Why Victims Stay

[Quiet Storm]

amaysngrace, I'm so glad you had the courage to leave. Did he just move on after you left? Did you have to share custody with him?

[amaysngrace]

amaysngrace, I'm so glad you had the courage to leave. Did he just move on after you left? Did you have to share custody with him?

 

Thank you for saying that. At first he was angry, shocked really, because he never thought I'd leave. He was very controlling. So initially he was mad because I took every bit of it away. He didn't even know where we were staying.

 

Then he tried to get us back and promised he'd change but I'd heard that many times before. He never changed. That's why it was critical that I did.

 

He went suicidal for a bit (another mind game) and was put into a facility by his dad for a week. Within a few weeks after leaving the place he met someone and she moved him in. They were married not even one year from the day the kids and I left.

 

I asked for full custody when he asked me not to demand alimony. We agreed. But in my state you cannot get alimony unless you are married ten years. We weren't. Alimony was never even on the table until he put it there and I pounced on it to get full custody.

 

I needed to have full custody. Trying to work it out with someone so controlling would not have worked well. I know that. That's why it's a good thing that I had heaps of evidence to show a judge what kind of person he is. Pictures of anything he broke, any injuries to me, the cruel way that he spoke to our children on voice recordings, and documenting everything every time he acted in a way that would make him look bad before a judge. I couldn't leave it up to memory alone so I'm glad I wrote it all down.

 

Planning to leave is so important to make sure that the risk of danger is minimal. That's why it took me months to plan it.

 

Waking up away from him with my children right beside me the day after we left was one of the best days of my life. Until he threatened to get the kids from school and I had to go make sure that wasn't happening by getting that restraining order.

 

But waking up that morning filled me with so much calm and optimism and peacefulness that it's a feeling I'll remember always.

 

I turned the page on a really bad chapter of my life.

[Justaguy30]

I stayed because I loved her more than anything in the world and just wanted her to get her **** together and A. stop throwing fits screaming at me and being violent and B. Get her sexual problems under control. I just believe in the good part of her enough to think that she could change as she said she wanted to. For me I was very strong in the begging of us having issues but as it goes on it just wears you down to where you feel weak and then you sort of can't leave them. Hard to explain. In any event it takes two to tango. I think a lot of it comes down to not knowing any better. It wears you down because you care so much and are trying everything you can think of to fix the situations. You wind up sort of a deer in the headlights never thinking about the fact that the person who is abusing you really doesn't give a **** which is why they are doing it and they are hurting you because they want to. The cops came to my house 10 plus times because the neighbors called because she was screaming at the top of her lungs at me and breaking things in the house and at any point I could have had her arrested but I didn't because at that point you are trying to fix things and putting that person in jail isn't going to make it better. In any event I wish I had just told them to take her away.

Edited October 6, 2014 by Justaguy30

[angie2443]

Leaving an abuser is probably less damaging for the children than staying with one.

 

Sure the abuser may hurt the kids but there's a much better chance of them being able to hurt them when they see them every day and have access to them every day.

 

People find all kinds of reasons for why they should stay and most of those are based in fear. So instead of facing their fear and moving through it they remain frozen.

 

They remain a victim because they're afraid of the unknown.

 

You make the assumption that the woman can just leave, get divorced and get full custody of the children or at least have the abusive person see less of the children. This is soooo wrong! Sometimes they can get full custody. Many times, divorcing means that the abusive parent has complete access to the children (when they get custody) and the mother has no way to protect her kids when he has them alone. I've known of more than one convicted men (one convicted for molesting a 11 year old girl) who have won part time custody of their children. Police and judges do not always think of the safety of the children first, and they don't always believe the woman. It's often a he said, she said case. I'm not saying that a woman should stay with an abusive man. I'm sure some here will twist this around and think that.

 

I'm always amazed and disgusted at the ignorance that surrounds the issues of abuse:(

[angie2443]

Quiet Storm, with all due respect, I was that woman. It took plenty of planning after much counseling but one day my exH went to work and upon returning we were gone.

 

He made one threat on my phone to get the children from school and I filed a restraining order on him immediately. It was easily granted because he called me nearly 20 times in as many minutes while I was filling out the paperwork.

 

If a woman wants to leave she plans her escape. Pictures help. Voice recorders help. Written documentation of dates and incidents helps.

 

If I was so busy looking up statistics and writing my "story" I would not have had much free time to plan my escape.

 

Enabling a victim mentality helps no one.

 

Please do not assume that every situation works out as well as yours did in the end. Many women die when they make the escape attempt or shortly after they left. Also, many abusers know not to be too obvious. They can use tactics that leave little or no evidence. These cases are much harder to press in court when trying to gain full custody and get protection from the abuser.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

I think some victims stay because they love the abuser or are fearful that if they do leave then they will be threatened or have their lives ruined.

[spiderowl]

I'd really like to know why women without children stay in a seriously abusive relationship (regular injuries that need treatment in hospital) and why they are portraying things to others as if there is nothing wrong. Is this denial? If someone has been in that situation, how were you thinking? Why did you pretend you were fine? How could a friend have helped at that point when you seem to be choosing to stay involved with the guy?

[M30USA]

I'd really like to know why women without children stay in a seriously abusive relationship (regular injuries that need treatment in hospital) and why they are portraying things to others as if there is nothing wrong. Is this denial? If someone has been in that situation, how were you thinking? Why did you pretend you were fine? How could a friend have helped at that point when you seem to be choosing to stay involved with the guy?

 

I'm a guy and I had to lie to my coworkers and boss when they asked me why I had a cut on my neck from when ex-wife clawed me to the point of drawing blood.

[spiderowl]

Sorry to hear it. I know someone who seems to be pretending everything is fine and happy at home, yet is regularly injured somehow. She seems cut off from reality. Is this the usual mental state that abuse victims get into?

[Tabitha87]

Sorry to hear it. I know someone who seems to be pretending everything is fine and happy at home, yet is regularly injured somehow. She seems cut off from reality. Is this the usual mental state that abuse victims get into?

 

I would have to agree. When I was at work, there was a guy who'd always have thesame break times as I did. While there was no physical evidence he could see (bruises, cuts etc.), he knew that something wasn't right. He always told me that I looked sad, like I lost my best friend and that I never seemed "with it" when I was alone having my smoke.

 

He was right. I would be on my breaks always thinking about the sh*t storms I'd have to deal with later, after my shift. If I didn't work enough, I was "useless". If I worked too much I was a "bad" parent for not always being around my kids. The list of things I did "wrong" seemed a mile long, while the things I did "right" was VERY short. It plays on your self esteem and then you start constantly questioning yourself & your overall worth.

 

I've since broken up with the guy, however he's still living with me while he looks for and finds a place, so I'm not completely out of the clear yet, but I'm getting there. I know that I probably shouldn't even have let him stay, but I was trying to amicable since we have kids together & I will have to deal with him for the rest of my life. I figured if I gave him ample time to find a place, he'd be more willing to be nice about the situation etc.

 

I have friends living with me as well (which he HATES), but I believe that it's what saved me from anything escalating from bad to worse. Who knows how it would've all played out if my friends weren't here, but I don't think great by any means.

[welyam]

i guess most victim stay even though they are brutally damaged inside and out, is because of love. Or the fear of being suck in a responsibility, such as if the victim has a children.

[mokabean]

I stayed for years because the thought of leaving my child with him undefended terrified me. It took 5 years of planning to get out safely and to document enough to guarantee that I could get full custody and supervised visitations. That was 13 years ago. I have never looked back. Happily remarried.

[coolheadal]

I've live like this myself, I am not fighter I will not hit a woman. I feel a woman shouldn't hit me either. But there are other factors to consider here too. The Woman your living with has her past or her family or parent treatment of her. People who stay in these type of relationship are in their comfort-zone they deal with the abuser in their own way.

 

They hope things will change but it never does. When the abuser gets so angry at them, best to leave the house. As some of the abusers will chase them down or actually start too strike them where they stand very hard blows! Or even yet throw objects at them. Mostly they hit the wall instead of you. The other abuse is verbal (name calling, the put downs an etc) you tell the abuser to stop calling you these names. They laugh at you and still continue. There is a boiling point as most will decide to get out of this abuse relationship because they can't stand any longer.

 

The abuser will never change his or her ways and that's how they are. I had two sister-in-laws that married my ex wife two brothers. Both of her brothers where very abusive towards them. They're wives decided to put up with it because of the kids they had with them. One got a tight choke hold on one wife the other one was badly beaten up. In the end one wife is still scare of her husband is on depression pills.

 

The abuser always said they're sorry for what they did to you. But how many can you accept and really you shouldn't put up with it. Most women don't have a place to turn too so that's another reason why they stay. The wife who had a choke hold put on her she got out of that marriage even with her two kids tow. The one one still with the abuser. Abuser told me that it was his mom that made him this way. There father wasn't around so much another Serial Cheater (aka player) and they were raised by their abusive mom!

Edited December 29, 2014 by coolheadal

[srah]

Another reason victims don't leave: fear of abandonment.

 

Those of us (myself included) who grew up in dysfunctional homes associate intimate relationships with abuse. It is often a subconscious association and it causes us to second-guess a) what people mean b) how we should act and c) how other people should act. It is a deeply engrained conditioning that is very hard to work through and often requires therapy and/or support groups.

 

I believe that some survivors overcome this conditioning more easily than others. Developing a sense of self-esteem completely separate from one's relationships can help--from a profession, political cause, hobby, sport, art, etc. But the important thing is to do it for yourself, not for approval from the outside world. (I made this mistake with several artistic pursuits: I sought approval outside of myself. If I could just be good enough....talented enough...)

 

Focusing on oneself and one's passion can help build a person's self-esteem enough to leave.

 

Developing strong friendships outside of one's family (if it's dysfunctional) is also important. You can never have too many friends or allies.

Edited January 14, 2015 by srah

[M30USA]

Another reason victims don't leave: fear of abandonment.

 

Those of us (myself included) who grew up in dysfunctional homes associate intimate relationships with abuse. It is often a subconscious association and it causes us to second-guess a) what people mean b) how we should act and c) how other people should act. It is a deeply engrained conditioning that is very hard to work through and often requires therapy and/or support groups.

 

I believe that some survivors overcome this conditioning more easily than others. Developing a sense of self-esteem completely separate from one's relationships can help--from a profession, political cause, hobby, sport, art, etc. But the important thing is to do it for yourself, not for approval from the outside world. (I made this mistake with several artistic pursuits: I sought approval outside of myself. If I could just be good enough....talented enough...)

 

Focusing on oneself and one's passion can help build a person's self-esteem enough to leave.

 

Developing strong friendships outside of one's family (if it's dysfunctional) is also important. You can never have too many friends or allies.

 

This is a great post. You said many true things.

[Omei]

I remember trying to leave my abuser I was very frightened years later I had been trapped in a city away from friends and family because I had agreed to move to a different city to be closer to his family once there I was trapped and the abuse came out for nearly four years (the first year was all courting and romance I thought he was perfect), I had no where else to go I was ashamed and embarrassed I didnt tell my family as I was no longer close to them after investing all my time in my long relationship (and me and my family were never that close in my teen years I was a wild child) with this man and moving away we just didnt keep in touch anymore his family didn't believe any of the abuse in fact they had some abusive tenancies towards each other verbally I had learned they were in total denial of their sons abuse, I was alone it got to a point where I wasn't allowed to leave the apartment and if I tried I would be attacked I remember many times thinking I was going to die if I yelled out windows for help I would be suffocated with pillows or knocked out, there's more but I never talk about it.

 

As years went by I got pregnant and had my daughter at this time we as a couple had moved back to the city where my family lived and I had started re building my relationship with them, over thr course of my pregnacy having my family back and a child gave me the confidence and strength to leave knowing my family would help me when I was finally ready to share my ordeal after the birth of my child, they made so many steps to get me away I remember my parents having huge arguments with his parents over the phone they were so angry at them for not helping me when I confronted his family whilst I was living there his manipulations and ability to act normal were so strong his family was in complete denile and disbelief they disliked me very much for the accusations and they must of banned him from seeing me because after my parents came into the mix he dropped off the planet, or perhaps my parents threatened him.

 

My biggest regret is that I didnt keep my family or friends close it was my first serious relationship with a man 4 years older and like a silly love sick girl I followed him and let my outside relationships fall apart by investing too much energy into just him, he prays on young girls. Last I heard he was dating a 16 year old (he must be 31 or 32 now) at the time I contacted her and warned her but she didnt take me seriously it was their first year and like my first year with him he was romantic and perfect and I was a jealous ex who knows if shes alive now, I know if I had stayed I wouldn't of been.

 

Having relationships outside your spouse is very important had I maintained mine things might of been different I may have been different I would of been stronger and not alone, having family can make you strong.

Edited January 23, 2015 by Omei

[MissLilly]

I can only speak for myself. My abuser built a whole world for us before the abuse started. Everything is so well settled... perfect home, perfect compliments, perfect love, perfect plans and dreams. I truly thought nothing would fill me up anymore in life than that. When it happened it was a shock, and you keep trying to find a way in your mind to justify all behaviors, blame YOURSELF, and you desperately try to bring back the happy memories from the beginning.

 

Not everything is the same for everybody. I invested my whole self, money, heart, and dreams, for 3 years, on somebody who seemed perfect, and was so hard to put this away. Believe me, still is! 2 years later, I still tend to think if the beating was so bad for me to leave. But I left, there's no more love, and I would never stay anyways.

Edited January 25, 2015 by MissLilly
spelling

[Omei]

I can only speak for myself. My abuser built a whole world for us before the abuse started. Everything is so well settled... perfect home, perfect compliments, perfect love, perfect plans and dreams. I truly thought nothing would fill me up anymore in life than that. When it happened it was a shock, and you keep trying to find a way in your mind to justify all behaviors, blame YOURSELF, and you desperately try to bring back the happy memories from the beginning.

 

 

Up in a nutshell man abusers are master manipulators they make you feel 100% safe then bam! it's almost as if they carefully planned it out but they don't its VERY weird.

 

Something about the atmosphere where you're moved in and settled basically seems to bring out the green light that it's now safe to abuse.

 

One thing I hate most is the concept that abused woman are stupid or suckers for bad boys and punishment and we don't learn esp if it happens again. I get this time and time again when I talk openly about abuse many don't realize that anyone can fall victim to abuse these people are professional liars and are extremely good at blending in with society.

 

So good in fact my abuser's family didn't believe that their son was ever capable of it, they thought I was a manipulative girl who was trying to put their son in a bad light, even when they saw pictures of my incident they were convinced I had hurt myself, just an idea at how good these types of people are at pretending it is scary.

Edited January 28, 2015 by Omei

[me85]

Up in a nutshell man abusers are master manipulators they make you feel 100% safe then bam! it's almost as if they carefully planned it out but they don't its VERY weird.

 

Something about the atmosphere where you're moved in and settled basically seems to bring out the green light that it's now safe to abuse.

 

My ex would abuse me then immediately comfort me after. He was my hurter then turned around to be my healer. Talk about screwed up.

[Omei]

My ex would abuse me then comfort me. He was my hurter then turned around to be my healer. Talk about screwed up.

 

 

Same with me he would turn around hold me and say he was sorry he would cry and beg for me not to leave him, make promises he would act all nice and do something special like take me out that very night. And I would be left very confused often considered it was my fault that something about me brought him to that level I would be convinced that I had to be a better gf yeah it's all very ****ed.

 

Of course now being out I would never think that of myself now I was crazy to in the first place but its all very psychological like many others have told you spend years with this person and things are totally fine and nothing ever happened till later on so how can you not consider yourself as part of the problem, there was a time in my life where I thought there was something wrong with me that changed a man, I know this now to be so untrue but you can see how one might consider that.

Edited January 28, 2015 by Omei

[me85]

Same with me he would turn around hold me and say he was sorry he would cry and beg for me not to leave him, make promises he would act all nice and do something special like take me out that very night. And I would be left very confused often considered it was my fault that something about me brought him to that level I would be convinced that I had to be a better gf yeah it's all very ****ed.

 

Of course now being out I would never think that of myself now I was crazy to in the first place but its all very psychological like many others have told you spend years with this person and things are totally fine and nothing ever happened till later on so how can you not consider yourself as part of the problem, there was a time in my life where I thought there was something wrong with me that changed a man, I know this now to be so untrue but you can see how one might consider that.

 

Yes, absolutely. My ex would break down and beg me not to leave him too. He caused me so much emotional damage. I mean, I'll just never be the same and maybe that's the point...to be better & stronger but was it worth going through? NO. Looking back, I don't know that the love was ever real or not. On his part. I loved him tremendously but maybe it was more physical between us than anything. He made it impossible to respect him because of the way he treated me and I know he never respected me because of the way he always treated me. It really sucks that he's still affecting me even though he's not a part of my life anymore. That RS scarred me for life.

[amaysngrace]

I'm currently texting back and forth with my exH's soon-to-be exW because I like her a whole lot better than I like him and I've been through divorce once before and she has not.

 

Paybacks are a bitch.

[Omei]

Yes, absolutely. My ex would break down and beg me not to leave him too. He caused me so much emotional damage. I mean, I'll just never be the same and maybe that's the point...to be better & stronger but was it worth going through? NO. Looking back, I don't know that the love was ever real or not. On his part. I loved him tremendously but maybe it was more physical between us than anything. He made it impossible to respect him because of the way he treated me and I know he never respected me because of the way he always treated me. It really sucks that he's still affecting me even though he's not a part of my life anymore. That RS scarred me for life.

 

The love was not real I can tell you that we don't abuse people we love he may of loved you in some personal sick way but it's not the kind of love we seek.

 

I will never be the same either im stronger, more aware and because of the abuse I have gotten very big on anti bulling and will go nuts if I see this happening to someone.

 

But my past abuse doesn't effect me anymore it used to, have you talked to someone about it? I didn't and I spent about an entire year obsessing on how I wish he would be hurt just as bad, at times I would even wish for his death I had so much hate in me it was outrageously taxing I would wake up and go to sleep thinking about how much I hated someone it was total hell, having that much hate and anger in you is just soooo insane! I had a year relationship then and I think the fact I wasn't healed yet contributed to it's downfall only when I met my next boyfriend whom I would end up with for five years, he taught me how to let go was very supportive in listening to my anger and helped me through but that's now over too.

 

Looking back I should of talked to a professional I was very secretive and private about it I still am I will talk about abuse but I don't talk about the things that took place the only person I ever did was with my last ex who helped me through my family knows about it but ive never actually told them about it.

 

Maybe you need to talk to someone even if it's not a professional I found it to be very healing to have at least someone know everything it was like letting go of a massive secret to have just 1 person know everything because of this I was able to get over it and have it not effect me I don't even think about it anymore unless im giving advice to others about abusive relationship which I try to do as often as I can in hope others can be helped.

Edited January 28, 2015 by Omei

[me85]

The love was not real I can tell you that we don't abuse people we love he may of loved you in some personal sick way but it's not the kind of love we seek.

 

I will never be the same either im stronger, more aware and because of the abuse I have gotten very big on anti bulling and will go nuts if I see this happening to someone.

 

But my past abuse doesn't effect me anymore have you talked to someone about it? I didn't and I spent about an entire year obsessing on how I wish he would be hurt just as bad, at times I would even wish for his death I had so much hate in me it was outrageously taxing I would wake up and go to sleep thinking about how much I hated someone it was total hell, having that much hate and anger in you is just soooo insane! I had a year relationship then and I think the fact I wasn't healed yet contributed to it's downfall only when I met my next boyfriend whom I would end up with for five years, he taught me how to let go was very supportive in listening to my anger and helped me through but that's now over too.

 

Looking back I should of talked to a professional I was very secretive and private about it I still am I will talk about abuse but I don't talk about the things that took place the only person I ever did was with my last ex who helped me through my family knows about it but ive never actually told them about it.

 

Maybe you need to talk to someone even if it's not a professional I found it to be very healing to have at least someone know.

 

I may talk to someone in the future. I'm not angry. I don't have hatred in my heart but I am emotionally unavailable and afraid to get close to people. More so since my last RS. I'm happy now and have all the hope in the world for a bright future but I'm very reclusive. I believe that if I'm going through this phase then I'm meant to go through this phase. It'll pass like every other phase in life passes.

[Oneness]

Just thought this may be of interest i.e. why we stay with abusers.

 

Leslie Morgan Steiner: Why domestic violence victims don't leave | Talk Video | TED.com

 

I was with mine for 7 years...should have left him the first time he attacked me...left him five years later.