Why Victims Stay

[Quiet Storm]

The coverage on the Ray Rice domestic violence incident has a lot of people saying "Why did she marry him?"

 

People assume for her it was about money, but they met in high school, before he ever got rich. Many people feel that those who stay with an abuser are stupid, brainwashed, weak, etc.

 

There are many reasons people stay, and while they may seem stupid to those on the outside, their reasons are very real & valid to those living it. This post isn't about Janay & Ray Rice, it's about all the victims facing abuse in their lives.

 

Sometimes, it's safer to stay with their abuser. People avoid this harsh truth when they tell people to get out, go to a shelter, etc. We say leave, take the kids and get a restraining order. This would be a great plan if abusers cared about restraining orders or law enforcement could provide victims with an around the clock security team. In many cases, a restraining order will prompt more violence, and when the cops do show up, it may be too late. Most homicides by significant others happen when the victim tries to leave. These abusers are people that have no control over their emotions, but we expect them to calmly honor a restraining order? We expect women to rely on police to protect them when it only takes a split second to throw a punch or fire a round? The police could just as easily arrive 5 minutes later to a crime scene, instead of a restraining order violation.

 

There is a story every day about domestic murder-suicides, where entire families are wiped out by one abuser. Just in my area, I can think of multiple cases over the years where spouses killed children to get back at the parent that left. Mothers fear leaving because getting killed and leaving their kids without a mother is a possibility. This is not a delusion, it is a valid concern when dealing with an abuser. They just don't know what they are going to do.

 

So while it's not smart to stay with an abuser, it's not always smart to leave either. An abused woman doesn't know how far he will go. Is he one that will kill her and leave the kids motherless? Is he one that will shoot the whole family in their sleep before killing himself? Is he one that thinks the best revenge is killing the kids she loves more than anything?

 

There is no way to know those things before she leaves. There is no way victims can ensure that law enforcement, or shelter staff, or family members will protect them.

 

The decision to stay isn't because she's stupid. It's because she has valid fears. Fears that could very well be her reality. When she's thinking about taking that step to leave, she weighs the risks. And for some women in extreme circumstances, the less risky option is to stay, take the abuse and try to buffer the children from him. Even just knowing that he would get the kids alone for visitation is enough for some women to stay, because they don't trust him with the kids, and they don't trust that the courts will protect their kids from him. At least if they are there, they can shield their kids from some of it.

 

There is a heartbreaking twitter where people in these circumstances are sharing their reasons for staying. #whyistayed

 

It's eye opening. These women aren't stupid or asking for abuse. They feel trapped in their circumstances, and are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Stay and get hit & yelled at sometimes? Or leave and possibly die or lose my children?

 

Many women do have a much better life after they choose to leave an abuser, but there is no way for them to know if they will be better off, or if he will make their lives a living hell. There is no way to ensure the justice system will work and put him in jail.

 

My advice to an abuse victim on loveshack would be to leave, go to a shelter, get counseling and do anything to get away. But the truth is, I don't know their abuser. I don't know how law enforcement would respond. I don't know that justice will be served and that the victim will prevail. My advice would be good, providing that the abuser follows the law and the system works. If it doesn't? The victims pay the price. That doubt, that fear and that cost/benefit analysis of staying vs. leaving, is what many victims feel every day.

 

So to those reading that face domestic abuse, I really feel for you. Although I wish you all the courage and strength to leave, I understand why some of you feel you must stay. I won't judge you, or call you stupid or weak.

 

(((hugs))

Edited September 10, 2014 by Quiet Storm

[preraph]

Great post. It's true that many women who attracted an abuser will continue to attract and let in abusers if she doesn't get counseling and begin to work on herself. That's not to say it's her fault, only that something made her either tolerant or visibly weak. Anyone who has a women's shelter nearby can start there because they can advise you on how to prepare to leave. There are many steps even to get a restraining order, and getting one isn't always the best thing, although it is the only thing that will usually then enable the police to arrest them when they break it, so it can be worth the risk. A trained shelter may have someone who can help make that assessment.

 

It's hard to leave when you've been made to isolate yourself, may not be working or allowed to have friends or stay in touch well with family. It definitely takes a plan to leave and it's best to have some family and friends onboard to help hide you when you do. Children complicate everything and tie you to an abusive man for life, so I would first urge anyone who knows they're in an abusive relationship to forget any notion that a child will improve things, because it won't and will only make things more stressful and create yet another victim. If you don't have kids, at least you can get away without legally having to keep having contact. So if you do nothing else for yourself in an abuse situation, find a way to be on birth control, secretly if that's what you have to do.

[M30USA]

OP, your post is very insightful and well thought-out. As a man, I experienced many of the same fears that you listed. I especially felt bad about what would happen if the courts granted primary custody of my kids to their emotionally unstable and BPD mom. Turns out this did happen. Courts don't consider personality disorders and all the wiles that go along with it when they rule custody.

 

Whenever people look astonishingly at abuse victims and wonder what is "wrong" with them for not seeing the light, they fail to realize life isn't a simple theory. So many factors play in.

[somedude81]

I've been thinking about this question a lot, and especially even more due to some recent situations on LS.

 

Sometimes, it's safer to stay with their abuser.

 

Sorry, but I completely disagree.

 

It is never safer to stay with the abuser.

 

If a man killed his wife after she left him, he most likely would have still killed her if she stayed.

 

The only way to get the abuse to stop is to leave the abuser. It will not stop on it's own.

 

My maternal grandfather was very abusive to my grandmother and my mother when she was a child. My grandfather regularly beat my grandmother for around 30 years of marriage. When her youngest daughter graduated high school, my grandmother finally left my grandfather and took her daughter with her. Finally the beatings stopped.

 

The most important thing a woman needs to do is immediately leave a man as soon as he is showing signs of being physically, or emotionally abusive. She must not stick around and become more attached to him. Absolutely do not marry an abusive man. Things will not become better over time.

 

BTW, my parents got a divorce because my dad hit my mom. It only happened one time, but because of what my mom went through with her father, she would absolutely not tolerate being abused by her husband.

Edited September 14, 2014 by somedude81

[Tayla]

Yes, I am not one to keep up with current events or even media blitz's.

 

After reading of the story and listening to this "victim", I sit on the fence for her motives in defending him or even tolerating this behavior. How quickly her "shame" in the incident and wanting to hide behind closed doors is placed first and foremost. Basically she is dodging the real issue.

 

An adult would not allow "fear" to hold them hostage. they would persevere in spite of it and seek proper help. At some point its imperative for her to step up , step out and move on. When the "victim" defends the Assailant all bets are off and she or he are in deep denial. She is just as sick ( meant in a civil way), as he is to allow this to be swept away ...She is doing what most victims of abuse do...Justify and stand by her man....Augh!

this Distorted thinking needs adjusted....

Thank you OP for your objective and clear thinking perspective

[gaius]

Often the situation is a lot more complicated and a lot less black and white than people are willing to admit. My mother goes around talking about what an abuse victim she is. My step-father only hit her once but I swear to god often times the minute he would step into the house she would start needling him with issues she knew would get him upset and angry. It was really odd seeing her complaining one second about how she didn't like that his temper and their fights would upset the kids and then starting a fight deliberately 5 minutes later when he got home. If she was a better woman and a more loving person she would have taken the position Rice's wife is instead of being dishonest to fit in with what everyone expects you to say when you're a woman in that situation.

 

In situations like that it's not always mental illness or an abused mentality that may lead to a woman defending the husband or staying with him. It's just being in touch with the reality that the dynamic that leads to her getting hit involves them both. At least with Ray Rice we have no idea what was said or what happened between them that night before the incident that was caught on tape. So it's incredibly disrespectful, and maybe even downright abusive to just claim she's ill, not in a right frame of mind or the total victim because of what she said.

Edited September 14, 2014 by gaius

[good2know]

The only way to get the abuse to stop is to leave the abuser. It will not stop on it's own.

 

That is definitely true. I read only 3% of abusers can actually be rehabilitated....

 

The reason most victims don't leave is they feel they have no place to go. I did try to help a friend leave an abuser once, but all the shelters in her area (a large city) were full, and remained full for a long time.

[Tayla]

Often the situation is a lot more complicated and . At least with Ray Rice we have no idea what was said or what happened between them that night before the incident that was caught on tape. So it's incredibly disrespectful, and maybe even downright abusive to just claim she's ill, not in a right frame of mind or the total victim because of what she said.

 

In what way is it disrespectfull? Please share as stating such is one thing, yet follow thru with How it follows the level of disrespect? Based solely on what I read in the entire commentary, it seems that you are giving him the benefit of the doubt. There is NO doubt he struck her. Actions spoke louder then her words, so , share how you conclude that the average person is disrespectfull for alluding that she may well be a victim or not in the right frame of mind. I think its disrespectful to side with the abuser as if he is justified based on what the conversation contained.

Any Doctor or person who observes a person who is of Ill mind is not being disrespectfull , they are making a objective summation based on behavior and facts.

 

Being open minded is one thing and to come to a fair accessment takes further details. Feel free to elaborate.

[M30USA]

Another reason that victims stay is because they know that, in the event of a divorce with children, the abuser will absolutely rape them financially and emotionally during the divorce process. Abusers fare better in court than victims because they know how to manipulate.

[Quiet Storm]

Another reason that victims stay is because they know that, in the event of a divorce with children, the abuser will absolutely rape them financially and emotionally during the divorce process. Abusers fare better in court than victims because they know how to manipulate.

 

 

Yes, especially personality disordered abusers. My sister has BPD, so I have read a lot on personality disorders, and also read the forums for their victims/spouses/family members. There is this idea that all the person has to do is leave, and their problems will be solved. It's just not that simple. These people do not just "give up" because the victim leaves them.

 

People do not understand the depths these people will go to get revenge, and they are so experienced in pretending to be "normal", that they fool doctors, judges, cops, teachers, etc. I have seen my sister fool so many doctors. Personality disordered does not mean they are stupid. They can be very sneaky, manipulative and smart.

 

It is often a choice between leaving and facing the wrath of the abuser's revenge, or staying and at least having some control over the situation. The idea that courts will give unsupervised and regular visitation to a sociopath or abuser is a very real fear for victims. Many women end up tolerating abuse just so they can be a buffer between the abuser and the kids. They do not want to lose that control over their kids, and divorce means that they have to send their kids into the abusers home, without her there to protect them. I don't think I could do that. I mean people say they will take a bullet for their kid, jump in front of a moving car to save their kid, walk through fire for their kids... so tolerating abuse and disrespect is not hard to understand when you actually put yourself in their shoes.

 

It's a very sad situation, but I think it happens much more than we think. There are resources and help available for victims, but it's just that many abusers are so ruthless and unpredictable, that there is no guarantee of safety.

[amaysngrace]

Leaving an abuser is probably less damaging for the children than staying with one.

 

Sure the abuser may hurt the kids but there's a much better chance of them being able to hurt them when they see them every day and have access to them every day.

 

People find all kinds of reasons for why they should stay and most of those are based in fear. So instead of facing their fear and moving through it they remain frozen.

 

They remain a victim because they're afraid of the unknown.

[gaius]

In what way is it disrespectfull? Please share as stating such is one thing, yet follow thru with How it follows the level of disrespect? Based solely on what I read in the entire commentary, it seems that you are giving him the benefit of the doubt. There is NO doubt he struck her. Actions spoke louder then her words, so , share how you conclude that the average person is disrespectfull for alluding that she may well be a victim or not in the right frame of mind. I think its disrespectful to side with the abuser as if he is justified based on what the conversation contained.

Any Doctor or person who observes a person who is of Ill mind is not being disrespectfull , they are making a objective summation based on behavior and facts.

 

Being open minded is one thing and to come to a fair accessment takes further details. Feel free to elaborate.

It's not really about giving him the benefit of the doubt or siding with him, it's about giving her the benefit of the doubt. We don't know what was said that night, we don't know what happened other than that short video clip, we don't know how their relationship is normally. There's no evidence of any of that. She said she contributed to the fight that night, that they both made mistakes and part of the video tape confirms that. There's nothing that says otherwise. She certainly doesn't seem afraid like he's going to hit her. So how would any doctor in their right mind start assuming he's a regular wife beater and she's too retarded and sick to leave him based on that?

 

It's kind of hateful to both men and women. =/ To assume a guy can't make one mistake. That he's automatically a real evil guy that beats her all the time just because he feels like it. And a woman is mentally ill if she feels any empathy toward someone who makes a mistake and decides to stay with him.

[M30USA]

Leaving an abuser is probably less damaging for the children than staying with one.

 

Sure the abuser may hurt the kids but there's a much better chance of them being able to hurt them when they see them every day and have access to them every day.

 

People find all kinds of reasons for why they should stay and most of those are based in fear. So instead of facing their fear and moving through it they remain frozen.

 

They remain a victim because they're afraid of the unknown.

 

What would you say about a MAN who leaves a physically abusuve wife (who got arrested for assaulting husband) but she gets primary custody? In this case, do you believe the man is harming his children by leaving them with the mother? (Assume he fought in court and wanted primary custody but the courts didnt give it to him.)

[thekid36]

The coverage on the Ray Rice domestic violence incident has a lot of people saying "Why did she marry him?"

 

People assume for her it was about money, but they met in high school, before he ever got rich. Many people feel that those who stay with an abuser are stupid, brainwashed, weak, etc.

 

There are many reasons people stay, and while they may seem stupid to those on the outside, their reasons are very real & valid to those living it. This post isn't about Janay & Ray Rice, it's about all the victims facing abuse in their lives.

 

Sometimes, it's safer to stay with their abuser. People avoid this harsh truth when they tell people to get out, go to a shelter, etc. We say leave, take the kids and get a restraining order. This would be a great plan if abusers cared about restraining orders or law enforcement could provide victims with an around the clock security team. In many cases, a restraining order will prompt more violence, and when the cops do show up, it may be too late. Most homicides by significant others happen when the victim tries to leave. These abusers are people that have no control over their emotions, but we expect them to calmly honor a restraining order? We expect women to rely on police to protect them when it only takes a split second to throw a punch or fire a round? The police could just as easily arrive 5 minutes later to a crime scene, instead of a restraining order violation.

 

There is a story every day about domestic murder-suicides, where entire families are wiped out by one abuser. Just in my area, I can think of multiple cases over the years where spouses killed children to get back at the parent that left. Mothers fear leaving because getting killed and leaving their kids without a mother is a possibility. This is not a delusion, it is a valid concern when dealing with an abuser. They just don't know what they are going to do.

 

So while it's not smart to stay with an abuser, it's not always smart to leave either. An abused woman doesn't know how far he will go. Is he one that will kill her and leave the kids motherless? Is he one that will shoot the whole family in their sleep before killing himself? Is he one that thinks the best revenge is killing the kids she loves more than anything?

 

There is no way to know those things before she leaves. There is no way victims can ensure that law enforcement, or shelter staff, or family members will protect them.

 

The decision to stay isn't because she's stupid. It's because she has valid fears. Fears that could very well be her reality. When she's thinking about taking that step to leave, she weighs the risks. And for some women in extreme circumstances, the less risky option is to stay, take the abuse and try to buffer the children from him. Even just knowing that he would get the kids alone for visitation is enough for some women to stay, because they don't trust him with the kids, and they don't trust that the courts will protect their kids from him. At least if they are there, they can shield their kids from some of it.

 

There is a heartbreaking twitter where people in these circumstances are sharing their reasons for staying. #whyistayed

 

It's eye opening. These women aren't stupid or asking for abuse. They feel trapped in their circumstances, and are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Stay and get hit & yelled at sometimes? Or leave and possibly die or lose my children?

 

Many women do have a much better life after they choose to leave an abuser, but there is no way for them to know if they will be better off, or if he will make their lives a living hell. There is no way to ensure the justice system will work and put him in jail.

 

My advice to an abuse victim on loveshack would be to leave, go to a shelter, get counseling and do anything to get away. But the truth is, I don't know their abuser. I don't know how law enforcement would respond. I don't know that justice will be served and that the victim will prevail. My advice would be good, providing that the abuser follows the law and the system works. If it doesn't? The victims pay the price. That doubt, that fear and that cost/benefit analysis of staying vs. leaving, is what many victims feel every day.

 

So to those reading that face domestic abuse, I really feel for you. Although I wish you all the courage and strength to leave, I understand why some of you feel you must stay. I won't judge you, or call you stupid or weak.

 

(((hugs))

 

 

Many stay with abusers because of simply being afraid. There are those who are afraid of change. Even though you may be abused, there is still a roof over your head. Hard to know what else is out there when you are not aware of anything else. Gas-lighting is also an issue in relation to this. So, the victim feels as if it is his/her fault. That if anyone should leave, it'd be there significant other. Many think that they do not deserve anything else. Comes from living in negativity for so long. Makes you start to deny realities which others can so easily see.

[amaysngrace]

What would you say about a MAN who leaves a physically abusuve wife (who got arrested for assaulting husband) but she gets primary custody? In this case, do you believe the man is harming his children by leaving them with the mother? (Assume he fought in court and wanted primary custody but the courts didnt give it to him.)

 

Did you take your children with you when you left? If not your whole complaint is invalid.

[Quiet Storm]

Leaving an abuser is probably less damaging for the children than staying with one.

 

Sure the abuser may hurt the kids but there's a much better chance of them being able to hurt them when they see them every day and have access to them every day.

 

People find all kinds of reasons for why they should stay and most of those are based in fear. So instead of facing their fear and moving through it they remain frozen.

 

They remain a victim because they're afraid of the unknown.

 

 

It is a fear of the unknown.

 

Would this have happened if she stayed?

Richard Candland kills wife and shoots daughter before turning gun on himself in grisly murder-suicide | Mail Online

 

If a guy like this can get custody, would you trust the justice system to protect you?

Police: South Carolina Father Killed 5 Children Violently At Home

 

This stuff just happened this week. I understand why they may feel staying is safer when these things happen daily. I commend those with the courage to leave, but sadly understand how someone can feel that they have more control, especially regarding the kids, if they stay. It's not necessarily a decision that should render someone dumb, or weak, or having low self worth, or crazy. It's just their unfortunate reality, and I won't judge because I can't imagine having to face that.

[amaysngrace]

It is a fear of the unknown.

 

Would this have happened if she stayed?

Richard Candland kills wife and shoots daughter before turning gun on himself in grisly murder-suicide | Mail Online

 

If a guy like this can get custody, would you trust the justice system to protect you?

Police: South Carolina Father Killed 5 Children Violently At Home

 

This stuff just happened this week. I understand why they may feel staying is safer when these things happen daily. I commend those with the courage to leave, but sadly understand how someone can feel that they have more control, especially regarding the kids, if they stay. It's not necessarily a decision that should render someone dumb, or weak, or having low self worth, or crazy. It's just their unfortunate reality, and I won't judge because I can't imagine having to face that.

 

For the man who killed his five children, the ex-con discharged navy guy turned engineer, I cannot imagine what the mother was like to have custody awarded to him. The article doesn't touch on that.

 

If she was a better mom she'd have gotten those children the very first time child protective services showed up at that house. Actually she'd have had custody all along.

 

There are always examples of ones who get killed but there's success stories as well from women or men who decided to get out.

 

How could any reasonable person believe that raising a child in those types of environments is better than breaking the cycle of abuse under any circumstances? It boggles my mind.

[M30USA]

Did you take your children with you when you left? If not your whole complaint is invalid.

 

I didn't leave. I stayed in my house with kids when ex got arrested. Then she filed for divorce and got primary. The main reason was because I literally have zero family support within 2000 miles and she has tons. Also she was SAHM for 4 years which pretty much established her as primary in eyes of judge.

[amaysngrace]

I didn't leave. I stayed in my house with kids when ex got arrested. Then she filed for divorce and got primary. The main reason was because I literally have zero family support within 2000 miles and she has tons. Also she was SAHM for 4 years which pretty much established her as primary in eyes of judge.

 

What would you say about a MAN who leaves a physically abusuve wife (who got arrested for assaulting husband) but she gets primary custody? In this case, do you believe the man is harming his children by leaving them with the mother? (Assume he fought in court and wanted primary custody but the courts didnt give it to him.)

 

I'm really not following what you're saying. I'm glad you got out of that marriage safely though, regardless of what happened.

[M30USA]

I'm really not following what you're saying. I'm glad you got out of that marriage safely though, regardless of what happened.

 

Thank you. I guess things just have to happen exactly as they happen. This life is merely a showcase and testimony for what is in our soul. It can only become evident by being challenged and opposed. The evil people, just like the good people, must continue to do as they do. God bless.

[Quiet Storm]

For the man who killed his five children, the ex-con discharged navy guy turned engineer, I cannot imagine what the mother was like to have custody awarded to him. The article doesn't touch on that.

 

If she was a better mom she'd have gotten those children the very first time child protective services showed up at that house. Actually she'd have had custody all along.

 

There are always examples of ones who get killed but there's success stories as well from women or men who decided to get out.

 

How could any reasonable person believe that raising a child in those types of environments is better than breaking the cycle of abuse under any circumstances? It boggles my mind.

 

In a perfect world the better parent would get custody, but it's not a perfect world. Abusers are very manipulative and know how to work the system. They often make false allegations against the better parent. "The System" is overworked and understaffed, and often the true circumstances aren't known. In a "he said, she said" situation, the system has no way of knowing what the real truth is, and rarely have the resources to investigate. "The system" grants custody to abusers. They place foster children in homes with abusers. The intent is to protect the children, but abusers are good at hiding their true nature.

 

I don't think anyone feels that raising a child in an abusive environment is a good thing, but I think it comes down to a lesser of two evils scenario. The victim doesn't want to be the mom whose children are dead thinking "I should've stayed, at least they'd be alive". If the man has threatened to kill her if she leaves, or says things like "you'll never see your kids again", and he has done horrible things in the past, I don't think its unreasonable to be afraid to leave. Women have the highest risk of homicide when they leave the abuser. This is a real threat, not some unreasonable exaggeration. You see it as "Leave the abuser and their lives will improve and they will be safe & happy" vs. "Stay and be abused and raise kids dysfunctional situation". But these women see "Leave and I could be killed, or never see my kids again". They'd rather help their kids cope and heal in therapy, than leave them motherless or have to bury them.

 

I would never advise a woman to stay with an abuser, but I don't think staying makes someone stupid or weak. If you are in that situation and your life or your children's lives are threatened "if you leave", and the abuser is impulsive, vindictive and has no respect for the law, it is a reasonable fear. Leaving probably feels like jumping off a cliff to them. In order to successfully escape, they have to rely on the court system, the law, the abusers compliance with the law, support from family/friends, etc. If anything goes wrong, the consequences can be tragic or even deadly.

 

Up until recently, I did feel that all women should leave, regardless of individual circumstances. I also believed that women who stayed were emotionally weak and had low self worth. But reading the real stories and thinking about it changed my views. There are intelligent, successful, strong women/ mothers in these situations and I really felt bad for judging them. They are very aware of their environment, they educate themselves on the risks of staying vs. leaving, and navigate the danger in their lives the best they can, with the best interests of their children at heart. They are not all dumb, timid women cowering in a corner. Many are very informed, and have educated themselves on the statistics, the law & its limitations, the psychology of an abuser, the impact on the children, etc.

[amaysngrace]

Quiet Storm, with all due respect, I was that woman. It took plenty of planning after much counseling but one day my exH went to work and upon returning we were gone.

 

He made one threat on my phone to get the children from school and I filed a restraining order on him immediately. It was easily granted because he called me nearly 20 times in as many minutes while I was filling out the paperwork.

 

If a woman wants to leave she plans her escape. Pictures help. Voice recorders help. Written documentation of dates and incidents helps.

 

If I was so busy looking up statistics and writing my "story" I would not have had much free time to plan my escape.

 

Enabling a victim mentality helps no one.

Edited September 17, 2014 by amaysngrace

[Quiet Storm]

Quiet Storm, with all due respect, I was that woman. It took plenty of planning after much counseling but one day my exH went to work and upon returning we were gone.

 

He made one threat on my phone to get the children from school and I filed a restraining order on him immediately. It was easily granted because he called me nearly 20 times in as many minutes while I was filling out the paperwork.

 

If a woman wants to leave she plans her escape. Pictures help. Voice recorders help. Written documentation of dates and incidents helps.

 

If I was so busy looking up statistics and writing my "story" I would not have had much free time to plan my escape.

 

Enabling helps no one.

 

 

I'm sorry you went through that and glad you were able to escape unharmed. Your story had a very positive outcome and the system worked for you. Unfortunately, it doesn't work for everyone and this has been proven time & time again. You took the risk and it paid off, but what if it had not? Your story is inspiring, but other stories are discouraging or downright scary. I don't think its enabling to empathize and deciding not to judge them. I would always advise a person to leave the situation. I'm just saying there are many factors to why they stay than just weakness, low self esteem, mental illness, etc.

[amaysngrace]

I'm sorry you went through that and glad you were able to escape unharmed. Your story had a very positive outcome and the system worked for you. Unfortunately, it doesn't work for everyone and this has been proven time & time again. You took the risk and it paid off, but what if it had not? Your story is inspiring, but other stories are discouraging or downright scary. I don't think its enabling to empathize and deciding not to judge them. I would always advise a person to leave the situation. I'm just saying there are many factors to why they stay than just weakness, low self esteem, mental illness, etc.

 

At some point you take that risk though. Or should.

 

If you know what you have and it's terrible then maybe what you don't know will be better, especially if what you have is really really rotten. And so you make your move.

 

I can't explain what prompted me to get out but I can tell you it took roughy five months to plan for that day and that's not counting all the counseling that got me strong enough to believe in myself enough to leave.

 

I guess it was my big sister who pleaded with me on her death bed to please get my children out of that environment. She believed in me and that empowered me.

 

Things may not have turned out the same had she seen it differently. She didn't judge either, that was understood, but she did cheer me on and that was exactly what I needed at the time.

 

And the only statistics I needed to see was what becomes of children who are raised in an abusive home. Those are the scariest statistics of all.

 

I didn't stay for my kids...I left for them.

[gaius]

I was wondering when the Baltimore Orioles were going to make an appearance in this thread.

 

Should Adrian Peterson's kid disown him when he hits 18 now since Peterson hit him once? Is he suffering from a victim mentality if he doesn't?