractive to most men, especially not the men worth having. Men don't generally want to get tied down to anyone who is desperate to have a man and babies. They admire a woman who knows her own worth and who has a rich full life with or without a man. Woman who are desperate to be with a man attract the kind of men you have been attracting. Cheaters and abusers.

 

This engaged guy is using you. You tell yourself he must see something in you, like maybe you are pretty, or smart, or funny. Well maybe you are those things but that's not what this guy is interested in. He wants you for sex and for ego strokes. He doesn't care if you are funny or smart, all he needs you to be is willing.

 

 

You are super young and you should be having fun and enjoying your youth. There is so much more to life than just landing a man and getting married. You should commit yourself to being entirely single for the next year. No chasing men and no dates. Just spend that time doing fun things for you and getting to know yourself. Once you take your focus off getting a man, you might be surprised at how much you will grow to like yourself.

[Natsu21]

Wow you have a long way to go. I will admit that people react differently towards good looking people. They have no right to treat you poorly.

 

My 14 year old son is a great looking kid, I mean a real head turner even for grown women. Doesn't help that he is 6' 1" and already ripped. Better, what makes me proud is he is a great kid, even through the girls will accept him behaving poorly. Kinda off topic, but once a group of kids were hanging around the house, the boys decided to bomb the girls with water baloons afterwards all the girls were pissed at all the boys except for my son, oh they thought it was cute that he hit them with water balloons.

 

Good looking doesn't hide a jackazz for long.

 

Actually, it got your son from getting the ire of women.

 

Moral of the story folks. If you're good looking, you can get away with a hell of a lot with women.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

This doesn't even make sense. You don't have time for parties and your partying days are over but you go to bars? What's the difference between going to a party or going to the bar?

 

 

Now you think you're an idiot because you picked a female dominated career. I'm guessing you picked a career that interested you and that you thought you would be good at, which is good. I would hope nobody would choose a career based on how many men they would meet.

 

 

You need to stop placing all of your self worth into men. Stop being so desperate. For one thing it's not attractive to most men, especially not the men worth having. Men don't generally want to get tied down to anyone who is desperate to have a man and babies. They admire a woman who knows her own worth and who has a rich full life with or without a man. Woman who are desperate to be with a man attract the kind of men you have been attracting. Cheaters and abusers.

 

This engaged guy is using you. You tell yourself he must see something in you, like maybe you are pretty, or smart, or funny. Well maybe you are those things but that's not what this guy is interested in. He wants you for sex and for ego strokes. He doesn't care if you are funny or smart, all he needs you to be is willing.

 

 

You are super young and you should be having fun and enjoying your youth. There is so much more to life than just landing a man and getting married. You should commit yourself to being entirely single for the next year. No chasing men and no dates. Just spend that time doing fun things for you and getting to know yourself. Once you take your focus off getting a man, you might be surprised at how much you will grow to like yourself.

 

Lol it is hard to explain. I don't have friends who party, we don't go to parties. We go to the bar, I might go out once a week (rarely do I have time to even make it to once a week) I just don't go out much.

[whichwayisup]

Not 'parties' like when you were a teen and got drunk, but 'parties' as in gatherings, more mature and a girls night kind of thing. You're telling me that none of your friends ever have bbq's or dinner nights/pot luck?

 

Also, you're not old. You're 23, just starting out in life so there is no rush to get married and have kids. Most can't afford to buy a house, let alone get married and have kids..Many wait until their 30's now to have children..People save up money first. Times are not like when your parents got married or grandparents, people were married and having kids in their late teens and early 20's.

 

Don't be in such a rush, you have lots of time to find a great guy and have a relationship.

[CarrieT]

Why would he do that? I mean why me?

Because you let him. And if it wasn't you, it would probably be someone else. In this regard, you are NOT special. You are a side-fling and nothing else.

 

When/If his fiancé finds out, you will be thrown under the bus.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Because you let him. And if it wasn't you, it would probably be someone else. In this regard, you are NOT special. You are a side-fling and nothing else.

 

When/If his fiancé finds out, you will be thrown under the bus.

 

It is really sad because I have been in that situation before. I got totally thrown under the bus and it was awful. That was years ago, the funny thing is he married the girl he cheated on (they also had a kid). Another example of bad, undeserving people who still manage to find someone to date and marry. Not saying the fiancee in this situation is bad or undeserving but she would marry him regardless. At 27 after being with someone for 4 years would you really leave over 1 indiscretion?

[stillafool]

The time needs to be now because I am not getting younger, I don't have time to go party. I am 23 my partying days are over. I go to the bars, still don't meet anyone. I have gone to meet up groups didn't meet anyone (I only went to two but still), I am in grad school I thought I would totally meet someone in school.. Haven't yet. Unfortunately I am an idiot and picked a female dominated career which doesn't help either.

 

Absolute NONSENSE! You are a young person at 23 and your partying days are not over, if anything they've just begun. You have to be 21 before you can drink for goodness sake! Stop with the excuses. You see this guy as out of your league and are flattered that he would spend any amount of his time with you. You are as much to blame as he is in this affair. You do know if his gf found out he will deny you, call you crazy and tell her you are chasing him and he doesn't want you.

 

If you are seeking therapy for your self esteem issues why are you going after a man who is engaged to someone else? What does your therapist tell you about this situation?

[stillafool]

It is really sad because I have been in that situation before. I got totally thrown under the bus and it was awful. That was years ago, the funny thing is he married the girl he cheated on (they also had a kid). Another example of bad, undeserving people who still manage to find someone to date and marry. Not saying the fiancee in this situation is bad or undeserving but she would marry him regardless. At 27 after being with someone for 4 years would you really leave over 1 indiscretion?

 

You don't know this for sure. She is in the dark about what he is doing. Why don't you give her a call and let her know. 27 is still very young and she sounds accomplished so I doubt seriously she would have problems finding a new love and marrying. I hope she finds out about this creep before she makes a huge mistake.