Anybody else reluctant to start dating

[Eggplant]

I want to know whether anybody else feels the same as I do right now. I'm 27. I've been single for 2 years. I have not made any attempt to date anybody or see anybody. And I find it so relaxing being single. I feel pressure to start dating so I can have children eventually, but I really am dragging my feet to do it, because I hate the idea of giving up the freedom that comes along with being single. I'm in grad school, I work 90 hours a week, and I want the freedom to just work or exercise, or sleep, or do whatever needs to happen, without having any obligation to a partner. Anybody else, or is this weird?

[Tayken]

I am the opposite, in my 40s with a child and was married for 9yrs. I can assure you that once you get married, you can sort of kiss all those things you mentioned goodbye or have the timings dropped to a low

 

You should not be getting married because everyone is doing it and posting pics on facebook. These people don't post breakup pics

 

However, if you do decide to go ahead, please do NOT based your decision of choosing a partner on looks and looks only. Here are a few things that should be high on your list...mutual respect, friendship, teamwork, someone who has a steady job, sincerity and honesty. Ignore all this at your own peril.

 

As a divorced single dad, I get to enjoy freedom i.e. time for myself every other week, and I am down well sure what I want or need moving forward.

[No Limit]

My free time will reach a low point next week when I get into 'college'. I'm single and still I can kiss plenty of stuff like gaming goodbye for a while, which will be a pretty exhausting time.

 

Except for school I'll spend most of my time in trains -- even if the love of my life would suddenly appear, there's no room for anything but school anymore.

[OwMyEyeball]

Yikes. 90 hour work weeks? I can see how your free time would feel precious!

 

Where's the pressure to start dating coming from? A strong urge to start a family? Is that internal pressure or coming from outside (family, etc.)?

[Mr Scorpio]

Absolutely. I don't even try dating because I don't feel I'm anywhere near "showroom ready". At the same time, even if I were, there is a significant part of me that is very greedy about my time.

 

For every time I feel lonely and wish I had someone to spend time with, I remind myself of the times I did have someone and wanted nothing more than a few nights alone.

[leavesonautumn]

Not weird. I actually enjoy being single and living stress-free. People just tell me I haven't met the right person but I tend to be on the extreme end of introverted and can literally spend an entire weekend by myself and feel great. That's not to say I don't have friends or go out, I would just much rather spend time by myself.

 

If I meet someone, that's great but I am not actively searching or ever really interested in people.

[Eggplant]

Yikes. 90 hour work weeks? I can see how your free time would feel precious!

 

Where's the pressure to start dating coming from? A strong urge to start a family? Is that internal pressure or coming from outside (family, etc.)?

Internal, as I'm female, and want children somebody, and there's a clock on all of us ladies.

[Eggplant]

I am the opposite, in my 40s with a child and was married for 9yrs. I can assure you that once you get married, you can sort of kiss all those things you mentioned goodbye or have the timings dropped to a low

I love being a single unit. It's something you don't get as a minor, and don't get as a married person.

 

 

You should not be getting married because everyone is doing it and posting pics on facebook. These people don't post breakup pics

Not an issue.

 

However, if you do decide to go ahead, please do NOT based your decision of choosing a partner on looks and looks only. Here are a few things that should be high on your list...mutual respect, friendship, teamwork, someone who has a steady job, sincerity and honesty. Ignore all this at your own peril.

You didn't mention love -- why? I'd say without a deep friendship and love, I'd rather just be single and maybe childless than bother with a marriage.

 

As a divorced single dad, I get to enjoy freedom i.e. time for myself every other week, and I am down well sure what I want or need moving forward.

So ... are there some advantages in sharing parenting responsibilities with a partner to whom you aren't married? My parents divorced, and I lived half and half with each parent. Financially I bet it was harder for them, but I can see some advantages. Of course, they (lead me to believe at least) that they were unhappy about the time my sibling and I weren't there and both wanted full time.

[Tayken]

I love being a single unit. It's something you don't get as a minor, and don't get as a married person.

 

 

Not an issue.

 

You didn't mention love -- why? I'd say without a deep friendship and love, I'd rather just be single and maybe childless than bother with a marriage.

 

So ... are there some advantages in sharing parenting responsibilities with a partner to whom you aren't married? My parents divorced, and I lived half and half with each parent. Financially I bet it was harder for them, but I can see some advantages. Of course, they (lead me to believe at least) that they were unhappy about the time my sibling and I weren't there and both wanted full time.

 

 

No disrespect, but I think your age is showing here, as well as inexperience.

 

Bold 1: Yes I did not mention "love" because it is subjective and does not supersede those factors I mentioned. For most young people, their definition of love is based around the superficial/infatuation...he /she is cute and has a nice bod. How many young people consider all the factors I mentioned?

 

Bold 2: In family law, it's always about 'best interest of the child', not what either parent wants for their own ulterior motive. In situations where there is no factual case of physical abuse, gambling, drugs, alcohol, the de-facto assumption is that in the breakdown of a relationship, the child/ren deserves to have both parents in their lives.

 

So to answer your question..it's not about what you want or your hatred for the other person, and trying to deny them time with their kid(s) by being spiteful, or to get more child support (which a lot of women do these days)

 

Spending time with both parents in the absence of all the bad stuff mentioned above, will always trump growing up with only one parent which messes up the child psychologically. You can't replace an ex with a new partner especially if they have kid(s) of their own i.e. blended family.

[Allumere]

I want to know whether anybody else feels the same as I do right now. I'm 27. I've been single for 2 years. I have not made any attempt to date anybody or see anybody. And I find it so relaxing being single. I feel pressure to start dating so I can have children eventually, but I really am dragging my feet to do it, because I hate the idea of giving up the freedom that comes along with being single. I'm in grad school, I work 90 hours a week, and I want the freedom to just work or exercise, or sleep, or do whatever needs to happen, without having any obligation to a partner. Anybody else, or is this weird?

 

In general, it isn't unusual to be challenged by giving up "you" time however when you meet the right person in the early days of dating it won't feel that way at all. To be honest, your issue is your schedule. 90 hours a week plus grad school = NO LIFE. You don't have time for anything. Why 90 hours? Let me tell you as someone much older than yourself that is currently in an 80 hour work cycle....when you die, how many hours you work means NOTHING. Oh, and at the moment I have no life because of it...and it makes it very challenging to maintain friendships and any resemblance of a social life and that is not healthy.

[Eggplant]

In general, it isn't unusual to be challenged by giving up "you" time however when you meet the right person in the early days of dating it won't feel that way at all. To be honest, your issue is your schedule. 90 hours a week plus grad school = NO LIFE. You don't have time for anything. Why 90 hours? Let me tell you as someone much older than yourself that is currently in an 80 hour work cycle....when you die, how many hours you work means NOTHING. Oh, and at the moment I have no life because of it...and it makes it very challenging to maintain friendships and any resemblance of a social life and that is not healthy.

It's 90 hours a week OF school, not in addition. That would be nuts. It's temporary, and I love every minute of it.

[Eggplant]

Bold 1: Yes I did not mention "love" because it is subjective and does not supersede those factors I mentioned. For most young people, their definition of love is based around the superficial/infatuation...he /she is cute and has a nice bod. How many young people consider all the factors I mentioned?

I don't think young people are all as superficial as you deem. I can't speak for other (young) people, but the factors you mentioned have always been essential for me, and love is developed from the friendship and honesty, not the physical attraction.

 

 

So do you think a marriage between people who openly and honestly don't love each other is a good idea? Because I'm NEVER saying "I love you," if it's not true. As you said -- honesty is paramount.

[Priv]

It's 90 hours a week OF school, not in addition. That would be nuts. It's temporary, and I love every minute of it.

 

Just curious, what do you study that requires 90 hours a week? Because I know of no such degree, unless maybe you have to redo a lot of stuff or find it hard (in which case I have a lot of respect for you, my sister keeps failing at statistics but just keeps on trying/going).

[Mister Zen]

I want to know whether anybody else feels the same as I do right now. I'm 27. I've been single for 2 years. I have not made any attempt to date anybody or see anybody. And I find it so relaxing being single. I feel pressure to start dating so I can have children eventually, but I really am dragging my feet to do it, because I hate the idea of giving up the freedom that comes along with being single. I'm in grad school, I work 90 hours a week, and I want the freedom to just work or exercise, or sleep, or do whatever needs to happen, without having any obligation to a partner. Anybody else, or is this weird?

 

I feel exactly like you. I'm 30 and social and family pressure is increasing. Most of my friends are in relationships or married. Its getting lonely. But I do enjoy my freedom.

 

Part of me wants to be in a relationship, but I'm very selective since bad relationships are worse than no relationship. I also want something deep which is hard to find. Most women I meet are shallow, materialistic, slutty or in a rush to get married. I'm none of these.

 

Its very easy to meet people, but finding quality is like pulling teeth.

[hellon]

OP, I don't really think you should be worrying about dating b/c of your long term plan to have kids, if at the moment you don't even want to have an obligation to a partner. Wait until you feel like you have more of yourself to give to think about any of these things.

[Tayken]

I don't think young people are all as superficial as you deem. I can't speak for other (young) people, but the factors you mentioned have always been essential for me, and love is developed from the friendship and honesty, not the physical attraction.

 

 

So do you think a marriage between people who openly and honestly don't love each other is a good idea? Because I'm NEVER saying "I love you," if it's not true. As you said -- honesty is paramount.

 

This happens more than you can shake a stick at. There are some men and women out there who get married based on infatuation only e.g. the sex, looks, body. I am sure you've heard of people splitting up months and a couple of years after marriage.

 

Tow people that "love" each other, also don't have to get married. Women want this more than men do, and these days it's for the wrong reasons.

 

Personally...I ain't doing it again!

[Eggplant]

Just curious, what do you study that requires 90 hours a week? Because I know of no such degree, unless maybe you have to redo a lot of stuff or find it hard (in which case I have a lot of respect for you, my sister keeps failing at statistics but just keeps on trying/going).

It's the research that takes almost all the time. I work closely with professors who themselves are working non-stop, and they expect it. It's a STEM major, but I'm not giving out too many personal specs. I don't know why.

[Eggplant]

Tow people that "love" each other, also don't have to get married. Women want this more than men do, and these days it's for the wrong reasons.

What I want isn't the marriage in and of itself but for the man to want to marry me. If he said, "I don't care whether we marry, but I'll appease you," that would be of little value to me.

 

 

If you're talking about starting a family, that's a extremely large and irreversible jump. He's got to minimally be down for signing the stupid paper. Otherwise it bodes ill.

 

 

Also, sometimes women go into denial about a man's level of commitment, trying to pretend he's there for her when he isn't. This phenomenon is all over LS. Some black-and-white metric of commitment like marriage is a useful barometer. Furthermore, it's only legal to marry one person in most places. This makes it harder for liars to con multiple partners.

[hotpotato]

Howdy!

 

Im a lot like you. I work a lot, im 27, and ive been single for awhile.

 

When I get off work, I dont want to socialize. Im used to coming and going as I please. No man, no kids. I do feel a little pressure to hurry up and get hitched, but not enough to make me date. *shrug*