I was the 'other woman' in love. Will it ever work out? [Update]

[hello234]

Oh my goodness.. If anything, if I were you, I would be so pissed off at him. How can he spend such a great, loving , affectionate time with you and then say that he cannot leave his GF? Don't you think that if he loved you THAT much as he says he does, that he would not hesitate to leave her? Especially since he is not married to her, no kids, no commitment..Shoot, if I really loved another guy that much, I would have broken up with my BF to be with that person. Does this not dawn on you?? I am sorry, but maybe he didn't like you as much as he is saying he does. If he did then why is it so hard for him to break off a relation with his gf which he is not even happy in??? Not like he is even married to her!! HE has not commitment, no kids nothing.. It's so easy for him to walk away yet he is not. He is choosing to stay with her and not be with you. Is he also crying everyday and feeling sad over you? I would like to know. How can you not be mad and see it for what it really is? You can do better..

[Chocobrownie]

We did have a talk and he says it breaks his heart to leave me, but he doesn't know how she is going to live without him. They live together, he is supporting her, paying the rent, she moved for him, etc... I live far far away from him- so it would be really hard for us to be together successfully anyway. I don't think he made that decision easily. I guess I did know deep inside that he would most likely go back to his girlfriend from the beginning, as he kept saying "I don't have anything to offer to you. I just don't see how we will work out practically. We live so far away..." It did sound like he is victimizing himself and not making a decision based on his own happiness. So in this sense he is weak. But I also understand that it would be really risky for him to throw everything away for a woman that he really likes but just miles miles away...

 

I think he considered... Otherwise we wouldn't have talked about what our future would have been like if we met at a different time. Maybe I am crazy, even though he knew what his decision will be but it was hard for him to finally come to terms with it. I am sure that he is thankful to me to cut him off and making that decision for him..

Edited September 15, 2014 by Chocobrownie

[me85]

You have to stop communicating with him. If you just can't stop yourself from communicating with him then make it completely friendly only conversation. No talk of love or sex or love you or miss you. None of that what so ever. No initiating messages with him either. You can only respond in short to his.

 

I understand you love the guy and are hurting because he chose another girl over you but you really are going to have to start drilling that into your head multiple times a day from now on...he chose another girl over you/he does not want to be with you/he wants her, not you...and repeat all that over and over in your mind. Don't allow any room in your brain for should've, could've, would'ves or what ifs. No ma'am. Time to get tough.

[Chocobrownie]

he chose another girl over you/he does not want to be with you/he wants her, not you...and repeat all that over and over in your mind.

 

This hurts, but this is gonna help... You are right. Whatever he said, action speaks louder. He did choose her. He is not with me.

 

I am not communicating with him at all. He texted me last week with a question, I just return in short message. After that we have not in contact.

[Quiet Storm]

Oh my goodness.. If anything, if I were you, I would be so pissed off at him. How can he spend such a great, loving , affectionate time with you and then say that he cannot leave his GF? Don't you think that if he loved you THAT much as he says he does, that he would not hesitate to leave her? Especially since he is not married to her, no kids, no commitment..Shoot, if I really loved another guy that much, I would have broken up with my BF to be with that person. Does this not dawn on you?? I am sorry, but maybe he didn't like you as much as he is saying he does. If he did then why is it so hard for him to break off a relation with his gf which he is not even happy in??? Not like he is even married to her!! HE has not commitment, no kids nothing.. It's so easy for him to walk away yet he is not. He is choosing to stay with her and not be with you. Is he also crying everyday and feeling sad over you? I would like to know. How can you not be mad and see it for what it really is? You can do better..

 

 

For some men, love is just not that important to change their life over. Love and passion have their time and place, they enjoy it, but it's like watching an action movie or riding a motorcycle. It's fun and exciting, but it is entertainment. Most men don't really want to be a superhero or ride a motorcycle every day. They have fun with it and go back to their real lives.

 

It comes down to him valuing other things in his life more than his relationship with you. It could be a variety of things he values- money, kids, history, religion, health, etc. But bottom line line he doesn't want to be with you.

 

Allow yourself to grieve the loss and move on. You will be OK.

Edited September 15, 2014 by Quiet Storm

[herself]

I guess you are right... He needed me and the 'love' we shared to feel good about himself. I think he needed to be saved at that very moment from his responsibility. I keep recalling they way he made love to me, the way he treated me with so much affection....But when that was fulfilled, he didn't look back. I guess I keep hoping that people learn and people change. But people don't change easily right?

 

I am conflicted between two things; do I hate him and be angry with it, or understand him. To be honest, I understand him and I kind of have soft spot for him. It was hard time for him. And if I decided to say he is a bad man, I end up blaming myself for allowing this to happen. Either way I feel hurt...

 

I am so confused.

 

Think of him cruelly and callously. Think of him going home to his gf as if nothing happened and hugging and kissing her and how much he missed her and thought of her the whole time. Of course he told you things weren't good between them because he wanted you to believe that so you would sleep with him.

I have to think really coldly and honestly about my xap in order to be strong and move on. I know youd like to think he was confused blah blah. Lets be real, he was a guy thinking with his penis knowing he could go home and back to life and forget it like it didn't count.

Now your left sad...and not one of his promises were real. What an ******* for thinking its ok to string some one along like that. Gross.

[Chocobrownie]

Hi guys,

 

I have not been in touch with my guy for now about few weeks. I miss him a lot but I know I am not ready to be friends with him now, so I am not going to contact him.

 

Another problem.....

 

I am two week pass my period due. My home pregnancy test says negative but I am worried. I have never been late. I've gone through tremendous mental stress during and after this affair-- so I am hoping that it is due to the stress.

 

I try not to think about what if. But! What if? What if I am pregnant with him? After all, we didn't use condom... I know it's stupid but at that time we were just too stupidly passionate. We talked about "What if we get pregnant" and he said "then we will get married". Of course it was just a talk, but I am not starting worry.

[whichwayisup]

Get yourself to the Dr and have a blood test done, that way you'll know for sure whether or not you're pregnant. If you don't, you'll sit and worry about it for weeks.

 

if you are pregnant, then you'll have to contact him and let him know what's going on.

 

Keep up the good work with NC. You two can't be friends, so use this time to let go and detach from him.

[Chocobrownie]

Get yourself to the Dr and have a blood test done, that way you'll know for sure whether or not you're pregnant. If you don't, you'll sit and worry about it for weeks.

 

if you are pregnant, then you'll have to contact him and let him know what's going on.

 

Keep up the good work with NC. You two can't be friends, so use this time to let go and detach from him.

 

 

Yeah, I made a doctor's appointment but (of course as always....) they don't have anything until next week. So if I still don't have period by then, I think I should be worried.

[Redheaded Mistress]

It could also be just stress. Stress does crazy things to our cycles.

[Chocobrownie]

YES, turns out that it was after all just stress.

 

Thinking about the possibility of having this imaginary child made me go through the heartbreak yet again. I stopped drinking coffee and alcohol just in case and I was ready to call this guy up to tell him the 'happy' news. It was heartbreaking to get my period. Another loss....

[jellybean89]

Hi guys,

 

I NEED HELP. I NEED specific guideline.....

 

It's my second time posting here. I am not gonna bore anybody with my story... After reading lots of threads, I understand that the pattern is basically similar for everyone.

 

I guess my situation is a bit different in the sense that my guy is not married, no kids, young, in his first serious long-term relationship (4 years). I am 29, he is 25. It's harder, because I keep hoping. I keep telling myself that he doesn't really know what he wants, so he will end up breaking up his relationship and come find me. He said himself about his relationship: "I feel like I am in transitional period. I am still figuring things out. It's confusing and strange"

 

Anyway... I know the right thing to do is just forget it. Just accept that fact that we are not gonna be together and move on. He chose her. We are not talking now. He made himself really clear to me - he wants to stay in his relationship, work on it weather of not it lasts. Even when they break up, he might not want a serious relationship with me. We agreed to get in touch when he becomes single though.

 

 

I JUST CANNOT LET GO. I can't find the strength to do it. I feel like I lost the love of my life. Every morning I stay in bed and cry over him. It hurts and it hurts. I cannot believe that the way we felt, the way we loved each other didn't mean anything. I cannot even imagine him getting married to that woman. It hurts that he chose her. Over me. How do I do it? How do I get over it?

 

Wasn't this a 5 week fling? It concerns me you are so depressed over a summer romance. Have you not been in many relationships? I realize you are young.

 

He has TOLD YOU he is staying in his current relationship. I don't believe for a second that if they end, he will look you up. Those are just words men use.

 

Believe him. He is staying, by his choice, with her. Your situation isn't that different - he is in a committed relationship.

 

Let him go and let the fantasy of a life with him go.

[Chocobrownie]

Wasn't this a 5 week fling? It concerns me you are so depressed over a summer romance. Have you not been in many relationships?

 

 

Yes, it was only 5 week fling. A very short time. But somehow I am having very hard time moving on from this. It just felt so right and there were so many things that we haven't experienced together so I guess I am still holding on to the sweet memory.

 

I know that he is with his girlfriend and he told me all of that very clearly. I just know that he is making a wrong decision- not to say that I have any power to change that. He is young and he is not ready for anything real. He is staying with his young and immature girlfriend because he knows it is not real relationship.

 

I've been in few serious relationships. One for 2 years and other for 5 years resulted in broken engagement.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

YES, turns out that it was after all just stress.

 

Thinking about the possibility of having this imaginary child made me go through the heartbreak yet again. I stopped drinking coffee and alcohol just in case and I was ready to call this guy up to tell him the 'happy' news. It was heartbreaking to get my period. Another loss....

 

Very gently, it wasn't actually a loss because it never was a thing. It was something in your mind, I know, but not reality. Sometimes we have to force ourselves to get out if our own head. Having a child with a MM is a nightmare for many reasons. There are plenty if threads in here about that.

 

You are young, learn to make yourself happy pronto so that you will be emotionally healthy when a single guy you like comes along. Maybe change that appointment to a counseling appt instead.

[Chocobrownie]

Very gently, it wasn't actually a loss because it never was a thing. It was something in your mind, I know, but not reality. Sometimes we have to force ourselves to get out if our own head.

 

You are absolutely right. I keep thinking about this fantasized everything- what's in my head feel so much more real than what it actually was. I need some help... I made a counseling appointment next week. I hope I will move on from this soon. It's too painful.

[whichwayisup]

You are absolutely right. I keep thinking about this fantasized everything- what's in my head feel so much more real than what it actually was. I need some help... I made a counseling appointment next week. I hope I will move on from this soon. It's too painful.

 

I'm glad to hear this.

 

Once you begin counseling you'll feel stronger and she/he will teach you the tools you'll need to really let go and grieve the loss and also kill the fantasy of who you built him up to be in your head. He isn't that perfect guy. Not even close.

 

Good luck and be confident. Push yourself as hard as you can to work hard so you can move on with your life.