Protecting the marriage when in affair

[hippetyhop]

<Moderation note: Posts moved from another thread due to departure from topic>

 

 

Yes! I realized after the fact that exMM wanted "space" at times (he claimed due to his emotional vulnerabilities, lol)...it was so he could convince the suspecting spouse that nothing was going on.

 

Do we have the same MM? I really hope not.

 

With the emotional vulnerabilities you are spot on- he put the guard up around me and set boundaries so he doesn't get as vested in me as he was. He knows he can be vested in me. But he chose to set the boundaries and I think that scared him.

 

It took time- but once I truly figured that out, I knew I needed to take a step back.

 

Whats the point of continuing then? I never gave him an opportunity to miss me as I was always at his beck and calling. He had NO problem taking these 'breaks' to get his W's suspicions down.

 

Once he told me they were going to 'try and save it' and he wanted to still hear from me more than not as we have awesome chemistry and he loved me, I knew she knew and he's trying to tame her. I really hope they can save it for the sake of them and their kids, I really do.

 

Right now at the end of the day, he still wants to be married. I can't change that (well, I could- he gave me her cell phone number JUST in case she calls me. I can do ultimate damage ) I can change making me me happy though. Unfortunately, he doesn't want to be part of that.

 

I think it hurt me more than I thought and he thought as well. But for once, I'm in control.

Edited September 13, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Goodbye]

Do we have the same MM? I really hope not.

 

With the emotional vulnerabilities you are spot on- he put the guard up around me and set boundaries so he doesn't get as vested in me as he was. He knows he can be vested in me. But he chose to set the boundaries and I think that scared him.

 

It took time- but once I truly figured that out, I knew I needed to take a step back.

 

Whats the point of continuing then? I never gave him an opportunity to miss me as I was always at his beck and calling. He had NO problem taking these 'breaks' to get his W's suspicions down.

 

Once he told me they were going to 'try and save it' and he wanted to still hear from me more than not as we have awesome chemistry and he loved me, I knew she knew and he's trying to tame her. I really hope they can save it for the sake of them and their kids, I really do.

 

Right now at the end of the day, he still wants to be married. I can't change that (well, I could- he gave me her cell phone number JUST in case she calls me. I can do ultimate damage ) I can change making me me happy though. Unfortunately, he doesn't want to be part of that.

 

I think it hurt me more than I thought and he thought as well. But for once, I'm in control.

 

 

 

 

 

He gave you her cellphone number? Really? Why?

[hippetyhop]

He gave you her cellphone number? Really? Why?

 

Too long too write from my phone. Ill fill you in tonight. That was the beginning of the breaking point.

[Quiet Storm]

He is protecting his marriage, by going to marriage counseling and warning you not to pick up her call.

 

His mouth says he wants to leave, but his actions say he wants to say. He doesn't want his wife to know he's lying, he goes to MC, he had a chance to leave when they split up and yet he still went back.

 

You think that because he loves you it means he will leave, but that just doesn't happen in most cases.

 

He values his marriage more, regardless of love, which is why he is trying to prove himself to her and not you. His actions show that he only has his best interests at heart, and isn't considering your or his wife's feelings. They show that he values the marriage most, whether it be for love, money, kids, finances, etc. For many men, love is just not that important. It's fun, it's exciting and they will take what you are willing to offer up, but it's not important enough to change his life.

 

So for many OW, it comes down to them eventually realizing that although MM loves her, all he wants is an affair. OW either has to sacrifice, tolerate, accommodate in the name of love, indefinitely, or cope with the heartbreak of letting the man she loves go, because she loves herself more.

 

It's good you are distancing yourself, but it's really just a tactic to get his attention, not to protect yourself from the pain. What will you do when he only wants more affair? Will you sacrifice what you really want and deserve, just so you can have some of him? Will you accommodate his marriage, just to experience the way he makes you feel? You need a plan for how you will handle this, so that you can be prepared if you realize he only wants an affair.

 

I know you love him and have faith in him, but remember to honor yourself and what you need. Because you can't depend on him to have a vested interest in what's best for you. And when he shows you that he values his wife's feelings more than yours, believe those actions, not his word. It takes a lot more effort to go to marriage counseling than to say words out of his mouth. His love for you and connection to you is not enough to put your feelings first. He could be a coward, but most likely he just wants to stay married.

Edited September 13, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[hippetyhop]

He is protecting his marriage, by going to marriage counseling and warning you not to pick up her call.

 

His mouth says he wants to leave, but his actions say he wants to say. He doesn't want his wife to know he's lying, he goes to MC, he had a chance to leave when they split up and yet he still went back.

 

You think that because he loves you it means he will leave, but that just doesn't happen in most cases.

 

He values his marriage more, regardless of love, which is why he is trying to prove himself to her and not you. His actions show that he only has his best interests at heart, and isn't considering your or his wife's feelings. They show that he values the marriage most, whether it be for love, money, kids, finances, etc. For many men, love is just not that important. It's fun, it's exciting and they will take what you are willing to offer up, but it's not important enough to change his life.

 

So for many OW, it comes down to them eventually realizing that although MM loves her, all he wants is an affair. OW either has to sacrifice, tolerate, accommodate in the name of love, indefinitely, or cope with the heartbreak of letting the man she loves go, because she loves herself more.

 

It's good you are distancing yourself, but it's really just a tactic to get his attention, not to protect yourself from the pain. What will you do when he only wants more affair? Will you sacrifice what you really want and deserve, just so you can have some of him? Will you accommodate his marriage, just to experience the way he makes you feel? You need a plan for how you will handle this, so that you can be prepared if you realize he only wants an affair.

 

I know you love him and have faith in him, but remember to honor yourself and what you need. Because you can't depend on him to have a vested interest in what's best for you. And when he shows you that he values his wife's feelings more than yours, believe those actions, not his word. It takes a lot more effort to go to marriage counseling than to say words out of his mouth. His love for you and connection to you is not enough to put your feelings first. He could be a coward, but most likely he just wants to stay married.

 

I completely agree that is why he's going through MC, despite when he told me MC wasn't working. I know through all of this his actions were for his own good. When it got real re. divorcing, he became a coward. I even said in a thread I started that he still wants to be married. I want to be married one day too. I'm not getting any closer to that if I'm dwelling over him.

 

I'm not sure his reasons for staying either. Kids, finances, love.. who knows. 3 kids 6 and under is a huge child support bill. That is exactly why he told me not to pick up. He was scared crapless when he realize she took his text message log.

 

They have a HUGE family issue in the mix that is affecting their M also; not just this. He told me he won't disclose the A during MC. He knows he should, but he won't. She knows of the A. But he won't admit. This was 3 weeks ago. So who knows what happened after that. Lots of rug sweeping during MC.

 

I know he's choosing his M over me for whatever reason, and I'm not going to settle for that. Being 'friends' is out of the question. It hurts, it really does despite him loving me or not. His option was clear when he decided to reconcile.

 

I am distancing myself so I can move on; not for the attention. After 9 days of NC from him, it was a start.

 

Me not giving into him is a flag I'm done. If not, I would have initiated contact or responded. He's keeping me on the back burner. I won't tolerate that anymore. What can he possibly say to me next? I'm sorry? I'll give you more attention? He can't give me all his attention, and do so while being married. So, there is no more giving me an affair because I won't take anymore.

 

Its a hard dose of reality for OW/OM. It is. The reality of them actually leaving is not a good chance. You have to walk away for your own sake.

[whichwayisup]

3 kids 6 and under is a huge child support bill.

 

Another reason for him to stay. Not because of the child support he'd be paying, more because he has 3 kids under the age of 6! Obviously his marriage isn't that bad that he's continued to have children with his wife..

 

He can't give his marriage any chance with you still in his life.

 

Does his wife have any idea that he's been having an affair?

[GettingOver]

He is protecting his marriage, by going to marriage counseling and warning you not to pick up her call.

 

His mouth says he wants to leave, but his actions say he wants to say. He doesn't want his wife to know he's lying, he goes to MC, he had a chance to leave when they split up and yet he still went back.

 

You think that because he loves you it means he will leave, but that just doesn't happen in most cases.

 

He values his marriage more, regardless of love, which is why he is trying to prove himself to her and not you. His actions show that he only has his best interests at heart, and isn't considering your or his wife's feelings. They show that he values the marriage most, whether it be for love, money, kids, finances, etc.

 

It takes a lot more effort to go to marriage counseling than to say words out of his mouth. His love for you and connection to you is not enough to put your feelings first. He could be a coward, but most likely he just wants to stay married.

 

I cannot say it better... My MM also did MC. When I moved to his city (we were in LDR for 2,5 years) I realized that his lack of attention/busy, etc. is not coming from where we actually live... I told him that since I managed to move and be close to him I would like to see him more often on a regular basis, say 2-3 times a week and that would include weekeds, but not all of them. He said that he would be ready to leave once his both kids are 18 - which would take 2,5 years. So I told him - if I am waiting that long - let's have a compromise - you are available for me 2-3 times a week. Talk to wife and probably negotiate an open marriage or smth - I gave him options. He asked to think it over for a month. Guess what happened after that month? He dediced to go MC at his OWN initiative and see if the marriage can be saved and "za-za-zu" could be back to THEIR relationship. He loved me so much but instead of getting ready to exit the marriage softly he did something completely opposite.

My experience from "taking breaks" mostly initiated by me cause it is very exhausting to be the last priority - is that once I distance myself and ask him to leave me alone - he immediately wants me back, offers help, his company, etc. though when I would be close he would be "busy" and taking me for granted... I guess the chances of MM getting a D are increasing once he realizes that the OW is gone for good and doesn't want him anymore.

[bathtub-row]

Last year there was a company Xmas party, at which xMM would be there (he lives out of town, owns the company; I see him 2 or 3 times a week on televised meetings). I was concerned that his family would be at the Xmas party with him - like the year before. I didn't want to be around that situation, of course, and I was worried that the same thing would happen last year, so I brought a date.

 

xMM's wife didn't show up but 2 of his grown kids did (one of them knows about his dad's affair with me -- that's a whole other story). xMM was very jealous of my date. Now, don't get me wrong, he never acts out and he's extremely cool and collected, like most executives, but I knew he was jealous. Actually, that kind of surprised me. Anyway, in the parking lot when we were all leaving the party, he gave me a hug goodbye and whispered, "I love you." I just laughed and walked away. The translation of the ILY was, "I'm totally jealous of this guy and please don't sleep with him tonight." Lol.

 

I decided that it was good for him to know what it feels like to watch someone you love walk away with another person, and wonder what they're doing together. If I had been in the place I was once in where every word he uttered was golden, I would've taken his ILY seriously. But I knew better. To this day, I never once brought up what he said to me that night. I figured out a long time ago that, while he may want to keep me on the hook, he's not going to change his nice life for me. Also, I think there's a part of him that just enjoys the crush, flirtation, history - whatever you want to call it - between us. But it's more like a game to him, side entertainment.

 

He never promised that he'd leave his marriage so that, I suppose, was his saving grace -- that he didn't lie to me. Still, I won't let him toy with my emotions anymore and, the truth is, he admires me for not caving in. Once, when he was in town, we had a great evening together and then he invited me to his hotel room. I didn't go. The next day, he told me that I was smart not to get involved with him like that. I sensed that he was glad I kept him from going down that path again because of all the complications it caused. I told him that if I were with him, I was going to have expectations and it would destroy our friendship, which is actually very dear to both of us. He agreed.

 

See? His agreeing to what I said told me that nothing had changed. And it never will. I would've gone up to the room with him, had great sex after a great evening and, the next day, it would've meant nothing except more heartache. For me. Just me.

 

These situations can make you nuts but once you gain control over your raging emotions and take control back over yourself, things can get better, even if it doesn't work out. It's just a matter of learning to distance yourself and learning from the past.

[hippetyhop]

Get Over- The MC is an eye opener, isn't it?

MM has to work on priorities and figure out what he wants. The MC was the breaking point for me. Maybe its what I needed to get past this whole thing.

 

Hopefully the MC can work to save their marriage. When we were talking about it, I asked him how long they were going through MC. He said 'quite some time' and I asked if it was helping. He said 'no.' Like I said, removing myself from the equation can be what is needed for him to actually focus on their marriage.

 

Their M had issues prior to the A.

 

Bathtub- I know MM is keeping me on the back burner, and I won't tolerate that. The 'friends' play is just to keep me hanging until W calms down and gives him some freedom. Perhaps that is why MC is for- to calm her down? (This suggestion was actually given to me by a guy friend who went through MC post A). If not, then why all the rugsweeping and keeping of the A? Why still talk to me during MC? BC he knows if he admits, their M would be over.

 

I'm not going to waste any more time on him.

[hippetyhop]

Another reason for him to stay. Not because of the child support he'd be paying, more because he has 3 kids under the age of 6! Obviously his marriage isn't that bad that he's continued to have children with his wife..

 

He can't give his marriage any chance with you still in his life.

 

Does his wife have any idea that he's been having an affair?

 

That is why I left the A on my own account. He can't fix his marriage with me in his life. The MC was the last straw for me. I asked him if he was fine with us still talking during his MC. He said 'absolutely', but I just can't come to terms with it.

 

His wife knows but is in denial. She knows her husband's antics. She's questioned my number popping up at least 3 times on his cell phone bill. She's been told her husband 'being up to no good' and was provided proof as well. I found this out from a mutual friend of mine.

 

She's never questioned him directly. She asked him if he had anything he needed to tell her. He said 'no.'

[bathtub-row]

Bathtub- I know MM is keeping me on the back burner, and I won't tolerate that. The 'friends' play is just to keep me hanging until W calms down and gives him some freedom. Perhaps that is why MC is for- to calm her down? (This suggestion was actually given to me by a guy friend who went through MC post A). If not, then why all the rugsweeping and keeping of the A? Why still talk to me during MC? BC he knows if he admits, their M would be over.

 

I'm not going to waste any more time on him.

 

That would be a defining moment for me, too. I don't think xMM ever went through counseling. He has resigned himself to how things are. But, yeah, there's only one way to interpret what MM said to you. If he said he was doing MC to get her used to the idea of them divorcing, that would be understandable (I actually did that with an ex). But that's not what he's saying. And, yeah, if he were truly working on his marriage, then any connection with you would end.

 

There just comes a point where you've got to pull out of them game. For your own sanity and well-being. We can play guessing games all day long about what they're thinking, what they're doing, how they really feel, blah blah blah. I don't like playing guessing games.

[hippetyhop]

That would be a defining moment for me, too. I don't think xMM ever went through counseling. He has resigned himself to how things are. But, yeah, there's only one way to interpret what MM said to you. If he said he was doing MC to get her used to the idea of them divorcing, that would be understandable (I actually did that with an ex). But that's not what he's saying. And, yeah, if he were truly working on his marriage, then any connection with you would end.

 

There just comes a point where you've got to pull out of them game. For your own sanity and well-being. We can play guessing games all day long about what they're thinking, what they're doing, how they really feel, blah blah blah. I don't like playing guessing games.

 

MM could have told me that he needed to end it with me to focus on his M. I shouldn't be the one telling him I need to end this so he can focus on his M since they are in MC.

 

I need to pull the plug for that reason, and so I can find someone who can be with me. I wouldn't have to play guessing games either if he decided not to go 9 days without shooting me a message. Really, that gave me the opportunity I need to reassess the situation.

[bathtub-row]

Really, that gave me the opportunity I need to reassess the situation.

 

Clarity. It can be a good thing.

 

There's no reason to concern yourself with what he should or shouldn't be doing with his marriage. What is concerning is that he told you he's trying to salvage his marriage. I think that's a very clear message about where you stand. You're right, it's time to exit stage left. Any other choice on your part will destroy your self-esteem.

[hippetyhop]

Clarity. It can be a good thing.

 

There's no reason to concern yourself with what he should or shouldn't be doing with his marriage. What is concerning is that he told you he's trying to salvage his marriage. I think that's a very clear message about where you stand. You're right, it's time to exit stage left. Any other choice on your part will destroy your self-esteem.

 

I'm hoping the clarity can be a good thing. After him not responding, that gave me the 'green light' to leave.

 

The MC shows me where I do stand- however, he wouldn't have told me about it unless he wasn't afraid she was going to call me. That is the only reason he told me. He didn't give me any indicating there were issues there; just the same mundane things. The moment he told me they were in MC, I knew deep down I can't continue with him in my life if he is genuinely working on his marriage them going through MC for 'quite some time' and not telling me? What does it say about him working on his marriage continuing to talk to me? Is his attempt genuine?

 

Nobody knows they are going through MC. He/They haven't told friends (my sister- how I know him- was talking to me about them. She told me they need MC with issues) so I'm not sure if that is routine or not.

[William]

Per request from the designated author, relevant postings have been copied or moved to a new thread.

 

If the designated author of this thread would like it re-titled, simply alert on the starting post and request it. Thanks!

[hippetyhop]

Thank you, William.

 

I think the title sums it up correctly.

[Lovemesomehim]

That is why I left the A on my own account. He can't fix his marriage with me in his life. The MC was the last straw for me. I asked him if he was fine with us still talking during his MC. He said 'absolutely', but I just can't come to terms with it.

 

His wife knows but is in denial. She knows her husband's antics. She's questioned my number popping up at least 3 times on his cell phone bill. She's been told her husband 'being up to no good' and was provided proof as well. I found this out from a mutual friend of mine.

 

She's never questioned him directly. She asked him if he had anything he needed to tell her. He said 'no.'

 

His inability to confess to his wife that he's involved with another woman is proof that the marriage had problems caused by him not being able to communicate effectively with his wife. He took the cowards way out by not being honest with the woman he choose to marry. Yet he can be honest with the woman he choose to have an affair with. Smdh cause I can't

[Lovemesomehim]

Most women, not all, can see a number being called frequently on her husbands phone, ask him about it, pretend we believe the lie and do our own investigating.

 

Maybe she knows about you and refuses to give up her marriage because he's perpetrating to you and to her. She loves him. The advantage she has over you, he's her husband. The sad thing about a WS, they cannot be honest (some).

[hippetyhop]

His inability to confess to his wife that he's involved with another woman is proof that the marriage had problems caused by him not being able to communicate effectively with his wife. He took the cowards way out by not being honest with the woman he choose to marry. Yet he can be honest with the woman he choose to have an affair with. Smdh cause I can't

 

Most women, not all, can see a number being called frequently on her husbands phone, ask him about it, pretend we believe the lie and do our own investigating.

 

Maybe she knows about you and refuses to give up her marriage because he's perpetrating to you and to her. She loves him. The advantage she has over you, he's her husband. The sad thing about a WS, they cannot be honest (some).

 

I cannot argue with either statement you made.

 

Re. their communication, he told me when we started the A that they have issues and communication was one of the two. I do not understand either how he can be upfront and forward with me, but not her? Of course, we're not married (obviously) but possibly if he's honest with her they'd be more on two different wavelengths and D would be more imminent? Like I said, he will not disclose the A to her although he knows that full disclosure is what is needed to make MC effective. He's not willing (at least right now) to do that.

 

She knows her H is involved, but doesn't know who I am. Let me rephrase- we met before so she knows me. We met 2x during my sister's wedding doings. She doesn't know its 'me' per se her H is texting. One night after some sexting, I text him the next day. I didn't hear back all day then at night, he said things weren't good and they were likely divorcing. I figured she read the texts. He didn't get into specifics, then he changed my name in his phone, and went on his own plan. This was end of June/beginning of July. Then a few days later, he said they were trying to 'save the marriage'. This is when about a month later she went all 'weird' on him and he told me about MC. That night, he sent me an email asking me to text him. I didn't. The next day, he sent me an email to saying to please text him as he deleted my number from his phone. Reluctantly, I did. I should have started NC then.

 

I'm still waiting for a call from her. I know why she didn't- because she doesn't want the realization to be true that her H had an affair. Deep down she knows, but rugsweeping is easier.

 

I'm doing what he wants- he's trying to cover his tracks so I'll leave no more tracks to cover by leaving.

[Lovemesomehim]

I cannot argue with either statement you made.

 

Re. their communication, he told me when we started the A that they have issues and communication was one of the two. I do not understand either how he can be upfront and forward with me, but not her? Of course, we're not married (obviously) but possibly if he's honest with her they'd be more on two different wavelengths and D would be more imminent? Like I said, he will not disclose the A to her although he knows that full disclosure is what is needed to make MC effective. He's not willing (at least right now) to do that.

 

She knows her H is involved, but doesn't know who I am. Let me rephrase- we met before so she knows me. We met 2x during my sister's wedding doings. She doesn't know its 'me' per se her H is texting. One night after some sexting, I text him the next day. I didn't hear back all day then at night, he said things weren't good and they were likely divorcing. I figured she read the texts. He didn't get into specifics, then he changed my name in his phone, and went on his own plan. This was end of June/beginning of July. Then a few days later, he said they were trying to 'save the marriage'. This is when about a month later she went all 'weird' on him and he told me about MC. That night, he sent me an email asking me to text him. I didn't. The next day, he sent me an email to saying to please text him as he deleted my number from his phone. Reluctantly, I did. I should have started NC then.

 

I'm still waiting for a call from her. I know why she didn't- because she doesn't want the realization to be true that her H had an affair. Deep down she knows, but rugsweeping is easier.

 

I'm doing what he wants- he's trying to cover his tracks so I'll leave no more tracks to cover by leaving.

 

You do realize that she can get information on who you are just by having your phone number, right? And if she's smart, she will gather all information she can so when the blow hits, it will not be so bad.

 

I'm only trying to let you see a different way of how some BS operate, when an affair is discovered. I watched my grandmother gather information on my step grandfather and when she was ready to leave him, she showed him proof of his affair but first she needed to get her ducks in a row to remain in the lifestyle she was accustomed to. Not all BS spouses are ignorant to the fact of an affair. She can play the game just as well as he can.

[hippetyhop]

You do realize that she can get information on who you are just by having your phone number, right? And if she's smart, she will gather all information she can so when the blow hits, it will not be so bad.

 

I'm only trying to let you see a different way of how some BS operate, when an affair is discovered. I watched my grandmother gather information on my step grandfather and when she was ready to leave him, she showed him proof of his affair but first she needed to get her ducks in a row to remain in the lifestyle she was accustomed to. Not all BS spouses are ignorant to the fact of an affair. She can play the game just as well as he can.

 

Oh, I know she can somehow get my cell phone number ran to see who the owner is. That would come back directly to me.

 

What do you mean when the blow hits? If he ever admits to the A?

 

I appreciate your trying to have me see the other side of this. It is necessary and crucial seeing how far BS are willing to go-- especially if she has incriminating evidence against her husband and he's denying it. She does have a good paying job and a family support system in the event she does plan on D. She's likely just living with it to keep the family together.

[whatatangledweb]

Seeing a number three times on a phone bill is not going to send up red flags for most people. Seeing it twenty or more sure will. These people are very good liars. They will say it is someone from work, spam, etc. When you trust someone you do not see everything as looking funny until you catch them cheating. Then you see all the little red flags.

 

I had the OW's number from the day I caught him. I never called her. No offense to the OW here but I could care less what she would have to say. Her opinions, views, what she think or what she would say happens matters not one bit to me. For me she was a nonentity . There will be his truth, her truth, and the real truth somewhere in the middle.

 

She may know or she may not. People stay for many reasons, one may be that she loves him.

[Poppy47]

How do you know he's having marriage counselling?

 

Poppy

[hippetyhop]

How do you know he's having marriage counselling?

 

Poppy

 

He told me they were since he was afraid she was going to tell me. He gave me her whole phone number.

[hippetyhop]

Seeing a number three times on a phone bill is not going to send up red flags for most people. Seeing it twenty or more sure will. These people are very good liars. They will say it is someone from work, spam, etc. When you trust someone you do not see everything as looking funny until you catch them cheating. Then you see all the little red flags.

 

I had the OW's number from the day I caught him. I never called her. No offense to the OW here but I could care less what she would have to say. Her opinions, views, what she think or what she would say happens matters not one bit to me. For me she was a nonentity . There will be his truth, her truth, and the real truth somewhere in the middle.

 

She may know or she may not. People stay for many reasons, one may be that she loves him.

 

There was a time he was calling me 7x a day before the first mini dday. We would text consistently morning noon and night.

 

That is exactly what he did. He told her my number was a co workers with the industry he's in but was still afraid she'll call me. He said a few weeks ago I'm in the clear but you never

know when the urge or suspicion will strike.