HELP, Should I tell H??

[Ratty]

I came here for advice, not abuse but that said, nothing [ ] could say to me or throw at me could make me feel worse than I already do (the things I say to myself are worse). I feel terrible but I don't feel I have the right to feel bad because my H is going through such a tough time.

 

I feel bad, very bad about what i did but I didn't mean I shouldn't feel bad about THAT.

 

Of course I am feeling awful about what I did, I feel awful about how I am making, made my H feel. He assures me he loves me and wants to be with me forever. We decided against separate rooms and I am going to contact the MC tomorrow to see if we can work something out.

 

He KNOWS me, he knows what I've been through, he knows I was depressed and drunk and that our relationship was a bit rocky at the time. This is NOT an excuse. I told him that I take full responsibility for my actions and am willing to do whatever it takes to make amends.

[Ratty]

From what I read in this forum, men find too many excuses to cheat. And also from what I see they do it more than once and for long periods of time. But I'm not one to judge.

 

Realistically though there is always some kind of excuse for cheating, if you don't have one you can make one.

 

I think anyone who cheats is a jerk no matter what the reason. Of course I think I'm a jerk, a bitch, a stupid bloody idiotic hurt inducing bitch. My H wanted me to explain why I did it....there were circumstances, there almost always are. People never say 'I'm sorry dear I cheated on you because I'm a thoughtless uncaring bitch', if people didn't care about their spouses they wouldn't tell and they'd just keep doing it. There are varying degrees of cheating. I mean I never thought about emotional affairs until I came onto this site. i always figured affairs are physical but from reading the posts on this forum I realise that emotional affairs can hurt just as much.

 

It depends on the person and the boundaries you have in your marriage. My H kisses girls on the cheek all the time and it doesn't bother me. He also hugs them as I do with my male friends. But I know some people think that is beyond the boundary for their marriage.

 

My H never had a problem with me going out for drinks with my exs (and still doesn't believe it or not) and while sober I know I wouldn't do anything (with that particular ex). That night was just a stupid mistake, I was out with people from work beforehand and was already quite merry when I went to meet him for a drink. Anyway, I'm not excusing myself, I'm afraid to say anything in case Rick thinks I'm making excuses - I'm just trying to explain the situation, nothing is black and white.

 

Anyway, I will not do this again. I will not put myself in the situation that this could happen again.

[mourningMM]

all people are flawed, some are prone to addictive behavior.

 

all people are weak, some are weaker than others.

 

both women and men have reasons for what they do, women tend to verbalize those reasons more easily than men. That doesn't mean that men don't have reasons too.

 

both men and women in the beginning of a problem tend to blame it outside themselves, and then, depending on their personalities, they may tend to take all of the blame on themselves...but finally it comes down to an understanding of what part each played in the problem. And frequently it takes time and distance to see that clearly.

 

For example...

My ex and I had problems with communication in the marriage. He did not talk to me..but at the same time, I never questioned the silences. I assumed he loved me, he fell out of love and moved on before telling me there was a problem.

 

Am I blaming him for the whole thing? No, there might have been signs that there were problems, but my tolerance for those problems was higher than his.

 

Do I blame him for the divorce? YES. He made the decision to leave, he entered an emotional affair with another woman. He quit the marriage before he ever told me there was a problem, leaving me devastated. I never agreed that the divorce was the right choice, or the best thing for the family. But it only takes one person losing hope in the future, or creating a future without their current spouse, to end a marriage.

 

In the best of all worlds, both people agree that divorce is right...or both people agree that they will become better and stronger by working through the problems. Then the blame is shared equally, and although there is anger there is also respect.

 

But when one person in a relationship either takes on all of the blame or takes on none, the relationship remains imbalanced, and one or the other of the spouses quits. When only one person quits the anger is enormous because there is a complete abrogation of the value that a person has brought to the relationship and an insurmountable indication that there is no respect or consideration or appreciation.

 

In this case it sounds like there are problems, and there appears to be fault and blame on both sides...maybe not yet in equal portions, but in time with MCing there is a good chance that both husband and wife will be able to face their own failures and faults, as well as address the failures and faults that they have in communicating and supporting each other.

 

But finger pointing and blame will never fix a problem....because as the saying goes, when you point 1 finger at someone else, there are 3 fingers pointing back at yourself and one up to God.

[veryremorseful]

Hi,

 

I can really understand what you must be feeling. I am feeling the same. If you read my posts you will understand my situation. I h ave taken up the complete responsibility for all my actions so as he says he should have died of shock by now. I have even reported this guy to the website administrators.

 

I am in a similar situation. My H does not think counselling helps. We do not have the money for it. Even if we had the money he feels no one will ever understand how hurt he feels. We went to counsellor once in the last 3 months and he said something like whats the big deal you just kissed whcih was quite upsetting. So we now go to the priest who talks to us about prayer etc but my H does not believe in prayer. I believe in prayer and it helps me sometimes.

 

I really hope things work out for you. Dont be disheartened and give up. My kids have also seen a lot and hope they will grow up to be stronger adults who understand and value relationships and their boundaries. I think for now do not expect anything from your husband just do what you thing is right and do only the right.

[Ratty]

Thank you VR! I was reading your posts but wasn't sure if i should post anything.

 

My H has been great. I can't believe he's being so good. He's being really considerate towards me and he rings me every day and asks me if I'm okay. I'm not dealing with this very well. I guess I've been hiding it for the last year and now that it's out I have to deal with what I did. I'm afraid every minute that he'll tell me he's leaving me, which he has every right to do. But he insists that he will never leave me, and that he wants us to grow old together.

 

He really is the most amazing man I have ever met in my life. We may have problems communicating and he may have issues with his temper, but he is willing to work on those, and most importantly he believes in the marriage, he loves me, and he believes me when i say I'm sorry.

 

To be honest I don't understand you H's point of view. It was a kiss, it was a betrayal of trust but it was such a short period of time. You fell for a minute but now you have picked yourself up, you know where you tripped so you won't trip again.

 

I really hope your H will realise that you are still the same person, with one little difference, you are stronger and more committed to your mariage than ever before.

[Rick5478]

For once we agree, she is STILL the same person, and her unfaithfulness is not a little difference, but unsurprisingly, YOU wouldn't be able to understand her husband's point of view.

[OtherWoman]

Ratty, you did the right thing by telling your H. How very brave and it is the right thing to do. Your husband is shutting down and I agree that you should give him time. But even if money is tight, make that investment in your marriage by seeming a MC. If you belong to a church, they may offer free counseling. The final option is to find a couple who have survived an A. My husband and I have been able to counsel two other couples.

 

I know you can't see it now, but the A was the best thing that could have happened to our marriage. It was the jolt that brought our marriage back to life. We were not speaking each other's love languages and if you've never heard of this I would suggest you find the book "The Five Languages of Love." We all say we love each other in a certain way through words, quality time spent, gifts, service or touch and it's not often we speak each other's languages. Example: I would fix my husband really nice dinners and clean or buy him a little gift. By doing those, I was saying "I love you." But he was holding my hand and spend time with me and that was his way of saying he loved me. We were missing it.

 

As far as accepting responsibility. I accept total responsibility for the A. And my husband has admitted that he played a role in our marriage being less than what we wanted. We have forgiven EACH OTHER for the hurts we've caused. Now we have the marriage we always wanted and will never take it for granted. If you can stick it out, Ratty, do it and with hard work and some patience, you will have a great marriage!

[tanbark813]

I don't want to add to the bashing or stir up more negativity, but it just seems a bit unfortunate that the most supportive posters in this thread are the ones who have cheated and the one person who is most adamantly opposed to infidelity it the one being bashed the most. I understand that when an affair happens, both people generally have some degree of responsibility. However, usually only one person resorts to seeking comfort outside the relationship.

 

Ratty, not to berate you or anything, and I'm not saying your husband is perfect, but I really don't think you can give him too hard a time for the poker game. I think any man in that situation wouldn't have behaved in the most level-headed manner. He could have done much worse than lose $500 playing cards. In light of everything, that seems pretty trivial, IMHO.

[Ratty]

SL, I would just like to say that my understanding of what Moose said was not that the spouse is 'always' to blame but that MORE OFTEN THAN NOT it is something that is missing from the marriage that causes the WS to cheat. This isn't necessarily the BS's fault. Obviously there are some people who are promiscuous by nature and I am not one of them.

 

know I did something wrong I don't need someone telling me that again again. I came here looking for advice, firstly on what to do (something I actually took Rick's advice on!) and secondly on how to deal with the whole situation

 

Anyway, as I wrote in my other post my H and I went to see the MC and everything is going really well. It seems my H really does not have an issue with what I have done because he understands the factors that contributed to the situation and is ready to forgive me.

 

We are continuing MC because we want to learn from our mistakes and make ours a stronger marriage.

 

Oh and Other Woman....believe it or not I actually bought that same book two days ago!!! It is very good, it's something you can use in all your relationships (with your kids, parents, etc etc) not just your marriage

[SleepingLover]

It is very good to see you are both going to MC and are working through this.

 

As far as Moose's comments, I wasn't necessarily taking it out of context as it may have appeared. I was simply clarifying that it is not always something the S/O did or didn't do that contributes to a cheating spouse's behavior.

 

I had read another post elsewhere that did just that. Simply, what I found as somewhat arrogant was how the theory is presented. It is presented in such a way as this is fact and that's final. Hence my comment that even "counselors aren't that arrogant". Psychiatrists won't profess to know it all because nobody really does. What we do know is that, oftentimes, it is a lack of communication (or listening) on both sides that contributes to this behavior.

 

You had said "That you cannot discuss your sex life with a preacher".. at least I think that was you.. sorry if I can't recall. Anyhow, can you both discuss your sex life with each other? Really, there is nothing uncomfortable about talking openly about your sex life. It is a natural part of a relationship. There is nothing to be ashamed about. Most of the people whom I know who feel ashamed about discussing their sex life have often been raised to believe that sex is a dirty shameful thing. If this is your case, you and your husband need to break through that barrier and start talking about it. And most certainly discuss it with your counselor. Your counselor isn't going to view it as gross or shameful... he/she is there to help you and this is something they need to hear.

[FolderWife]

I only read the first page:

 

I wouldn't want to know if my husband did what you did. I go to the gyno once a year, so if I get an STD, she'll find it. I would rather die not knowing that the man I love and trust with all my heart had betrayed my love and trust. I'd rather not have to live every day of the rest of my life wondering if he'll do it again, or wondering if I'm an idiot for trusting him again, or wondering all the other million things you wonder when you've been so betrayed.

 

It was a one time thing. DON'T TELL HIM!!! DON'T DO IT AGAIN

 

I'd rather live in ignorant bliss. If I found out from some other source, however, I would want him to be completely honest with me about the affair. But if he does it, stops it, and regrets it, and I never find out about it, and I never have to live with the pain, then that's just dandy by me.

 

But if I ever find out he's cheated on me ....

[Moose]

With what you desrcibed, you're having me to believe that you were in every sense of the word, a perfect wife.

 

The truth of the matter is, the never has been, and never will be anything of the like.

 

The person you described:

love her husband, care for their children, work hard, cook what he likes, wear what he likes, have sex as often as he likes and any way he likes, work out and keep her figure through the years ... and he will cheat anyway.

is a person who was perhaps a little niave, taken advantage of, maybe even raised to believe that every marriage is a, "live happily ever after", story book, and was struck down with the harsh reality that life really is.

 

And to top everything off, it also sounds to me that the person you described is going to allow these things to affect the rest of her life, and that, to me, is the saddest part of your whole post.

 

Think about the poor soul out there that could truly provide your every need, given a chance, without you having to drop your guard.

 

He's out there.

[Ratty]

You know this might seem strange but maybe Rick has a point. When I was talking to the MC we were talking about why people cheat and maybe Rick was right about the WS not being in love with the BS anymore.

 

Maybe I had fallen out of love with my H at the time that I cheated on him because I certainly love him a lot more now and know I would never cheat on him again. So if WS need that jolt to make them realise what a great person they are married to and fall in love with them again then Rick would be right.

 

Maybe if I hadn't had that one night stand I would be looking for a divorce now...?

[ecco]

Wow we kind of went off track with the HE/SHE blame

A cheater is a cheater no matter what they sex they are

and there are plenty out there.

You had to tell your H because you could not live with

what you have done to him. It took you long enough but

you came clean, and you should be commended for that.

Sure maybe you could have "TAKEN IT TO YOUR GRAVE"

But it is YOU that would have to carry that weight as you did

for that one year. It tormented you so much that you did the

right thing. Now do you think you could have

TAKEN IT TO YOUR GRAVE ? Would have been a long ride.

Sorry but my personal opinion is that there NO excuses for cheating.

If you feel that something is missing or lacking then you must

communicate with each other. If you don't tell him what your feeling

or where the void is then how is he supposed to fill the void.

Hang tight you both will do fine Good luck

As for Ricks comments,

I must say that I see where Rick is coming from

Every time I hear a women say That men are pigs I want to yank

their tongue out. I want to tell them,

Don't blame me for their poor choice of men.

Then along comes this:

"Take it to the grave!" (She must have big closets)

And this:

"love her husband, care for their children, work hard,

cook what he likes, wear what he likes, have sex as often as he

likes and any way he likes, work out and keep her figure through the years ...

and he will cheat anyway." (I guess you didn't look at who this thread was about)

Great support, I would have been thrashed if it were me who said

this to a male in a situation such as Ratty's.

Rick has his points, It's just that they are a little sharper then everyone else.

Ratty please do not take any of this as a personal attack on you

I know you will do fine

 

Our lives improve only when we take chances - and the first and most difficult risk

we can take is to be honest with ourselves.

[Ratty]

You know ecco....I'm not really taking Rick's comments to heart. I told my H what he said and he told me that he 's bitter and that he doesn't know me or anything about me. I don't think I'm a bad person. I think I did something very very stupid and am extremely angry with myself and disappointed in myself. I do wish I hadn't been so foolish and I also know that if I hadn't been drunk I would never have had sex. I'm not using it as an excuse because there's every possibility that I would've still kissed him, but I'm actually not the kind of person who opens her legs to guys, in fact I'm still very shy about being naked in front of my H years later!!

 

Anyway, my H loves me and I love him. He said that he trusts me and would have no problem with me going out with guys drinking or otherwise. He knows me, knows where I was and where he was at that stage in our lives. He just understands me. He knows I wouldn't deliberately go out and hurt him. He knows I'm not vindictive and he also knows that I learn from my mistakes.

 

I love him very very much and when he talks to me about us growing old together and playing with our grandkids, it really makes me cry. He is the most amazing person, and I know I don't deserve him but I am so happy that I have him.

[Rick5478]

Your husband is a great guy. It's funny though how you say you're not using alcohol as an excuse, but the fact that you brought it up proves that you are using it as an excuse. Women always say their not using alcohol as an excuse right before they do just that. But whatever. Your husband loves you. He doesn't really care that you cheated on him and he still doesn't care that you go out drinking with other guys after you did that once and cheated on him. He's got the spine of a jellyfish and I suspect that your husband pees sitting down. I feel sorry for him and whatever bitterness I had towards you before, Rat, I no longer have because based on your description of your husband, I see what kind of a man you're dealing with. LOL. The whole thing just makes me laugh now. Good luck in your quest for honesty and faithfulness.

[opaleye]

Hey.

 

I hope that your husband is not serious about trusting you to go out and drink with other guys after what happened? That's just weird! Surely not!

 

If this is the case and he really doesn't care if you go out drinking with other guys then maybe that's a problem to be addressed- what I mean is if that was me who had cheated and then my husband said that he trusted me to go out drinking with other guys then I would feel like he didn't care about me enough to think about it and didn't see me as worth keeping, kind of like "Sure honey, I know you had sex with your ex while drunk but now I trust you so go out and get hammered with some guys, I am sure nothing will happen........." wtf?

 

It would make more sense (to me) if he said that he didn't want you going out drinking with other guys. This wouldn't be unreasoable given the circumstances- sometimes you have to give up certain things (like going drinking with men) when you are married and trying to rebuild your life together. I would say that a degree of caution on both your parts would be a good idea!

[RecordProducer]

DON'T TELL HIM, FOR GOD SAKE!!!!!!

 

What happened remained in the past. Stop thinking about it. You don't need to know whether you did start having sex or not. You were drunk like a cistern and you don't remember anything. It wasn't you. The feeling of guilt proves you were not being yourself. Don't ever tell him. He already forgave you and he doesn't want to know it. He doesn't want to be hurt. Do you want him to feel awful and suffer? If you do then you don't love him.

Forget the honesty now! You should have thought of morality before getting drunk, now it's too late. Now you can only save your relationship by sparing your husband from the details. He said he forgives you - so move on.

You want to feel better about what you did and wash your hands. Well let the remorse be your punishment, it will teach you the lesson needed. Spare your husband (and yourself). It was a stupid thing you did and people make mistakes. But how you handle the consequences of your mistakes is more important. So instead of having one consequence to deal with, you're raising their number by telling your husband what he doesn't need to know. You made a decision to not do it again. Why did you need him to tell you that?

Don't pay attention to the comments about trust, your husband's spine, your moral values, etc. These people have no better things to do but judge and preach others what they have heard on TV. They better look at themselves in the mirror. In this forum everyone seems to be perfect. We are anonymous here and I see posts where people say "I am a member of this forum, but I don't want to be rercognized"...go figure! The only way we recognize each other is by some stupid nicknames and the info we give about our lives. If we're ashamed of our lives and thoughts and feelings then we're totally screwed!

What I am saying is: everyone should let their feelings and opinions out, you should be who you are (that includes kissing your ex and mistakes like that here and there), but you have every right to be ashamed of your mistakes and not tell about them. You did what you did once and now move on!

[Ratty]

RP, I already told my H everything from that night and he forgives me. As for going out with guys, I don't really do it but he said if I did go drinking with some male friends it wouldn't bother him...UNLESS it's with my ex. Obviously that's understandable.

 

And Rick, I was drunk. That is a FACT not an EXCUSE. But I do know that if I wasn't drunk it wouldn't have happened. Anyway, regardless of that, it did happen and I'm dealing with it.

 

I think the reason my H is so reasonable now is because I told him the next day that I thought I had sex with my ex and he blew his top. He really got mad and I was so afraid that I said that I only kissed him. My H said he knew all along that I had backtracked because I was afraid and that he has dealt with his anger over the last year and is fine now.

 

It still does seem a little strange but he has agreed to go back to MC so if he has any problems they should, hopefully, surface during these sessions.

 

Thank you all for your advice.

[Mz. Pixie]

Okay, is it just me or does it not sound like perhaps Ratty's husband LIKES the thought of her sleeping with other guys???

 

Some men do........just a thought.

[opaleye]

Ratty- that does make sense about your husband dealing with it previously. I would just say to you to stay away from other guys when you are drinking. Just to be safe and to show your husband that you respect him enough to not make him worry- even if he says it doesn't bother him I think that deep down it must always be a concern.

 

I admire the way you stay so calm on this thread and don't get really defensive and angry with peoples comments.

 

Good luck with everything and DON"T MAKE THE MISTAKE AGAIN!!!!!!!

[RecordProducer]

"Okay, is it just me or does it not sound like perhaps Ratty's husband LIKES the thought of her sleeping with other guys???"

 

Mz. Pixie, you're a riot!

 

Perhaps he has cheated on her in the past and thinks to himself "Poor woman, how miserable she feels over nothing. If only she knew..."

Ratty told him she kisses a guy, he said "OK". Then she told him she actually had sex with him, he said "OK". I wonder how he will react if she tells him she had sex with him 10 days in a row...

 

Ratty, I am just trying to cheer you up.

[Mz. Pixie]

Seriously, I don't think it's natural for him to be reacting this way. The more I think about it, the more that comes to me.

 

It could be guilt- he's done it before and he wants to feel better about himself.

 

Could be that it really doesn't bother him though.

 

It's wierd- men usually take their women to be their sexual property and anyone violating that territory has "pissed on their fire hydrant" so to speak.

[Moose]

It's wierd- men usually take their women to be their sexual property and anyone violating that territory has "pissed on their fire hydrant" so to speak.

Then there is the other end of the spectrum where men get off on watching other men take their wives. It's more common than even I thought. Sick, but common. The person wanting to have a 3some with me and my wife, her husband would love to watch......it'll never happen, trust me!

[Ratty]

Believe me Ms P. he certainly wouldn't get off watching someone else have sex with me, or even thinking about it. He's very down to earth and moralistic, which is why I'm surprised he wasn't angrier. But maybe he believes he should forgive me. Maybe he thinks that is the 'right' thing to do, I don't know.

 

We have a fantastic sex life and it hasn't changed at all since telling him. I am genuinely beginning to believe him when he says he has dealt with it already, he sure seems to have anyway.