Bf hesitant to get married because I was married in the past

[StarGurl29]

I've been with my boyfriend for around two years now and I am madly in love with him. However, now I am in a huge panic about the future of our relationship. Prior to this problem we were having serious discussions about getting married since we are both 30 and looking to settle down. I wanted to be with him forever(and I still want that).

 

Recently he found out that many years ago I was very briefly married. I was 19 at the time and frankly I was stupid. The marriage only lasted 10 months and honestly the guy I was with turned out to not be a very nice guy and the last straw was when he physically hit me.

 

If you are wondering why he was not aware of this until recently, well I actually had been under the impression he was. In fact I could of sworn I mentioned it to him towards the beginning of our relationship. Other then that I haven't really ever brought it up since there was no point, but he swears I never mentioned it and says he definitely would of remembered.

 

The issue now is that he really has a huge problem with this and I don't know what to do. His issue is not that I was with another guy in the past, but rather his issue is the fact I was married. He says he is upset because I am the love of his life and the only person he has ever wanted to marry and that it hurts that I can't make the same claim about him. Even though I tell him my feelings for him are much stronger and more intense then my feelings for my ex(or any other guy I've been with).

 

He asks me if I just feel wedding vows were meaningless. He said I agreed to be with this other guy for better or worse until death do us part, but didn't follow through. He then wonders if the same thing will happen with us, he says he feels less special knowing I already walked down the aisle once before. He is definitely now acting hesitant about us getting married, which is breaking my heart.

 

He says he also wonders about why it only lasted 10 months. He said if I agreed to be with this guy forever, what does it then say about me that I gave up after less then a year and didn't try to make it work. This is hurting because I was young and stupid at the time, but he says I was still an adult at the time and that you can't blame every mistake on being young at the time.

 

How do I make him understand that he is the love of my life? That this marriage would be different?

[lollipopspot]

He sounds naive and obsessive.

 

Are his parents still together? Is there something that you can identify that gives him this complex about fairy tale soulmates or however he envisions it?

 

I don't know if you can convince him that you feel differently about him and at this place in your life. This seems to be more about his ideals than your reality. Age might change him. When life knocks you around enough, you must realize that perfection is impossible. I could understand his feelings better if you were married a couple times before - that would say something about your choices - but that youthful mistake seems to me to be not that big of a deal. Everyone has some baggage.

[Keenly]

I wonder if his reaction would have been far more insignificant had he known from the beginning.just keep doing what your doing. Don't pressure him. Don't try and change his mind about it. I bet he gets over it.

[dichotomy]

Your short time husband - abused you. Do you need more? I think not but ok...you were friggin 19 ! You were a kid and kids make poor choices, and you are an adult now and know exactly what you want - him.

 

Depending on your morals/religious. Ethical views - there are many justifiable reasons for divorce. It might be a good conversation to discuss - what are the deal breakers, deal makers, and boundaries and reasons to get and stay married? Cheating/adultery? (what is cheating/adultery?) Abuse? Drugs/Money stealing?, a spouse no longer willing to have sex or types of sex they used to with their partner, metal illness, physical illness, child rearing differences, or one of your no longer "felt love" (LOL) anymore for the other, and on and on ? Sometimes an agreement your going to stick it out when married though ups and downs - but there are limits for either of you - that the other should know what those are before going in. Marriage is a big deal, but only when the other understand the expectations and boundaries and commitment of the other.

 

I think an excellent time to have some deep discussions.

 

Some places offer some pretty good premarital testing and compatibility counseling. You might try this (even if your not engaged)

 

If you are both looking to have kids - tick tock.

Edited September 11, 2014 by dichotomy

[preraph]

Your BF sounds like he's got a LOT of growing up to do if he still believes you can only love one person. Just wait until he finds out that you can love someone and still not be able to live with them. It will blow his mind. Frankly, he needs a little more experience behind him. He is idealistic -- to idealistic for a 30-year-old -- and what 30 year old has never been in love before now? Don't we all "fall in love" when we're younger -- and it is love, it's just young love.

 

Honestly, I'd be all for raking him over the coals for blaming you for not sticking with a marriage in which you are being hit. Is he going to insist you stay with him if HE hits you? I bet he is. He thinks marriage is you stay together no matter how wrong he can be.

 

Here's what I think: I think you have just now been with your bf long enough to start seeing the real him. Sadly, it takes quite an investment of time and emotions before we get to see the real guy because they are always on best behavior while they're trying to land you. He's not empathetic -- and that for me is a dealbreaker. He's as idealistic as a high school sophomore, and that for me is also a dealbreaker.

[StanMusial]

Better to be married than spreading free tang around town, at least IMO. Plus the fact you were 19 and it lasted less than a year... seems like less of an issue given the context.

 

My fiance was engaged once before me, I never was... when I thought it through I realized this actually works in my favor, due to her ex setting the bar so low.

[Priv]

Naive, growing up to do, soulmate fairytale etc. All very well, but don't you think that is the mindset you need to get married? He is taking 'till death do us part' very seriously, and isn't that kind of the point of marriage? That is what he is struggling with.

 

 

Not saying you should not have left the other guy. You were totally right leaving a abusive spouse. But it does make me think if you 2 know each other well enough. 2 year relationship and never spoken of a previous marriage till recently?!?

[PegNosePete]

The marriage only lasted 10 months

Well you beat me by a month then, mine was 9 months.

 

In my experience there is a different mindset regarding marriage between those who have never been, and those who have. Generally those who have never been married regard it as the next step in a relationship; a sign of love; wanting to settle down; wanting to be with someone forever. Whereas those who are divorced don't see such a need for it - you can have all of those things without being married. It's really just a legal contract. Being married doesn't make a relationship any more or less likely to succeed.

 

As for the whole "death do us part" thing, well the best interpretation I've heard for that is that it means the death of the relationship. Maybe that's getting off on a technicality, I don't know, but it works for me. It's pretty much archaic, religious wording anyway.

 

He says he also wonders about why it only lasted 10 months. He said if I agreed to be with this guy forever, what does it then say about me that I gave up after less then a year and didn't try to make it work.

I hope you told him straight up that your ex-husband physically abused you, and if he thinks that kind of thing is acceptable and that you should have just sat there and taken a beating, then he obviously has some messed up moral values and he can get out of your life right now. That's what I would have said.

[Priv]

Well you beat me by a month then, mine was 9 months.

 

In my experience there is a different mindset regarding marriage between those who have never been, and those who have. Generally those who have never been married regard it as the next step in a relationship; a sign of love; wanting to settle down; wanting to be with someone forever. Whereas those who are divorced don't see such a need for it - you can have all of those things without being married. It's really just a legal contract. Being married doesn't make a relationship any more or less likely to succeed.

 

As for the whole "death do us part" thing, well the best interpretation I've heard for that is that it means the death of the relationship. Maybe that's getting off on a technicality, I don't know, but it works for me. It's pretty much archaic, religious wording anyway.

 

 

Well exactly. There is no point to marriage really, so unless done with a her bf naive mindset why would you ever enter a marriage? Unless maybe tax benefits...

[PegNosePete]

Unless maybe tax benefits...

You don't even get that in the UK.

 

The biggest difference is if you split up, the process for division of assets is very different if you're married. But never-married people rarely think about that.

[IHateDustJackets]

StarGurl29

I think you should definitely keep the lines of communications open while he's trying to figure out what he wants to do. I think he'll come around eventually.

[d0nnivain]

Keep talking to your BF. Let him express whatever doubts he has. Remind him that even though you were young, you intended to honor your vows; problem is your EX-H broke them when he hit you. You did the only thing you could at that point -- you left for your own safety. Repeat that to your BF until he understands.

[Absinthe]

Considering you met in your late twenties, it is completely understandable that you would have some "baggage" - most people do at that age! He is being unrealistic if he does not expect you to have any. I doubt his past is squeaky clean!

 

A part of me wonders if he is using it as an excuse because he is dragging his feet about marriage. If that's the case, well, there isn't much you can do beyond sticking to your guns and talking to him about it (without any pressure).

[bubbaganoosh]

 

He says he also wonders about why it only lasted 10 months. He said if I agreed to be with this guy forever, what does it then say about me that I gave up after less then a year and didn't try to make it work. This is hurting because I was young and stupid at the time, but he says I was still an adult at the time and that you can't blame every mistake on being young at the time.

 

How do I make him understand that he is the love of my life? That this marriage would be different?

 

What you have here is a guy who isn't listening or wont listen so what you have to do is this.

 

Sit him down, no TV or any other distractions and tell him that you are a human being, not someones punching bag and your ex hit you.

 

Then ask him if he thinks it OK for you to forgive your ex for beating you up. One punch or slap to a woman is getting beat up and because you take pride in the fact that your not going to let someone abuse you is the reason why you got out of it.

 

I would also let him know that being on the receiving end of abuse is not fun and if he can't understand the reason you gave him then he's not on the same page with you and never will and let him know that maybe it's time that the both of you re evaluate your relationship.

 

Honestly if he can't understand that hitting your wife is so low that a man is considered whale $h!t for doing something like that then he needs to do some serious growing up.

[dragon_fly_7]

I think you need to tell him that you got hit in your marriage and that would make any sane woman file for divorce. Maybe he now doesn't know why your marriage lasted for only 10 months.

 

If he then think a woman should still stay in a marriage where a so called husband does the lowest thing ever, hitting his wife then it's when you dump him as well too.

 

Chris Browns and Ray Rices make me sick to my stomach. It's sick how a man can use his overwhelming physical strength to actually hurt the woman he claims to love and protect. Once in a while this angers me so much that I'm like ''You know what, who cares if she's giving you an attitude or is so rude, you don't freaking hit her and if she's indeed a ratchet instigating the argument and a drama queen, then leave (a gentleman actually dumps those types and finds himself a sweet woman) ''

Edited September 13, 2014 by dragon_fly_7

[TheGuard13]

Is it possible your boyfriend is hesitant because he just found out about this relatively major life event of yours?

 

You said he discovered this"recently", and that you've been dating for several years.

 

Maybe he needs time to process this aspect he didn't know about you.

[Quiet Storm]

I would be patient, but also wary. I'm not saying he won't be back, but what often happens in these "revelation" situations is the person comes back but it's not the same. The reason he's having these feelings is because he sees you differently now. You don't meet the standards that he has for himself. Others can call him unreasonable and unrealistic, stupid and naive, but our opinions won't change his emotions. He is judging you and thinks you're not good enough for him. He may feel betrayed that you left out this huge event in your life. If he does come back, watch out for little changes in the way he treats you and his level of respect for you. What may happen is that he may feel like he settled, and then be upset with himself about that. If he's judging you there will just be a dark cloud over the relationship because it needs mutual respect to thrive and grow. It may be better for you to find someone without these expectations, because he's pretty much telling you that you aren't good enough for him now. Does that change the way you feel about him?

 

Also, I can't imagine how going through what you went through in your first marriage was not shared multiple times in your marriage. Marriage is a big deal, and that experience impacted your life significantly. He may wonder how close and intimate you really are to him, if you never shared that. And then saying you thought you mentioned it must make him think "she doesn't even remember not telling me this?" He may be questioning how well he really knows you.

 

This is why these things should be discussed early on so you aren't wasting years with someone incompatible.

[spiderowl]

I don't think trying to convince or persuade your boyfriend is going to work. This is an unconscious issue on his part, to do with his ideals and expectations. I would wager that if he realised you'd been married before, he would never have dated you. He's really hung up on this. He's pushing this at you. I don't know what's best to save your relationship here but I know what I would do. I'd step back and do something else and let him figure it out. By trying to convince him, you are playing into his paranoia that there's something to worry about.

 

If you had told him and you haven't omitted to tell him and just sprung it on him, you should not have to go any further with your reassurances. This sounds like a game. 'Hey, you are not as perfect as I thought you were', prove you are! Why should you have to?

[ktya]

OP

 

Men and women have different ideas about marriage and "forever".

 

Your guy sounds sort of like me when it comes to his value system.

 

To put it into a different perspective think of the statement girls toss about "once a cheater always a cheater". I am not accusing you of being a cheater; rather I am drawing a parallel.

 

To most guys who share a similar value system to me marriage is FOREVER. It is really hard for a guy to bite the bullet and make the ask (and we have the good fortune of being the ones who have to buy the ring and do the asking) but when he does a guy really means it. The flip side to the coin is that when the woman says yes he expects that she really means it.

 

Todays marital landscape is a wasteland, filled with women filing for divorce over reasons far less signficant than the reason you separated from your now long ex-husband. Your man has known probably many a man who was handed his walking papers, had half his net worth lifted, maybe lost access to his kids and possibly been thrown in jail over a false DV allegation in order to gain the upper hand in a custody proceeding.

 

Your man is concerned that (a) if you say "I do" you might have second thoughts later, and (b) that perhaps you are prone to impulsivity and maybe "I do" doesnt mean as much for you as it does for him.

 

I will tell a little story from a man's perspective.

 

I met this girl in 1999. We did the long distance thing and moved in together in 2002. We lived together until 2008; by that point we were engaged to be married. To everyone around us we seemed to be the most stable, solid couple. Many of our mutual friends looked up to us as the model of how to do it right in a relationship. We rarely fought. She would write me cards talking about how she dreamed of our unborn children.

 

By the time she broke up with me I had caught her having an affair a second time. I had by this time amassed a large box of momentos of sweet thoughtful gifts and notes she had given me over the years. She left me at 5:30am while I slept with little more than a note on the dishwasher. I went to her work with a dozen roses and upon seeing me she looked at me with contempt. I tried to work things out with her and she refused to meet me anywhere not highly public; this was very hurtful because there was no violence or aggression between us, ever.

 

Her friends looked at me with contempt. She treated me in a very condescending manner, as though I was some man child who needed help just to survive. In actuality all I wanted her to do was to be clear as to whether we were going to ever try to get back together again because she kept telling me we werent broken up, we were "separated", I needed to know if I was to remain in a holding pattern or just move on with my life.

 

I heard many a rumour of things I had apparently done that were not true. I was blocked from my now former fiancee's facebook permanently after that day. I talked to her a few times over the following year but at this point I havent had so much as an email from her in now 7 years. I didn't just lose my girlfriend and fiancee, but also my best friend. Spend 9 years with someone and you get pretty enmeshed.

 

Now, why is this relevant to you and your man, with your 10 month failed marriage now getting in the way of you two moving forward?

 

This story is relevant not because I am suggesting you will do to him what my ex did to me. It is relevant because often when a woman "plugs out" or loses interest in a man no matter what sweet things and forward looking statements she said during the relationship everything can turn on a dime. The sisterhood will help the girl "escape" and to "do this for her" and this turning tail and blowing up the relationship. The man can say, "But you said you would love me forever" and this will be dismissed as a mere insignificant conversation in the context of a relationship that WAS going well at the time.

 

This guy thinks of marriage as FOREVER. That means the only way you get out of marriage is to die, hopefully of natural causes. Not as some nice thing you willy nilly get into because you thought it would be fun, or that it might be nice to try out being a wife. If the guy is an alcoholic who hits you, this guy would expect that you would undergo marriage counselling to make it work. Of course there are limits to everything and he, nor I would encourage you to stay in a situation that would put you in danger which it sounds like this ex husband of yours was to some extent.

 

Secondarily, you were married to this guy for only 10 months. 10 months doesnt give much time for a whole lot of "trying" and fortitude to make it work. I've dated girls I didnt even really love for that length of time and ended it because the 10 months zipped by so fast and I didnt want to waste any more time treading water. Your man is concerned that your "staying power" is weak. How devoted and dedicated are you to making things work when times get rough, is what he wonders, when your last "marriage" ended after only 10 months. What if he puts a ring on your finger, times get tough, will you stick around?

 

I am not trying to belittle you, OP, just trying to show you the other perspective. It was absolutely the most emasculating and embarassing thing for me going from being "engaged" to being single. I would bump into family friends who might not have known who ask me how my wedding planning was going which brought the heart wrenching pain all back. I've never been divorced, that would be ten times worse.

 

To get your man to feel comfortable, show him you mean it for the long haul. Dont just do it in how you treat him in the context of your relationship, do it in every aspect of your life. Show him that when you say forever you mean it, and for the love of God, if you do marry him, take the vows seriously.

 

Marriage these days is almost like a fashion fad, they are disposeable. Which is quite sad really. You seem to have lucked out and found an old fashioned guy.

[lollipopspot]

Your man has known probably many a man who was handed his walking papers, had half his net worth lifted, maybe lost access to his kids and possibly been thrown in jail over a false DV allegation in order to gain the upper hand in a custody proceeding.

 

So what? If he thinks she's lying about the domestic violence, they don't belong together.

 

And it's actually more likely to go the other way -

Among false allegations, fathers are far more likely than mothers to make intentionally false accusations (21% compared to 1.3%)

http://www.americanbar.org/content/dam/aba/publishing/cdv_enewsletter/custodymythsandcounter.authcheckdam.pdf

 

Regardless, false accusations are not common, so "many a man" is not correct, although I'm sure many actual abusers claim they are innocent.

False allegations of rape and domestic violence are few and far between | Keir Starmer | Comment is free | theguardian.com

[ktya]

So what? If he thinks she's lying about the domestic violence, they don't belong together.

 

And it's actually more likely to go the other way -

 

http://www.americanbar.org/content/dam/aba/publishing/cdv_enewsletter/custodymythsandcounter.authcheckdam.pdf

 

Regardless, false accusations are not common, so "many a man" is not correct, although I'm sure many actual abusers claim they are innocent.

False allegations of rape and domestic violence are few and far between | Keir Starmer | Comment is free | theguardian.com

 

Bull

 

False Allegations of Domestic Violence are the norm in divorce

 

Men are by far more often victims of false DV allegations especially in divorce contexts. In many instances the man can have a demonstratably visible injury and the woman has no injury at all and it is the man who is leaving the residence in silver bracelets in the back of the police car.

 

Your stats are garbage.

[lollipopspot]

I see claims in your citation, but it's from a clearly biased men's rights association, and I don't see back up sources.

 

My sources link to credible government and academic studies.

 

Try again.

[Woggle]

Men have seen too many men go through the divorce court meat grinder and we see the results so I understand the fears but he is going a little too far. It sounds like you had a good reason to divorce. I was divorced from my first and I wouldn't want anybody to hold it against me.

 

On the other hand I think it is hard to understand for women how the walkaway wife thing has made men terrified of committing to a woman. We afraid we will end up like the discarded men we know.

[ktya]

Men have seen too many men go through the divorce court meat grinder and we see the results so I understand the fears but he is going a little too far. It sounds like you had a good reason to divorce. I was divorced from my first and I wouldn't want anybody to hold it against me.

 

On the other hand I think it is hard to understand for women how the walkaway wife thing has made men terrified of committing to a woman. We afraid we will end up like the discarded men we know.

 

Totally. The walkaway wife thing is almost fashionable these days. If she is walking away from an abusive partner thats one thing, but it seems like they walk just because the marriage has become boring and they want to do something else.

 

and to the lollipop...

 

I myself was on the receiving end of an ex-parte bullsht restraining order. I didnt get my day in court to present that the police actually threatened to charge the woman with public mischief because of her littany of bogus allegations against a long string of men from her past. I had my day in court and eventually not only had it lifted but did manage to get a full blown mutual no contact order so she could stop harassing me. If I had tried the same thing it would have been a laughing stock but she managed to get a restraining order in force for 6 months without a shred of evidence. The site I linked you to was actually a law site not a mens rights group.

 

Try this link instead.

Lawyers alarmed at criminal charges in family cases

[lollipopspot]

No, your link gives anecdotes.

 

My sources cite government statistics and academic studies. Your sources to prove your point give anecdotes.

 

Try again.