The Rules of LC

[missannoyed]

Has anyone else's MM established unspoken LC rules?

 

I need help trying to analyse this cycle so I can break it.

 

Not looking for lectures on NC I'm going to go NC this time for real, and not telling me I should be analysing myself etc but, I just need to know the psychology behind his behaviour first.

 

 

We were full ea, almost PA a few times, than NC for an entire year, then EA, now its LC - and this is the ongoing cycle

 

1.) It always starts off with him initiating conversation and me trying to remain civil and neutral... He will continue to say or ask certain inappropriate things that will always

trigger a response from me. He will continue this until I stop being professional and passive.

 

2.) I stupidly give him a reaction that he is looking for ie attention

 

3.) He then has the audacity to tell me off or call me demanding and ignore me for weeks for the attention that he was trying to gain in the first place.

 

4.) Asks to catch up for lunch out of the blue, I always deny, he carries on until I give in and meet up with him as usual

 

5.) At lunch he says things like "what are we doing" I'm not that kind of guy. I'm only here because I really really like you in a romantic way.

 

6.) I then decide, if he admits his feelings then usually a few days afterwards I will tell him I like him, and he will act like its all one sided, saying we are only friends and that he doesn't see me in that way at all. And that lunch was only professional/friendly.

 

He some how forgets or pretends all the things he said about wanting to book a hotel room. And he acts like I'm a stalker or something and calls me "demanding".

 

The only reason I let him treat me so badly is stupidly in hopes that we can become friends like we use to be with no romantic attachment.

 

He says that's what he wants and that its my fault for always liking him too much. But he forgets that when I act civil towards him, he is the one that chases.

 

He's either heavily in denial about his mood swing feelings or just trying to gain an ego stroke.

 

The thing that messes me up the most is......(and I know this is going to sound egotistical, vapid and pretentious) and i am not up myself at all but......I'm way out of his league. He is much much older and I'm in my early 20s and he's quite average looking - and he acts like his out of my league? It's a very strange role reversal. And for some reason we both bounce off each other in a negative way.

 

How is it, such unattractive old guys can be so brutally mean, when they should be grateful for even having a chance??? It's confusing

[bentleychic]

How is it, such unattractive old guys can be so brutally mean, when they should be grateful for even having a chance??? It's confusing

 

Because you let him get away with it and keep coming back for more? If you didn't let him come back in to your life, he wouldn't be able to continue doing so.

 

He sounds narcissistic.

[whichwayisup]

How is it, such unattractive old guys can be so brutally mean, when they should be grateful for even having a chance??? It's confusing

 

Chance at what? He's married.

 

You're confused. He is using you and you've been letting him treat you so poorly. It's an ego feed, a game to him. He loves the chase, then you react, he can do a 180 and ignore you. He loves that he can manipulate you and say certain things knowing full well you'll react and cave. Then he laughs and walks away.

 

GET MAD and say F-U to him. Be done for good.

 

All the answers are actually in your opening post. Read what you wrote.

[HBIC]

Ugh. SMH.

 

Please decide what you want in life. Some old, unattractive, married guy is treating you like dirt to get his jollies and YOU ARE ALLOWING IT. Why?

 

If you started to value yourself and your precious time on this earth you would not entertain these games. Your energy would be better spent with some 20-something guy you could actually build a healthy future with. But first, and this is important, you MUST figure out why you feel so poorly about yourself that you are making the CHOICE to play stupid reindeer games with an old, mean guy.

 

I know I'm being harsh, but I'm also trying to help you see that YOU are making decisions here that are causing you self-harm.

 

Other posters nailed it: old dude is a manipulative narcissist. Google "narcissistic abuse." It's sick s***. Most of the OWs/fOWs here (including myself) are/were suffering from it.

 

You want to go LC? Fine, but remember this is a game you won't ever win. Narcissists do not care about anyone but themselves. Period.

 

This post spoke to me because I have to deal with my xMM in professional contexts for now and it is kicking up some PTSD for me. Do yourself a big favor and find ways to make LC extreme LC.

Edited September 12, 2014 by HBIC

[loveboid]

The relationship itself that you have with him is pulling your self esteem down. Even if you had high self esteem before, this game wears it down.

[Poppy47]

what you need is total and uncompromising NO CONTACT. Limited contact is playing games on both sides. It always ends up the same way.

For the love of God, get rid of this creep.

Poppy

[whatatangledweb]

 

The only reason I let him treat me so badly is stupidly in hopes that we can become friends like we use to be with no romantic attachment.

 

 

Hon,

You don't need a friend like this. Someone who screws with your head and heart is an enemy. Friends bring you up, they make you feel better, they care how you feel.

 

LC means different things to different people. Some do less talking, emailing , texting. Some do all that but no more actually seeing each other in person. What he is doing is not LC is is just playing with your head. Almost like he wants you to think you are going crazy.

[Popsicle]

Rules? There are no rules or guidelines in A's. That's why everybody's so confused.

[hippetyhop]

The rules of LC: wean into NC/end the A.

I’m in the process of doing that and it is much better this way.

 

When your A goes to LC guess what- it’s over. It is all over. What is left? A couple of laughs and smiles, and then going back to LC? It will never bounce back as an A how it was. You want that. You want your A to be how it was prior to any suspicions, etc. Guess what. It won’t be. What reason is he giving you for LC? Despite what he says, you need to cut ties since he’s too afraid to do so.

 

I’ve been up/down big time with MM. At the beginning of the A, he told me ‘don’t ignore me as I get enough of that at home.’ What happened? Wife eventually caught wind/ got suspicious, then the A ended/restarted/A/LC/NC/LC. He came to me at his convenience when our A went LC. That is what LC is. It is THEIR way of being able to talk to you at THEIR convenience. An A is based on THEIR needs- not yours. What kind of R is that? It’s not. Take control. It’s better to end it on a good note than a huge Dday eruption. Those aren’t fun.

MM texted me last night after being MIA for 9 days. He said, “Hi. How have you been?” I didn’t text back. I’m not going to, but I want to. What for? For the same mundane reasons? I made it this far. He was able to keep me waiting and guessing when I’d hear from him. He doesn’t deserve an answer.

 

 

The only way he MAY deserve an answer/reply from me is if he can tell me more than ‘hey how are you.’ One day mine shut me out emotionally “based on his own design.” Those were his words. I was more hurt by that than anything. Now, I’m the one moving on emotionally.

 

Turns out my MM is going through MC and still wanted to be ‘friends’. After I found that out, I took the big LC/NC step. No initiation by me. I wouldn’t text him back one night and I got an “C’mon, please talk to me.” He knows my stance.

 

He sent me that text last night to keep me on the hook. Why though? It doesn’t serve either one of us a purpose. He can’t focus on his M during MC and its keeping me from meeting someone great.

 

I was talking to a guy friend about this. He flat out told me (as everyone here does) that nothing won’t change since YOU allow this cycle to continue. For some reason, it was different hearing it live for him. I’m giving him a real reason to miss me as I was always at his beck and call.

 

No matter what you do during LC, it won’t change. It’ll just drag the ending out further. The sooner you realize it’s never going to go back to the way it was, the sooner you will move on.

 

Give him time. Give him space. Don’t respond to LC nudges. During that time, focus on you. I’ve learned the hard way that Rule #1 is never to be #2.

 

I’m sorry I chimed in about my own account—but the LC is parallel to what you’re going through. I’m just showing you how I’m ending it.

[OffRail]

 

How is it, such unattractive old guys can be so brutally mean, when they should be grateful for even having a chance??? It's confusing

 

How is it ? It is because he know that he can. YOU tolerate his hot-and-cold behaviour. You are always there, ready for the crumbs, ready for even the smallest chance to be with / around him. Since you settle for the breadcrumbs, that is all you will get. Crumbs.

 

If you want to spend the prime of your life lusting after an old geezer who likes to mess with your head, you are making a bad choice. There is someone out there you will truly benefit from investing your time, energy and emotions on.

 

This guy is not only not in your league, but also he isn't even in the same Universe as your league. Dump his ass and stop responding to his provocations. You deserve better and he knows it, too. All you are now to him is a source of MASSIVE - and I do mean MASSIVE - ego strokes.

[Quiet Storm]

The thing that messes me up the most is......(and I know this is going to sound egotistical, vapid and pretentious) and i am not up myself at all but......I'm way out of his league. He is much much older and I'm in my early 20s and he's quite average looking - and he acts like his out of my league? It's a very strange role reversal. And for some reason we both bounce off each other in a negative way.

 

How is it, such unattractive old guys can be so brutally mean, when they should be grateful for even having a chance??? It's confusing

 

Because he doesn't value you.

 

You sound confident in your looks, and logically know you are worthy of more. Yet you engage with a married guy. He has been around the block a long time. He probably assumes you have low self worth because you didn't shut him down. Many women would be turned off or feel disrespected by a married guy hitting on them. But you give him attention anyway. He knows looks, youth , confidence, success has nothing to do with what women will accept and tolerate. Many beautiful and successful young women accept less than what they deserve in a relationship, and he noticed that over the years. He knows you will respond, and exploits it.

 

He wants you at his convenience and you accommodate him. You are worth much more than this, but your actions don't send that message to him. Don't respond anymore. He will be persistent because you have given in to his persistence before. See it for what it is-manipulation- and refuse to be his target. Ignore him, not to create a reaction in him, but because he is not a good guy for you and you need to detach. As an adult, it's up to you to protect yourself from people that have the potential to emotionally harm you. He doesn't have your best interests at heart, so you should just cut him off totally. He is not your friend.