I don't know how to change myself

[cloud3]

Hi everybody,I am 28 years old woman.

My parents belong in"people pleasing"group.Watching their example and pampering other people has never brought me any good.My both parents worked in hospital,father was doctor on the biggest position in his field,and mother was nurse.They are very human people who taught me to be human,to love animals and other people,nature,always to be very nice...and it is very very good,but only in case if this world is that good.

 

Strange people who heard for us could always call my parents for advice,for help in hospital,of course all for free,neighbours,who ever needs help and know for us comes to our door in the middle of the night,there were never limits with my parents,my mother even has heart disease but she has no time to take care of herself how she is always busy with other people's problems!!!

 

And in my personal life I had so much trouble for being good,even good friends would lose respect.During studies,my home was camping place for everybody,I even washed laundry for one friend regulary untill I freaked out and sent everybody to hell.Then I don't remember when someone paid me drink,when I meet with friends,always I pay drinks,ex boyfriend used me for money,present boyfriend moved in in room I was renting of my poor salary,although he works for oil and gas and has 10 times bigger salary.There is so many examples,now one not very close friend wanted to see me,telling me that he smoked marijuana and police caught him and he has to pay big penalty,he said that he couldn't remember anyone to ask money,althoug he has so many friends,plus he smokes marijuana?????

 

Why the hell I was the first one on mind for borrowing the money of person I hardly know???I am tired of that,I exploded and told him lots of bed words.Thing is that I have no middle.I am very honest person and following example of my parents,it started to be written on my face-fool.My nature is nice,my manners are nice,people feel comfortable with me,everybody says that,but people with me easily lose limits and then I explode and turn into monster.How can I learn to set limits,to be respected like I respect others???It is so hard with people.

 

Sorry if it is long.

Edited September 11, 2014 by cloud3

[2sunny]

Work with a professional to establish firm, healthy boundaries.

 

It's good to take care of others but not if one doesn't take care of self FIRST.

 

For now - do contrary action to get different result..

[todreaminblue]

If people don't respect you for being good then they are the ones with issues......in saying that being selfless......has limits because you are human and you need to look after yourself so you can look after others......when i was younger i never said no......i did everything that was asked of me till i could take no more which happened around fifteen.....and then i said no.....as i have aged.....i say no more....still have a problem with it...makes me feel guilty..but i have learned limitations.........one way i know how i have reached my limit is i start to feel overwhelmed ....then i snap......so before i snap i know when i am overwhelmed and I get anxiety and ill retreat and have me time......come back refreshed....if someone goes to say something before they even speak i say "no"..nup .nah not doin it..........they say ....i havent asked yet deb or mum normally with a laugh...and ill say just preparing myself..just practising....then i say go ahead you can ask now......and if i feel up to it ill help them out but if i dont feel like it and i feel its too much or an imposition........i can actually say no.......

 

 

so next time someone is about to ask you for something or to do something and they ask alot of you.....before they speak say nah sorry with a smile.....then let them ask....if you feel up to i t....do it...if you feel its wrong or put of place or an imposition say ....nah sorry not this time......its time for you to help yourself...im beat i am tired i am broke.....do what you need to to do ...you can be selfless....but it is ok to look after yourself so that you may better help others who really need your help.........theres a sorry about a fisherman and his wife.......and a magic fish he caught its a kids story.....and the basic line of the story is....the wife keeps asking and asking for better and bigger things.......from this fish that her husband caught and released.....a good natured kindly fish .......and the more she asks for ......the more deep and stormy the seas become...the angrier the fish becomes.....until eventually she ends back in an old hovel exactly where she started from because she asked to control the moon and the sun......i think its grimms brothers fairy tale...dont know but it was a story i loved as a very young child........

 

 

 

 

sometimes it doesnt matter how many times you help someone it will never be enough...so draw the line...let them help themselves....and reserve your strength and nature for someone who truly deserves and needs it......being selfless....deserves respect...unfortunately.....selfless people normally believe in a higher power than themselves...and the world doesnt believe in them or the higher power ...hence disrespect........i respect you...rock on.....and you can say no ....god bless and keep you giving to those who need you to give...............deb

[mightycpa]

Have you ever seen that movie starring Jim Carrey called "Yes Man"?

 

You need to be the "No Ma'am".

 

You need to learn how to say no when first asked. Never explain why and don't get angry, just say no, no matter what you are asked to do, until you learn how.

 

For example:

 

Can I crash at your place for a couple of days? No. How come? No. Don't you like me? I've got no place to stay!! No.

 

Give cloud3 the bill. No. But you drank too! No. You're a mooch. No.

 

Oh, cloud3, my cat died! I need some money to bury her. No.

 

Get the idea?

 

NO!

[cloud3]

Hahahahahahahaha...

Thank you all for answers,mightycpa you are really funny and todreaminblue thank you especially for the story,I haven't heard it for a long time,I also liked it when I was kid!It is instructive story!

 

I get the point of all of you,I should learn how to love myself on the 1st place and to learn to say no.I read lot about it in self help books,forums.I changed a lot comparing to before,but there are still problems in a way,it is not always favor someone is asking,for example one friend calls me for a walk and then she is chatting all the time on viber and stops on street and tells me to wait,and she lets me stand like idiot beside her on the street,while she is chatting,and every few steps we make she receive new message and like that.And it was same story every time we see each other until I again exploded.

 

As you said I should not yell,scream,be nervous,and I am guilty for not reacting immediately when someone tries,let's to say to disrespectful me.I still haven't learned to set the limits.