HELP, Should I tell H??

[Ratty]

I have a problem. I feel terrible so please don't bash me too much.

 

I have been married seven years and have three children. About two years ago I met my ex-boyfriend for a friendly drink. We got on very well, drank a lot and ended up kissing. That is all we did that night but we e-mailed every day for the next few months and then we met again for a drink...I have no idea why. I kept telling myself I wasn't attracted to this guy and I don't think I was, I was after having two children and I felt so depressed and frumpy and I liked all the attention he was giving me.

 

Anyway, again we flirted and got drunk and I was so drunk I barely remember what happened. I know I kissed him. Well, I felt so bad about it that I told my hubby that I had kissed him and that we'd fooled around a bit. My H was distraught but said if I NEVER did anything like that again that he could forgive me.

 

I talked to my ex again after that and it transpires that we started having sex on the side of the road (though we never finished apparently). Well, I don't know whether to tell my H this or whether it would just cause him too much pain. I haven't seen the guy again (over a year now)

 

What should I do??

[uberfrau]

Do YOU remember having sex with the ex? Or is that what HE says happenend?

 

It's not like this is an ongoing thing, it was a year ago. You aren't even sure if you did sleep with him.

 

So why tell him anything? he knows you kissed. Leave it at that.

 

If they 'guilt' is too much (and guilty is such a waste of time) confess to your priest, or pastor.

[Sad Flower]

Take it to the grave!

[Sad Flower]

It's been a year, why bring up the old stuff to start new problems

[opaleye]

I think that you should tell him, although I don't think it will be at all good for your relationship. It will probably end it if you tell him. But I do think in a way that he deserves to know. How would he feel if in 10 years he finds out? Just because time has passed doesn't mean that what you did gets any less painful and is any less of a betrayal. I feel sorry for you because you don't remember what happend but you put yourself in the situation and allowed yourself to get so out of control.

 

I don't mean to be harsh but I don't think that you can just let this go and get on with life. He is living with a delusion of your marriage. Is that fair? To either of you?

 

Good luck

[Ratty]

Thank you for your replies.

 

I do feel bad that I cheated on him...when he told me we'd had sex I started to vaguely remember some stuff. I didn't even touch the guy, it was literally that he started having sex with me and then he told me he stopped because I had no clue what was going on. I'm not excusing anything because I did go to meet him and I did kiss him.

 

BUT I told H that - in my opinion kissing and fooling around are far worse than sex. To be honest I feel it's more personal than the act of sex. (When I was little I was sexually abused and learnt to completely disengage my brain to what happened to my body)

 

Well, Rick, you're right he probably deserves someone better than me because he is a great guy but I don't think he'd leave me and so I feel what's the point in hurting him. I asked him what he thought about TMW telling the OM's wife about the affair and he said he definitely thinks he shouldn't. Does that mean he wouldn't want to know himself? I know I wouldn't want to know.

 

It's harder for mw not to tell him because I feel so guilty and I want to tell him to ease my conscience and for him to hate me as much as I hate myself. I think it's EASIER to tell than keep it a secret sometimes.

[d'Arthez]

It's a hard decision to make either way.

 

Even if it did happen as your ex-boyfriend says (which may be doubted), you should wonder why did it happen in the first place.

I kept telling myself I wasn't attracted to this guy and I don't think I was, I was after having two children and I felt so depressed and frumpy and I liked all the attention he was giving me.

points to the fact there might be something wrong within the marriage at the time.

 

Why did you feel depressed? Was it post-partum depression? Was your husband supportive of you? Did you communicate your worries, and problems to him, and did he respond or ignore your pleas?

If these questions point towards your husband satisfying your expressed needs, there is hardly a case to be made for not telling. However if your husband did not satisfy your expressed needs, there can be made a case for not telling.

 

Of course what you did was 'wrong', however you look at it, and whatever happened. But if you feel the marriage has improved, after confessing to kissing the ex, you could make a strong case for not telling him also.

 

Choose whatever you think is right. Don't let yourself be guided by fear, but by your understanding of what led to all these events. Let yourself be guided by your religious (if any) and moral views on the subject.

[Breathe]

Would you want your H to tell you that he cheated or would you rather he keep it secret?

[Ratty]

I wouldn't want him to tell me. I know I wouldn't. If it was definitely a one off then I wouldn't, if it was something that was going to continue throughout our marriage then I would want to know.

 

I have nobody to talk to about this. I have no real close friends. I remember being really really depressed one day and crying and crying and thinking I had to talk to someone about it. (the depression I mean) so I looked through my mobile and I kept saying 'no they wouldn't really want to listen to me' at every person. I mean, who wants someone to ring them up and say 'I'm really depressed and want to talk to you about it'?

 

I remember texting my ex...he made me laugh and got me out of my depression for awhile. He didn't dwell on it and I didn't discuss anything with him in detail but for months by e-mail and text he was this anonymous source that I could talk to, tell things to that I would never tell anyone. I don't think I could do this to his face and I certainly don't love him.

 

I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt my H but I don't want to keep this lie inside.

[Rick5478]

Hurting your husband is inevitable. You don't want to keep the lie inside? So then what's the debate about? Are you looking for a forum full of people who will tell you to keep it inside because that's what you really want to hear. Maybe your husband wouldn't leave you. When women know a guy won't leave them it means it's open season for them to cheat. I feel sorry for your husband. I think it's sad that you kept this lie inside for a year and now finally you're growing a conscience. Your husband should leave you. Hurting him is the price you pay for lying to him for a year.

[michelangelo]

you have made a number of statements I find disturbing. You disengage from responsibility at every turn.

 

met yor ex for a friendly drink?

 

No such thing! It was a hook up.

 

kissing is worse than sex so that somehow makes it ok to not tell of the sex you had?

 

Hello? I don't think so!

 

 

You got so drunk yo pass out during sex in a ditch by the side of the road?

 

First off, your husband deserves the truth so he can live his life aboveboard, you too for that matter. If it leads to a split up so be it.

 

You have huge drinking problems and confusion about boundaries and appropriate behavoir in a marriage. Please do what it takes to understand those boundaries and stop this destructive way of life.

 

Your husband deserves much better than this way you have. for that matter, so do you.

[Ratty]

Well, I told him.

 

He's acting really weird. At first he was asking a few questions and then was worried that our son wasn't his (he definitely is!)

Then I asked him if he hated me and he said 'of course not' and I said that I thought he should and that he should leave me to find a nice person.

He said he wasn't going to leave and that I needed to stop hating myself.

I don't know what to think. He has a very bad temper and i was really expecting a few punches or something but he has been really quiet about the whole thing...

 

I told him I would do whatever I could to make it up.

 

As for my problems, we knew we had problems and have been working through them. I was drinking quite a lot but don't drink at all now. Our marriage is a lot better now than it was a few years ago. I told him in the end because it was tearing me up inside and because I felt if our marriage was to be very successful I couldn't keep any secrets.

 

Call me names, give out to me whatever the hell you want but I don't really care what you think only what my H thinks. I am VERY sorry i did this. I think I would probably slit my wrists at this stage if he asked me to. For the past year my hair has been falling out, I have been losing a huge amount of weight, I couldn't eat, kept getting migraines and the doctor says its stress.

 

Maybe you could argue now that I told him so as to make myself feel better. Well, maybe I did in a way. It was a number of reasons. I wish I had told him earlier but the words just wouldn't come out.

 

It's not as if I had a huge illicit affair that went on for years - I never lied to my H about where I was going or what I was doing. He even knew I was e-mailing the guy, even after the first kiss.

 

I DO blame myself and I take full responsiblity for my actions and I am ready to take whatever H dishes out.

[michelangelo]

you did the right thing telling him. Howeverr, it is not now about you taking physical punishments for it.

 

You now have anopportunity for growth. Find a way to take that opportunity.

 

Be patient with your husband, despite his seemingly lack of raction, it is tearing him up inside.

 

Can you get into counselling?

[Ratty]

He says he doesn't want to go to counselling. He says he doesn't want to talk to anyone about it, not even me.

 

He says he loves me and would never leave me and just wants to forget about it.

 

He even told me not to worry too much about it!

 

In a way that is making me feel worse because i think 'how could I do that to such a nice guy?'. I told him that I don't deserve him and he said that in many ways he doesn't deserve me either.

 

I can't say I understand his reaction and I am a little worried that he'll keep all his feelings bottled up inside, resent me and in five years time tell me he's leaving because he doesn't love me anymore. I guess that is something I will have to put up with. I know I have to respect whatever decision he makes.

[opaleye]

I think that you did the right thing. It was brave of you and I am happy for you that you did it. I am also sorry that you are going through such a bad time and that you feel you have no one to turn to.

 

I think you should definately see a counsellor. I think it would help you both a lot. I hope that your remark about expecting some punches when you told him is not indicative of the general state of your marriage- I hope that he does not hit you or that you expect him to and live in fear of that because you cannot have a healthy relationship if that is happening. Either way I think seeing a counsellor would be the next thing to do.

 

Congratulations on telling him, now you can be open and honest with each other and really start to rebuild the trust between you.

[Ratty]

He went out last night and didn't come home till half five. Whenever he goes out he does this and it means I have to look after the children for most of the next day.

Anyway, I couldn't sleep, I was worried about what he was feeling. He didn't seem to want to talk to me or anything.

 

To be honest I feel more lonely now than I did before I told him and the lonliness was pretty unbearable to begin with. Even if H can get through this I'm really not sure I can.

[d'Arthez]

Originally posted by Ratty

He went out last night and didn't come home till half five. Whenever he goes out he does this and it means I have to look after the children for most of the next day.

Anyway, I couldn't sleep, I was worried about what he was feeling. He didn't seem to want to talk to me or anything.

 

To be honest I feel more lonely now than I did before I told him and the lonliness was pretty unbearable to begin with. Even if H can get through this I'm really not sure I can.

 

At least he seems to be reacting calmly. That is a positive sign. And that you could not sleep is also quite normal in these situations.

 

You have discovered that telling what happened, does not restore all the problems in the relationship.

 

If he does not want to go to counselling, maybe you can on your own. Without an insight in the dynamics of your relationship, it is hard to improve the relationship. But the both of you need to restore the lines of communication. For your marriage, for your children. If he remains closed, you can't break him open.

 

And if you don't restore these lines of communication, your marriage will deteriorate, and a divorce might be the end-result.

[Ratty]

Well, I said he went out but what i just found out was that he lost five hundred dollars playing poker. He is basically saying it's my fault because he was an emotional wreck.

 

I am so angry with him. Our financial situation is not good what with me looking after the children and him having five people to support. He knows we have barely ten dollars to spare let alone five hundred! I feel like I don't really have the right to be angry with him but he has made our situation so much worse that now I can't even look at him. I would've preferred that he had slept with someone instead, at least that wouldn't mean the kids would go without.

 

I am so so angry, I even moved into the spare room because now I can't stand being near him. I know I have no right to this and it is probably how he feels about me also.....

 

Ah, geez I really don't know what to do now.

[mourningMM]

You thought he might hit you because of his temper?

 

He goes out and stay's out until 5 when you have 3 children?

 

Money is tight?

 

You are angry and feel guilty at the same time?

 

I may be going out on a limb here, but the relationship has more problems than your ONS with an ex.

 

At very least, you need counseling...moving to a different bedroom is a physical and emotional abandonment that indicates there is a really deep anger. That sends a very serious message. It can be used against you in a divorce action.

 

Be careful, be safe...and stop thinking that people you love won't want to hear about your depression or fear for your saftey or your faults.

 

You have family, right? I hope so, because they should be your first line of counselors...then try the church... then seek professional support.

[Guest]

This situation is distressing to say the least.

 

So far Ratty has painted a picture of a "relationship" wounded by infidelity, compulsive gambling, domestic violence, and need for continuous trauma/drama. The cherry on top is no possibility for healing any of this through counseling, introspection or self-help.

 

The adults in this disaster can do what they want. Of course, they will anyway. My concern is the children. Not one mention of them and the effect all this is having on the truly innocent ones in this scenario. Do the children have anyone else such as loving Grandparents or other family members to look out for them? I do truly hope so...

[Ratty]

I do have family, but I certainly wouldn't talk about my problems with them. They would feel awkward and I would too. AS for the church I'm not religious and I certainly would NEVER talk to a priest or any such person, unless they were a friend and I had known them a long time.

 

As for counselling, we tried that when we first got married and it didn't seem to help, we could never really talk about our real problems and the counsellor kept wanting to talk about our sex life which made us both feel a little uncomfortable (we're not uncomfortable with sex, I think it was the counsellor more than anything else). Also with money being so tight we really couldn't afford it.

 

I don't understand what moving into the spare room would have to do with divorce proceedings....I'm not abandoning my kids, are you talking about who left who kinda thing?? I don't think it would come to that anyway because we couldn't afford a divorce even if we wanted it.

[Athena]

I think things are going to get worse for a while your H is trying to come to terms with your infidelity on his own. Not wanting to speak to even you about it indicates he is not reaching out for help, but wants to 'ignore it' and get past it. I don't know if that is the best thing to do -- to ignore it. Clearly it is a big issue, and the two of you should talk it out when he is ready to talk. For you, you've had a whole year to think about it, but it is new to him, and while you are awaiting your "punishment" from him (so you can be forgiven) he is still trying to digest the news.

 

There seems to be more than one problem in your marriage (lack of communication, threat of physical violence, his temper, your depression, your past drinking, and your offer to slit your wrists for him). Are you perhaps co-dependent?

 

His blaming you for his gambling is the easy way out. That was his choice to try "handle" his emotions by distracting himself (or punishing you) by gambling. Does he regret that decision? Or does he just pass the blame onto you?

 

I would have to ask why he makes a habit of going out until five in the morning? Perhaps his late nights also have given him the opportunity to have had an indiscretion? Is that why he says he, too, doesn't deserve you?

 

Perhaps this is not just about your infidelity in an otherwise-perfect marriage. Perhaps the two of you have intimacy avoidant problems, or communication problems, or you (having suffered from physical/sexual abuse as a child may have purposefully chosen him -- somebody who, if capable of punching you, is certainly capable of physical abuse). I honestly think you need professional help, and there are certain marriage counseling services available that will bill you on a scale according to your income. Check with your local college Psychology department, perhaps there is a marriage counseling center attached to their grad program. Also ask social services if there is someone you can see.

 

At the very least, go to your local library and read some self-help books on Co-dependency, depression, physical/sexual abuse, communication, and marriage books. Knowledge gives you the power to change what needs changing. You are right to ask for help. Keep on trying to get the help you need.

[Ratty]

The whole thing sounds a little dramatised. He has never hit me, he has pushed me once or twice (out a door or something) but nothing extremely violent - he usually reserves that for inanimate objects. As for my drinking, I don't have a drinking problem. I went out a few times with friends and we just drank too much. We were in a pub, almost everyone there had too much to drink. But I have stopped drinking even when I go out because I didn't like the way I was feeling.

 

There are problems in my marriage, my H works too much and I am lonely and I guess we do find it difficult to communicate but we do write letters and texts and e-mails to one another (so we're getting there bit by bit). My children I have mentioned before and of course I am worried about the affect this has on them. Like H said last night, his gambling (which by the way was only a friendly poker night with the boys, something he has done many times and at the most lost a tenner - I don't know how the stakes got so high) was not detrimental to the kids whereas what I did was. It would have more of an affect on the kids if we split up (though I could say that we could've split over what he did too).

 

It's not as much the amount of money but the fact that I trusted him and he betrayed that trust. Now we will both have to work to build up the trust again.

 

H told me that there was a period of two years between our children that I showed him lack of intimacy but that he didn't run off and find it somewhere else. He has a valid point I know but what was interesting was that the time he claims I showed lack of intimacy is the same time I claim he showed lack of intimacy. The difference is our definition of intimacy. He was talking about sex, I was talking about closeness. I mean hugging and lying together. I did lose my sex drive at one point for two years but I still had sex with him on a regular basis. As for the intimacy I guess I pulled away because every time I tried to be close to him he always expected it to end in sex, something I didn't want.

 

It helps me so much to write here because my head was in such a mess and I'm glad to get some perspective on things. I do love my H and I realise I have issues to sort out. I just wish he could admit the same thing. I don't really know where to start to make things right (my admission hasn't damaged our sex life which is a good thing).

 

Any more advice would be very welcome. Thank you all.

[Ratty]

I feel so bad. It's really awful when you feel so bad yet you feel you have no right to feel bad.

 

I wish i could undo it I really do.

[jmargel]

Ratty, you need to give it time. Everyone is different. When he is ready, he will talk. My best suggestion would be to say this to him: "I am not going to push the issue involving my affair, but when you are ready to talk I will be here to listen"

 

That gives him the ok to talk to you when he is ready. Just because he's not talking about it doesn't mean he's not going through any grieving processes.

 

You two are breaking down the communication even further by having arguments and sleeping in different rooms. He was making ill-advised choices on gambling because he doesn't know how to get these feelings out in a contructive manner. Just because one counselor didn't help doesn't mean the next won't. Check to see if your insurance covers it, most will.

 

Just take things day by day and stop overworking your mind. You can't change the past but you can learn and grow from it. You took the right step in telling him. I also hope you stopped all contact with the ex.