Conflicted about Commitments and Cheating

[Dolphinfeet]

About 9 months ago, I exited a 2 year relationship with a woman I proposed to. She was nice, loving, and always gave me sex whenever I wanted. She wasn't materialistic and was always responsible with her money. Her values towards relationship appeared quite good. It gave me enough trust to enter a relationship with her. I never saw hint of dissatisfaction between me and her.

 

So when I discovered her cheating, it was out of left field. She assured me I was always the person she loved "most," and still denies that she cheated on me. Though what she considers cheating and lying are probably not the standard.

 

Realizing that our views are too different to stay together, I left without turning back.

 

 

Hey but that's not the whole story.

 

 

When I discovered evidence of her cheating, I went out and hooked up myself out of sheer anger. Note, I said evidence. Whenever a new piece of evidence popped up, I cheated again. This was before I could even prove it to myself. I lost count how many times I did it before the final proof cam ein hand.

 

I've had two long term relationships like this when I was younger and cheating never really crossed my mind about myself or my partner. I also thought cheating wasn't something I was capable of.

 

 

 

After this, I'm really reconsidering my views on marriage and passing on my genes. The world doesn't need anymore people really, if you think about how overpopulation is one of the main ways we'll one day deplete this planet of all its natural resources.

 

Plus, after what I went through, I can't stop projecting myself and my ex onto anyone I meet. Whenever a person confesses they cheated, and makes excuses for it (they all do) to relieve their conscious, I feel like they're only justifying cheating. Then you have people who adamantly announce to the world, "I'd never cheat! You're just weak," who just come off as hypocrites to me. They just haven't had the opportunity presented itself. This may or may not be true, but my projection on people currently comes as natural as drinking water for me.

 

I don't think it's possible to ever be in a marriage anymore for the rest of my life. The whole idea of it seems really pointless to me. Being single again made me discover how bad marriage is for a lot of men these days.

 

I mean, why get shacked up and have sex twice a year when you could as a man, find young tail well unto your 60's if you take care of yourself? Sure these girls might be into money you say, but if you're single and working hard, money's not a problem. "But what about true love, and having someone to hold on Christmas?" I've already experienced it once in life, and once was all I need

 

My money is just sitting there right piling up now that I'm single, and I have no interest in materialism. I've already picked up Japanese and booked my flight there. I love Japanese women. I want to take advantage of my youth while I still have it.

 

 

 

The only reservation I have left for marriage are to see my parents happy. None of their kids have had successful relationships, and none have bore children. The oldest sibling died at 34, and the youngest myself, is repulsed by marriage. I think it pains them when they look at us, believing we're all miserable and lonely. It's probably also instinctive to see your genetic line getting cut off from humanity and grow anxious.

 

If anyone in this life deserves me to bring them happiness, it's my parents. They're the only people on this world who wouldn't cheat me for another child. They're always assuring me that all I need is to find the right woman. I just can't get the images of these miserable husbands before me whenever they tell me that.

 

I also don't want to lie and be lied to either.

 

 

Am I off my rockers or is that just how reality is now-a-days?

Edited September 10, 2014 by Dolphinfeet

[evanescentworld]

Your reality is your reality, and it is coloured by perceptions and experience. Your reality is just as valid as another person's reality, even if their reality IS getting married, settling down, buying the car, the house, the dog and having the kids.

That's their reality, and if they make it work, it works perfectly as a reality for them.

It's just not YOUR reality.

 

Reality is Life as it comes, coupled with Life as we make it.

 

All I can say is, don't alter your reality to create someone else's for them, simply because you feel an obligation to fulfil their dreams.

What their dreams are, or were, is nobody else's business, and if they come true, or don't - well, that's Their Reality, and expectations done with.

 

I'll tell you what my reality is:

My reality is being nobody's pushover, but making sure that even in that, I am kind, and I am Compassionate.

 

That doesn't mean liking everyone, agreeing with everyone or even putting up with everyone.

 

My Reality is being able to look at myself in the mirror every night, confident that overall, I did OK today; didn't harm, didn't hurt, didn't damage or affect anyone or anything adversely - certainly, never deliberately, wilfully or on purpose.

Another day gone.

One day gone is one day less I have.

 

So it stands to reason, that as far as my Reality goes, I take that into account, because I don't know when my last day will be.

Might as well do my best to make it good, all round, until it comes.

[Dolphinfeet]

Although I appreciate the answer, I just have a gripe about one thing. It's kind of offensive actually.

 

I'm not sure what you meant by including "push-over" in it. I don't think I've indicated anywhere that I'm allowing anyone to push me over.

 

Perhaps you believe the part where I spoke about my parents fits that bill. This isn't the first that I've heard that. That's a misconception I believe that is driven by "false" individualistic ideals in some countries like America. Hell, most Americans wouldn't think twice about shoving their parents into retirement homes, or kicking their kids out of the house at 18.

 

I just wanted to clear that up, although I don't think I'll ever see eye to with anyone who believes loving and wanting the most happiness out of the people who gave you happiness as being a "push over". Calling it "obligation" is a very cold way of describing it, and completely inaccurate.

 

Apologies if I came off harshly about it.

Edited September 10, 2014 by Dolphinfeet

[evanescentworld]

The push-over comment was in reference to myself, and myself alone.

That's why I included it as an aspect of 'My Reality'. Not yours, or indeed, anyone else's.

 

Sorry if you misunderstood that.

[beach]

Getting married or having kids to please parents? No way.

 

Just don't. That's completely backwards.

[Ninjainpajamas]

How old are you?

 

I don't see anything wrong with where you're at right now, life is going to automatically change as you get older and so will your priorities in life. It's hard to say how you're going to feel exactly 10, 20, or even 30 years from now...by then, you might not have the same gas and passion about running around town anymore looking for young tail...a lot of those older guys are making up for lost time, as they've spent a lot of their lives invested in their careers, families or got royally screwed over in a divorce or been unhappy for years and years without any kind of a sex life...money isn't that big of a sacrifice when you can get a hot piece of @ss that's half your age that makes you feel "young and alive" again and you can lie to yourself about wht it is, because dealing with women your age who are experienced and past that stage of their life are already going to give you a lot more "trouble" than just a young girl who's open-minded and optimistic about the world that usually comes with youth...along with a large dose of naivety and carelessness.

 

So I'd just take it step by step, go and do the things you want to do. Once you meet the "right girl", if you ever do meet someone you'd want to settle and start a family with, then cross that bridge when you come to it.

 

Otherwise don't put the pressure on yourself because of what your family thinks. A lot of people are influenced by a lot of external things that don't necessarily make YOU happy and fulfilled, if they were doing what they were doing just for themselves then they'd often be doing something completely different. But that's also kind of frowned upon by being overly "selfish" but that's perception and nobody can tell you how to live and how to be happy, only know that.

 

Also look at the men who are married, they're never a happy bunch, ask yourself if that's the life you want. You've definitely got to be ready for that, but marriage usually comes along with the family unit...you'll hear from a lot of men that's why they are married, they love their kids and they want the best for their kids and you'll hear it from a lot of women too (don't be shy, ask and talk to married men and women - they'll often tell you the truth, don't take my word for it).

 

The truth is, all of this crap you're doing right now nobody is going to care about down the road. Especially when people think that the past is the past and everyone changes and all of that, so it's typically a free pass as people have their own regrets and worried about being judged themselves...so they're less likely to judge you for something out of your past for that reason.

 

I've also cheated in my past relationships, but that was a different time, my perspective and understanding of myself has changed drastically..the thing people seem to be fine about doing is generalizing "cheaters" but if you generalize people back about whatever it is that they're sensitive about, then all of sudden they get all offended and feel personally attacked and criticized, they can dish it out but they can't take it...the tables completely turn, so don't listen to the biased opinions and judgments of other people, be fair and critical about yourself. I know what caused me to behave in self-destructive ways in my past, and like everyone else...it had nothing to do with the relationship, but my own personal emotional past and experiences, people think you're cheating on them when you're really cheating on yourself in a way...it's derived from a personal issue at times, and other times for some people I suppose it's simply a mistake or selfish.

 

You can see that the reason you cheated...at least about your agenda in that scenario was based on hurt and revenge, it was your way of dealing and coping with the situation...maybe you felt it was the only way you could even the score or get back at her for something that really broke your trust and faith in her and women themselves. It sounds like you've got a very low threshold of trust within women for obvious reasons, therefore maybe now you're reconsidering that commitment of marriage since you feel you gave it a chance and that ship has sailed (for now). But I'd imagine that can change.

 

But anyway, don't do the whole self-victimization process..just own what you did and learn from it, don't use it as a selling point to pitch growth and pull your victims in by making them feel sorry for you...you don't have to wear your cheating past on your sleeve, just like a slut doesn't have to, a drug addict, or an alcoholic, or a person suffering from depression, OCD or the many different variety of taboos people acquire from life out there. I definitely don't feel embarrassed about it myself or ashamed, I wouldn't ever hesitate to admit it or explain to someone why I did it because I learned a lot about myself from my own behavior.

 

I know what you mean by wanting to please your parents a little bit...although my parents aren't together and haven't been for years, my mom would like to me to settle down (age 33) and have a family, I'm Hispanic so I'm basically an old fart by now not to have a family and kids...but she wants to be a grandmother and people seem to think I have some "promising" qualities where people can see me doing well in that role...but I've also talked to her about it and told her I'm not quite ready for that...she knows me, and I'm a pretty independent and spontaneous at the moment, she's learned to be happy just to know where I'm at or what I'm doing at any given time because she knows that I can call her up tomorrow and the situation could have completely changed..but that's what gives me passion and motivation in my life, i want to experience life before I work the 9-5 and live a not so glamorous life by coming home and doing the same things day in and day out, changing diapers, and quelling the endless energy or noise from ravaging kids ruining my home (in a good way I suppose).

[oldshirt]

I am 50 years old and my past experiences and some of the conflicting feelings and concepts I have wrestled with sound a lot like what you are wrestling with too.

 

 

While I think you have some legitimate questions and concerns, I do think you are being a little harsh on the institute of marriage.

 

 

I'll share a few thoughts and I'll warn upfront they may seem conflicting and contradictory with each other and at it may do is just add more confusion for but whatever.

 

 

The older I get, the more I think that one of the only reasons people 'should' get married is if they want kids and want to raise them up in a stable, legally protected home. about every other reason you can fudge on or have some kind of substitution or just wing it for awhile.

 

 

so a lot depends on how much you want to raise kids. If you have a deep, sincere desire to have kids, then marriage should be a viable option for you and should be on your list of life objectives.

 

 

If you know for fact that you do not want, and shall never want to have kids, then I think it would be perfectly legitimate for you to cross marriage off your list of things to do.

 

 

Many of the other benefits of having a partner you can have without marriage ie companionship, sexuality, roommate, dates, friends etc etc. Your challenge would be finding women who also do not want kids but there are a good number of those out there.

 

 

The dilemma comes when you are somewhere in the middle which sounds like where you are at the moment and that too is where I found myself throughout most of my 20s and 30s.

 

 

two trains of thought here. One is do not marry and do not pursue marriage until you have the true, sincere desire to do so. I did not have that desire until I was involved with my now wife at age 31. She did have a burning desire for kids so I knew that would always be part of the package but I was able to hold that off for about half dozen years before God intervened and she became pregnant despite our(ok MY) efforts to the contrary.

 

 

the other train of thought for you to consider is to approach marriage like you would insuring a car. I think we have reached a point in the world where we simply can no longer assume marriage is " till death do us part."

 

 

We have to assume that the realities of divorce will always be present and we must always be prepared for that eventuality. You may not always have to pull the ejection handle but you must always make sure that the parachute is in good working order and properly packed and that the ejection system is always ready to do it's task the moment the handle is pulled.

 

 

That kind of thinking makes the church ladies and the pro-marriage pundits cringe but I think it's a necessary evil in todays world and that is go into marriage always ready, willing and able to survive a divorce.

 

 

This means things like always have solid education and career (or at least documented job skills) that will support yourself and kids, always maintain your own bank accounts/credit cards/credit rating/investments/retirement accounts etc.

 

 

Never buy too expensive of house or cars or other shared properties that will hurt you in the event of a divorce.

 

 

If you do have kids, never have more than what you can afford to take care of on your own or bust you if you have to pay child support.

 

 

Always make sure you spouse is also educated and has a good job or at least marketable job skills and make sure they also maintain separate accounts and credit and retirement etc to minimize or even eliminate the threat of spousal support.

 

 

Always keep yourself fit, healthy and attractive so that you do not feel that your spouse is the only one that will ever have you and if they mistreat you, that it will still be better than the alternative of being alone.

 

 

Basically what I am saying is marriage isn't so daunting and scary when you design it from the outset to survive and do OK in a divorce.

 

 

the church ladies will disagree with this statement but I also believe that the more prepared and capable people are to walk away, the better spouses treat each other in the first place and the less likely people are to mistreated and cheated on and abused etc.

 

 

as long as you don't put yourself in a position where you need your spouse for all your needs and are dependent on them for everything, marriage is not something to be feared or avoided.

 

 

In order to have a good marriage and be comfortable and secure in marriage, it really helps to be comfortable and secure in being single and not be afraid to return to being single at any moment.

Edited September 10, 2014 by oldshirt

[redtail]

You actually don't sound conflicted to me, you sound resolute in your decision. That's a good thing. Marriage is not, repeat not for everybody. Enjoy and live your life as you have imagined.

 

Personally, I love being married, but this is your thread...

Edited September 10, 2014 by redtail

[jackslife]

When I was 30, I was convinced i didn't want children. Talked about having the snip, not interested. By the time I was 38 I did. I have a son and what he has brought to my life has been amazing.

 

Now I'm not saying that children or marriage are for everyone, but I am saying is that you change over time. You wouldn't expect to behave and interact at 25 the same way you did at 15. Likewise you will be a different person again at 35 and 45...

 

You may not want marriage now, or children now. You may never have or want either. But you could be in Japan next week, meet a woman and POW! You could end up married and with children and happy for the rest of your life.

 

There are no absolutes when it comes to love. Old shirt is right we marry forever but marriages don't last forever. People divorce, remarry and are often happier than they've been before.

 

I'd only say that be true to yourself and don't close yourself off based on a bad experience. Enjoy women and your life while you are young and see where the path takes you.

 

10 - 20 years from now you may look on the person you are now and he may be a complete mystery to you.

 

Good luck to you.

[Poppygoodwill]

I think you've been hurt and are reacting in an entirely predictable, but not necessarily profitable way.

 

Get married, don't get married. It doesn't really matter.

 

You'll find however that most people seek some form of committed long term relationship, especially the older they get. So just be honest with women you meet that you're not that kind of guy. Don't be one of those skeevy guys who string women along and lie by omission becuase it's easier to get someone to like you if you let them think there's potential for something real. And then months or years down the road, you finally fess up that you never believed in LTR's from the beginning and she walks away having wasted her time wiht you. There are a million stories like that on this board.

 

Also, if I were you I wouldn't assume it's easy to get "young tail" as you so charmingly put it, into your geriatric years. You're living in a fantasy world if you think young women as a whole are willing to sleep with wrinkly old asses, potbellies and thinning hair. yech.