8 weeks serious courting to other woman in days. .

[Diezel]

Ok everyone. I get it. And you're not wrong. But let me interject this:

 

When we started dating I wanted to do all the right things. I read books (good respectable ones). I went on these forums. The advice that everyone gave me is what bit me in the ass. My point is, not all men are the same. I treated him in a manor that EVERYONE said to to make a relationship last. What he needed was the opposite. He needed the stereotypical attention most women need. For him - even though I wanted to shout it from the roof tops on date 2, I didn't. Even though I wanted to sleep with him on date 1 I didn't. Because that was the advice I got. Meanwhile he didn't think I was even interested and the minute someone else gave him that punch drunk immediate love, he bailed. I'm just saying, even tho maybe he just isn't into me and I should move on - everyone is different.

 

And in other news, water is wet, the sky is blue.

 

There is NO dating playbook. There is NO 100% guarantee. No books will do that. No amount of forums will do that.

 

They are all wavering guidelines on how to approach certain situations. For all you know... those guidelines were the RIGHT way to play the game, and HE played it the WRONG way. Ever stop for a second to think of it that way?

 

Whose to say that had you slept with him on the first night... he still wouldn't have decided to make you Plan B, regardless? And how would you have felt then? How would you felt if you had approach things differently, other than the books, other than the forums, other than the guidelines, and the end result was the same?

 

People sit here and micro-analyze ever minor detail, when they forget to take into account the other variable... the other person in the equation.

 

I bet you could do the EXACT same treatment with the next guy to come along and have a completely different result. You SHOULD be happy that you didn't give yourself up on the first date, but you are so busy pointing fingers at everyone and everything else, that you can't see that at all. I'm glad this situation happened to you, hopefully you've learned a valuable lesson in gauging people.

 

It actually saddens me that you are second guessing whether or not you should have had sex with him on the first date, and that the end result would be different. Nothing is a guarantee in dating.

[doeblin]

Okay so, there is no repairing this, you should move on, work on your self-esteem, date other guys.

 

This guy probably would have left you anyway.

 

However, I do agree with johnson_j that the "7 weeks rule" is silly. If you are that into someone then it should be spontaneous and organic, you know?

Not having sex on the first two or three dates is a good way to filter out the guys who only want sex... but seven weeks? That's really testing a guy's patience.

 

Anyway, move on.

[Mister Zen]

Nope. Didn't do that in my 20's. I was in a 10 yr relationship in my 20's.

 

That's all you got people? "Plan B" isn't what's happening here. What's happening is he is weak and fell into the trap of a kid who have him the affirmation and attention that made him feel like a king. It's not real. And I can't believe no one has any better advice. I mean yeah I have self esteem and ego and that's all bruised but I kinda think he made a mistake and we'd be really. Really. Good together. I'm not gonna contact him. Or be pathetic. I'm living my life. But in the case where I really think he made a mistake...is there nothing I can do? Even long term? No one agrees that after awhile, if I still feel this way, that I shojldnt tell him??

 

He knows whats good for him better than you do.

 

I think its odd that you can't grasp that.

[mightycpa]

even though I wanted to shout it from the roof tops on date 2, I didn't.

 

That **** gets pretty old, pretty fast. I count one bullet dodged.

 

Even though I wanted to sleep with him on date 1 I didn't. Because that was the advice I got.

 

It isn't bad advice. Imagine how many men would want you to do that, and then divide the number of men who'd actually stay with you by that number. Your chances of success are small, and are represented by this fraction.

 

Meanwhile he didn't think I was even interested

 

Because you didn't sleep with him on the first date, he thought you weren't interested. I just wanted you to see that in writing, so that you might understand exactly how ridiculous that sounds. Repeat it out loud, if needed.

 

and the minute someone else gave him that punch drunk immediate love, he bailed.

Hmm... I wonder if you had slept with him, would he have turned down that free pussy? Or maybe he would have just cheated on you, so that he could spare you the pain of rejection.... Hmmmm...

 

 

I'm just saying

I hope you have taken the time to read what you're "just saying".

 

 

maybe he just isn't into me and I should move on

Yeah, maybe.

[BluEyeL]

This ^^, what mightycpa said, is very sensible.

 

It's convenient to blame "the books" and "the advice", this way is someone else's fault, he's good and you're good too, but less good because...you followed advice. Rationalizing, nothing else.

 

The problem is, the advice is close to useless indeed as long as you don't FEEL it, can't filter it through your own thinking, and you don't adapt it to yourself. As long as what you do is artificial, doesn't come from within you, you don't understand WHY you do something, you'll still project insecurity, anxiety and you'll become less attractive. What's the most attractive in a woman is confidence and that doesn't come from reading books and forums.

 

If a man didn't stay with you because you didn't sleep with him at date 2 and now you beat yourself up over that sh*t, it just shows that you don't have the confidence to go ahead with your gut, don't have some firm and clear principles embedded in your heart and mind.

 

You can go ahead and sleep with everyone at date 1. It doesn't matter. Not sleeping with someone will not keep them. The reason you don't sleep with men at date 1 or 2 is not because it will necessarily destroy the relationship, it's to keep your head clear of the chemical high until you know and trust the guy. If you don't sleep with him, but are blind anyway at his character and flaws, then not sleeping with him doesn't do sh*t. You abstain for the wrong reasons.

 

That guy is not a keeper. No matter what you would have done. He's not your match.

 

Also, people with anxious attachment style are a nightmare to be in a relationship with. I know you said you are the same, but two of the same is a train wreck. You need to find someone with secure attachment style, that would make for a healthy relationship. Not this guy. You could have danced on a wire, and the result would have been the same, just maybe the timing different (although I really don't think so). Sometimes men date you because of their own reasons and they don't inform you that they have no intention from the beginning to be with you on the long term but you are just for now. No matter what you'd do or not do. Accept it as a risk.

 

I got played too, by someone who planned from the beginning to date me for the summer (last year), just didn't let me know, so it happens to the best of us I just feel angry that I got fooled and learned some lessons. You should learn some lessons too, and those are not that it's the fact that you didn't sleep with the guy and that his anxious attachment style would have needed a strategy shift, but that you are the chooser and you have to choose with a clear mind next time.

 

Hope you feel better soon.

Edited September 13, 2014 by BluEyeL

[GildedLily]

Hi. I will try and keep this short. I started dating a wonderful man. We met online but had many friends in common. He courted me hard core for 7 weeks. He was a perfect gentleman. We waited 7 weeks to sleep togeyher. He was talking about the future. We had meaningful conversations. Out of nowhere he went MIA. he met someone else. He said he fell super hard for her in DAYS and wanted to be exclusive with her. We hadn't had that convo yet. He's 38. I'm 33. New girl is 25. He had read the book Attatchment styles and defined himself as very anxious. I'm pretty sure I didn't give him the constant attention he needed and he didn't knkw how I really felt. My guess is new girl was giving that to him. But he wants a life. And a family. And she's 25. And I thought we were going in the same direction. I'd like to get him back. I told him how I felt when we broke up. That I was sorry I wasn't more clear how into him I was and that I was sad but he had to do what he had to do. Within a week of meeting her they are favebook official and going crazy. I am trying to not contact him. And of course he wants to remain friends. I need advice. How do I eventually make him see that she's too young and he made a mistake? He is definetly an anxious style attachment. As am I. (If you've read that book). Anywys I'm not an idiot. I know to let him be and not contact him

He's clearly in some honeymoon obsession phase with new girl but does anyone have any other advice? I'd like to eventually get him back. My current plan is to live my life. Date. Not delete him off social media, try my hardest not to stalk his online presence w this chick. And just be kind and patient. Am I missing some other actions I could be taking? Also - because I'm aware he needs a lot of attention and affirmation, should maybe I said a few weeks, let the dust settle, then email him a genuine email telling him that I miss him and how I feel? I know most people say men don't like that. Play hard to get. But I'm positive THATS why I lost him in the first place. He's very emotional. Open. Needy. Please help.

 

25 is not too young, with men it's all about attraction in the beginning. He's more attracted to her, plain and simple. He had SEX with you and still thought "Nay, insert your name here, I like this other girl" this is not meant to hurt you but save you from further embarrassment and heartache. He's done and even if he decides later to come to you, you were a second choice and will be always, to him. Take him off your social media, you are just torturing yourself.

[katinlc]

Ok everyone. I get it. And you're not wrong. But let me interject this:

 

When we started dating I wanted to do all the right things. I read books (good respectable ones). I went on these forums. The advice that everyone gave me is what bit me in the ass. My point is, not all men are the same. I treated him in a manor that EVERYONE said to to make a relationship last. What he needed was the opposite. He needed the stereotypical attention most women need. For him - even though I wanted to shout it from the roof tops on date 2, I didn't. Even though I wanted to sleep with him on date 1 I didn't. Because that was the advice I got. Meanwhile he didn't think I was even interested and the minute someone else gave him that punch drunk immediate love, he bailed. I'm just saying, even tho maybe he just isn't into me and I should move on - everyone is different.

 

 

Please make sure you read my prior post because I went through almost this identical situation. That relationship was what brought me to Loveshack. I got a lot of advice about not being friends, going NC, he's not coming back, etc... I felt the exact same way. Not everyone is the same, these online people don't know this guy like I do. Now that I'm a few months down the road and can see the situation with clarity, I will say that 95% of the advice I received ended up being spot on...

[Emilia]

For me I just decided to be me. Be and act how I thought I should be. Sometimes things went blindingly fast the flared out, sometimes things went super slow and faded away, and sometimes things went just perfect. What I stopped doing was ascribing some good or bad value to each person i dated. I stopped giving myself some sort of desired "end result" or goal and just started experiencing each as just that - an experience.

 

I decided it was easier to just be me than to act like something I wasn't. Did that cause some of my dating relationships to end after a few dates? Yes. But that was for the best as we weren't suited for each other.

Exactly. I can be only responsible for my own comfort zone and for my own behaviour. One thing I do usually is not dating strangers, I usually know the other person reasonably well, have seen him in various social settings, how he is with women in general, how flirty or serious he is, whether he is reliable, reasonably truthful, etc. That helps more in selection than putting an arbitrary number on how soon I sleep with him.

 

Personally, I prefer sooner than later because usually that's the part that's missing in the puzzle and I find that it flashes out issues early on. BUT each to their own!

[Suzie81]

Ok. So I probably already know the only real advice here is to move on. But I'm secretly hoping someone else has some better, actionable, physcological advice to getting this guy back to wanting me.

 

First off, If you've read the book Attached, he is anxious. All the way. We dated almost 2 months. He pursued me hard core. We slept together the last week we were together. I thought I was affirming how much I liked him. But apparently not. He wasn't aware and we never had the "not see other people" convo. So. He met someone else. 13 years younger than him. He's 38. I'm 33. He is infatuated with her. Says he's never felt like this about someone before and we had to stop seeing each other.

 

She is all. Over. Him. They're posting pics on FB as though they've been together years. She is clearly immature as she posted a pic with hearts on it before he told me and that's how I found out.

 

He apologized profusely and I said I was disappointed. Technically he did nothing wrong. But I can not imagine this new flame will last long. He wants a family. A life. He's 38. She's a young young actress. From another country. I can't imagine they have much in common beyond the obvious.

 

We broke up amicably and of course decided to remain friends. He is hidden from my FB feed and I think he hid me too. Unless he went from commenting on everything to nothing because of new girl.

 

So. I know. He chose her. Not me. Please don't tell me to move on yadda yadda. I know. And I am. I'm busy. I have a life. I'm not crying myself to sleep. But I liked him a lot. He is a good one. And I'd like some advice on the best way to keep the door open or get his interest back. Especially if he's hidden me on FB. Should I still "like" or comment on things on his page occasionally that I want to? Shohld I completely ignore and disapeare? Shohld I let the dust settle (I haven't heard from him in almost 2 weeks) and tell him I miss him eventually? Maybe wait till the honeymoon phase of this new thing dies? I would like some real life actionable advice that isn't "move on. " "he didn't pick you" blah blah.

 

Also keep in mind he isn't a normal guy. Part of why I lost him was that I have him too much space and didn't throw myself into the relationship enough. He's needy. Emotional. So maybe contacting him eventually IS a good idea where as for most men it wouldn't be?

 

Blah.

[johnson_j]

It's so tough to say but sounds like you have a good grip on the situation. Being a man near his age, I don't think it's a bad idea for you to check in once a month or so. Just text him to say hi. He's probably caught up in the infatuation stage, possibly because he didn't think you were that into him, based on what you're written here. Once that stage wears off and reality sets in, maybe he'll realize that he tossed a gem and give you another chance. But only if you keep the conversation light and don't pressure him about anything in the meantime.

[Suzie81]

Johnson - thanks. You sound like a reasonable man close to

His age. So let me ask you this. Facebook. I know it's so ridiculous. But it is what it is. Shojkd I just stay off his page? Obviously I don't want to see pics of them, but would it be better to act as if I didn't hid him, and still "like" and or comment on things I would have before? Or just be MIA on his Facebook page? He knows I was hurt. And how I felt. And he still chose her. So should I just disapear and wait for him to contact me? Which he probably will eventually since were in the same circles. Or shojkd I check his page to see if the obnoxious part of this new situation has seemingly died down and then just send a "hey. Thinking about you. How are you" text? Shohld I let him know I miss him and wish him well? Maybe in a few weeks? A mans point of view is really appreciated.

[johnson_j]

Johnson - thanks. You sound like a reasonable man close to

His age. So let me ask you this. Facebook. I know it's so ridiculous. But it is what it is. Shojkd I just stay off his page? Obviously I don't want to see pics of them, but would it be better to act as if I didn't hid him, and still "like" and or comment on things I would have before? Or just be MIA on his Facebook page? He knows I was hurt. And how I felt. And he still chose her. So should I just disapear and wait for him to contact me? Which he probably will eventually since were in the same circles. Or shojkd I check his page to see if the obnoxious part of this new situation has seemingly died down and then just send a "hey. Thinking about you. How are you" text? Shohld I let him know I miss him and wish him well? Maybe in a few weeks? A mans point of view is really appreciated.

 

 

Stay the hell off his FB page. Ghost from his life. He needs to know that you're not sitting around waiting for him.

 

 

You CAN send him a text message on the phone in a month or so, just checking in "Hey, was at <place> and remember you. How have you been?" is genuine and not threatening to him or his relationship.

 

 

Trust me on this - the further away you are, the better off you'll be. Just pop in every now and then but no FB, no likes, no nonsense. You don't have to block or de-friend him, just ghost on it.

[Apaige]

Johnson - thanks. You sound like a reasonable man close to

His age. So let me ask you this. Facebook. I know it's so ridiculous. But it is what it is. Shojkd I just stay off his page? Obviously I don't want to see pics of them, but would it be better to act as if I didn't hid him, and still "like" and or comment on things I would have before? Or just be MIA on his Facebook page? He knows I was hurt. And how I felt. And he still chose her. So should I just disapear and wait for him to contact me? Which he probably will eventually since were in the same circles. Or shojkd I check his page to see if the obnoxious part of this new situation has seemingly died down and then just send a "hey. Thinking about you. How are you" text? Shohld I let him know I miss him and wish him well? Maybe in a few weeks? A mans point of view is really appreciated.

Ugh! The whole Facebook debate!! I am a 40 year old female, divorced for 1.5 years, separated for almost 3 in total, I met a guy ( the only one that I became serious about after my separation) and I have to say Facebook ruined my new relationship! Well, not 100% insecurities played a major part too, but Facebook is the devil IMO!! I went NC, and believe it or not; he's been coming around more and more lately... Hope this helps! Good luck!

[ExpatInItaly]

I know you don't want to hear the reality of this situation, but you cannot make someone want you. Simple but true.

 

But because you insisit...

 

Stay off his Facebook page. Don't "like" anything or message him in the near future. Certainly don't tell him you miss him. Doing so will only make it painfully clear to him that you are still holding out hope. If anything, send him a causal "Hey, how are you?" a little while from now. But prepare yourself for the possibility that he might not respond, or that he might respond coolly out of respect for his new relationship.

 

Also, be honest with yourself. You say you're moving on, but soliciting actionable and psychological advice to get him back indicates that's not exactly the case. This is not a bad thing, as it's normal to struggle a bit after a break-up. But I would ask yourself why you want him back - what were the great qualities about him and your relationship that you feel you wouldn't find with someone else?

[Suzie81]

APaige what's NC mean??

 

And again guys keep in mind this man needs affirmation. You sure the eventual text should be that casual?

 

blah de blah

[ExpatInItaly]

APaige what's NC mean??

 

And again guys keep in mind this man needs affirmation. You sure the eventual text should be that casual?

 

blah de blah

 

Yes, because he's likely getting all the affirmation he needs from his new girl

[Apaige]

APaige what's NC mean??

 

And again guys keep in mind this man needs affirmation. You sure the eventual text should be that casual?

 

blah de blah

 

NC means no contact.

[Suzie81]

No contact. Easy going text in a few weeks. Sigh. Ok. People are stupid.

[SoThatHappened]

I echo just about everything every other poster has said on here, so I'm not going to bombard you with the same advice.

 

However, what may help you in the here and now is to think that their relationship won't last either. It's a band-aid fix, but use it to help you.

 

Do NOT use it as hope to get him back, but as a tool to help you move on. Count him as dead to you, but use your imagination to help speed up your healing process.

[Suzie81]

Damn y'all. I didn't read a lot of those previous posts. I didn't realize my two posts were linked. The waiting for sex was because I wasn't ready and F y'all who say that means you're not into it or that's why he thought I wasn't I to him. I invited HIM to stay over once and he turned it down. He's got some hang ups I think. We both wanted to wait and I don't jump into bed w people. And that's um totally fine. Some people can. Go for it. I can't. It's called oxytocin. I have a lot of it. So I'm careful with it. And to whoever was an ass about waiting 7 weeks F U. YOURE a jackass. I wasn't waiting because of any "rules". It's what was right for ME. GEEZ.

 

And people. I'm not crying myself to sleep here. Maybe they're totally soul mates. Fine. I'm leaving him alone. I'm only asking people for advice because I recognize that there aren't many GOOD men around and he's one of them. And I don't BLAME him for anythung. In fact I understand. Which is why I want to keep things good between us. And THATS the advice I seek. How much, and when yadda yadda. Does that make me a second choice? No. IF he would ever come back, may I consider it? Of course. Because people make mistakes. And people deserve second chances. That doesn't mean I have no self confidence. I have plenty. I'm actually quite wonderful, kind, talented and pretty. So all you rude haters telling me HES NOT INTO YOU. that's not helpful or constructive. If you have something kind and constructive to add, which some of you did, then feel free to interject. Otherwise, if you're so awesome on relationship advice - why are you here, talking to me.

[ja123]

You don't really know the guy after 7 weeks.

 

 

Why are you so invested?

 

 

You sound addicted to him or something ...

 

 

I don't understand why you'd want someone who is fickle, or has to be "entertained". He sounds like a lot of effort and for what?

 

 

Your ego is bruised and you don't want to feel pain. That's normal for anybody. But the best way to get over the pain is to accept what is and move on.

 

 

I'd remove him from FB, if I were you.

 

 

Take him off the pedestal you've put him on and put yourself there instead.

 

 

Check out the website baggagereclaim.

 

 

Hope you're feeling better.

[Suzie81]

OY. Not obsessed. Not crying myself to sleep. Just think wed have been good together. Yes I got invested and yes I'd like advice on how best to keep the door open/friendship door/relationship door WHATEVER. I just like to hear people's opinions and advice. I'm not a wreck. I'm not obsessed. I just am a little sad I lost a good guy who I fell for. Which I don't often or easily. Sheesh.

[ja123]

Stay the hell off his FB page. Ghost from his life. He needs to know that you're not sitting around waiting for him.

 

 

You CAN send him a text message on the phone in a month or so, just checking in "Hey, was at <place> and remember you. How have you been?" is genuine and not threatening to him or his relationship.

 

 

Trust me on this - the further away you are, the better off you'll be. Just pop in every now and then but no FB, no likes, no nonsense. You don't have to block or de-friend him, just ghost on it.

 

 

 

Then do the above. ^^^

 

 

Just keep in mind, so long as you're hung up on him, you won't fully have your heart open to other available better suited men.

 

 

Good Luck!

[Suzie81]

Yes. That is constructive advice. Which I guess I already knew. But I was curious if a text like that in a few weeks would be ok. We'll run into each other eventually anyway.

 

And I realize being hung up on someone shuts off other people. Easier said than done man.

[ja123]

You Don't Miss Him. You Miss the Idea of Who You Wanted Him to Be:

 

 

You Don?t Miss Him. You Miss The Idea Of Who You Wanted Him To Be. | The Current Conscience