Should I keep trying online dating?

[Lipitor11]

I've been using okcupid on and off, I decided to delete it awhile back, being frustrated that I can't find anything. So far, I've met like 10 guys, the guys that I really wanted to date, weren't interested after the first meeting. There were 2 guys that were interested, but they weren't my type, and 1 guy was damn pushy. I would prefer to meet someone by chance in my every day life, but since I don't go out, or have a social life, meeting someone is tough? I mean, the only place that I go to are to the stores, doing errands, etc, etc. Even if I'm out and about, no guy looks my way. So, the only way that I get dates on through OLD. And I'm in my 30's, so...should I keep trying and get discouraged?

[cerridwen]

It sounds like OLD is made for people like you.

 

Keep trying!

 

I suggest you build other parts of your life concurrently.

A social life is integral to good emotional health--with or without a partner.

 

Are you new to town? Is that what's stopping you from making friends?

[TheyCallMeOx]

There shouldn't be any "trying" with online dating. You sign up with an account, you check your messages every once in a while, browse some profiles when you're bored, and keep going with your life. I love OkCupid because I love to answer questions. I was always updating my profile, answering questions, and browsing profiles. I wasn't trying. When a woman would message me back, or express interest in me, I'd chat her up and take it to texting. Then we'd go from there. I wouldn't be discouraged with women not responding, or dates not working out. If you reach a point where you feel like you're trying, then maybe you need to take a step back; disable your profile for a month or so, go tubing with some friends, have promiscuous sex, and come back to it later.

[HappyLove]

Its a HUGE waste of time! Get busy in your life, join the gym, take classes, start dancing lessons....you'll be too busy to care about swiping away on the computer all night. Start doing more for yourself and he'll come along when you least expect it. Get out of the house and away from the keyboard.

[mammasita]

Its a HUGE waste of time! Get busy in your life, join the gym, take classes, start dancing lessons....you'll be too busy to care about swiping away on the computer all night. Start doing more for yourself and he'll come along when you least expect it. Get out of the house and away from the keyboard.

 

See THIS /\ is the WRONG attitude. You make it sound like everyone who uses OLD sits at the keyboard 24/7 and is a social pariah.

 

OP, You should be approaching it like this :

 

There shouldn't be any "trying" with online dating. You sign up with an account, you check your messages every once in a while, browse some profiles when you're bored, and keep going with your life. .

[Kid_Charlemange]

If you've met up with ten guys, that's a) a good number b) not really enough to give up on. The way I look at OLD (and OKC specifically) is that it's a quick view of the profile, a couple of exchanges, and then a meeting -- just coffee. I approach that coffee "date" almost as casually I would if I had just met the woman. The only advantage I have over an IRL chance encounter is that I know:

 

-She's single

-Whether she has kids or not (not that this is a deal-breaker)

-If we are remotely compatible politically and spirtually

-If she's a vegan or vegetarian

 

...and a few other things. Stuff that would come out in the first couple of minutes of a conversation anyway. There's very little investment at this point. If there's no connection, it's easy to walk away and say "nice meeting you." I think that's how most people treat OLD.

 

Now it's a little trickier for me than most people, because I'm so physically unattractive. It means I have to be a little more careful about whom I approach, I have to have a damn clever profile (and I do) and I generally need to be exceptional in my messages. But from guys who are average or above, it's not that much effort, and for women, it's even easier.

 

I'd say keep trying it. What do you have to lose? You're like me in that there aren't a lot of organic ways to meet people. I happen to have given up on OLD and dating in general, because it's just too much work for those of us on the extreme ends of the bell curve, but for the vast majority -- and I'm assuming you fall into that area -- I think it's a great way to possibly meet someone.

 

Good luck!

[HappyLove]

"See THIS /\ is the WRONG attitude. You make it sound like everyone who uses OLD sits at the keyboard 24/7 and is a social pariah."

 

You're right I forgot to add the people who OLD and do get out the house and spend the entire time on their match app or tinder app swiping away on their phones. Don't do that either.

[BluEyeL]

You can't give up after meeting 10 people. It's a numbers game and eventually you'll meet someone compatible. Also dating a lot will improve your skills. It helped me with social skills in general and made me more confident. I lost count of the men I've met in about one year and a half. I'm guessing around 50. As I practiced I got better and better, my confidence increased and I always get a second date now. I also learned what type of men work for me and what doesn't. I adjusted my parameters and I have a great experience dating now. I'd say don't give up but also work on yourself, to build a positive attitude.

[HappyLove]

You can't give up after meeting 10 people. It's a numbers game and eventually you'll meet someone compatible. Also dating a lot will improve your skills. It helped me with social skills in general and made me more confident. I lost count of the men I've met in about one year and a half. I'm guessing around 50. As I practiced I got better and better, my confidence increased and I always get a second date now. I also learned what type of men work for me and what doesn't. I adjusted my parameters and I have a great experience dating now. I'd say don't give up but also work on yourself, to build a positive attitude.

 

Not a diss on you AT ALL, trust me I get how hard it is to find a match, but who the hell needs to date 50 men to find someone compatible?! It just seems to prove that OLDing is a HUGE waste of time! I mean I think back to our grandparents and parents they never wasted so much time going through so many prospects that lead to nowhere. I mean just the effort it takes to keep getting dolled up to go out and have the same conversation for the 50th time seems so draining and discouraging. When do you finally realize it's not working need to try something new?

[d0nnivain]

You don't have to give up on OLD but perhaps add other things into the mix.

 

You say you don't go out except to the store. Change that. Do something. Volunteer somewhere. Go to a MeetUp event. Get a job outside your home. Take or teach a class.

[hellon]

I've been using okcupid on and off, I decided to delete it awhile back, being frustrated that I can't find anything. So far, I've met like 10 guys, the guys that I really wanted to date, weren't interested after the first meeting. There were 2 guys that were interested, but they weren't my type, and 1 guy was damn pushy. I would prefer to meet someone by chance in my every day life, but since I don't go out, or have a social life, meeting someone is tough? I mean, the only place that I go to are to the stores, doing errands, etc, etc. Even if I'm out and about, no guy looks my way. So, the only way that I get dates on through OLD. And I'm in my 30's, so...should I keep trying and get discouraged?

 

Yeah, I keep wondering this myself.

 

There are a lot of people on here who say that you should stop trying, that you'll meet someone when you least expect it. But my question for them is- how are we supposed to just stop? If we are tired of being single and want to meet someone, that's not going to change, and it's pretty hard to meet someone by chance if we're not putting ourselves out there in any way.

 

I have a social life, my problem is that my friends are almost entirely girls, gays, or married, so when I go out with them I'm just meeting more of the same. Occasionally I meet someone doing a freelance gig, but so far nothing's worked out. So I signed up for OLD and I'm not sure how I feel about it- but I'm going to give it a go for a little while longer. If you're doing okcupid it literally doesn't cost you anything to keep at it, so why not? I will say, try not to put too much stock in it, and if you need to take a break, take a break. Dating shouldn't be depressing and draining.

 

If you have time, I do think it's good advice to go out and do things that interest you and may give you the opportunity to meet new people (classes, etc.), it'll keep you busy and distracted, and maybe even give you something to talk about on those dates.

[d0nnivain]

I think the "stop trying" advice is better expressed as live your life, enjoy yourself & seek a new relationship as a way to enhance an already full life not as a way to have a life. Translation: don't be desperate or clingy.

 

What worked for me was viewing getting a new relationship like a job hunt. It required effort. I had to put myself out there. I went to at least 2 social functions per week. But I came from a position where I knew I was a good catch & sort of evaluated new people with idea of what can they do to add to my quality of life rather than OMG if I don't get a BF soon I may as well give up.

[OwMyEyeball]

Not a diss on you AT ALL, trust me I get how hard it is to find a match, but who the hell needs to date 50 men to find someone compatible?! It just seems to prove that OLDing is a HUGE waste of time! I mean I think back to our grandparents and parents they never wasted so much time going through so many prospects that lead to nowhere. I mean just the effort it takes to keep getting dolled up to go out and have the same conversation for the 50th time seems so draining and discouraging. When do you finally realize it's not working need to try something new?

For some there can be a lot of value in just the date itself as a way to connect with a new person, even if very early on you realize that you're not compatible partners. It can be fun, intriguing, educating, eye-opening or hilarious even if you know there's no chance of a future.

 

When dating becomes all about the result - forming a monogamous relationship - and not about the experience itself, then I understand how it could feel very defeating, very fast.

[BluEyeL]

Not a diss on you AT ALL, trust me I get how hard it is to find a match, but who the hell needs to date 50 men to find someone compatible?! It just seems to prove that OLDing is a HUGE waste of time! I mean I think back to our grandparents and parents they never wasted so much time going through so many prospects that lead to nowhere. I mean just the effort it takes to keep getting dolled up to go out and have the same conversation for the 50th time seems so draining and discouraging. When do you finally realize it's not working need to try something new?

I understand how you feel, I felt that way too in the first few months of dating. But then I realized I felt that way because I was looking at the entire thing in the wrong way. I was going on each date with the goal of finding that relationship instead of going on the date just to enjoy getting to know someone, learning perhaps something new, having an experience different than sitting on my couch in my pajamas. It's a process, you've got to be patient.

 

Sure, it is more comfortable on the couch. I think I exaggerated with the number 50, it wasn't that high. Maybe more like 30, but I see the entire thing as a learning process. Besides learning about myself, I also learned a lot of other things that I didn't know before, and had a lot of experiences I didn't have before. It also helped me at my job and relating to people in general. I like learning about people, understanding them and what makes them tick.

 

Overall, I enjoy it and don't see it as a chore. I'm a very positive and optimistic person, even annoyingly so. I also have a really high self esteem and I don't take rejection personally. I know I'm awesome, so if someone doesn't like me, surely it's his problem I also believe that we attract in our life what we think about, so if you think it all sucks, it will suck. For you.

 

I'm 42 yo, a single mom and I don't have a lot of other ways to meet men. I went to meetups and I met someone there last year, had a 4 months relationship with him. I also opened TWO meetup groups in my town and made new friends. I've never been happier and relationship or no relationship, being happy and having an active social life it's most important IMO.

[HappyLove]

I understand how you feel, I felt that way too in the first few months of dating. But then I realized I felt that way because I was looking at the entire thing in the wrong way. I was going on each date with the goal of finding that relationship instead of going on the date just to enjoy getting to know someone, learning perhaps something new, having an experience different than sitting on my couch in my pajamas. It's a process, you've got to be patient.

 

Sure, it is more comfortable on the couch. I think I exaggerated with the number 50, it wasn't that high. Maybe more like 30, but I see the entire thing as a learning process. Besides learning about myself, I also learned a lot of other things that I didn't know before, and had a lot of experiences I didn't have before. It also helped me at my job and relating to people in general. I like learning about people, understanding them and what makes them tick.

 

Overall, I enjoy it and don't see it as a chore. I'm a very positive and optimistic person, even annoyingly so. I also have a really high self esteem and I don't take rejection personally. I know I'm awesome, so if someone doesn't like me, surely it's his problem I also believe that we attract in our life what we think about, so if you think it all sucks, it will suck. For you.

 

I'm 42 yo, a single mom and I don't have a lot of other ways to meet men. I went to meetups and I met someone there last year, had a 4 months relationship with him. I also opened TWO meetup groups in my town and made new friends. I've never been happier and relationship or no relationship, being happy and having an active social life it's most important IMO.

 

 

I will admit OLDing does teach you A LOT. It gives you a tough skin and teaches you to reign in expectations and make sure you get to know a person.

[hellon]

I think the "stop trying" advice is better expressed as live your life, enjoy yourself & seek a new relationship as a way to enhance an already full life not as a way to have a life. Translation: don't be desperate or clingy.

 

I completely agree with this, but I'm more referring to those who say "stop trying" and mean it pretty literally, as though we're supposed to give ourselves over completely to chance.

 

And it can get a little frustrating to hear "just enjoy your life" over and over again, when you actually have a full and satisfying life aside from what feels like the one missing element, and have been at it long enough to feel discouraged.

 

What worked for me was viewing getting a new relationship like a job hunt. It required effort. I had to put myself out there. I went to at least 2 social functions per week. But I came from a position where I knew I was a good catch & sort of evaluated new people with idea of what can they do to add to my quality of life rather than OMG if I don't get a BF soon I may as well give up.

 

Yes, this. When we want anything else in life, like a new job, we put ourselves out there and work for it. Taking the same approach to finding the right person makes total sense.