What hope does a horrible person have?

[Wasting Light]

I'm a horrible person. I can't really deny that. I've been alone my entire life because I'm a horrible person. I've never had any kind of social life, I've certainly never experience love, romance, or intimacy, all because I'm a horrible person. I'm unlikable, people want absolutely nothing to do with me, because I'm a horrible person.

 

And despite being such a horrible person, I feel bad about it, I feel incredibly lonely, and distressed by it. But I don't even know how to be different. I'm not this way on purpose. I've been a horrible person for as long as I can remember. It's really just who I am. I can't even begin to fathom how to just be someone else entirely.

 

Granted, a horrible person like me SHOULD be as alone and miserable as I am. That is "justice", in a sense. But it still bothers me.

[OwMyEyeball]

What makes you a horrible person?

[Wasting Light]

What makes you a horrible person?

 

Well, I guess the easiest way to explain it is that I simply don't really care about people, or anything like that. Going further, I kind of hate people. I essentially hate everyone and everything. Myself, included. I find people to be annoying and unpleasant.

 

And I realize it seems a bit... odd, to feel this way, but to still crave human companionship. I can't really explain it, myself. Doesn't really make any more sense to me, than it will to anyone else.

[OwMyEyeball]

Have you talked to anybody you trust or feel comfortable around about these feelings in person?

[Wasting Light]

Have you talked to anybody you trust or feel comfortable around about these feelings in person?

 

I don't have anyone like that. Never have. I think it's pretty apparent to most people, though, that I'm anti-social, and I have made it pretty clear to a small handful of people in the past that I don't really "like" people very much at all.

[OwMyEyeball]

What is it about people that you don't like?

 

Is it the same things that you don't like about yourself?

[amaysngrace]

Go talk to a therapist. They have to listen to you and help you figure things out because that's what you pay them for.

 

You aren't a horrible person. You just sound like you're very sad.

[Elias33]

Yes, lots of hope there!

 

Start by calling yourself a great person every time you find yourself tempted using the H word. Turn around how you talk about yourself. If you think you are horrible, why would others think other wise?

 

Also, if you start to value yourself better, so will you start valuing other people better. Right now you are just projecting. So radiate whatever positivity you'll gain by positive affirmation, to others, and you will see, the way you look at others, will also change. Yes, it is that simple.

 

You create your own reality, it is what you think where it all starts....start tomorrow!

[Wasting Light]

What is it about people that you don't like?

 

Is it the same things that you don't like about yourself?

 

I don't really know. I guess I don't like having to deal with people in general. People just tend to get on my nerves, I never really feel like I can depend on anyone (in a "If you want something done right, do it yourself" kind of way), and I find it incredibly difficult to care at all what other people have going on (and I hate having to pretend to care about people).

 

Go talk to a therapist. They have to listen to you and help you figure things out because that's what you pay them for.

 

You aren't a horrible person. You just sound like you're very sad.

 

I don't really care if a therapist "has" to listen to me. I'm too self-absorbed to listen to a therapist. Which, I guess, is another good reason why I'm a horrible person.

[WesternWizard]

A horrible woman can have lots of hope (and lots of victims) if she has angelic good looks.

[Wasting Light]

A horrible woman can have lots of hope (and lots of victims) if she has angelic good looks.

 

And if I'm a guy?

[OwMyEyeball]

I don't really know. I guess I don't like having to deal with people in general. People just tend to get on my nerves, I never really feel like I can depend on anyone (in a "If you want something done right, do it yourself" kind of way), and I find it incredibly difficult to care at all what other people have going on (and I hate having to pretend to care about people)

Do you care about what you have going on in your life?

[WesternWizard]

And if I'm a guy?

 

In that case, hope you're reincarnated as a beautiful woman.

[Wasting Light]

Do you care about what you have going on in your life?

 

I guess? I don't know. It's not like I live any kind of amazing, fascinating life, but I'm okay with that. I DO care about living my life with as little stress and unnecessary interruptions as possible, if that makes any difference.

[preraph]

It sounds like you have a lack of empathy. I'm wondering if you grew up in some kind of loveless home with some neglect and just didn't learn to love because you weren't loved or else taken care of properly. I'm sorry this has you feeling so isolated. I'm not positive a therapist could help but it might give you insight into why you are the way you are and that might lead to you not hating yourself for it, and on that thin ice, perhaps you could begin to build a new foundation.

[OwMyEyeball]

I guess? I don't know. It's not like I live any kind of amazing, fascinating life, but I'm okay with that. I DO care about living my life with as little stress and unnecessary interruptions as possible, if that makes any difference.

Your desires for life are no different than anyone else.

 

That you care enough about being a "horrible" person is indication that you are not. Truly terrible people do not care how they are perceived by others.

 

Have you always felt the way you do now?

[Wasting Light]

Have you always felt the way you do now?

 

That I'm a horrible person? Not necessarily. I used to think I was a nice, sweet, caring guy that was just overlooked by the world. But I've realized over the last few years how much I actually dislike people, and how I only really care about myself, and I know now that I was just trying to make myself believe I was a good person to put the blame on the rest of the world for not being able to see that.

 

But the truth is, I'm a bad, hateful, arrogant, self-centered, miserable person, and it's no wonder that I'm unlikable and that people want nothing to do with me.

[OwMyEyeball]

So would you say that you have always felt a disdain towards others?

 

Do you consider yourself to be superior to others? If so, in what ways do you believe yourself to be superior?

[Omei]

That I'm a horrible person? Not necessarily. I used to think I was a nice, sweet, caring guy that was just overlooked by the world. But I've realized over the last few years how much I actually dislike people, and how I only really care about myself, and I know now that I was just trying to make myself believe I was a good person to put the blame on the rest of the world for not being able to see that.

 

But the truth is, I'm a bad, hateful, arrogant, self-centered, miserable person, and it's no wonder that I'm unlikable and that people want nothing to do with me.

 

Sounds like the common person to me

I think most people do not care about other people just as much but we put on faces to portray so.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I don't really know. I guess I don't like having to deal with people in general. People just tend to get on my nerves, I never really feel like I can depend on anyone (in a "If you want something done right, do it yourself" kind of way), and I find it incredibly difficult to care at all what other people have going on (and I hate having to pretend to care about people).

 

I don't really care if a therapist "has" to listen to me. I'm too self-absorbed to listen to a therapist. Which, I guess, is another good reason why I'm a horrible person.

 

I could've written this myself. Word for word. That's actually both comforting and wildly disturbing all at the same time. I used to think I was a really horrible person too but I'm not, I am, however just wired a bit differently.

 

Thoughts and "feelings" can't and won't make you "horrible". It's your actions that determine that. As long as you're not actively, maliciously harming living beings, I see no reason to consider yourself some sort of monster.

 

The only thing I'm really curious about as what you meant in terms of 'hope'? Hope of what? Finding love and intimacy? If so, you can be the worst human being in the known universe and still find someone to love you, but that's irrelevant - what matters is whether you feel that you have the capacity to love anyone else.

[Wasting Light]

So would you say that you have always felt a disdain towards others?

 

Yeah, I guess so. At least, as far back as I can remember, anyway.

 

Do you consider yourself to be superior to others? If so, in what ways do you believe yourself to be superior?

 

Yes and no. "No", in that I'm unattractive, unlikable, unsuccessful in life, and whatnot, as the average person is much "better" than I am in many of these regards.

 

"Yes" in that I feel like I know what's best for me, and I don't want anyone messing up or interrupting my "flow". I feel like "my way" of going about things is the best way, and I don't care what other people think, so long as they're not getting in the way of "my way". I'm very specific with the processes of my daily life; I like things done in specific ways, at specific times, etc., and it annoys me when I have to work my "processes" around other people, or even worse, when I have to depend on another person (such as at work) to help me accomplish a given task.

 

"Yes" in that I feel like I "think" more and try to "calculate" more and take every detail into consideration more, than the average person does. I'd hesitate to say that I'm actually "smarter" or "more intelligent" than anyone, but I often do feel like the people around me are kind of dumb and it's harder for me to connect with people who I feel aren't as intelligent as I'd like them to be.

 

Thoughts and "feelings" can't and won't make you "horrible". It's your actions that determine that. As long as you're not actively, maliciously harming living beings, I see no reason to consider yourself some sort of monster.

 

Perhaps. But while I don't really "do" anything malicious to people, it's quite apparent to me that people are perceptive enough of me and how I truly feel that they want nothing to do with me. Often times, it feels like people actively avoid trying to interact with me in a social way, and I can't say I blame them.

 

So, my actual actions may not push people away, but the fact that people want absolutely nothing to do with me anyway, that speaks volumes about me, as a person, at least in my opinion.

 

The only thing I'm really curious about as what you meant in terms of 'hope'? Hope of what? Finding love and intimacy? If so, you can be the worst human being in the known universe and still find someone to love you, but that's irrelevant - what matters is whether you feel that you have the capacity to love anyone else.

 

I guess I'm not really sure, myself. I mean, I'm pushing 30, at this point in my life, and I've never had anything even resembling a friend, or a romantic partner, I've never been able to make a single "connection" with another person in my entire life. Recently, I've been thinking about how my life is already pretty much half over, and in another 30 or so years, I'll probably be on my last legs. I keep seeing it in my head, me dying, without ever having a friend, without ever having a love interest, all alone, and that thought just makes my heart hurt.

 

But I just don't know what the "answer" is to solving this problem. I wonder if there's "hope" that I could have meaningful relationships in my life despite the fact that I'm an anti-social, arrogant, self-absorbed jerk. I wonder if there's "hope", as you said, that I could have the capacity to feel something for someone else (considering all I ever really feel for people is disdain, or at best, total and complete indifference).