8 weeks serious courting to other woman in days. .

[Suzie81]

Hi. I will try and keep this short. I started dating a wonderful man. We met online but had many friends in common. He courted me hard core for 7 weeks. He was a perfect gentleman. We waited 7 weeks to sleep togeyher. He was talking about the future. We had meaningful conversations. Out of nowhere he went MIA. he met someone else. He said he fell super hard for her in DAYS and wanted to be exclusive with her. We hadn't had that convo yet. He's 38. I'm 33. New girl is 25.

 

He had read the book Attatchment styles and defined himself as very anxious. I'm pretty sure I didn't give him the constant attention he needed and he didn't knkw how I really felt. My guess is new girl was giving that to him. But he wants a life. And a family. And she's 25. And I thought we were going in the same direction. I'd like to get him back. I told him how I felt when we broke up. That I was sorry I wasn't more clear how into him I was and that I was sad but he had to do what he had to do. Within a week of meeting her they are favebook official and going crazy. I am trying to not contact him. And of course he wants to remain friends.

 

I need advice. How do I eventually make him see that she's too young and he made a mistake? He is definetly an anxious style attachment. As am I. (If you've read that book). Anywys I'm not an idiot. I know to let him be and not contact him

 

 

He's clearly in some honeymoon obsession phase with new girl but does anyone have any other advice? I'd like to eventually get him back. My current plan is to live my life. Date. Not delete him off social media, try my hardest not to stalk his online presence w this chick. And just be kind and patient. Am I missing some other actions I could be taking? Also - because I'm aware he needs a lot of attention and affirmation, should maybe I said a few weeks, let the dust settle, then email him a genuine email telling him that I miss him and how I feel? I know most people say men don't like that. Play hard to get. But I'm positive THATS why I lost him in the first place. He's very emotional. Open. Needy. Please help.

Edited September 13, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs an moved to BBU

[Mister Zen]

To put things in perspective.. how many guys did you do this to in your 20's?

 

I remember being in my teens and 20's thinking I've met the most wonderful girl in the world.. then she friend zones me so she can go date some Jock, frat boy or old creeper with shiny consumer goods and a fat wallet. And of course I say to myself..things like: "But he is too old. He is too much of a jerk. He doesn't deserve her."

 

Well.. in this stage of life things start to flip around and women increasingly experience what young men experienced. Now the young men are older and getting chased by younger women.

 

It happens.

[doeblin]

So are you content with being Plan B?

You need to work on your self-esteem.

 

 

 

This is what you need to do:

I know to let him be and not contact him.

My current plan is to live my life. Date.

Edited September 12, 2014 by doeblin

[Omei]

He wants to be with someone else just forget about him. If hes that easily swayed in such a short time after being with you its prob best you find someone better.

[Suzie81]

Nope. Didn't do that in my 20's. I was in a 10 yr relationship in my 20's.

 

That's all you got people? "Plan B" isn't what's happening here. What's happening is he is weak and fell into the trap of a kid who have him the affirmation and attention that made him feel like a king. It's not real. And I can't believe no one has any better advice. I mean yeah I have self esteem and ego and that's all bruised but I kinda think he made a mistake and we'd be really. Really. Good together. I'm not gonna contact him. Or be pathetic. I'm living my life. But in the case where I really think he made a mistake...is there nothing I can do? Even long term? No one agrees that after awhile, if I still feel this way, that I shojldnt tell him??

[doeblin]

Nope. Didn't do that in my 20's. I was in a 10 yr relationship in my 20's.

 

That's all you got people? "Plan B" isn't what's happening here. What's happening is he is weak and fell into the trap of a kid who have him the affirmation and attention that made him feel like a king. It's not real. And I can't believe no one has any better advice. I mean yeah I have self esteem and ego and that's all bruised but I kinda think he made a mistake and we'd be really. Really. Good together. I'm not gonna contact him. Or be pathetic. I'm living my life. But in the case where I really think he made a mistake...is there nothing I can do? Even long term? No one agrees that after awhile, if I still feel this way, that I shojldnt tell him??

 

 

Okay, okay. You write him a heartfelt letter. He reads the letter & he breaks down crying, realizing he's on the wrong path and wants to get back together with you. You let him back.

 

What's the guarantee this ain't gonna happen again a few years from now?

 

It happens again. You write another heartfelt letter. You get back together again. Then a few years later he leaves again. And again. And then you find yourself age 55, still chasing this guy.

 

 

If you go no contact & date other guys, he might come back begging. Or better yet, you find someone worthwhile.

 

There is only one sensible path I can see.

 

And why do you want to be with an emotionally weak person anyway?

[Toodaloo]

Nope. Didn't do that in my 20's. I was in a 10 yr relationship in my 20's.

 

That's all you got people? "Plan B" isn't what's happening here. What's happening is he is weak and fell into the trap of a kid who have him the affirmation and attention that made him feel like a king. It's not real. And I can't believe no one has any better advice. I mean yeah I have self esteem and ego and that's all bruised but I kinda think he made a mistake and we'd be really. Really. Good together. I'm not gonna contact him. Or be pathetic. I'm living my life. But in the case where I really think he made a mistake...is there nothing I can do? Even long term? No one agrees that after awhile, if I still feel this way, that I shojldnt tell him??

 

No what is happening here is that you fell for a guy who liked you a lot but has found someone else he likes more. Now you want to stalk him and change him so he likes you more... Don't bother.

 

Take him off your Facebook. Go "No Contact". And for goodness sake take your own advice and find someone that treats you as though you are the most wonderful person in the world and not just an option.

 

Instead of worrying about this guy you should be working on your self esteem and getting stronger.

 

The reason why you are getting this advice is that we have all been there. All done that and all suffered while trying to "get the guy/ gal". We have also all realized that a healthy relationship that stands the test of time and is good for both parties involves input from both parties. This guy will wear you down and make you miserable. Even if he does come back you will have that niggle in the back of your head asking "Am I good enough" "Is he going to find some one better"... You will end up exhausted and that is no fun at all.

[Emilia]

My guess is that the 25 year-old slept with him quite quickly and he got hooked. The thing is OP, he clearly didn't feel the attachment to you after all this time and he didn't find it difficult to switch his attentions to someone else. Maybe he isn't looking for anything serious after all, despite what he told you. Either way, he made his choices and you need to move on.

[Poppygoodwill]

I agree. It happens too often that women (and I'm speaking from experience) try to come up with reasons why a guy is non-committal or backs away or doesn't call or breaks up....when really we're trying too hard not to face the uncomfortable fact: he's just not that into you.

 

Why that is doesn't even matter really. It's true: if after such a short time, in what should be the infatuated part of your relationship, he's so easily distracted, *then he was never really as into you as you think he was*.

 

It sucks to face it, but it's true. You assume it was so incredible with him, but obviously he didn't feel the same way.

 

You've got to lick your wounds, accept it and move on. Sorry.

[Ninjainpajamas]

He's 38...she's 25..that's not something that comes around very often for most guys. She's still young and he can plan a family life and future without having to feel the pressure or worries, in fact he is likely to steam this full speed ahead.

 

With you it seemed he liked you enough but you're really making way too many excuses for him and seeing this from a very biased perspective...you're taking responsibility for his actions claiming you could have changed it by simply giving him more attention and affection...but you're not seeing the bigger picture of how men are...she's 25, she's young, she probably gave it up a lot easier and is open to a lot more things...he doesn't have to be mature and adult as much as he has to do with a woman his own age, he can throw himself into that youthful lustful free-spirited romantic phase with ease and he's going to eat it up like a fat kid on his favorite cake.

 

You really shouldn't sit back and wait, and become willing his second choice. It's screaming that you've got your own issues, and his running away and unavailability/loss of interest seems to have triggered a reaction you to chase after him.

 

You don't understand men at all, you really should move on for your own good...at best you will be the back-up option and he's likely to lose interest easily again...he seems to be looking for something and someone else, which is why he bailed so quickly once he saw that opportunity...don't think he was so into because of all the reasons you convince yourself of...you are not a man and do not know this guy, that's painfully clear, you're caught up in your own fantasy.

[Diezel]

Nope. Didn't do that in my 20's. I was in a 10 yr relationship in my 20's.

 

That's all you got people? "Plan B" isn't what's happening here. What's happening is he is weak and fell into the trap of a kid who have him the affirmation and attention that made him feel like a king. It's not real. And I can't believe no one has any better advice. I mean yeah I have self esteem and ego and that's all bruised but I kinda think he made a mistake and we'd be really. Really. Good together. I'm not gonna contact him. Or be pathetic. I'm living my life. But in the case where I really think he made a mistake...is there nothing I can do? Even long term? No one agrees that after awhile, if I still feel this way, that I shojldnt tell him??

 

Translation: I want someone to tell me what I want to hear.

 

 

Listen, you ARE Plan B. Once 25 year old chick leaves the picture (IF she does), he will probably come back to you.

 

Obviously, he doesn't think you two are really. Really. Good together.

 

Right now, you are just the side dish. You're the coleslaw to the 25 year old's sirloin steak.

 

Deal with it.

[katinlc]

Wow! I could have almost written this post word for word based on my last relationship. I'm 33, guy 38, and new girl was 23. Only we were in an exclusive relationship. He broke up with me and then a week later I saw things on FB that made me realize he had been cheating on me with her.

 

 

I thought the same thing...she's young, fun, etc... He'll come back to me when he realizes she is a child. Well, as time went on I realized he was not coming back and that I would probably never hear from him again. As I finally began to move on, he FB messaged me that she had cheated on him. He admitted he was wrong to choose her over me. That was all I heard from him. Then he married her a month later. This was a couple of weeks ago. They have been together less than 6 months.

 

 

I say all that to say this. Do not expect them to come back to you for a relationship. I still don't think this relationship will work long-term, but it's neither here nor there for me. We are done, I wouldn't take him back if he came, and I've moved on in my life. I never in a million years thought they would get married, but it just shows that you really have no idea what will happen and to never count on them realizing and coming back to you.

 

 

I also would not send a letter. If he's head over heels for this girl, the letter won't mean anything or make him realize he made a mistake. If he does realize this it will be down the road because holes start appearing in his current relationship. Hopefully, by that point you will be healed enough to realize you don't want him.

[BluEyeL]

What helps me move on from a failed dating experience is the realization that there is an infinite supply of men, and if the current scenario didn't work out, it was because the guy wasn't my guy. There is no point in hanging on to someone who doesn't want you when there are so many men still out there, and one of them, the right one, will be yours if you found the strength to just let go of the losers, stop staying in bad relationships, stop pining for someone who isn't available to you, and get out there for the right man to find you.

 

The men I obsessed over in the past, driving myself crazy and crying...I forgot they existed. So every time you're sad and desperate, remember that you'll forget this guy, he's not important.

[d0nnivain]

It doesn't matter if he's making a mistake. It's his life to lead & his mistakes to make.

 

2 months of heavy courting does not a life time commitment make. You are awfully attached for a mere 60 days. Although you slept together, he's still basically some guy you met on line.

 

For whatever reason -- good or bad, right or wrong, -- he chose her. All you can do is let him go. You can't make him pick you.

 

You are not obligated to be friends with him.

 

Walk away now, with your head held high. Chasing after him just weakens you & makes you look desperate.

[Mrin]

I echo what Ninja and others have said. Cut this guy out of your life and move on. He's found something in this lady that he didn't have with you. That's not a reflection so much on you as it is the both of you and the fit/match/chemistry you had or didn't have. He's in that topsy turvy crazy love. Whether it is because she's 25 or it could be a myriad of other things. He has experienced something profoundly different and honestly, if/when it ends, he will want it again. So might he come back to you? For a while. But he'll always be wanting what he felt with her and that's not a stable foundation upon which to build a relationship. You need to move on and wash this man out of your life post haste. No FB. No contact.

[Treasa]

I agree with the others. I don't understand why people say, "How can I get this person to see they're making a mistake by being with this other person instead of me," when they don't actually KNOW it's a mistake. It's really up to the two people in the relationship to know if that relationship is a "mistake" or not.

 

I've been broken up with, and one particular ex I managed to get back five times. And you know what? HE WASN'T WORTH IT.

 

I used to be an expert at getting a guy to want to be with me again, but since I've emotionally matured, I see what bull**** it is. If I have to go through hoops to make some guy like me or want to be with me, what message am I giving myself?

 

I let those losers go, and I'm currently (and always will be) with my best friend. The man who loves me no matter what. The man who calls me beautiful no matter what I'm wearing, how much I've weighed, who's seen me at my worst and at my best. HE is the one who deserves me. Not the ones I have to convince.

 

Don't you see what that does to your self-respect? It erodes it. Mine was down to almost nothing, and now it's almost ridiculously high. I don't do things anymore that are not in my best interest. Neither should you.

[Suzie81]

Ok everyone. I get it. And you're not wrong. But let me interject this:

 

When we started dating I wanted to do all the right things. I read books (good respectable ones). I went on these forums. The advice that everyone gave me is what bit me in the ass. My point is, not all men are the same. I treated him in a manor that EVERYONE said to to make a relationship last. What he needed was the opposite. He needed the stereotypical attention most women need. For him - even though I wanted to shout it from the roof tops on date 2, I didn't. Even though I wanted to sleep with him on date 1 I didn't. Because that was the advice I got. Meanwhile he didn't think I was even interested and the minute someone else gave him that punch drunk immediate love, he bailed. I'm just saying, even tho maybe he just isn't into me and I should move on - everyone is different.

[Mrin]

Ok everyone. I get it. And you're not wrong. But let me interject this:

 

When we started dating I wanted to do all the right things. I read books (good respectable ones). I went on these forums. The advice that everyone gave me is what bit me in the ass. My point is, not all men are the same. I treated him in a manor that EVERYONE said to to make a relationship last. What he needed was the opposite. He needed the stereotypical attention most women need. For him - even though I wanted to shout it from the roof tops on date 2, I didn't. Even though I wanted to sleep with him on date 1 I didn't. Because that was the advice I got. Meanwhile he didn't think I was even interested and the minute someone else gave him that punch drunk immediate love, he bailed. I'm just saying, even tho maybe he just isn't into me and I should move on - everyone is different.

 

You have a valid point. That's the challenge with dating and dating advice. Part of it is you just have to find what works for you and your life.

 

For me I just decided to be me. Be and act how I thought I should be. Sometimes things went blindingly fast the flared out, sometimes things went super slow and faded away, and sometimes things went just perfect. What I stopped doing was ascribing some good or bad value to each person i dated. I stopped giving myself some sort of desired "end result" or goal and just started experiencing each as just that - an experience.

 

I decided it was easier to just be me than to act like something I wasn't. Did that cause some of my dating relationships to end after a few dates? Yes. But that was for the best as we weren't suited for each other.

[thekid36]

Ok everyone. I get it. And you're not wrong. But let me interject this:

 

When we started dating I wanted to do all the right things. I read books (good respectable ones). I went on these forums. The advice that everyone gave me is what bit me in the ass. My point is, not all men are the same. I treated him in a manor that EVERYONE said to to make a relationship last. What he needed was the opposite. He needed the stereotypical attention most women need. For him - even though I wanted to shout it from the roof tops on date 2, I didn't. Even though I wanted to sleep with him on date 1 I didn't. Because that was the advice I got. Meanwhile he didn't think I was even interested and the minute someone else gave him that punch drunk immediate love, he bailed. I'm just saying, even tho maybe he just isn't into me and I should move on - everyone is different.

 

No one on here has any idea what is best for you to be honest. All of them are giving general advice which has nothing to do with your specific situation. All in life is specific. Those who are telling you to 'deal with it' obviously have no sympathy at all. My suggestion is to be much more proactive. Try to tell him how you feel. What would be the worst which could happen?

 

 

This will just keep bothering you not knowing what his reaction might be. Not all of us men actually enjoy going slowly. Nor, do we all like playing asanine games. Maybe he really did like you but was afraid that things were just too casual. Say exactly how you feel at all times. Do not listen to anyone except your own self going forward.

[d0nnivain]

Suzy

 

You could have done everything differently & he probably still would have left. You can't know for sure.

[deathandtaxes]

Suzy

 

You could have done everything differently & he probably still would have left. You can't know for sure.

 

Agreed.

 

 

And that's the tragedy that comes with dating. It happens. And it's beyond your control. It's all in how you pick yourself up and move on.

 

 

OP - how can you want to be with somebody that tosses you to the curb for a piece of tail? Please have more respect for yourself. You can't make him see or do anything. Once you come to that realization, and it may take some time, you'll feel so free. But until then, you do have my sympathies for this thing going pear-shaped.

[FitChick]

YOU may think you two are perfect together but until HE thinks you two are perfect together it's irrelevant. Date others. At some point you might find yourself thinking, "Why was I ever so obsessed with that guy?" I've been in your shoes and get embarrassed sometimes remembering what a fool I made of myself over some guy I thought was Mr Right.

[Allumere]

HE DOES NOT WANT YOU.

HE DOES NOT WANT YOU.

HE DOES NOT WANT YOU.

 

 

So one day you discover vanilla ice cream...OMG best stuff ever. You eat it every day. Then one day someone gives you chocolate carmel fudge....holy crap, its orgasmic. So, do you go back to eating just vanilla or do you go back for more of the chocolate carmel fudge.

 

It is really that simple. Just as both flavors are great, both women are. In this case he discovered the chocolate carmel fudge (the 25yr old) and he simply likes it better. Will he get tired of the novelty flavor? I would say its 50/50 across the board.

[johnson_j]

Yeah the whole waiting 7 weeks. Who does that, to someone they are legitimately interested in? Normally if the chemistry is high, I can't wait hardly 4 dates, and anyone who made me wait 7 wks would be put in the category of "not really interested in me".

[2sunny]

Nope. Didn't do that in my 20's. I was in a 10 yr relationship in my 20's.

 

That's all you got people? "Plan B" isn't what's happening here. What's happening is he is weak and fell into the trap of a kid who have him the affirmation and attention that made him feel like a king. It's not real. And I can't believe no one has any better advice. I mean yeah I have self esteem and ego and that's all bruised but I kinda think he made a mistake and we'd be really. Really. Good together. I'm not gonna contact him. Or be pathetic. I'm living my life. But in the case where I really think he made a mistake...is there nothing I can do? Even long term? No one agrees that after awhile, if I still feel this way, that I shojldnt tell him??

 

Anything YOU do at this point will look weak, pathetic and desperate.

 

Don't pursue being his second choice.

 

He's made his decision and you need to forget about him. He seems like he's attached to the other gal too much, too quickly. But hey, it could be the perfect match for him.

 

Apparently he knew you two weren't right together.

 

Find a guy that's better suited for you.