tokyo Posted March 4, 2005 Share Posted March 4, 2005 Let´s make a poll. How many women here have a boyfriend who pays for everything on a date? To the guys: Don´t be shy and come out of the closet if you like paying. Who pays alternately? To the women: How do you feel if your boyfriend pays all the time? Is it weird, I mean, most of you have money, too, I guess? Why do you think he does this? Are those guys better boyfriends? Are they normal and nice or doormats? To the men: Why do you want to pay for everything? What do you think will your girlfriend do with the money she saves? I´m asking, because I´ve seen women saying that their boyfriend pays for everything and I´m not sure what I should think of this. My brother is the only guy I know who is pretty generous with the money. I would have thought that guys who are generous with money are also generous with their emotions. Does anyone agree? And, it must be great to have a boyfriend who likes to spoil and pamper you, but doesn´t it also mean you are giving up a part of your indepence if he always pays? The woman could pay as well, doesn´t she? I personally think I couldn´t support it if a guy was too nice and spoiled me like this, I´d probably fear for my independence and I´d fear to get used to such nice treatment. I mean, how many guys are really that nice without having any skeletons in the closet? Maybe it´s only my commitment phobia and paranoia speaking, but what´s your opinion? Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted March 4, 2005 Share Posted March 4, 2005 Weeeeel, there's spoiled and there's spoiled, LOOOL!!! I used to pay dutch with my ex. On everything. I was a student he was working. It didn't matter to him. Everytime. It sucked big time because I felt that I wasn't important to him enough ... And trust me, back home, going out was really cheap. I'm still a student, in Paris this time. You bet my lifestyle changed. I have never let a man pay for me before. Honest. Never. I met my current bf and we kept on paying dutch, 'till he very nicely said that he wanted to pay. And kept insisting. So yeah, most of the times he pays. I do other stuff. For instance I insist on staying indoor and I cook for him, I'd have rented dvd, you know, student stuff . And sometimes he spoiles me. He bought me a USB key once because it was pink and it made him think of me. You know, little stuff. I feel that it does affect our relationship. I'd be a liar to say differently. But I occasionally pay and until I get my internship, even if it does bother me to a small extent, we'll keep on living like we do. He never deprived me of anything, I am free to go out, I have my independance. From this pov it's cool. It's a power thing. I've never let anyone pay for anything because I would't trust that they wouldn't use it against me.By letting him pay, he also trusts that I would not abuse this trust. Theoretically speaking, as a woman, if the guy was financially secure, I'd think it's normal for him to pick up the tab most of the times, even if let's say I'd have a job. Call me spoiled!!! I've lived the opposite and frankly, I've hated it. It's not the money per se, it's the fact that they make the gesture. It's the significance. It's that they care. It's that he knows he risks being taken advantage of and yet would still do it because he trusts me. And the guy must desirve the right to pay me dinner. I don't know if you get my logic... I'm a romantic!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tokyo Posted March 5, 2005 Author Share Posted March 5, 2005 Thanks for your answer, Curly. So, if I understood you correctly, you do enjoy getting spoiled and invited? Your first ex, sorry to say that, looks like a miser. He had the money and did not invite you, even though you were only a student and going out wasn´t expensive? That´s actually tough. I understand what you mean, that it´s about the gesture, it´s about wanting to be nice, showing that you care, that he appreciates you. You have improved with your current boyfriend I´d still don´t know how I would deal with a boyfriend who would like to pay for everything, even if he was financially secure. I wouldn´t know how to return the favor (nooo jokes, please, that´s a serious talk ), cooking is nice, but I´m not so much into cooking and I´d hate to start doing things for him just because he likes to pay for me. I´d feel like the balance is missing. Nevertheless, I admit. I think it would be nicer if he paid a bit more often. Call me an irrational spoiled woman, but that´s just how it works. I don´t think I could handle it if he paid for everything, but yes, dear God, send me a boyfriend who likes to spoil me once in a while. I´d love him to bits for this Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 G-d is not in boy/girl-friend delivery kooky. What is important not who is paying and why he or she is paying. But that both partners are comfortable with the arrangements. Same is true with the housework chores. As long as both partners are comfortable with the division of chores, who does what is not really important (as long as it gets done that is!). So rationally speaking (do I sound familiar? ), it should not be a big issue. But of course if you are brought up more traditionally, you'd rather have the man pay more often. A lot of boys try to guilt-trip girls into feeling guilty for paying for everything and expect to be returned with 'favors.' I know a lot of women who because of that nonsense, insist on offering to split the bill. Yes, I would pay in the majority of the dates, and always if necessary (poor financial conditions on her part). Link to post Share on other sites
ziggue Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 I think that a guy should pay for the first date then if you go out with him again split the prices between the both of you. My boyfriend and I always either go halfs or take turns in paying. If one of us has a little more money then we might feel generous enough to shout the other person but most the time we go halfs or take turns. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tokyo Posted March 5, 2005 Author Share Posted March 5, 2005 d'Arthez, thanks for your answer. I know of course that the important thing is that both partners are happy, I was just wondering, how do they feel about it? How does a guy feel who always pays? Does he do it out of obligation or is it some sense of wanting to protect? And how do the women feel about it? I did say that I´d like my God-sent-boyfriend to pay for me, but in that case I was assuming that he was at least getting as much money as I was. If he earned less, of course, I wouldn´t expect him to do pay for me more often. I´m too good, I´d get qualms, I don´t want to use him, I just want him to spoil me as long as it´s possible for him. And I don´t think I would mind spoiling him, if he had less money than I did. And just as Curly said, I´m also really picky about who I will allow to pay for me. I hate the expectations that some men link with a paid dinner and I hate the reproaches and laments of those who don´t dare to make their claim openly. Link to post Share on other sites
Anais Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 When I dated hubbie he paid most of times. I let him to do it as I felt he really enjoyed doing that. I found it nice and gentle. Once in a while I would insist to pay. I did split with ex boyfriend though. So it is the matter of how it is done. I would not except one to pay for me if it wasn't done with pleasure. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 I just feel that it's not fair that one person pay all the time or even most of the time. I suppose if the difference in salaries was vast, and he insisted, I'd be ok with it but I'd still want to reciprocate sometimes. I'd feel like a 'taker' if I let someone foot the bill all the time unless he let me do something in return from time to time (minds out of gutters, please ) Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 I see what you mean, moi. Not that there were linked, but do you think men have guilty trips on their conscience when it comes to spending the entire week end at your appartment? None of my men, the current or the ex bf, were .... let's say... having a guilty conscience when it came to either cleaning their plate, making breakfast or bed... see what I mean? Of course, it's not mlike he pays for everything so that I play "maid" at home. But the thing is that .. I don't know, to each one his own. In my case, I've realised that until I'm having my own place (am currently sharing a place with some friends) it will be impossible to make a chore list, schedule, whatever. I soooo wait for the moment when I'm finally gonna get a stable job !!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 Well, partly I've been lucky and partly I won't put up with grown men who can't take care of themselves so that wasn't an issue. However, I did have a couple fellows in my life who were out of funds. They contributed some and promised to do more but in the end, I was down financially because of them. Now my hard and fast rule is a man has to have at least two of job, house, car. OTOH, I wouldn't even consider considering going out with people while I wasn't working. I have a thing about making my own way in the world; maybe because my mom drove my dad nuts because she was bad with money. Link to post Share on other sites
shamen Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 I like to pay dutch, even early on, if the guy accepts. Some insist on paying on the first few dates, which is fine, but then I'll insist on paying the tip. My ex and I just went back and forth on who paid for the evening. I paid once, he paid next, and so on. Link to post Share on other sites
seahorse Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 Generally we go dutch, on my insistance. He'd quite happily pay if I didn't insist. He treated me to a weekend away the other week, and paid for all our food/hotel etc. I paid for taxi fares etc. He spoils me, buys me little presents etc. He's very generous with his money and his emotions - and I'm forever telling him not to spend money on me!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tokyo Posted March 10, 2005 Author Share Posted March 10, 2005 Ziggue, Moimeme, Anais, Shamen and Seahorse - thanks for your answers. (Ok, that's also a good way to push this thread to is rightful first position ) Link to post Share on other sites
Donut Posted March 10, 2005 Share Posted March 10, 2005 I think it's nice when the guy wants to pay the lions share, not because I'm a gold-digger but it gives you a feeling of being looked after. I do find these guys are more generous in other ways too (emotionally). Chivalry is dead these days! I don't feel comfortable with a guy paying for everything tho, generally say if we go to the cinema I will pay for the munchies or tickets and the guy can pay for the other vice versa. Also if he pays for a meal I'll give the tip. And I'm happy to pay for a meal or other outing when I have the funds available. When it comes to big things (holidays etc) I will pay my half, that's reasonable. I did have a bf once who insisted on splitting everything right down the middle, he had more available money than me so I did feel a bit resentful, I was constantly broke and he wasn't very generous with his emotions either. Any guy who expects "favours" in return for paying for dinner is nothing short of a cretin. Walk away from that one fast! Link to post Share on other sites
TouchedByMoreThanAnA Posted March 10, 2005 Share Posted March 10, 2005 Chivalry is dead these days! Women want their cake and to eat it too! Chivalry died with women's lib. Women want to be treated like a goddess and have doors opened for them and checks paid for them and what do they offer in return? To me I do these things for my girlfriend because I WANT TO not because it's expected or proper or right. I do them freely for my girlfriend and she doesn't expect them. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted March 10, 2005 Share Posted March 10, 2005 Originally posted by TouchedByMoreThanAnA Women want their cake and to eat it too! Chivalry died with women's lib. Women want to be treated like a goddess and have doors opened for them and checks paid for them and what do they offer in return? To me I do these things for my girlfriend because I WANT TO not because it's expected or proper or right. I do them freely for my girlfriend and she doesn't expect them. The point of chivalry is not to expect anything in return. It's not just limited to women. To single out one person in particular to treat well, is only to prove that one is not chivalrous at all. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted March 10, 2005 Share Posted March 10, 2005 To tell you the truth, it's not fair that my guy pays every time we go out. That's why I organise little picknicks and romantic stay in dinners. But.... But think of how much more a girl spends for staying lovable. I'll only say: make up, twice as many clothes (to be generous), three times much more shoes and lingerie, purses, stockings, nail polish, manicure, pedicure, epilation products, bc pills, gyno appointments, creams for the body, paint for the hair, etc. I won't go into the tratment for the hair etc, for the skin, for the eyes, etc. I don't know how that works in the Stated, but in Europe, a woman is 15% underpaid compared to a man on the same job with the same experience and education. And that is real. It's not fair for the guys to pay. Yet saying that all girls do is take advantage of it... hum... that's a bit of a stratch. Link to post Share on other sites
SleepingLover Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 I like to pay and see it as a gift. I usually insist and, most, especially if I am the one who did the inviting out. However, I have had dutch dates and have had the woman insist on paying before too. Usually, I'll say no, but we all know that women always end up winning... they just insist better than us guys. Women are soooo aggressive I love em! LOL! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tokyo Posted March 11, 2005 Author Share Posted March 11, 2005 Thanks to the new poster Donut, TouchedByMoreThanAnA and SleepingLover. Donut completely agreed with me on my theory about financial generosity equaling emotional generosity. Cool. And TouchedByMoreThanAnA, I don't think it has anything to do with wanting to have the cake and eat it. Wanting to have equal rights when it comes to payment (as Curly pointed out there is still a huge gap between a man's salary and what a woman finds on her pay roll. If I recall it correctly in another study I read some time ago they said it was more than 15%.) has nothing to do with being greedy and wanting it all, what women want is that payment should follow the principle - same work, same payment. And I also would not understand resentment for the fact that women are now allowed to vote due the women's liberalization. And so on. Women are human beings and should have the same rights as the other part of humankind. That's one thing, because there are differences between men and women, physical and biological ones. Women are the weaker gender and that's probably why it's generally assumed that the man should feel the instinct to protect and spoil () them a little bit more than when he sees his buddies. It's not about finding the perfect provider who pays everything and as far as now, I haven't seen anybody post this. Link to post Share on other sites
greenhorn Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Oops I missed out this thread...if I am not that late then my views pls If I go on date then I always like paying for the girl. No it is nothing like to do with asking favours for that, it is as simple that I dont value money more than relationships. I would be very much comfortable in having a nil bank balance but a loving relationship. Don't they say that "generosity comes out of love". I would love to spend on someone whom I love or else what do I earn for ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author tokyo Posted March 11, 2005 Author Share Posted March 11, 2005 Nice answer, Greenhorn. Link to post Share on other sites
Donut Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Thanks kooky, d'Arthez, sleepinglover, greenhorn. Unfortunately in england women generally are paid lower salaries than the men. I love taking my guy out to dinner, when I have the funds! If I don't I show my affection in other ways, little personal gifts, cook dinner etc. And I always say thankyou, and express gratitude to a guy when he takes me out and pays! It's when a guy expects me to pay, keeps tabs on who paid for what etc, and I don't feel emotional reciprocation or gratitude that the balance is out of whack! But it's not about the money!! I am happy staying in, going out, whatever! As long as I feel genuinely cared for. It's been my experience so far tho, that guys who are genuinely happy to pay are more generous emotionally too. Chivalry is not about who pays, it's about how you should treat people in every day life. Link to post Share on other sites
greenhorn Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by kooky Nice answer, Greenhorn. Thanks a lot Kooky, It makes it all the more special when you say thanks or else all the time you are pointing me to my mistakes. ah nevermind..just kidding Donut, Yeah it does sound irksome when someone keeps a tab on who is paying and what..When one goes out for an evening the thrust should be on enjoying the time with the person not to start thinking who will pay or how to split, it just ruins the whole purpose of meeting.Your mind should be free of petty details While I would like always to pay, but if I don't have funds and want to go out with my girl *sigh* then I won't mind her paying for the bill.I always make it a point to enjoy the time rather than worry about the bills.To take further I would be highly disappointed if some girl reject me or judge me by my earning potential or bank balance. Donut, Chivalry is not about who pays, it's about how you should treat people in every day life I totally agree with this statement. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tokyo Posted March 11, 2005 Author Share Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by Donut Unfortunately in england women generally are paid lower salaries than the men. Name me a country where women get higher payment... And I personally hate guys who keep tabs. Link to post Share on other sites
greenhorn Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by kooky Name me a country where women get higher payment... And I personally hate guys who keep tabs. In India the net salary for women folks are alway more than men at the same level cause by law they are supposed to pay less Income tax than men. Who said there is gender equality Arrrrrrrrrghhhhhh @#$% Link to post Share on other sites
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