vacation with guys

[deepassion]

Hi everyone! I have a problem that I really need to overcome. My boyfriend and I have been going out for a very long time. The last couple of years his been wanting to go on a vacation with his friends but I never thought it was a great idea since day one. Anyways he finally made his decision this month that he's definitely going with guys but I'm scared that he may do something he might regret although he has never done anything wrong in this relationship to ever make me doubt him. I just think that if anyone is going to be instigating anything it won't be him but what about temptation? I feel that this situation has to do with low self esteem and security with myself. Now I know I was never like this before but my ex kind of corrupted my self esteem by cheating on me numerous of times and I guess I'm just afraid of losing the most precious person to me in this world? What should I do about this whole vacation situation? (the flight's booked already)

 

Should I put all my trust and faith into this whole scenerio? Or should I just try to seek some professional help because I don't feel comfortable with myself being this way? Life is always full of "what if..." Please Help.

[Curious in Concert]

Being a guy, and going out with a very special person whos in a similar situation as you, in that her self-esteem has been sort of mangled because of how her old boyfriend cheated her, I think that I'm more open to whats going on. I believe that, in spite of all thats happened to you in the past, that you should place your trust in the man that your going out with. Let him go on this vacation. Show him that your putting your trust and your faith and your affection with him, in his hands. If he feels the same way about you, theres not a single thing you need to worry about.

[sparkle]

What are you still doing in this relationship with this guy if you still feel insecure and can't trust him completely? You didn't say how long you two are going out, but I'm guessing it's at least 2 or 3 years(?).

 

Think about why you're with him. Do you love him? Do you want your relationship to last longer? If so, you need to deal with your insecurities NOW and put them aside; otherwise, it will do nothing but ruin your relationship with him.

 

Love is about trust. Jealousy has no place in a healthy relationship. Guys don't like insecure girls, they seem immature. Don't be too possessive either and try to restrict his relationships with other people. It is all about trust. You two aren't living the same life. You TWO have TWO different lives that you're willing to share with each other. You two should have your own friends to hang out with and things to do on your own time.

 

He needs to be able to hang out with his friends without worrying about you feeling insecure about it. Heck, we all need a vacation or two every now and then.

 

Love isn't self-centered either. As long as your needs are being met, you need to look out for his needs and his happiness as well. And we all need time alone to ourselves or with our friends other than our significant other. You don't need to make him feel as if he's being smothered in this relationship. And just because he's taking a vacation with his friends doesn't mean that he's cheating on you or likes you any less.

 

Let him go on this vacation, and be very kind to him about it. Don't make him feel bad or guilty that he's going. Don't beg him not to go. Don't ask him to call you while he's gone.

 

In fact, if I were you, I'd call him up and say 'I apologize for seeming insecure and bothered that you were going out of town. I want you to go with your friends, and have a great time with them. I hope your vacation goes well. I understand that it's for a short time so you might be busy and have your hands full. So if you don't get a chance to call, it's quite alright because I understand. I just want you to have a good time, and don't worry, I'll still be here and we can catch up on our conversations when you get back".

 

Something along those lines...so that he feels you trust him. Also, you said he really hasn't done anything for you to not trust him. I think you're very lucky. Be grateful that he's with you. Most of my guy friends will end their relationships after just a few weeks if the girls seem too clingy, needy, untrusting.....you get the picture.

 

And while he's gone, work on trying to improve your self-esteem and feeling good about yourself. Get some books on the subject or talk to someone about it. Consider it a belated Valentine's day present to yourself. Trust me, a high self-esteem will do you wonders.

[Tony T]

Your boyfriend did not corrupt your self-esteem by cheating on you numerous times, as you say. You did that to yourself by staying with him.

 

Either you forgive and forget or hit the door. It was your choice to stay, he didn't put a gun to your head. You made the decision to remain with him. If you made that decision you must accord him the same trust you would give any other man you are with.

 

Now, if you still desire to remain with him after he has cheated on you numerous times and you don't trust him and your self esteem has sunk to new depths, you need to see a counsellor.

 

And since you made the decision to remain with a man who has such a wretched record of faithfulness, you have no reason to complain about his vacations and every reason to feel somewhat uneasy.

 

If I were you, I would feel the same way if he went to the corner store. I'm sorry you are having this problem but the only person who can do anything about is YOU.

 

Personally, I could not like, much less love, someone who had a record of treating me as he has done you. I would have sent him on a permanent vacation long ago.

 

You are a better person than I am.

[sparkle]

I think she said that her ex cheated on her. But the guy she's with now hasn't done anything for her not to trust him. Yet she's still insecure about him going on a trip

 

because "what if" he cheats on her too.

 

Deeppassion: You have to realize that not all guys are the same. Just because your ex cheated on you doesn't mean every other guy you meet will do the same. Worrying and thinking 'what if' is not productive at all. It will not get you anywhere. Again, let this guy go on a trip. You really have no reason to worry unless he's the type of guy that tries to pick up every girl he sees.

 

The less needy and insecure you seem, and the less baggage you carry with you from past relationships, will make your relationships much much better. Trust me!

[Tony T]

Sorry, that's what I get for answering posts in my sleep.

[deepassion]

Being a guy, and going out with a very special person whos in a similar situation as you, in that her self-esteem has been sort of mangled because of how her old boyfriend cheated her, I think that I'm more open to whats going on. I believe that, in spite of all thats happened to you in the past, that you should place your trust in the man that your going out with. Let him go on this vacation. Show him that your putting your trust and your faith and your affection with him, in his hands. If he feels the same way about you, theres not a single thing you need to worry about.

To Curious In Concert

 

I really appreciate your advice especially coming from a guy. I understand what I need to do. All my trust and faith must remain in this relationship to make it last. This is the biggest test that our love will ever go through, I think but I'm just afraid that one small mistake will end our relationship for good. But it's like you said and you're right I seriously have to put all my trust and faith in his hands and if he loves me as much as he says he does then I should have nothing to worry about,right? But "what if" something does happen (God forbid it does),honestly you as a guy, would you come clean about it knowing that it will cost you your relationship? Or you wouldn't do anything period because you know that a mistake like that would end your relationship and that you would never want that to happen.

 

Thanx, Deepassion

[deepassion]

What are you still doing in this relationship with this guy if you still feel insecure and can't trust him completely? You didn't say how long you two are going out, but I'm guessing it's at least 2 or 3 years(?). Think about why you're with him. Do you love him? Do you want your relationship to last longer? If so, you need to deal with your insecurities NOW and put them aside; otherwise, it will do nothing but ruin your relationship with him. Love is about trust. Jealousy has no place in a healthy relationship. Guys don't like insecure girls, they seem immature. Don't be too possessive either and try to restrict his relationships with other people. It is all about trust. You two aren't living the same life. You TWO have TWO different lives that you're willing to share with each other. You two should have your own friends to hang out with and things to do on your own time. He needs to be able to hang out with his friends without worrying about you feeling insecure about it. Heck, we all need a vacation or two every now and then. Love isn't self-centered either. As long as your needs are being met, you need to look out for his needs and his happiness as well. And we all need time alone to ourselves or with our friends other than our significant other. You don't need to make him feel as if he's being smothered in this relationship. And just because he's taking a vacation with his friends doesn't mean that he's cheating on you or likes you any less. Let him go on this vacation, and be very kind to him about it. Don't make him feel bad or guilty that he's going. Don't beg him not to go. Don't ask him to call you while he's gone.

 

In fact, if I were you, I'd call him up and say 'I apologize for seeming insecure and bothered that you were going out of town. I want you to go with your friends, and have a great time with them. I hope your vacation goes well. I understand that it's for a short time so you might be busy and have your hands full. So if you don't get a chance to call, it's quite alright because I understand. I just want you to have a good time, and don't worry, I'll still be here and we can catch up on our conversations when you get back".

 

Something along those lines...so that he feels you trust him. Also, you said he really hasn't done anything for you to not trust him. I think you're very lucky. Be grateful that he's with you. Most of my guy friends will end their relationships after just a few weeks if the girls seem too clingy, needy, untrusting.....you get the picture. And while he's gone, work on trying to improve your self-esteem and feeling good about yourself. Get some books on the subject or talk to someone about it. Consider it a belated Valentine's day present to yourself. Trust me, a high self-esteem will do you wonders.

To Sparkle

 

You are totally right. I do love this guy with my whole entire heart and soul and of course I want this relationship to last forever but my problem is how do I go about dealing with my insecurities and my self esteem? I want soooooo much to feel at ease about this whole wacation but as you said that I have to learn how to deal with myself before I feel confident with this vacation.

 

I feel very lucky to have a guy like him and I want to keep him. He has been very patient with me and all my problems about insecurities and all, that's why I guess really need some advice on how to deal with this so that I can tell him "ya, go on your vacation and have a great time!" with total confidence in our relationship.

 

Thanx, Deepassion