I was the 'other woman' in love. Will it ever work out? [Update]

[Chocobrownie]

Hi guys,

 

(please don't be mean. my heart is still raw and tender)

 

I met this guy this summer in a small town in Maine. We were working and living together for 7 weeks. We developed really beautiful friendship. We were hanging a lot, we enjoyed similar things, we worked really well together as a team, we understood each other really well, etc.

 

It became clear to me that the more time we spend together, we are getting more attracted to each other. But he has a girlfriend back home (they’ve been together for 4 years and now they live together), so we didn't do anything about it. He was telling me how unhappy he was in his relationship and I listened to him and talk to him about it.

 

One day he suddenly kissed me.. He said he tried to forget me but the feelings were getting stronger and stronger and he could not resist anymore. Since then we had the most amazing 2 weeks as ‘couple’. We were so in love- we were talking about running away and getting married, having kids. We had amazing emotional, spiritual, physical connection. We were so sad that we had to go back home to reality. We were soul mates.

 

We are in different cities now with very different lives.Now he is back home to his girl... We decided that 2 weeks are not long enough judge how real our relationship was. I guess wanted more, but I agreed with him.

 

It's been three weeks after we came back home, we still couldn’t stop talking the way we were. So I finally asked him to be very clear with me, and he told me that he can’t leave his girlfriend for another woman- that would be really wrong. So he wants to do best and work on his relationship whether or not it will last.

 

Surprisingly and disappointedly, He said that even when he breaks up with his girlfriend (which I believe they will soon), he might not want to jump into another yet serious relationship. I told him that is completely wise thing to do. One should take time to recover after a long term relationship.

 

So I told him that I can't talk to him anymore in this case. I had to cut him off and end the ‘friendship’. He was really upset with this (of course I was too, but it had to be done).

 

We will still bump into each other once in a while since we work in same field. Maybe in few years when the circumstances are right, we might get back together? Or is it already ruined?

Edited September 15, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[No Limit]

Even if they break up, his name would be ruined if he suddenly was with you, which he well knows. Sorry, but you were little more than the fling. And he did the oldest tricks to succeed, like telling you what you wanted to hear.

 

I'd still ask you to expose him. Nothing worse than marrying a cheater, and they have been together for a very long time already...

[ExpatInItaly]

You were his summer fling, OP. He's right that you didn't know each other well enough to be planning any sort of future together. Talk of running away and getting married and having kids is just that - talk. It might be thrilling to fantasize about, but never put much stock into these flights of fancy. There's no basis in reality for it, in this situation. I don't mean to diminish your feelings, but he got a little side excitement and that's as far as it went for him. He doesn't want to continue cheating and was clear that even if the relationship ends, he won't be running to find you.

 

You're doing the right thing by cutting off communication with him. Why should he have his cake and eat it too? He'd be stringing you and his poor girlfriend along. Cut him off and seek someone who single.

[Natsu21]

There had to be something for there to be ruined. You know, besides his relationship.

 

You were a fling, nothing more. But if you want revenge, ratting him out to his girl is a nice start, not that she'll believe you.

 

-Natsu21

Edited September 10, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Nathaniel Hawk]

I was once were you are now. The girl didn't pick me neither and decided to work in her relationship. I find it quite hilarious. Instead of working in the relationship from the beginning they decide to have an affair for then going back. It sucks but it's time to move on.

 

I suggest you block him completely, just in case. You dodged a major bullet here, but you just don't realize yet. Take care and focus on you.

[gettingstronger]

Maybe not a fling, but something that developed outside of his normal day to day world- once back in to his world he decided that you were not the one for him- could be guilt, could be anything but he is not interested in you for the long term-

 

Sorry you are hurting-

[whichwayisup]

There's no point in any contact or friendship, casual or otherwise. That ship has sailed. You want him as your boyfriend and he still is with his girlfriend.

 

You did the right thing by ending it and cutting him out of your life.

[Poppy47]

I have been there too ,so I know how you feel...rejected.

 

Isn't it ironic that they would regard it as wrong to leave their wives, but have no hesitation is messing around with another woman.Double standards, well just a bit.

 

You need to let it all go and turn the page. Better things ahead. Would you really want to spend your life with him after he's been cheating? No. You would have massive trust issues.

 

Warm wishes.

Poppy

[Ruffian1]

Do the right thing, tell his clueless girlfriend. It is the right thing to do. Us women need to help each other.

[GoBlue]

Only time will tell if you can have a relationship with him or not. This is the purpose of dating, though, to develop a friendship and to find out if there is enough there to produce a marriage and family. Red flags and character issues should never be over-looked but should be fully evaluated. The fact that you were "the other woman" may indicate something that would have to be considered as you move forward. In other words, if he did it to her why wouldn't he do it to you?

[Chocobrownie]

Thanks everyone for your replies.

 

I don't think I can bring myself up to tell his girlfriend the truth. I don't even know how- I don't know her at all. Actually, I confronted him few times already that he is lying to his girlfriend and he should tell her the truth. I couldn't understand how he can be so invested in a relationship that is not built on trust and honesty (and choose that over what we had). He thinks that since he decided to go back to his obligation, there is no point in making her upset and ruin whatever potential their relationship has.

 

Now this is what's quite ironic.... Somehow, I see the immorality of his behavior, yet at the same time I understand him. I am kind of proud of him. I see a man who decided to try his best in something that he made a commitment with- even if he had an affair, he went back anyway. I know the time we had was not fake. I think at some point, he really thought about leaving her to be with me. The people we were with in the town, some of them knew his girlfriend. When I asked him 'what if your girlfriend finds out?', he would say 'I can't think about that now. I just want to be with you'. I recall how heavy his heart was when he decided to go back to her. He said he wonders if he is an idiot to let me go. Later, he said he might regret letting me go, he cannot leave her for me. I could see the weight of the reality and responsibility on this young man's shoulder.

 

He is still young, in his mid twenties and four years younger than me. He met this girlfriend when he was 20. I am hopeful that he will learn something from this experience and grow. I really hope that we can end up being together someday- like we are meant to be together. Maybe not in this life time, maybe in a decade, who knows... Somehow (I know it's ironic) if he ever comes back to me, now I can take him back because he choose to stay with his girlfriend and not leave her. He proved his determination. (Of course I won't take him back unless he is single)

 

I am curious though... Will it ever happen... Only time will tell, but I am impatient I guess. I am going to move on and live my life, but I really hope that our paths will cross again and that time in a better situation.

Edited September 11, 2014 by Chocobrownie

[still_an_Angel]

I don't doubt the feeling of affair partners when they say "what we had was real", it is real, in the bubble that both parties created with each other. Unfortunately, this "world" is not reality and I think this is what happened here. Both of you had lives you got back to - where you pay bills, worry about money, services, etc. and he may have realized this is his world.

 

 

I'm sorry you are hurting, but this is the reality of most affairs, committed/married people go back to their wives leaving the OW feeling hurt, betrayed, rejected, all that. He has been honest enough to tell you that he won't be seeking you out even if he separates from his gf, that is your cue that what his intentions are and use it to move on. Maybe, if your paths cross again in the future and the circumstances are different, maybe it could work. But till then, go forward and be happy your affair did not drag on for too long and then break up, because that is simply devastating.

[Chocobrownie]

He texted me today.

 

It was my birthday (Monday) when we talked last time and 'ended' our affair. Apparently he sent me a birthday gift before we 'ended' and it arrived today in my mail. He texted me "did you get your gift?"

 

Why text me to check? He is weak. I thought I made it clear to him that I didn't want friendship anymore.... I really don't want to be that woman. That he thinks of and secretly sends gifts to, while still being with his girlfriend.

 

My initial instinct was to send him a mean message. "I don't think I made myself clear to you. Unless you are done with your girlfriend, please do not contact me anymore." But he did send me a gift.. I think the right thing to do is thank him. It seems like he will contact me again. If he ever does, or if he wants to continue the conversation after my thank you message, I will tell him that.

 

Even though I am trying to (I am) stay strong, the gift left me tender spot in my heart. When he asked me what I want for my birthday last week, I jokingly said "Red Mini Cooper!" He obviously cannot buy that- he is a poor student.

 

He sent me 9 dollor red mini-cooper toy car

Edited September 12, 2014 by Chocobrownie

[Poppy47]

He is keeping you up his sleeve for a rainy day.

Don't be softened or fooled by his gift. He is staying with his girlfriend. You might have the gift but where is he?

Poppy

[Chocobrownie]

Hi guys,

 

I NEED HELP. I NEED specific guideline.....

 

It's my second time posting here. I am not gonna bore anybody with my story... After reading lots of threads, I understand that the pattern is basically similar for everyone.

 

I guess my situation is a bit different in the sense that my guy is not married, no kids, young, in his first serious long-term relationship (4 years). I am 29, he is 25. It's harder, because I keep hoping. I keep telling myself that he doesn't really know what he wants, so he will end up breaking up his relationship and come find me. He said himself about his relationship: "I feel like I am in transitional period. I am still figuring things out. It's confusing and strange"

 

Anyway... I know the right thing to do is just forget it. Just accept that fact that we are not gonna be together and move on. He chose her. We are not talking now. He made himself really clear to me - he wants to stay in his relationship, work on it weather of not it lasts. Even when they break up, he might not want a serious relationship with me. We agreed to get in touch when he becomes single though.

 

 

I JUST CANNOT LET GO. I can't find the strength to do it. I feel like I lost the love of my life. Every morning I stay in bed and cry over him. It hurts and it hurts. I cannot believe that the way we felt, the way we loved each other didn't mean anything. I cannot even imagine him getting married to that woman. It hurts that he chose her. Over me. How do I do it? How do I get over it?

Edited September 15, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[whichwayisup]

How long were you two together before the A ended?

 

Anyway... I know the right thing to do is just forget it. Just accept that fact that we are not gonna be together and move on. He chose her. We are not talking now. He made himself really clear to me - he wants to stay in his relationship, work on it weather of not it lasts. Even when they break up, he might not want a serious relationship with me. We agreed to get in touch when he becomes single though.

 

You have no choice but to let go and grieve the loss. You are making it worse by hoping he'll choose you (some day). He isn't. Believe his words, he was honest and clear about the future.

 

How to get over it? You push yourself to get through the day and work hard on not letting this ruin you. Staying in bed, day after day and crying isn't good. Call friends, go out and have a change of scenery. Keep as busy as you can so you'll be tired at night and be able to sleep.

 

Allow yourself a certain amount of time each day to cry and be sad, then pick yourself up and do your best to put him and the pain out of your head.

 

Went back and read your other thread.

 

7 weeks vs 4 year relationship. Yes you're hurting but hoping he'll choose you vs a longer history and life entwined with gf of 4 years is setting yourself up for a huge hurt.

 

Sounds like a conveniant fling on his behalf and you totally fell in love with him.

Edited September 15, 2014 by whichwayisup

[CaryAlston]

He strung you along. He toyed with your emotions because he needed it. He had no regard for his partner or you. He will never choose you: he will always choose what is convenient for him. If he cheats on his girlfriend, how can you even be sure he does not cheat on you with other? He is not confused; it's all about he and himself only. He is a selfish narcissist who took advantage of you. Not exactly good bf/husband material. Think about that everytime he comes to mind.

 

He was a predator; you were his prey. He never treated you right, let alone as an equal. Why should you waste more time and tears on him? Even if he becomes single again, you're better off staying away. There's a faithful guy waiting out there for you.

Edited September 15, 2014 by CaryAlston

[CaryAlston]

BTw, the love of your life would treat you with respect and be faithful to you. Seriously doubt your exAP is that person.

[CaryAlston]

Sorry, it will never work out. If he cheated on her with you, he'll cheat on you with another. Selfish people like him behave that way. Why on earth would you put yourself in that situation? You said he was weak. Not exactly ideal bf/husband material. You should save yourself the trouble and move on.

[Chocobrownie]

I guess you are right... He needed me and the 'love' we shared to feel good about himself. I think he needed to be saved at that very moment from his responsibility. I keep recalling they way he made love to me, the way he treated me with so much affection....But when that was fulfilled, he didn't look back. I guess I keep hoping that people learn and people change. But people don't change easily right?

 

I am conflicted between two things; do I hate him and be angry with it, or understand him. To be honest, I understand him and I kind of have soft spot for him. It was hard time for him. And if I decided to say he is a bad man, I end up blaming myself for allowing this to happen. Either way I feel hurt...

 

I am so confused.

Edited September 15, 2014 by Chocobrownie

[CaryAlston]

I guess you are right... He needed me and the 'love' we shared to feel good about himself. I think he needed to be saved at that very moment from his responsibility. I keep recalling they way he made love to me, the way he treated me with so much affection....But when that was fulfilled, he didn't look back. I guess I keep hoping that people learn and people change. But people don't change easily right?

 

I am conflicted between two things; do I hate him and be angry with it, or understand him. To be honest, I understand him and I kind of have soft spot for him. It was hard time for him. And if I decided to say he is a bad man, I end up blaming myself for allowing this to happen. Either way I feel hurt...

 

I am so confused.

Some people are just built like that. That he is an egotistical narcissist is not your fault. That he is a self-centered jerk is not because of you. He took advantage of you. You are the victim so don't blame yourself. You were misled by him.

 

You cannot change him; he must want to change. Based on what you told us, unfortunately, it does not appear that he wants to change. He's happy and content being like that. Don't waste more time on him.

Edited September 15, 2014 by CaryAlston

[stillafool]

Do the right thing, tell his clueless girlfriend. It is the right thing to do. Us women need to help each other.

 

This is true. We can also help each other by not having sex with each others boyfriends and husbands too.

[Lovemesomehim]

Stop being confused and get concerned about yourself.

 

 

This man, possibly led you to believe he was in love with you, you were his sole mate, blah, blah, blah. But at the end of the day when he had to make a choice, that choice was not you.

 

 

Harboring on the past and future with this person is useless. Why live your life in limbo for another human being that had the opportunity to have you in this lifetime but chose to hurt you? Love does not hurt. Love does not hide. Love does not lie.

 

 

I know you're in the stages of grieving but don't stay stuck here.

 

 

Once you understand that you are worthy of being loved and valued by a man that is willing to openly love you, then and only then will you realize that this relationship sets the tone of what you will not tolerate in a relationship.

[whichwayisup]

Be angry at him, but be angry at yourself too. You're not a victim in this as you knew from the beginning he had a girlfriend, he didn't lie to you or hide the fact he was in a relationship.

 

Learn from this painful experience and know your own boundaries, what lines will and won't be crossed, what type of men you date in the future and don't put up with crappy treatment from anyone.

[me85]

Coming from someone who was in a seriously RS for 2 years (lived with the guy; he bought an engagement ring for me-which he claims he still has) who tragically broke my heart, strung me along and was confused, blah blah blah...chose 2 other girls over me and STILL reaches out to me...I mean, just the worst! After a while, it became my fault. Because I kept allowing him back into my life and into my head and my heart. It was my fault for not protecting myself from him much sooner than I finally started to.

 

I mean, in a year's time my ex chose 2 different girls over me (that I know of.) He's been with the last girl since January. It hurt like hell but then you just have to realize that you deserve so much better than them! Period.

 

There's no easy way through it. You just have to let yourself feel the way you feel. All the while, being productive and taking care of yourself. You will learn how to multi-task in that bitter sweet way, like the rest of us have. We're not all 100% healed but we're putting one foot in front of the other, day after day. Every now and then, we look back and see that the gigantic problem we once faced has gotten smaller through distance.

 

You will most certainly get through this. Just remember, you're never alone when you visit all of us here at LS. It really should be called the heartbreak hotel with many floors. lol

Edited September 15, 2014 by me85