Situation Question...

[uleryrns]

Ok, I'm new here, so I'm not sure if this is the right forum, but here is my situation.

 

My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years (Oct this year). This is the first marriage for both of us. Needless to say, it's had it's ups and downs, as I'm sure all marriages do. For the most part my husband and I get along and we are best friends. We fully trust each other and love each other and other than minor faults and incapatabilities, we have a good life together. We both took our vows of marriage seriously.

 

My husband is a good person. However, he is terribly insecure about himself and he needs constant reassurance from me that I love him and am attracted to him. He tells me he's insecure because of being treated badly by adults and authorative figures throughout his childhood and because of his past relationships, he was treated very badly. But he adamantly refuses to let go of it and get over it.

 

You'd think after 5 years of being married, and knowing that I love him and trust him, that he wouldn't still be so insecure. I keep wondering why he is so insecure anyway. I mean, he has a loving, doting wife (and I'm no Miss America, but I'm not ugly either and he tells me all the time how beautiful I am, etc). He has 3 beautiful children who love him very much. He has several close friends who ALWAYS come to him to talk about their problems and want to be around him to just hang out. His family is great and they dote love all over him all the time. He has no real reason for being insecure. And it's insulting to me, that he pushes it off on me ALL the time, as if I'm the cause.

 

I've put up with some serious crap, crap that most women might have left him by now for. He's been verbally abusive to me a lot through out these past 5 years, he's thrown things at me, yelled and screamed at me and has called me names, he's selfish and lazy and doesn't help a whole lot with our kids or doing stuff around the house. He's reliably unreliable and if it weren't for us needing money to pay our bills, he probably wouldn't even hold down a job. If you sense disgust as I post, you're right. I love him, but there have been many times I wish he were different and I keep wishing and praying that he'll change. But through it all, and then some, I've put up with him and all his crap and I'm still beside him, loving him, because for better or for worse, right?

 

It's also very frustrating to me, when I have a low sex-drive to begin with and he wants sex almost every other night. And if I don't get in the mood and give in, he gives me this total guilt trip and makes me feel like I'm the worst wife. Then I end up giving him sympathy sex, just to shut him up, which doesn't make me feel good at all, but I'm tired of hearing him whine. A lot of the time, I just don't want sex. If I knew we could cuddle and snuggle, then fine, but it never ends there. He always wants sex and then claims, that is how he expresses his love. Well, as a woman, I express my love as communication and he doesn't always listen or want to listen when I talk. So why should I always have sex when he wants it?

 

We have the same conversation (more like a lecture from him), I think like 2 times a month, where he tells me he thinks if he didn't approach me for sex, that I would be fine and happy and never approach him. Although I try to flirt with him and be physically affectionate at least once a day, I only approach him and instigate sex maybe once or twice a month, because I just don't care to have sex that often. I've been this way since we first got married. And I still am attracted to him, I just don't care that much about sex. And lately we don't have birth control and I just had a baby a year ago and I'm not ready for another child just yet. I told him the main reason I'm not wanting sex a lot right now is because of not wanting to get pregnant, and until I get more pills (April), I'm trying to be responsible and careful. It sucks if that makes me a terrible person, but what am I to do? He tells me that because I'm not willing to throw caution to the wind about getting pregnant, that it's not very important to me to share "passion" with him and I must care more about being responsible than being with him. Normally, when birth control is not an issue, we have sex about 2 to 3 times a week, which I think is normal for married couples. Correct me if I'm wrong.

 

Granted when we first met, it was different because it was a new relationship and all, so there was a lot more excitement. Plus, when you're "dating" someone, you don't truly know who they "truly" are. So you are both still on your best behavior. But after you get married and start to unveil who each other is, that's when you develop more of your feelings, etc. And I don't feel as attracted to him as I used to because he has hurt me (verbal abuse) and he's tried my patience to the point of wanting to really leave him. He's disappointed me because I had no idea he had an anger problem or a mild bipolar problem, and that he was lazy and so selfish and as unreliable as he is. Granted, I'm not perfect and I am not claiming that all this stems from him. But a lot has happened to dim my view if you will. And I know I need to forgive and forget things he's done, but he keeps repeating them and it's hard when that happens.

 

We've gone though marriage counseling, we've talked about these issues and we get to the same place each time. And it seems it all comes back to his insecurities about himself. And as much as I try to reaffirm my love for him and reassure him I'm attracted to him, unless I'm jumping his bones every day, it's not enough. I'm tired of the guilt trips and the pity parties he has when he isn't getting what he wants. All that does is make me want him less. If it's his past, then he needs to let it go, don't you think? And if he's not willing to let it go, how can he get over it and how can our marriage get better?

[whichwayisup]

My husband is a good person. However, he is terribly insecure about himself and he needs constant reassurance from me that I love him and am attracted to him. He tells me he's insecure because of being treated badly by adults and authorative figures throughout his childhood and because of his past relationships, he was treated very badly. But he adamantly refuses to let go of it and get over it.

 

We've gone though marriage counseling, we've talked about these issues and we get to the same place each time. And it seems it all comes back to his insecurities about himself. And as much as I try to reaffirm my love for him and reassure him I'm attracted to him, unless I'm jumping his bones every day, it's not enough. I'm tired of the guilt trips and the pity parties he has when he isn't getting what he wants. All that does is make me want him less. If it's his past, then he needs to let it go, don't you think? And if he's not willing to let it go, how can he get over it and how can our marriage get better?

 

He needs to talk to a therapist of some kind to deal with emotional baggage that comes from HIM not YOU. This has nothing to do with you as a person and his wife. This is coming from him and him only.

 

YOU cannot make him happy and feel loved if he doesn't love himself. NOONE is somebody else's happiness. Yes, someone can make you FEEL happy and secure but that has to come within. Seems he is missing this and until he decides to change and make some effort into dealing with his issues, this problem will be ongoing.

 

You love him, don't ever give up faith. Just be honest with him, but don't push. Tell him in words, actions, do little nice things for him occasionally...Eventually he will figure out it's something he will have to face and decide to go the councilling.

[laRubiaBonita]

i agree with him needing individual therapy.

[Moose]

Wow! You have just told EVERYONE what my marriage was like the first 5 or 6 years! Almost down to a perfect tee! The only difference is that I've always held down a job, and hard work never bothered me. What you're going through has been dealt with before. I know this for a fact! Mrs. Moose and I never went to counceling, but events in my life caused us to look at things a bit differently.

 

There were some things that I needed in my life, (recgonition, respect, sex), and things that Mrs. Moose needed in her life, (Security, Companionship, trust), that we weren't giving each other. It's not that we didn't want to, or refused to, it's just we didn't know HOW to.

 

I noticed you said that you two have been to counceling. But have you heard of the five love languages? If not, this book should help you to understand more about what your husband is seeking, and how to deliver it, and same goes for him.

 

My love language is physical touch. I feel more confident, and respected when Mrs. Moose shows me PDA, holds my hand, sits next to me on the couch and drapes her legs over mine, kisses me goodbye, and tells me she loves me when we part or hang up the phone. She's making deposits in my, "Love Bank", when she does those things. That way, it's easier for me to pat attention to her, "love language", which is gifts.

 

When I first found out that her love language was gifts, I blew a gasket! I thought, "great! now I'm gonna have to spend more money, everyday, just to make withdrawls from my love bank!" But that's not what gifts meant. WHEW! Anyway, I leave little notes all over the house, I send her to a day spa once every 2 months, I bring home or send flowers periodically, buy her rings, take her to dinner.....things like that.

 

It really works! Find out what your love languages are, and how to give eachother these things to brighten up your relationship. It really helped my self esteem issues, and at the same time, it did wonders for Mrs. Moose's libido! It's not that you don't want to please your husband, it's lack of the right motivation.

[Ladyjane14]

I had to laugh when I read this post....not that it's funny it the least.... but rather because I could have written it MYSELF this time last year. (With just a few changes in detail of course. )

 

And there's hope for change, but it requires BOTH parties to change their POV just a little bit. You have to get into each other's heads, and think like the other guy thinks.

 

Men are men. They only have their own poor man-brains to think with. Their thought process is irrational and alien to us at times.

 

But guess what? It's the same for them. What makes perfect sense to us, seems emotional if not CRAZY to them. Viva la difference, eh?

 

There was a good discussion on this very thing a while back in this thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49416/ Male Sex Drive & Female Sexual Ambivalence. I'm sure their are quite a few other threads that are similar since this is such a common problem.

 

 

I think that your main problem here is going to be enlisting his cooperation in solving the problem. It's not enough that you give him sex in the variety and quantity that he wants. He needs to understand that he's got to meet your needs too.

 

The worst thing that can happen in a situation like this is that the woman capitulates, changes her thinking, does her best to meet her husband's needs.....and then he fails to reciprocate.

[whichwayisup]

My love language is physical touch. I feel more confident, and respected when Mrs. Moose shows me PDA, holds my hand, sits next to me on the couch and drapes her legs over mine, kisses me goodbye, and tells me she loves me when we part or hang up the phone. She's making deposits in my, "Love Bank", when she does those things. That way, it's easier for me to pat attention to her, "love language", which is gifts.

 

When I first found out that her love language was gifts, I blew a gasket! I thought, "great! now I'm gonna have to spend more money, everyday, just to make withdrawls from my love bank!" But that's not what gifts meant. WHEW! Anyway, I leave little notes all over the house, I send her to a day spa once every 2 months, I bring home or send flowers periodically, buy her rings, take her to dinner.....things like that.

 

Awesome Moose! It's so true, and those little quick pickmeup's as I call them really make a difference in the marriage.

 

My husband will just DO something nice - No hidden adjenda, no strings...He says my smile and my reaction is good enough for him.

 

I do the same for him, but in a more subtle way...I'll call him at work and ask what he wants for dinner...We'll chitchat for afew mins - Then I tell him I love him and then add in, Oh yeah, btw, just so you know when you get home...We're having sex! I know he smiles on the other end of the phone!

 

I will have to go buy that love language book because it will only better me and my husband.

[Artifact]

Originally posted by Moose

Wow! You have just told EVERYONE what my marriage was like the first 5 or 6 years! Almost down to a perfect tee!

 

This is good news! I think Moose has one of the best marriages going.... definitly follow his advice.

[Moose]

Originally posted by Artifact

This is good news! I think Moose has one of the best marriages going.... definitly follow his advice.

Thanks Artifact. I hope everyone understands that my success wasn't entirely up to me, I just had to make the first move. Once Mrs. Moose realized the changes I made in my life, she followed suit. Sometimes it takes someone getting off the pot.