She acts like we're a couple, but says she isn't ready for a relationship (Updated)

[09301991]

Alright guys,

 

I met this girl on that tinder app back in April, and we've been talking ever since. After talking for months, we realized that we liked each other, and we wanted to meet in person. We met in person for the first time last week, and we've seen each other four times since now. We've already kissed, held hands, cuddled, and I guess are seeing each other, but not quite a relationship. We talk to each other every day too through text, which is great and all. But for the past few days, I feel like she's slowly losing interest with me even though she's told me that she likes me a lot because I'm not boring, I can hold conversation, and I respect her. And she used to send me cute hearts and emojis whenever we texted, and she just doesn't seem to flirt too much anymore since the last time we hung out. But when we hang out in person, she acts like we're together, and everything is right with the world. I haven't said anything to her about it because we aren't together, so it's not like she's supposed to text me any specific way. I guess I'm just worried that she just isn't feeling me anymore. I even tell her that if I'm boring her, I can just let her go do her thing. but she just says "It's okay." So I guess she wants me to talk to her. But I just don't know. She just doesn't add a lot to the conversation anymore. What do you guys think? Maybe I'm just over thinking things. Any advice for anyone who's been in my situation before would be appreciated. Thank you

[Coil]

Why not talk on the phone some too?! I find it much better for good conversation than texting.

[09301991]

She has no service on her phone. She uses kik to communicate with me.

[09301991]

So, i've started hanging out with this girl a couple weeks ago. We really like each other and we act like we're a couple when we're together. We hug, kiss, hold hands etc. (We even got intimate a little bit) She finally brought up 'the talk' and asked me what we are. I told her that I'd like to be more than friends eventually. But she told me that she doesn't think she's ready for a relationship, but she likes what we are now and asked me if we can just stay what we are now. She labeled it as 'hanging out'. I asked her if she wants to keep her options open, and she told me that she isn't talking to any other guys at the moment, but I can talk to other girls if I want. She also told me that relationships kinda freak her out. (Probably because she hasn't actually been in one before.) But I'm just curious about what you guys think. Is she just kinda keeping me around because she likes the feelings of doing those kinds of things that couples do together? Or is she genuine about just not being ready? Should I just give it time? Just looking for other opinions and experiences with this sort of situation.

[smackie9]

She is just one of those people that doesn't care for commitment. Do what she says, keep your options open. I'm gathering she likes the attention but doesn't want feelings involved, so you could go for a FWB down the road. It all depends on what yo are willing to accept and what you truly want. If you want commitment, don't hold your breath....she already gave you the talk and there was no promise that things will go to the next level.

[d0nnivain]

If you are enjoying what you have, back off labeling it & just enjoy. After a few months breach the subject again & at that point you can explain to her that you have been in a relationship so she is less scared of the concept.

[pteromom]

She has told you straight up what she wants. She wants to "hang out" but doesn't want a relationship with you.

 

If you are cool with "hanging out", then keep seeing her. If not, break it off.

 

Don't analyze her actions. Hugging, kissing, cuddling, and sex feel good. But they don't mean someone has feelings for you, or that they want to commit to you.

[mammasita]

If you want the title and everything that comes with it, looks elsewhere.

 

Women are perfectly capable of stringing a man along just as well as a man is a woman.

 

She's told you exactly what she wants....no title, no relationship. If you are ok with that and can go on never expecting more, than you should be good.

[09301991]

Yeah, I suppose that makes sense. I mean, she just seemed like she wanted more than to just hang out with me for a while. I really like her, but if she doesn't want to commit, I can't change her mind. So from what I'm understanding, I have 2 options. 1: I can just cut the ties with her now since we both want different things out of this 'hanging out' situation. Or 2: I could keep hanging out with her and see if her feelings change about what she wants. Either way, I have a risk at ultimately being disappointed. Lol. Damn, that sucks. I was just hoping she was afraid of becoming attached and risking getting her heart broken.

[azureorb]

So, i've started hanging out with this girl a couple weeks ago. We really like each other and we act like we're a couple when we're together. We hug, kiss, hold hands etc. (We even got intimate a little bit)

 

Okay, a couple weeks -- taking it slow on the physical side (if you're 21+ years old) -- starting to date, okay...

 

She finally brought up 'the talk' and asked me what we are. I told her that I'd like to be more than friends eventually. But she told me that she doesn't think she's ready for a relationship, but she likes what we are now and asked me if we can just stay what we are now. She labeled it as 'hanging out'.

 

Okay, News Flash: You ARE MORE THAN FRIENDS ALREADY. Periodically kiss? You're more than friends. If you're just one step above non-platonic, you're more than friends.

 

She basically wants to be "just dating" at the most, and that's it. There are 3 Phases to everything:

 

1) Pre-Dating phase (the first couple weeks or so) -- where going out isn't a given. You more or less are still in the asking to go out. There is no routine, no assumptions, etc. One or the other could end up starting see someone else and be pretty unavailable at any time. This is where one's trying to "win over" the other, if that exists (but not required, of course).

 

2) Dating phase -- you're not truly gf/bf. You're not in a "relationship", but you will be, regardless of labels if this continues for a good while. This is where it Is Routine that you'll see each other again. Like, if a friend calls you up and asks what you're doing this weekend, you'd say "Well, me and Sally are probably going to be hanging out somewhere, maybe at X or Z downtown, on Fri or Sat night. Why, what's up?" You don't have to ask the girl out -- that's in the past. You two are just rolling together as it's become routine. You're not Meshing Lives or anything, but you'd have to go out of your way NOT to see each other at all that week, as opposed to the Pre-Dating Phase, where you have to at least step forward To see each other.

 

3) Relationship -- to one degree or another, you are gf/bf. It doesn't mean it's Serious (that's the upper level) -- it just means you've been truly Dating for a while where you spend a lot of time together. You are Meshing Lives at this point -- spending a lot of time, not just going out, but sleeping over, there's a few things of hers at your place and vice versa... there's no asking to 'crash' at each other's place.

 

I asked her if she wants to keep her options open, and she told me that she isn't talking to any other guys at the moment, but I can talk to other girls if I want.

 

Fair warning: She is talking to other guys. She's not going to tell you. What she MEANS is: "I'm not SEEING any other guys right now".

 

She also told me that relationships kinda freak her out. (Probably because she hasn't actually been in one before.)

 

That's an exaggeration, but there's truth to it -- just exemplified by You. She likes you, but she's not ga-ga about you. Just roll with it if it's been two weeks, don't bring up anything.

 

I will say though, if you see the girl A LOT during, say, 3 weeks, you can still say that you'd like each other not to scout/chase/date date anyone else. BUT also -- you're not aiming to be BF/GF -- you just don't like complications, and hey, you really like her but want to keep things casual for a while and not rush into things (see? you're promoting the same thing she is).

 

The problem is, sometimes it's not the fear of Relationships. It's the fear of losing one's options to get a guy's #. To make out with a guy playing wing-girl for a friend. To feel at a "loss", knowing that if a real cute guy walks in the room, they can't have them. People don't like not being able to have something. Big difference between fear of Relationships and that.

 

So is she stringing you along? Using you as a guy-shes-hanging-out-with and that's it? Maybe. I'm not there.

 

But what you can do is Not come across as clingy or you like her tons and are aiming for a relationship. Again, after a little while longer, when you're around the 1 month mark, say you're not aiming to be BF/GF -- you like to go with the flow, but at this point, you do like her, and you don't want each other to have outside 'distractions' -- so no scouting/chasing/dating other people? Again, not seriousness. But again, up until that point, have NO PRESSURE by words or attitude that you're wanting her "to be yours".

 

If she backs away from that offer after 4 weeks -- yeah, she's using you as a "temp job" until she finds someone 'better'.

 

If she ONLY had issues with things 'serious' or Relationships -- then she wouldn't mind merely "seeing someone" and turning off scouting/chasing/dating others after about a month.

[LoveIsMyReligion]

I used to do this unfortunately.. I think she is keeping her options open. If I really liked someone I normally wouldn't hesitate to call her my girlfriend, it's not like you're asking her to marry you.

[Elle1975]

Hanging out means she takes what she wants out of you, until she meets the right guy.

[azureorb]

Wait, this is the same girl from the other thread! Now, this opens things up!

 

When you're out with a girl that's non-platonic, you Are together -- in that moment. Don't run with it thinking that describes your lives together. Don't run with expectations.

 

So her interest waned -- but she still wants to keep you in the mix with that lack of interest.

 

What do you expect her to actually say to you? She's obviously going to give you the "nice" version of everything. Actions speak louder than words... she lacks interest. Period, end of discussion.

 

You're not over-thinking things on that front. You're over-thinking how she could be really interested in you. She's on Tinder, she's gotten boned by other dudes, you're just a back-pocket option at Best. At Best that's all you are.

 

If you have strong feelings for her and can't switch gears into being "ehh" about her and making HER a back-pocket option or very little option if at all emotionally -- then get the hell out of there!

[smackie9]

You are just her cuddle bich. Don't get let your feelings suck you in.

 

The more you let her control the situation the more likely you will get burned.

[fred123]

have u slept with her?

[mightycpa]

She's PERFECT! Not too clingy, doesn't demand your constant attention AND interested enough to keep you around.

 

If you take nothing else away from what I say here, read this over and over until you understand it: NOT EVERYBODY WILL FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU. THIS IS GOOD NEWS.

 

So, what you have here is a casual girlfriend! Good for you! As you can see, she holds the POWER OF LEAST INTEREST over you. That's ok, because I have the three-step cure for what ails you:

 

1) CONTINUE TO DATE THIS GEM

2) GO GET YOURSELF ANOTHER ONE

3) REPEAT STEP 2 UNTIL YOU'VE REACHED YOUR PERSONAL LIMIT

 

Keep doing this, rotating new for old until you get comfortable with one that really likes you, and that you really like. You'll know when it happens.

 

Happy Hunting!

[ja123]

Should I just give it time?

 

 

 

No.

 

 

If you want something serious and not have your heart broken and your time wasted, then you should end it and go NC.

 

 

Get out of the confusion of "pretending" to be a couple.

[Priv]

Okay, a couple weeks -- taking it slow on the physical side (if you're 21+ years old) -- starting to date, okay...

 

 

 

Okay, News Flash: You ARE MORE THAN FRIENDS ALREADY. Periodically kiss? You're more than friends. If you're just one step above non-platonic, you're more than friends.

 

She basically wants to be "just dating" at the most, and that's it. There are 3 Phases to everything:

 

1) Pre-Dating phase (the first couple weeks or so) -- where going out isn't a given. You more or less are still in the asking to go out. There is no routine, no assumptions, etc. One or the other could end up starting see someone else and be pretty unavailable at any time. This is where one's trying to "win over" the other, if that exists (but not required, of course).

 

2) Dating phase -- you're not truly gf/bf. You're not in a "relationship", but you will be, regardless of labels if this continues for a good while. This is where it Is Routine that you'll see each other again. Like, if a friend calls you up and asks what you're doing this weekend, you'd say "Well, me and Sally are probably going to be hanging out somewhere, maybe at X or Z downtown, on Fri or Sat night. Why, what's up?" You don't have to ask the girl out -- that's in the past. You two are just rolling together as it's become routine. You're not Meshing Lives or anything, but you'd have to go out of your way NOT to see each other at all that week, as opposed to the Pre-Dating Phase, where you have to at least step forward To see each other.

 

3) Relationship -- to one degree or another, you are gf/bf. It doesn't mean it's Serious (that's the upper level) -- it just means you've been truly Dating for a while where you spend a lot of time together. You are Meshing Lives at this point -- spending a lot of time, not just going out, but sleeping over, there's a few things of hers at your place and vice versa... there's no asking to 'crash' at each other's place.

 

 

 

Fair warning: She is talking to other guys. She's not going to tell you. What she MEANS is: "I'm not SEEING any other guys right now".

 

 

 

That's an exaggeration, but there's truth to it -- just exemplified by You. She likes you, but she's not ga-ga about you. Just roll with it if it's been two weeks, don't bring up anything.

 

I will say though, if you see the girl A LOT during, say, 3 weeks, you can still say that you'd like each other not to scout/chase/date date anyone else. BUT also -- you're not aiming to be BF/GF -- you just don't like complications, and hey, you really like her but want to keep things casual for a while and not rush into things (see? you're promoting the same thing she is).

 

The problem is, sometimes it's not the fear of Relationships. It's the fear of losing one's options to get a guy's #. To make out with a guy playing wing-girl for a friend. To feel at a "loss", knowing that if a real cute guy walks in the room, they can't have them. People don't like not being able to have something. Big difference between fear of Relationships and that.

 

So is she stringing you along? Using you as a guy-shes-hanging-out-with and that's it? Maybe. I'm not there.

 

But what you can do is Not come across as clingy or you like her tons and are aiming for a relationship. Again, after a little while longer, when you're around the 1 month mark, say you're not aiming to be BF/GF -- you like to go with the flow, but at this point, you do like her, and you don't want each other to have outside 'distractions' -- so no scouting/chasing/dating other people? Again, not seriousness. But again, up until that point, have NO PRESSURE by words or attitude that you're wanting her "to be yours".

 

If she backs away from that offer after 4 weeks -- yeah, she's using you as a "temp job" until she finds someone 'better'.

 

If she ONLY had issues with things 'serious' or Relationships -- then she wouldn't mind merely "seeing someone" and turning off scouting/chasing/dating others after about a month.

 

Lol man. This whole post read like 'the Matrix'. But I decided to do a 12 pack of heineken instead of a 6 pack (explained in another post) so that might have something to do with it. Anyway. Liking your post!

[mightycpa]

i've started hanging out with this girl a couple weeks ago

and

she likes what we are now and asked me if we can just stay what we are now

 

She sounds like a keeper to me. You just keep on

 

hug, kiss, hold hands etc... even got intimate a little bit

 

and you'll be fine. Also, this?

 

I can talk to other girls if I want

 

If you do that, it will temper your feelings for her, and you won't get sucked in too fast.

 

Find a couple more just like her, and have fun.

[09301991]

I haven't. Everything sexual that we've done has all neen oral

[Diezel]

She's PERFECT! Not too clingy, doesn't demand your constant attention AND interested enough to keep you around.

 

If you take nothing else away from what I say here, read this over and over until you understand it: NOT EVERYBODY WILL FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU. THIS IS GOOD NEWS.

 

So, what you have here is a casual girlfriend! Good for you! As you can see, she holds the POWER OF LEAST INTEREST over you. That's ok, because I have the three-step cure for what ails you:

 

1) CONTINUE TO DATE THIS GEM

2) GO GET YOURSELF ANOTHER ONE

3) REPEAT STEP 2 UNTIL YOU'VE REACHED YOUR PERSONAL LIMIT

 

Keep doing this, rotating new for old until you get comfortable with one that really likes you, and that you really like. You'll know when it happens.

 

Happy Hunting!

 

This, a million times this.

 

This is what the OP needs to be doing, but I doubt he will.