Protecting the marriage when in affair

[2sunny]

 

She's likely just living with it to keep the family together.

 

 

Or he could be like a lot of cheaters and be begging for her to take him back.

[hippetyhop]

Or he could be like a lot of cheaters and be begging for her to take him back.

 

Very true... for the however many times?

 

Honestly, for once I don't feel bad not texting him back. It's going on 2 weeks since I text him. I hope I don't regret it. Second guessing but gut feeling says says to stay away.

[2sunny]

Please hippety - get busy living and having fun!

 

You deserve way better than that creep who cheats and lies.

 

Go pick a wonderful man and have the time of your life!

 

Never settle!

[hippetyhop]

Please hippety - get busy living and having fun!

 

You deserve way better than that creep who cheats and lies.

 

Go pick a wonderful man and have the time of your life!

 

Never settle!

 

Oh I am! My first big accomplishment while out with friends was not texting him. You know what alcohol can do. I posted here instead

 

It'll take time... Or it may not as I'm keeping an open mind and options.

Edited September 14, 2014 by hippetyhop

[CaryAlston]

<Moderation note: Posts moved from another thread due to departure from topic>

 

 

 

 

Do we have the same MM? I really hope not.

 

With the emotional vulnerabilities you are spot on- he put the guard up around me and set boundaries so he doesn't get as vested in me as he was. He knows he can be vested in me. But he chose to set the boundaries and I think that scared him.

 

It took time- but once I truly figured that out, I knew I needed to take a step back.

 

Whats the point of continuing then? I never gave him an opportunity to miss me as I was always at his beck and calling. He had NO problem taking these 'breaks' to get his W's suspicions down.

 

Once he told me they were going to 'try and save it' and he wanted to still hear from me more than not as we have awesome chemistry and he loved me, I knew she knew and he's trying to tame her. I really hope they can save it for the sake of them and their kids, I really do.

 

Right now at the end of the day, he still wants to be married. I can't change that (well, I could- he gave me her cell phone number JUST in case she calls me. I can do ultimate damage ) I can change making me me happy though. Unfortunately, he doesn't want to be part of that.

 

I think it hurt me more than I thought and he thought as well. But for once, I'm in control.

It's good you left. However, I feel for the wife: she has a right to know what he did to her. I know many won't agree but I think you should tell her. If I were her, I'd rather know and be hurt than live in ignorant bliss. She should have a chance at true happiness, which won't happen until your exAP has been exposed.

[hippetyhop]

It's good you left. However, I feel for the wife: she has a right to know what he did to her. I know many won't agree but I think you should tell her. If I were her, I'd rather know and be hurt than live in ignorant bliss. She should have a chance at true happiness, which won't happen until your exAP has been exposed.

 

His W likely knows of the affair; maybe not the extent. At the very least, she knows that her husband was up to no good. She knows the phone messages/texts, etc. She isn't totally ignorant to her husband's behavior. She knows whats up. From there- its up to her to have true happiness.

 

I notice a pattern with him: we talk and things go well, she gets suspicious or he gets too comfortable/worried about getting her suspicious, then he initiates low contact with me and focuses on an activity with her (such as signing up for a marathon) but during that time, he re-initiates contact.

 

Does that make sense? I’m thinking he tries to settle her down then get back with me. His way of keeping his marriage going/showing he’s still in it but needs it on the side to keep his marriage going?

Edited September 15, 2014 by hippetyhop

[CaryAlston]

His W likely knows of the affair; maybe not the extent. At the very least, she knows that her husband was up to no good. She knows the phone messages/texts, etc. She isn't totally ignorant to her husband's behavior. She knows whats up. From there- its up to her to have true happiness.

 

I notice a pattern with him: we talk and things go well, she gets suspicious or he gets too comfortable/worried about getting her suspicious, then he initiates low contact with me and focuses on an activity with her (such as signing up for a marathon) but during that time, he re-initiates contact.

 

Does that make sense? I’m thinking he tries to settle her down then get back with me. His way of keeping his marriage going/showing he’s still in it but needs it on the side to keep his marriage going?

Maybe W is in denial as to what's the real score between you and H, or most likely H is lying to her about that. Probably W doesn't know what's going on between you and H, that is why he is trying to settle her down. Which is why he should be exposed. Why should he be allowed to have it all after he has torn the lives of two women for his own selfish needs? The lowlife is using you both and I think this is abusive to both of you. It must be stopped.

[gettingstronger]

I think he is a master at manipulation- both you and the wife believe what ever his version of the truth is- my guess is you both know there is more to the story but are willing to turn a blind eye for whatever reason-

 

You think he is trying to protect his marriage- looks like he is trying to protect himself-he is getting something out of being the puppet master-

 

Either way, I think its good that you are not interested in this for whatever reason- you will never know the whole truth and maybe thats a good enough reason to just walk away now-

[2sunny]

His W likely knows of the affair; maybe not the extent. At the very least, she knows that her husband was up to no good. She knows the phone messages/texts, etc. She isn't totally ignorant to her husband's behavior. She knows whats up. From there- its up to her to have true happiness.

 

I notice a pattern with him: we talk and things go well, she gets suspicious or he gets too comfortable/worried about getting her suspicious, then he initiates low contact with me and focuses on an activity with her (such as signing up for a marathon) but during that time, he re-initiates contact.

 

Does that make sense? I’m thinking he tries to settle her down then get back with me. His way of keeping his marriage going/showing he’s still in it but needs it on the side to keep his marriage going?

 

Break that pattern. That is up to you.

 

No reason to communicate any further with him when he's just helping you waste time and energy.

[hippetyhop]

Maybe W is in denial as to what's the real score between you and H, or most likely H is lying to her about that. Probably W doesn't know what's going on between you and H, that is why he is trying to settle her down. Which is why he should be exposed. Why should he be allowed to have it all after he has torn the lives of two women for his own selfish needs? The lowlife is using you both and I think this is abusive to both of you. It must be stopped.

 

I know you strongly believe I should tell her, but why can't her husband tell her the details? She knows the background of whats going on. She isn't stupid there. She likely doesn't know the extent of it all.

 

As posted earlier in this thread, I don't think his wife is as misinformed as we believe. His wife was given evidence of her husband's actions. I can place money on the house and win double that he has never admitted to anything and he doesn't know what she knows. He probably told her that he was thinking about cheating, but never had. I bet he's lying to her and she's either accepting being lied to her face, or waiting til she can't take it anymore and will leave. I highly doubt she will leave for the sake of the kids.

[hippetyhop]

I think he is a master at manipulation- both you and the wife believe what ever his version of the truth is- my guess is you both know there is more to the story but are willing to turn a blind eye for whatever reason-

 

You think he is trying to protect his marriage- looks like he is trying to protect himself-he is getting something out of being the puppet master-

 

Either way, I think its good that you are not interested in this for whatever reason- you will never know the whole truth and maybe thats a good enough reason to just walk away now [\Quote]

 

re. me turning a blind eye: there can be more to the story, but how would I know? Until the first Dday during the summer of 2013, he was pretty open to me about a lot of things. After that, I think he was trying to save face. He is probably trying to save the M while juggling me on the side; possibly making me believe everything is fine and dandy on the home front. I knew it really wasn't when he told me he couldn't come over one day since W was off of work and he was afraid she'd drive past his work. He was likely (and still is) on a leash and not as good as he made me (and likely everyone else) believe it is.

 

Of course he's scared and he is trying to protect himself. With me gone- he has no reason to worry about protecting himself. He won't hear from me anymore.

 

He had no reason or intention to tell me about MC until he thought his W would contact me. As soon as I found that out, it was the end all of end all for me. He's probably figured that out since I haven't contacted him and I was distant when I did talk to him after learning that.

[hippetyhop]

Break that pattern. That is up to you.

 

No reason to communicate any further with him when he's just helping you waste time and energy.

 

I am breaking that pattern. I haven't text him back, nor will I. The games with me are over. I think he figured that out now, too.

 

He knows I'm livid and its in his best interest to just let me be.

[gettingstronger]

I'm glad you found a breaking point for yourself- I think too often we move the line a little more and a little more until we are too far gone- boundaries are good, not only for this situation but for all situations in our lives-

 

I am learning this lesson in reverse right now- I am learning to soften my world view after feeling, acting, being so harsh right after dday-

 

Boundaries and limits are good for us and I am happy you found yours-

 

Best of luck to you!

[hippetyhop]

I'm glad you found a breaking point for yourself- I think too often we move the line a little more and a little more until we are too far gone- boundaries are good, not only for this situation but for all situations in our lives-

 

I am learning this lesson in reverse right now- I am learning to soften my world view after feeling, acting, being so harsh right after dday-

 

Boundaries and limits are good for us and I am happy you found yours-

 

Best of luck to you!

Thank you!

 

Were you harsh towards MM? This is the harshest I've ever been in 2 years!

 

I knew there would be a breaking point somewhere; didn’t know when or where. During an A, there will almost more than likely be one- whether it be Dday or something like this. It doesn’t mean space/control by the OP is the end all of end all; but just that we need to take a step back for our own sanity. With that being said, I can’t go back to this. It’ll be 2 weeks tomorrow that I spoke to him.

 

Right now, he’s protecting himself and his M. I’m not sure how long that can last. I had my breaking point, will BS? Will she have hers knowing what she does and MM keeping hush hush/not admitting (for as much as I know); or will she continue her fascade?

[Owl]

HH...you know the bottom line here.

 

It's very clear by his actions...he wants a marriage...and he wants a mistress...as long as those two never, ever cause a conflict in his life.

 

It's that simple.

 

As far as him telling his wife...well, yeah, he should. But how on Earth could anyone actually expect that he'd do so?!?!

 

He created the situation...there's no way he's ever going to actually do anything on his own that would undermine it!!!

 

That means the only person who might tell would be you.

 

Not rocket science, my friend.

[Popsicle]

I'd say he still wants to be in LC with you while doing MC either because he isn't sure MC will work (which means he's probably looking at W to change, not himself) and he wants you to be a fallback if it doesn't work, OR he is doing MC just to calm her down so he can later resume the A. Hard to tell which one it is.

[hippetyhop]

I'd say he still wants to be in LC with you while doing MC either because he isn't sure MC will work (which means he's probably looking at W to change, not himself) and he wants you to be a fallback if it doesn't work, OR he is doing MC just to calm her down so he can later resume the A. Hard to tell which one it is.

 

LC with me during MC won't work for me. I think its the fallback girl option. From what I know, MC has been a lot of rugsweeping. However, the last we talked about that was 3 weeks ago. I suspect nothing much has changed in that regards.

[Popsicle]

LC with me during MC won't work for me. I think its the fallback girl option. From what I know, MC has been a lot of rugsweeping. However, the last we talked about that was 3 weeks ago. I suspect nothing much has changed in that regards.

 

Rugsweeping to me sounds like he just wants to calm her down.

[hippetyhop]

HH...you know the bottom line here.

 

It's very clear by his actions...he wants a marriage...and he wants a mistress...as long as those two never, ever cause a conflict in his life.

 

It's that simple.

 

As far as him telling his wife...well, yeah, he should. But how on Earth could anyone actually expect that he'd do so?!?!

 

He created the situation...there's no way he's ever going to actually do anything on his own that would undermine it!!!

 

That means the only person who might tell would be you.

 

Not rocket science, my friend.

 

Dear, dear Owl- I was being a bit facetious saying he'll tell her

 

I know he won't UNLESS she stacks the evidence up against him and gives him one last shot. Even then, who knows. He may still manipulate her. Right now, she has evidence against him. She likely questioned, but he's telling her otherwise. He's likely taking the situation and trying to make it appear its not what it really is. Does she believe him? Who knows. I don't think she's really that naive anymore. She know he's up to no good.

 

If she really wanted to know- she can call me. She has my number.

 

I know he wants both: marriage and the mistress. But what happens when his actions push a mistress away? He'll have to find a new mistress because this one is out and done. He better hopes the next one doesn't spill the beans and/or he doesn't get emotionally attached to her. He better learn how to separate the two. Unfortunately for him, with his wife's name and job title, she is easy to track down in a heartbeat. He better keep those specifics quiet as well.

 

In the event he doesn't find a new mistress what happens? He'll be stuck in a marriage he may not exactly want, or he'll divorce? The latter of the two will likely be from a future dday and not him filing for the heck of it. You would think it would be easier to divorce and live the life you really want instead of running around.

[hippetyhop]

Rugsweeping to me sounds like he just wants to calm her down.

 

So you think she's eating up his lies although she knows otherwise?

[Popsicle]

So you think she's eating up his lies although she knows otherwise?

 

I thought you meant he was rugsweeping.

 

And who knows what she's doing? My sister knew and she didn't want to hear it. Sometimes the mistress would call her. She would just hang up on the mistress and continue with her life, afterall, her husband was still married to and staying with her. This has gone on for decades.

Edited September 15, 2014 by Popsicle

[hippetyhop]

I thought you meant he was rugsweeping.

 

And who knows what she's doing? My sister knew and she didn't want to hear it. Sometimes the mistress would call her. She would just hang up on the mistress and continue with her life, afterall, her husband was still married to and staying with her. This has gone on for decades.

No. She likely is doing the sweeping.

 

Exactly. She likely doesn't want to hear it unless she's waiting for him to royally screw up and not admit. Even then who knows.

[gettingstronger]

Exactly. She likely doesn't want to hear it unless she's waiting for him to royally screw up and not admit. Even then who knows.

 

 

Gently- what she knows and does not know is really none of your concern at this point- you have made a choice to walk away- do it completely and do not be concerned about their marriage-

[Owl]

Dear, dear Owl- I was being a bit facetious saying he'll tell her

 

I know he won't UNLESS she stacks the evidence up against him and gives him one last shot. Even then, who knows. He may still manipulate her. Right now, she has evidence against him. She likely questioned, but he's telling her otherwise. He's likely taking the situation and trying to make it appear its not what it really is. Does she believe him? Who knows. I don't think she's really that naive anymore. She know he's up to no good.

 

If she really wanted to know- she can call me. She has my number.

 

I know he wants both: marriage and the mistress. But what happens when his actions push a mistress away? He'll have to find a new mistress because this one is out and done. He better hopes the next one doesn't spill the beans and/or he doesn't get emotionally attached to her. He better learn how to separate the two. Unfortunately for him, with his wife's name and job title, she is easy to track down in a heartbeat. He better keep those specifics quiet as well.

 

In the event he doesn't find a new mistress what happens? He'll be stuck in a marriage he may not exactly want, or he'll divorce? The latter of the two will likely be from a future dday and not him filing for the heck of it. You would think it would be easier to divorce and live the life you really want instead of running around.

 

My friend...you're spending too much time and energy focusing on HIS 'what if's'.

 

You're out of it, remember?

 

Let it go. What happens in his life from this point is HIS problem. What she knows, what she chooses or chooses not to act on...none of your concern, and not something that's beneficial for you to dwell on.

 

Change that focus back on your own life. Don't even give him the power to creep into your life by thinking about this kind of stuff anymore.

[hippetyhop]

Exactly. She likely doesn't want to hear it unless she's waiting for him to royally screw up and not admit. Even then who knows.

 

 

Gently- what she knows and does not know is really none of your concern at this point- you have made a choice to walk away- do it completely and do not be concerned about their marriage-

 

My friend...you're spending too much time and energy focusing on HIS 'what if's'.

 

You're out of it, remember?

 

Let it go. What happens in his life from this point is HIS problem. What she knows, what she chooses or chooses not to act on...none of your concern, and not something that's beneficial for you to dwell on.

 

Change that focus back on your own life. Don't even give him the power to creep into your life by thinking about this kind of stuff anymore.

 

I know, I know..I need to quit dwelling. However, I was asked why I don't tell her, and informed that I was the only one who could with all the answers. I answered- she has all the info. she needs and can take it from there. How she interprets it and what happens from there is up to them.

 

Its just hard leaving with questions still looming, or a formal goodbye. But it needs to be done.