Success after taking a break

[emeraldiz]

How old are you, what do you want for your future and what has he offered to meet that in that future together?

 

 

I will only speak about my experience. I started the break and not as an ultimatum, I just needed to move on. He came back promising the stars and the moon. A few months later he spoke to a lawyer, told her about the divorce...went to MC. We have been NC for two years. I could have had some a back as there was no disclosure, or some friendship. Not my cup of tea.

 

 

What you need to do after this break is plan for what if...what of he won't be a part of your real life. Also be prepared to see reality of he comes back promising you what you want. He needs to follow through or you'll be stuck for many more years as the other while he's buying a new house, having a new baby, lining up a new OW or whatnot.

 

We are both middle-aged and have grown children, so there won't be anymore babies. For me, marrying him would not be a requirement. But I would want an exclusive relationship. I have considered resuming the relationship as it was because I really do love him and miss him terribly. Maybe it wouldn't really make any difference in his decision to divorce. If the marriage is that miserable, he should be getting a divorce with or without me in the picture. I just feel like taking a break may have been a big mistake on my part. Now I don't know if he will come back to me at all.

 

Did your MM stay married? Is that why you are still NC?

[William]

As it appears polite requests from moderation do little around here, I'll strengthen things a bit.

 

If members have attempted to have a relationship after a break, share your personal successes and failures. Refrain from preaching to the thread starter or projecting your own experiences upon them. They can make their own decisions and reach their own conclusions.

 

Failure to do so will result in moderation or removal. Thanks!

 

Edited to add that the threadjack referred to above is now located in its own thread in OM/OW:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/493562-protecting-marriage-when-affair

 

If the designated author of that thread would like it re-titled, simply alert on the post and request it.

Edited September 13, 2014 by William
Moved posts.

[hippetyhop]

I just feel like taking a break may have been a big mistake on my part. Now I don't know if he will come back to me at all.

 

 

A lot of us have these questions, and this is probably a reason NC is often broke. You won't know til the time comes re. whether or not he will come back. I have the same questions. Others have the same questions. Question for you: have you ever given him a chance to really miss you?

 

The break will likely do both parties good. Gain yourself some clarity and breathing room. You don't know what the break may bring for YOU. Isn't that why you took it? Take this time to reflect on the situation.

[emeraldiz]

A lot of us have these questions, and this is probably a reason NC is often broke. You won't know til the time comes re. whether or not he will come back. I have the same questions. Others have the same questions. Question for you: have you ever given him a chance to really miss you?

 

The break will likely do both parties good. Gain yourself some clarity and breathing room. You don't know what the break may bring for YOU. Isn't that why you took it? Take this time to reflect on the situation.

 

Well, I'm not really sure how long that would take. We agreed to this break at the end of January and it would last 6 months. We agreed to talk again at the end of July. There were a few texts during the break and one phone call from him after 3 months. We did meet and talk at the end of July, but nothing was really decided. Since then he has been avoiding my calls. I think that is what is really bothering me. I don't know if he considers us still on a break or if it's over in his mind. When we talked we both said we didn't want to end it, but then why is he avoiding me now?

[carhill]

I know there are several posters here who have gone on to marry their AP. I was wondering how that came about for you. I am especially wondering if any of you split up, at least temporarily, and then got back together.

 

My story is a long one, but for now I will just say that after many years as the OW I finally told my MM that I do not intend to be a married man's girlfriend forever. After several discussions we decided to take a break for a few months so we could each have some space and time to think it through. We agreed on a date to talk again. I really miss him and want this to work out for us and I'm wondering what experiences other people have had. I know every relationship is different, but I just need to hear other people's stories right now.

OP, the main difference, besides gender, in my anecdote was that my MW and I said our mutual goodbyes after eight years and didn't agree to any future meeting and it would be another 14 years before I contacted her, with our roles essentially reversed, as I had been single prior and was then married and she became single in the interim and was at the time.

 

We gave the dynamic a couple years to grow or fade and ultimately it faded of its own accord but not before I came to better know her, get to know the babies she had talked so much about in the past, now of course adults with families of their own and 'finish' our business of a couple decades prior. We had each followed our own life paths and, while there was certainly some tension of the romantic sort still there, I at least (no knowledge of what was in her mind) accepted that the past was the past and our future would be best served as separate entities and not a couple. I recall that last interaction, as we picked up our bags off the carousel at the airport after returning from visiting her daughter and knew we'd hug, say goodbye and that would be that. It was. I hope life has treated her well.

 

So, while not a 'success' in the sense of becoming a 'till death do us part' partnership, I feel it was a success in completing part of life's journey, even if it departed from those 'plans' of youth.

 

Your path will be your own. One aspect I found helpful was something our psychologist helped me with in MC, that being to accept the real, including the reality of who people are. Prior, I was too 'wishful' and gave too many benefits of the doubt. Now I simply accept things as they are and, if not healthy for myself, address them and/or move on. Good luck!

[GettingOver]

We did meet and talk at the end of July, but nothing was really decided. Since then he has been avoiding my calls. I think that is what is really bothering me. I don't know if he considers us still on a break or if it's over in his mind. When we talked we both said we didn't want to end it, but then why is he avoiding me now?

I believe that A could be exhausting for a man as well - constant lying and having a double life, at least my xMM seemed emotionally tired of it as well. Also he feels that this decision that was supposed to "appear" during the break never did and he is responsible for this decision. And as long as there is no decision he is probably thinking that you would keep pushing him and he is therefore avoiding it. Maybe during this time period he recognized that though he is missing you and loves you he got used to the way it is and he is not sure whether to go back to "drama" or not. How was your relationship before this break? Were you satisfied other than him being married? Did you get enough attention, did he manage to meet your needs?...

Actually, you can just ask him why is he avoiding you and if he wants to continue the way it was. The thing is that you will still be unhappy being No.2 and the last priority and you will again come to the point of having a break... It happened to me twice. Long term affairs as far as I can see always survive multiple break ups...

[emeraldiz]

I believe that A could be exhausting for a man as well - constant lying and having a double life, at least my xMM seemed emotionally tired of it as well. Also he feels that this decision that was supposed to "appear" during the break never did and he is responsible for this decision. And as long as there is no decision he is probably thinking that you would keep pushing him and he is therefore avoiding it. Maybe during this time period he recognized that though he is missing you and loves you he got used to the way it is and he is not sure whether to go back to "drama" or not. How was your relationship before this break? Were you satisfied other than him being married? Did you get enough attention, did he manage to meet your needs?...

Actually, you can just ask him why is he avoiding you and if he wants to continue the way it was. The thing is that you will still be unhappy being No.2 and the last priority and you will again come to the point of having a break... It happened to me twice. Long term affairs as far as I can see always survive multiple break ups...

 

Our relationship before the break was great, with the exception of his marital status. We have always gotten along, we were emotionally intimate well before anything physical happened. There was a great connection between us.

 

I know he feels pressure from me to make a decision. He has said that if it wasn't for a legal mistake that he made years ago with his business he would have been divorced then and we would not be in this position now. I think there is a lot of guilt about that. Maybe he is avoiding me until he can make a decision without pressure.

 

I would like to ask him why he is avoiding me, but that would require that he answer the phone, which he apparently doesn't want to do right now. If I knew that he was avoiding me because he needed some time and space to make his decision, I would be okay with that. When I needed space, he agreed to a break, so I would do the same for him. What makes this so hard is that he won't tell me what is going on.

[GettingOver]

Our relationship before the break was great, with the exception of his marital status. We have always gotten along, we were emotionally intimate well before anything physical happened. There was a great connection between us.

 

I know he feels pressure from me to make a decision. He has said that if it wasn't for a legal mistake that he made years ago with his business he would have been divorced then and we would not be in this position now. I think there is a lot of guilt about that. Maybe he is avoiding me until he can make a decision without pressure.

 

I would like to ask him why he is avoiding me, but that would require that he answer the phone, which he apparently doesn't want to do right now. If I knew that he was avoiding me because he needed some time and space to make his decision, I would be okay with that. When I needed space, he agreed to a break, so I would do the same for him. What makes this so hard is that he won't tell me what is going on.

 

How long is your A?...

Me and xMM also had a very deep connection, communication, intimate relationsip before break No.1 and it never was the same afterwards... I do not know why - from my side it was the same, but he changed. He never said ILY any more and I was pushing our communication, initiated that we see each other, etc. (he would be all shining and deeply involved for the first week or two) It was very painful. Basically this was the reason of break up No. 2 and No.3 because I felt unappreciated and taken for granted.

Why did you need a break if everything was so good? I guess being in limbo and being uncomfortable with the fact that he is married even though everything else is ok?

In any case, do not regret or blame yourself for taking this break. Being the OW is a hard work...

[veryhappy]

I am sorry to be the one to say it, but if he's not on life support in a hospital or a lion ate him at the zoo, you need to take a hint. Cheating men are notoriously coward around here, and the fact that he said he'd call and didn't and now is avoiding your calls... he's committing to his marriage and hoping he doesn't have to deal with you and your anger for promising you things that would never happen. Men cope by pitting stuff in a box and leaving the box outside. You are out of sight, out of mind and whenever you get into his mind he tries to focus on all the reasons why being with a cheating woman like you is a bad idea.

 

 

You are wasting time. I suggest you confront the dude to put your mind at ease and snap out of denial.

 

 

 

 

I can only assume my exMOM is still very married. I don't see how he would have divorced after all the family and not wanting to give up on the wife talk.

 

 

 

 

You need to read more of this board and keep your feet into reality because it will hurt like nothing else. Betrayal hurts like nothing else and you'll feel betrayed.

 

 

Also, i recommend you don't go back to the a. Once you reached that point of wanting a r, the good from the a diminishes in time more and more and you are left in a worse situation every time. It's very destructive. Again, read around here starting all the way back to see how people's stories evolved.

[carhill]

I would like to ask him why he is avoiding me, but that would require that he answer the phone, which he apparently doesn't want to do right now.

 

This is where acceptance comes in, accepting that he is avoiding contact, and his reasons and processes are his and his alone, unknown to all others. You can choose to accept this as the real or you can choose to dwell on it and the myriad of possibilities and scenarios and psychological machinations. You always have choices.

 

I recall choosing to dwell on the possible and the potential and the uncertain and the unknown and it greatly inhibited my ability to move on and form healthy relationships back in my 20's. At the time, it didn't occur that choices were available, as 'love' seemed immutable and pervasive and accepting the real would have meant abandoning all I felt I held dear at the time. Of course, time and more experience would teach lessons about choices.

 

IMO, when two people really want to be together, they will both be equally diligent and motivated to succeed in that goal. There will be no ambiguity, no wondering, no unanswered questions. Since the future is unknown, the real of the now is continuing on with life and seeing what happens. Anything is possible.

[emeraldiz]

How long is your A?...

Me and xMM also had a very deep connection, communication, intimate relationsip before break No.1 and it never was the same afterwards... I do not know why - from my side it was the same, but he changed. He never said ILY any more and I was pushing our communication, initiated that we see each other, etc. (he would be all shining and deeply involved for the first week or two) It was very painful. Basically this was the reason of break up No. 2 and No.3 because I felt unappreciated and taken for granted.

Why did you need a break if everything was so good? I guess being in limbo and being uncomfortable with the fact that he is married even though everything else is ok?

In any case, do not regret or blame yourself for taking this break. Being the OW is a hard work...

 

The A has been over a decade. I asked for a break because he is still married. I finally told him that I was not going to be a married man's girlfriend forever. This bothered him when I said it, but I don't think he really believed me. Taking a break was the only way I knew to let him know I was serious. He may have seen that as an ultimatum and has some resentment.

[GettingOver]

Also, i recommend you don't go back to the a. Once you reached that point of wanting a r, the good from the a diminishes in time more and more and you are left in a worse situation every time. It's very destructive. Again, read around here starting all the way back to see how people's stories evolved.

 

This is so true!!!!

[GettingOver]

The A has been over a decade. I asked for a break because he is still married. I finally told him that I was not going to be a married man's girlfriend forever. This bothered him when I said it, but I don't think he really believed me. Taking a break was the only way I knew to let him know I was serious. He may have seen that as an ultimatum and has some resentment.

OMG, really... And during the whole decade you wanted just one break?... Have you been married before or during this decade?...Was it really good the whole decade - like him being affectionate, giving enough time and attention to you?...

Anyways, I guess when you talked you told him that you wanted to have a break and not giving him an ultimatum. I guess he understood that. The reason he is not answering is that he doesn't want to answer... It doesn't really matter why. If he wanted you back immediately he would be running to you righ now without you calling him.

If you want to hear the answer - find him and corner him. After a decade you deserve to at least hear answers.

Btw, I remember when I gave my MM time to think for a month about how to proceed till his kids reach 18, he started also avoiding me at some point, cancelled meetings, etc. I was going crazy. One evening when he cancelled the date due to work I guss, I went to his office and I cried and asked what was going on. He said that he has so much going on in his life, busy-busy, no time for anything, just work and sleeping.

The next day i received an email from him saying that he was is gonna do MC with the wife at his own initiative. The reason he was avoiding me is that he made a decision that would make me very unhappy and he did not know how to say this. It was also something very unexpected to me cause he always said he is there for the kids and never planned to improve his relationship with the wife.

Edited September 13, 2014 by GettingOver

[Got it]

Thanks, Got It. I know every relationship is different. Just because it worked out for you doesn't mean it will for me. But it helps to look at what other people have experienced. Do you think taking a break made a difference? It seems like that let him know you were serious, which is what I am trying to do.

 

It wasn't about forcing his hand or forcing/manipulating any actions from him. And I think this is the problem when people break up, go NC, etc. You are doing it as an attempt to control another's actions. That doesn't happen.

 

For me, we had agreed on a year time line at the very beginning. In fact I recapped the conversation in writing and sent to him so we had a point of reference later on. It also went over other expectations that both parties had for the relationship, communication, interactions, etc. I am very literal and analytical so writing down made sure that we clearly understood the other. But I also know that it didn't lock any party into holding true to it, it was a guiding point, or at the very least a way to disprove the "I didn't know" argument for either person.

 

So anyway, I digress. We came up to the year and he hadn't fully moved things forward. I knew to be true to myself that I only wanted to commit a year. If he couldn't make that work, that was on him, but I agreed to it and not a moment sooner or later. So anyway we came to the deadline, he was making progress but there was then a dday. To me I realized that he had everything blowing up at home and trying to handle both ends was going to be near impossible. For he completely underestimated her response. He had assumed since she had had an affair that while she wasn't going to be okay with things had never really reconciled with him so wasn't going to be that big of a deal. I thought he was making a poor assumption and told him so months earlier. But we all walk our own paths and things were pretty chaotic.

 

So, we were at the end of our timeline, things blowing up at home, and he was floundering. So I walked. He needed to figure things out at home, decide where he wanted to be, and get off the fence. I also didn't want to go into actively deceiving his wife, be apart of any gaslighting, etc if that were to start taking place. He was honest about the affair and answered most/all her questions about it.

 

So I moved forward painfully and with many tears into a future without him. My thought process, I was moving forward if he caught up fast enough then maybe the door would still be open for him, but at any moment that door could shut and it would be too late. My life was not on hold for him. And it wasn't. I dated some (too soon but funny stories and made one friend out of it), spent time with myself, friends and family, and focused on me. I did want what he felt was best for him but I did not want limbo. So not making a decision is a decision. And we all have to own our actions and decisions. But I did/do care about him and want him happy however that was.

 

He did separate and contacted me a few months later. We started dating and eventually married a few years later. We didn't rush that stage, didn't rush meeting the kids, etc.

 

Every situation is different and what each party needs, wants, and expects will vary. My recommendation is do what is best for you. Have the expectations down that fit with your needs. And hold true to them. We need to be our own best advocate. I think there is some wiggle room for compromise but understand we can't wish someone into something. They are going to walk their own path and sometimes it lines up with us and sometimes it doesn't. And that is okay. But don't sit on the sidelines wait for someone to show the way. So whatever that means for you, follow that.

 

I will say, side note, the affair was ten times easier than what became an out in the open relationship that became long distance. Hands down the hardest part of the relationship. Now that was rough going and I was not a happy camper! I am not looking to be in someone's back pocket but halfway across the country is just hard. :laugh:

[Popsicle]

Sorry not the case at all. I love when people speak for everyone else and for every other situation.

 

My experience: We were in an affair, broke up after we hit my timeline as well a subsequent dday while he was discussing divorce. We were broken up for a few months, they separated and divorced. We eventually married.

 

OP- There are no hard and fast rules. Figure out what works for you, what you can and can't accept and go from there. Know that if you break up and he does come back, you may not want him. You can't predict the future. Look at today for guidance and direction. And know, no matter what, you will be okay.

 

Were you still in contact with your MM while you were broken up?

[Popsicle]

There's Brad and Angelina. They always look so in love still to this day.

[Got it]

It varied between LC and very LC. The idea was to move on with my life and I was not there to be a band aid for him either. He was now in the big kid pool and needed to sink or swim. I gave him a year that was cake eating, absolutely. But that wasn't my purpose in the relationship. But going from seeing each other every day, multiple overnights a week, talking all the time, it is hard to go cold turkey. So I talked to him when I needed to talk to him, I didn't when I didn't need to/couldn't. Pretty much at that point how he felt didn't really factor it. I cared about how I felt, mourning the relationship and moving on. I knew he loved me, I knew I loved him, but love isn't enough and I was coming to peace with that. I also didn't believe that my life as a spinster started at that point, that there would be no one else for me. Maybe I have been naive in that thinking, as I have not dated a lot, but my "batting average" is very good I think. So based on that line of thinking, knowing that I am a pretty good partner, not perfect by any stretch but I definitely bring value, that the probability of being in another relationship was fairly good. I knew that what I experienced with him though set a bar I didn't know about prior, that the level I loved him far surpassed anything I had felt. But I knew I would/could love again.

 

And the same holds true now I guess. I love my husband beyond words and it deepens every day. I knew during the affair I was seeing/experiencing something amazing and it was just a glimmer of what could be. And I am so blessed to have been able to continue to experience it. He is so amazing and just so much fun. We drive each other crazy, and he gets on my nerves, but I wouldn't change it for the world. My life is richer because of him.

 

But I know that both of us would do fine if we weren't together. I know he is a fantastic partner and would do well with others as would I. I hope to never experience that but the reality is what it is.

 

I am a pretty emotional person, and have a fiery temper. I have worked hard both professionally and personally to really look at the differences between perception and reality and seeing the differences. Not losing sight of one's self.

 

I think the one thing the affair taught me is to be my own advocate. I also learned a lot about myself, human nature, and have to say I came out of far more humble person and far more realistic about myself. I saw things that I didn't like and I didn't want to repeat.

 

Unlike what gets discussed here, I think in an affair you see a lot of a person, or at least that is what I experienced. I saw a rawer, probably a more unflattering side of my MM/husband that if we had just been dating. You see that person in a highly stressful time that does not always bring out the best in the person. You see how they handle communication, conflict resolution, decision making, and if you try and wipe the blur of emotions from one's eyes you get a very real and raw look at the person with all their warts and imperfections. For us, it was more of an accelerated evolution than a traditional dating scenario would be.

 

Make no mistake, I do not think that we are in some soul mate, star crossed lovers scenario where we are destined to have a happily ever after. We work hard every day to keep this relationship nurtured and developed, to accept each other's foibles and our own. I think what we learned in our past marriages is there is no resting on one's laurels. This takes work. A lot of work. And a lot of partnering to make it work for both parties. I think exposure to our affair, and others affairs, have show how fragile and tenuous marriage/love/fidelity can be if each party isn't actively advocating for it. How easy that slippery slope can be. How easy it is to think in "I", to count hurts and resentments, how to keep score. That behavior, that detachment, that separation is what starts the slippery slope to the affair. And life is full of those crossroads.There are opportunities every day to head down that path. I am in awe of those that are happily married for a decent length and have figured out how to navigate those paths. Who have figured out how to have both partners continue to be their marriage's own best advocates. It isn't something you can control in the other party, you can necessarily see when they start slipping, or predict when that might be. Even in a long marriage, the other party is still not a fully known entity. We still have pieces, sides, that are kept back. In fact how well do we even know ourselves. We continue to be a mystery, continue to surprise even ourselves. If that is the case, what chance do we have to know our partner?

 

Anyway a long rambling on a very early morning with limited caffeine and sleep.

[adna89]

So you should have talked in July? now is september,soon october,still nothing from him

 

This is his way of telling you there is not going to be a relatinship with you, or divorce,just accept it.

 

It is hard after 10 years...but you knew he was married...and you knew most men never leave their wives for their ow