Adult Survivors of Child Physical Abuse and Neglect

[clynn]

I have a friend who is an adult who is struggling as an adult to deal with what he dealt with as a child. He was physically abused and neglected by his dad. Had a strong relationship with his mom, but also was also the one to emotionally caretake for his mom as well.

 

While he appears very confident and outgoing, he also needs constant reassurance and is insecure though it isn't obvious because he protects himself.

 

Also he says that he "cuts and runs" from his relationships, with friends and relationships.

 

Comments or experience with this?

 

Sources, books, suggestions?

[westernxer]

He needs counseling. Please see that he gets it.

 

Books may help, but if his childhood was that traumatic, it may be more beneficial to consult with a professional.

[Mz. Pixie]

I agree. I had a horrible childhood. I can see a pattern of cutting and running in my life even though I've done counseling.

 

Counseling will help tremendously. It's so freeing to have someone else tell you that the problem wasn't YOU.

 

I still have some issues that I will probably always work on but I also can see that what happened to me turned me into who I am now. I love who I am now.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by clynn

I have a friend who is an adult who is struggling as an adult to deal with what he dealt with as a child. He was physically abused and neglected by his dad. Had a strong relationship with his mom, but also was also the one to emotionally caretake for his mom as well.

 

While he appears very confident and outgoing, he also needs constant reassurance and is insecure though it isn't obvious because he protects himself.

 

Also he says that he "cuts and runs" from his relationships, with friends and relationships.

 

Comments or experience with this?

 

Sources, books, suggestions?

 

There is an organization called the ASCA (Adult Survivors of Child Abuse) that can be of help. It is difficult to maintain and establish romantic relatinoships, for those who have suffered not only child abuse and neglect, but molestation and rape as well - the treatment for PTSD in both instances is very similar. I totally understand where he is coming from and I do very much the same thing. What you describe is exceedingly common.

[Bubbles]

blindotter,

 

First let me apologize for kidnapping this thread (hopefully it will only be momentary)

 

The ASCA. I've never heard of that before, I think I will check it out. I have never dealt with my abuse. I just grew up and took charge of my life and made conscious decisions NOT to do the things that my Mother did to me or neglected my children the way my Father did with me. I tried drowning in alcohol, I tried chemicaliaing my emotions with drugs and then I got married to a man that I should'nt have married...............Gawd the mistakes I have made. I fight my way through every day of my life and yes I do struggle with relationships. I would much rather Walk away than have to fight with someone about the poor treatment I feel I am receiving. I am extremely NON-confrontational. The way I see it? If someone is treating me poorly? Then, I don't want to be around that person and I will walk away rather than fight it out.

 

What would therapy do for me?

 

 

bubbles

[blind_otter]

For anyone the main thing that therapy does is help you identify unappropriate or ineffective coping skills you have developed, change your cognitive reactions to specific triggers, and find new ways of interacting in your relationships/in your surroundings so that you have a more fulfilling life - so you fight against everything less.

 

The thing about people who grew up in abusive homes, is that you learned coping skills - to survive. But sometimes surviving isn't the same thing as thriving. And the key is to get to the point where you are thriving. So not only are we talking about conflict management skills, which you seem to have some hold on (although avoidance is only appropriate about 50% of the time, I'd say) - but also reactions to everyday stressors, organizational skills, learning how to let people in, dealing with latent anger and aggression - those are the things I can think of off-hand. You can develop more effective relational skills to use in the workplace, with your children and the parents of your children's friends, and with romantic relationships.

 

Basically it is a good idea, with any client who approaches therapy, to sit down and identify their personal goals - in life, in love, in finances, etc. The good therapist can then help you figure out how to better approach your difficulties.

 

Love

me

[westernxer]

That was very well written... are you a therapist?

 

Sounds like you have some sort of expertise here, considering the technical nature of your explanation. Impressive.

[Bubbles]

And how would I know when I am ready to broach therapy? I have to be honest.......I don't know if I want to open up that door in my head that stays shut and locked. I'm afraid that opening that door will create a really big emotional mess (which normally I would avoid like the plague). I don't know if I am brave enought to do it. And what will I gain? I cannott change what happened to me.

 

O.K. I think I am talking out loud now.

 

Thanks for your advice blindotter.

 

bubbles

[westernxer]

Bubbles,

 

If you notice a change in your behavior that adversely affects those around you, then maybe you should consider therapy. Otherwise, you sound okay. It all depends on what I like to call "the strength of your glass." You sound pretty level-headed though, but I'm not a professional, so what do I know.

[Bubbles]

Well, I feel like I am level headed but I often wonder if I should EVER deal with this? but as you can clearly see.......I'm afraid to go down that road again when I have come so far away from it already.

 

There is a fine line between coping and denial (or just plain ignoring things).

 

bubbles

[westernxer]

Whatever you decide, I hope you're okay.

[Bubbles]

Well, I guess now you all can understand WHY I am here at Loveshack. It helps to keep me grounded.

 

Thanks for your encouragement......

 

 

bubbles

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by Bubbles

And how would I know when I am ready to broach therapy? I have to be honest.......I don't know if I want to open up that door in my head that stays shut and locked. I'm afraid that opening that door will create a really big emotional mess (which normally I would avoid like the plague). I don't know if I am brave enought to do it. And what will I gain? I cannott change what happened to me.

 

O.K. I think I am talking out loud now.

 

Thanks for your advice blindotter.

 

bubbles

 

I was in grad school to become a marriage and family therapist, but I dropped out due to my miscarriage last december and everything with my crazy ex who is in prison now....I don't know if I even want to go back to school here so I am re-thinking EVERYTHING....

 

anyways, for me it has never been about re-opening that door, in the almost 8 years I have been in and out of therapy...I mean you always have to review what happened to you with new therapists - but it's about learning how I deal with reality and people on a CURRENT basis, versus how I would LIKE to be able to deal with them - you see the difference, bubbles?

 

You never "get over" a severe trauma, but you can learn to more effectively deal with it. For me, without therapy, I would probably be institutionalized or dead. I was physically abused as a child by my bipolar mother, and my father has severe PTSD from the Korean and Vietnam wars. I was molested when I was 4, raped when I was 12, raped again when I was 19, I became addicted to several drugs and at my lowest point I was living out of my car. I dated a series of physically and emotionally abusive men and married a drug dealer. I made a lot of bad decisions based out of fear and self-loathing.

 

In many ways I am a walking train wreck. I often fear for those who choose to involve themselves in my life because I have had SO MUCH bad in my past, that I can be a little weird and hard to deal with. It's hard to be around someone who has suffered severe trauma.

 

Therapy has taught me to be very open (as I am on these boards) - and taught me how to educate friends and lovers about the consequences of physical and sexual abuse. It has taught me "how" to interact with people in a healthy, thoughtful way, rather than operating out of the dark, fearful place that I lived inside my head for many many years.

 

Thanks for letting me write this, it is has been a long and winding road. I have sometimes thought, am I bipolar? or, do I have some serious psychosis? This is common for people with PTSD because you are a normal creature reacting to very abnormal circumstances. It is all about the human experience - my thing has been, learning to accept what happened, and that it is unfair, but that I can't change the past. As Carl Rogers said, the most important part of the process is learning how to look at yourself both honestly AND acceptingly. The first part is easy. The second part - very hard.

[westernxer]

I was in grad school to become a marriage and family therapist

 

I knew it, or something along those lines.

 

...the most important part of the process is learning how to look at yourself both honestly AND acceptingly. The first part is easy. The second part - very hard.

 

Acknowledgment definitely has a lot to do with the recuperative process. I hope you're okay as well. Looks like you've been working at it... good for you.

[clynn]

Though I have done some reading and thinking and examining my childhood, I've never actually dealt with it formally wtih a counsellor.

 

And I find I experiene a lot of anxiety when I date someone I actually like. I am great when I can be cool and collected with someone I am not attracted or interested in. But if I have a connection I start to get anxious, and have a lot of responses that I think get in the way of me having a relationship with someone I am actually interested in and who geneally seem decent.

 

I've always thought what is the point of bringing it up and dealing with it. Won't it just hurt? And be difficult.

 

And maybe a romantic relationship with someone who I don't have "deep" feelings for but can be better cuz I don't have to go there with the emotions, you know.

 

Now finally at 30 I think perhaps some counselling might be worthwhile. Also a concern cuz of course a counsellor can only help you to the degree you're willing to divulge. ALSO - they see things through their own lens. And of course from my perspective, which simply is just that - my perspective. Memories from childhood can be faded or exaggerated or I also downplay it a lot cuz I don't want to make things seem like "oh, woe is me".

 

After all, most people have lived through some kind of dysfunction. So what? Get on with it, get over it, move on. Don't blame and don't complain.

[clynn]

Though I have done some reading and thinking and examining my childhood, I've never actually dealt with it formally wtih a counsellor.

 

And I find I experiene a lot of anxiety when I date someone I actually like. I am great when I can be cool and collected with someone I am not attracted or interested in. But if I have a connection I start to get anxious, and have a lot of responses that I think get in the way of me having a relationship with someone I am actually interested in and who geneally seem decent.

 

I've always thought what is the point of bringing it up and dealing with it. Won't it just hurt? And be difficult.

 

And maybe a romantic relationship with someone who I don't have "deep" feelings for but can be better cuz I don't have to go there with the emotions, you know.

 

Now finally at 30 I think perhaps some counselling might be worthwhile. Also a concern cuz of course a counsellor can only help you to the degree you're willing to divulge. ALSO - they see things through their own lens. And of course from my perspective, which simply is just that - my perspective. Memories from childhood can be faded or exaggerated or I also downplay it a lot cuz I don't want to make things seem like "oh, woe is me".

 

After all, most people have lived through some kind of dysfunction. So what? Get on with it, get over it, move on. Don't blame and don't complain.

[blind_otter]

I know that for me, regardless of how much I have cared about anyone in the past - there has always been a part of myself that I kept hidden, or kept separate from the other person. I also get a lot of anxiety when I really care about someone, but mostly because there always comes a time when I have to say - this this and this happened to me, it's not as big of a deal as you think, I have been working through it for years, blah blah blah. Men always want to know what they can do, how they can fix it - even when they can't!

 

But again - therapy has never been about reopening old wounds. For me it has always been about identifying the ineffective coping skills I learned in order to survive, and trying to change them based on my current approach to life - I have also ascribed to the idea that the past is the past. I can't and won't touch certain memories that I have - but that doesn't mean that the way I approach life is healthy or very effective in any way. But I have had more problems than most, coping, I think....

[XNemesisX]

I guess the major question is WHO on here can honestly say they did NOT have some kind of an abusive home life?

 

My mother may have been worse than most. She was scary, evil, sadistic...any bad awful word you can think of. I cried myself to sleep every night and my heart would literally hurt because my mother was very cruel. I remember thinking that she was a demon from hell. I would pray every night for God to please make my mother stop beating me and abusing me but she never stopped..until I finally moved away. Eventually, my belief in God also vanished because prayer never worked. She is now on medications that help her somewhat. Here lately she has been asking me to move back home after I graduate until I find a job and my night terrors have started getting worse after she has been pressuring me with this idea. Along with the night terrors, I have been having nightmares of being back at home and running from my mother who has a face similar to that seen in Devil's Advocate (in the dreams). Until recently, I didn't really think that my childhood affected me as an adult. I just don't think about it. I certainly don't like to talk about it because I don't want to seem like I feel sorry for myself, or I'm a big whiner. I think most people have had bad childhoods also, so I don't want to seem like I'm throwing myself a pity party.

 

I did go to counseling for a while but it was over something else. As soon as the therapist wanted to refer me to someone to talk about my experiences growing up I NEVER went back there again.

 

I have sufferred with night terrors since I was a child. A friend of mine who also was severely physically abused as a child says she has the same problem with night terrors so we have wondered if the two could be connected at all. Do any of you have problems with night terrors that began in childhood and were abused as children?

 

I have actually seriously thought to myself that I would literally rather slit my wrists than go back to my parents home if even for a few months after graduation this May. I think this may show me I still have unresolved issues with my past.

 

My friendships/relationships also seem to be dysfunctional and as for my romantic relationships, they have mostly been abusive. I'm not even sure if I could be in a relationship where abuse was NOT occurring because I would somehow feel that it wouldn't be normal to me.

[Fuzzy Chickens]

My stepdad was abusive, both physically and verbally. Often. And you know what? He can go fuck himself for all I care. I'm okay. I don't define myself through his crimes. I understand that he was a sadistic a**h*** and that I'm a better person than he is. I don't obsess over it or have any wierd complexes because of it.

[Fuzzy Chickens]

[nm]

[hellokitty]

Can anyone tell me about whether or not they felt an unexpressed rage to their abuser. My abuser was my mother who was domineering, verbally, and physically abusive to me. I have been working for several years on and off with the help of a counselor to deal with these issues.

 

I have finally gotten past the blaming myself stage and now I am ANGRY!!!! I was helpless. A child put into her care and she took advantage of that and beat and abused me in order to release her own inner demons. Because of her over the course of my life (28 years) I have felt like a victim and been the victim of other crimes, rape and child molestation.

 

I never had a voice. I was a withdrawn and depressed child who was beaten if I "stepped out of line" As a consequence I learned to always be quiet and try not to be seen because being noticed could lead to a beating with an extension cord or whatever else might be handy. When the child molestor got hold of me I was easy pickings. She had primed me good for him. I was nice and docile and did what I was told for fear what might happen to me. He didn't have to do any work to get me.

 

I blame my mother (and use mother as a biological title only) for my molestation and not just for what she herself did to me. She created in me a victim. I never said a word then and still to this day I can't recall my exact age because I had disassociated from the molestation. Whenever it would come up in my mind over the years I would always tell myself I must be remembering a television program. It took me years to accept that it happened. For a long time I couldn't even use the word molestation.

 

Molestors look for the kind of child I was, the child she created and now I'm releasing. They look for shy, withdrawn, damaged children and use them. My anger towards my mother turns into a rage sometimes and feel like I'd like to kill her. Why should she be allowed to breathe another drop of air. As far as I'm conscerned she not only committed her crimes but was also my molestors accomplice. No I hope I would never act out violently about this but sometimes the anger is unbearable. I am going to call my therapist and go back because I am so afraid of what I might do. I haven't seen or talked to my mother in nearly 9 years but I know where she is and it would be so easy. These thoughts are very disturbing to me because for the most part I have rarely acted out aggressively in a physical way toward anyone. I don't know. Maybe this is just another stage of the healing process and will pass. I do hope that when my mother dies it is a death filled with suffering.

 

If anyone knows the type of rage I'm talking about please write back and help me understand it a bit better.

[Lucky Dog]

Hi Hellokitty,

 

Yes, I would rage at my abuser (I did) and it really helped

 

Also, I have to commend you and blind_otter for doing what sounds like a great job dealing with and getting past it.

 

blind_otter mentioned something about keeping some things hidden, but I wanted to ask you both, do you feel you have a very hard time setting boundaries of where you start, or where your privacy starts? sometimes I am amazed that I can't seem to draw a line of where people can go inside me (pschologically), and am amazed at other well-balanced people who can 'draw the line' so easily and effortlessly

[hellokitty]

Hi lucky dog. Thanks for your reply. As for boundaries between yourself and others that can be a very difficult thing to achieve. For years (and still to a certain extent now although it's gotten tremendously better) I would look to others for validation and security. I didn't know who I was and although I was insignificant as a person. This kind of thinking leaves you wide open for manipulation.

 

Certain types of people have almost a 6th sense and can pick the most vulnerable people out of a crowd quite easily. How do you set boundaries so people don't take advantage of you either emotionally or physically or financially. It takes time and I'd have to say at least some therapy. When you've been abused espeacially over a long period of time you lose yourself or were never allowed to become a person in your own right. Now as an adult you have to figure out who you are. This puts us way behind others who had "normal" families and were allowed to grow and get to know themselves in a healthy way.

 

You are lacking self empowerment. That is the thing that allows you to assert yourself in any given situation that isn't right for you. A therapist is good because at first when you start saying no to people who are used to you being a doormat or easliy manipulated they will try to persuade you. Then they will cause you to doubt yourself and your right to self assertion. You may cave in. A therapist can be your sounding board. He or she will tell you, if they are good at what they do whether you were right and will encourage you in your new attitude. They can also tell you if you may have over reacted to a situation and help you work on that.

 

If you don't or can't see a therapist another thing I have found useful in a situation where I'm feeling dominated is to tell the person "I'll get back to you on that" if it's something they want you to do. Then leave and don't return their calls. This is not ideal of course because you are avoiding it but the courage necessary to assert yourself effectively takes time to develop so in the beginning it can help. If it's a guilt trip or any other mental manipulation and you find it difficult if not impossible to fend off this person then you may have to make the difficult decison of whether you should remove this person from your life or not. Some people are just toxic and there's nothing that can be done about it. This is a very difficult move because it may mean cutting off a family member or a long time friend but for the sake of your sanity ( in my case it was to preserve my sanity) I had to cut people out of my life who were dragging me around by an emotional leash.

 

The rule of thumb I've found useful in deciding whether or not a person is someone I can allow into my life (and you DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO CHOSE WHO AND WHO IS NOT IN YOUR LIFE!!!) is this. If the mere thought of the person makes me feel ill and sick with anxiety, dread, apprehension, and unempowered then I know the person is toxic and I should remove them from my life. I do this directly by saying it to them if I have the strength or it can't be avoided or I just stop returning phone calls or going to the place where the person in question might be. All of this is very difficult and may take a while to be able to do. Don't be hard on yourself if it takes you a while to work up to this.

 

Lucky dog you and every human being born has the right to protect themselves from violence in all forms. You deserve every happiness the world has to offer. I know it's hard to believe that and I still have a hard time with that concept every so often, but please believe me when I say it. It's something I KNOW. And knowing deep down somewhere in my soul that I have every right to have a happy life has kept me going on days when death seemed better than another day spent on earth. You are worthwhile and important. The world needs you.

 

I hope that I was of some help.

[Lucky Dog]

Hi Hello Kitty

 

Thanks for you great reply

 

I grew up with a hrroible rage at everything but as I got older and wiser, the rage I felt went through stages. As I released the anger in each stage, a new one would appear, until I had worked through all of them (I was angry at the world (or God for letting it happen), myself for being so stupid (even though I was 5 years old), my abuser (even though I've slightly foprgiven him because I found out his dad used to rape him), my parents for telling me never to ever mention it happening to anyone, etc.)

 

Anyway, I think it is very important to vent that anger so you can work through it.

 

Also, can anyone please explain what the cause and reason to 'cut-and-run' is? I've done it all my life (jobs, lovers, friends, towns - hell, even entire countires!), and now have finally reached a point where I feel safe to settle down, (but can't because I can't afford a house now!) so I am curious about the technical explanation of what causes it

 

Thanks

[XNemesisX]

hellokitty,

 

Yes, I did feel rage at my mother enough to kill her when I was younger and still living at home. I have diaries going back to the 2nd grade and as early as the 2nd grade I wrote about how much I wanted to kill my mom because she would not stop hurting me. I would beg my dad to please help me and to get me away from my mom.

 

But, now that I am older and no longer live there I don't feel rage anymore. I feel more hurt than anything. I see the effects of my childhood in things that have happened to me as an adult but I don't feel the rage at my mother anymore. I have also been raped, and used on various degrees since growing up. I also have went through a string of abusive romantic relationships. I didn't really think about how my childhood affected me as an adult but now I see that I am different from other people who didn't have this sort of childhood. I have very low self-esteem and I am starting to see that now. I put up with physical abuse in my relationships and don't see it as being a horrible wrong against me like my friends tell me. I went through a phase of heavy binge drinking and I literally have not cared what happened to me or who did what to me.. I do feel very empty inside and over the course of the last few months I have been on medication for depression. I am considering going to counseling again after reading others posts on here.

 

People have told me I need to confront my mother about what she did to me as a child but I see it as beating a dead horse. It is not going to change anything, only cause me more drama in my life right now that I don't need. I don't see it as being beneficial to me at this point. I just keep civil with my mother now but I don't have a relationship with her and I never did, and I do not plan on it. I try to overlook some of it because I know that my mother is severely mentally ill and she is being treated now. She was also abused as a child so I try to look at her as more of a human now than a monster that I saw her as when I was growing up.

 

I want to leave the past in the past. Regardless of how terrible my mother was to me and how much suffering I endured growing up and the attempted suicides as a child, the absolute misery of my childhood. When I think about my childhood it just causes me more hurt and suffering that I do not like to think about. I cringe when I think about when I was in 2nd grade and I would walk out in the road on purpose in hopes that someone would run over me. I did run away in 6th grade for a few days and went to a complete strangers house. I think about that, and I can't believe I put myself at the mercy of strangers! Who knows what could have happened to me but luckily the people were nice even though they did return me back to my mother. Ugh. I think about that day and I cringe. When the people returned me I received one of the worst beatings of my life. My mother pulled a knife out on me and beat me so severely that she put me in the bathtub because of all the bleeding so I would not get something on the carpet. Dad finally stopped her. It was horrible. I also remember repeatedly spraying Pam cooking spray in a washcloth and putting it over my face when I was in grade school because I remembered seeing on the news that someone died from it. I used to pray and wish for death..how can this be normal for a f*cking child???! I remember thinking that 18 would never come soon enough so that I could leave. Many times I did not believe that I would live to see 18 because either my mom would kill me or I would kill myself one of the two. I feel lucky that I survived it. Ok, I can't write about this anymore because it just makes me feel so upset!

 

I guess it would be silly to think that I am not affected in some ways. Weird thing is, I still love my mother. I think I forgive her, but I don't want to ever be close to her or live near her. I just would like to work on the problems I have now. I guess that is all we can do at this point.