nextel Posted March 7, 2005 Share Posted March 7, 2005 If I were you this is what I would do....I am not saying you should do it, but if I were in your shoes I would do this.... Not show up Wednesday night, come home late (find somewhere else to spend time, movie, g/friends house, some place and make sure you look presentable...make up and all), then I would get home roughly 2 hours after we should have met. So if I was scheduled to see him at 6pm, I would get home about 8:30/9pm. Why? Chances are that he will come to the house and thats what you want him to do. Let him see you looking well. And if he asks why you did not show up for the date, pretend you completely totally forgot about him and that you got together with a friend for drinks. If he asks what friend, you let him know that he lost those priviledges. Do not give him any clue that you are hurting. Whatever tears you have to shed, wait until you lay your head down for the rest of the night. Link to post Share on other sites
MsMree Posted March 7, 2005 Share Posted March 7, 2005 I agree w/Nextel - DON'T GO WEDNESDAY!!! Keep yourself busy - again, the "i could care less" attitude. However, i wouldn't pretend it slipped my mind if you are pressed about it - he'll see right through that - just state you didn't feel the need to go. Link to post Share on other sites
nextel Posted March 7, 2005 Share Posted March 7, 2005 Are you in London? Link to post Share on other sites
Author englishrose Posted March 7, 2005 Author Share Posted March 7, 2005 FANTASTIC ADVICE Thank you nextel and Msmree . I have definately made up my mind that I am not going on wednesday night. He will be ringing me tomorrow to tell me what time to meet him and I am leaving the answering machine on. I think that if I did meet him all we would do is rehash over what has already been said. i.e. I still want you back and why have you done this and why have you done that and quite frankly I dont want to know anymore. I have reached the point where I have done all the crying and begging and I want to hold on to what little self esteem i have left and build on it. The only problem is that I dont want him to come to the house. He still has a key but can only get through the front door into the porch. he cant get through the 2nd door as I take the key with me. I could always ask a neighbour to keep a look out to see if he turns up. Nextel ...no I dont live in London. I live about 2 hours drive away down on the south coast. Are you in the uk?? Link to post Share on other sites
MsMree Posted March 7, 2005 Share Posted March 7, 2005 this would be a fantastic step in your taking control!! This is your life - he doesn't have the right (he gave that up) to just come unannounced. Link to post Share on other sites
Author englishrose Posted March 7, 2005 Author Share Posted March 7, 2005 No MsMree I am not allowed to change the locks by law as its his house. Although I have taken the precaution of locking the middle door and he hasnt got a key to that one so that made me feel better knowing he couldnt just come and go as he pleased. He did tell me that he would never come round if I wasnt here. Link to post Share on other sites
tiredofbeingtheother Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 im sorry that you hurt. but maybe he really does love her. i am now an ow and i have been the scorned wife too. but telling her what she done? he was the one who married you and committed to you not her. she played a role in it sure. bit so did he and probably so did you. men cheat when they feel unloved unwanted unappreciated and unneeded. sure there are the ones who cheat to be doing it or boost theie ego. but for a man who really LOVES his wife to cheat..... something is wrong. my husband cheated on me when i was married and i dont know why, ill never know. but i know in my heart that there was something that he needed thath i couldnt give or didnt notice he needed. and now being the ow and watching my mm and his wife from a distance for years i could tell they were in trouble before i came along. she wouldnt clean or cook, he was working 60 hrs a week and cleaning the house and taking care of kids and whatever else. he was giving all he had to make it work and she didnt try. i know your trying but maybe it is too little too late or maybe you would be better off without him, if he comes back you wont trust him. itll always be there in the back of your mind. i hope it owrks out for you. ~~if you love him let him go if he comes back........blah blah you know the rest~~ Link to post Share on other sites
Author englishrose Posted March 9, 2005 Author Share Posted March 9, 2005 Thank you tired. I appreciate your comments Link to post Share on other sites
KissMyTiara Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 While I want out of my relationship with MM, I SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO cannot tell you how to get him back. I just can't. It's like handing over your playbook to the other team. But I will say this. NO WOMAN should EVER have to FIGHT for a man. I'm traditional like that, I guess. If anyone's gonna be the fighter, the woo-er, the "oh, please be with me," it's gotta be the man. He should be the knight, and you the princess. Don't be a begger, and don't manipulate. You'll lose that way. Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 He is no longer yours. He belongs to her. Start looking somewhere for someone else. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author englishrose Posted March 13, 2005 Author Share Posted March 13, 2005 I'm a great believer in : What goes around comes around Years ago when I was very young I got involved with a married man and ended up ringing his wife to tell her about us. Nasty Nasty thing to do considering she hadnt done anything to me. Now 20 years later I am in the wife's position and all the hurt I caused her has now multiplied by 100 and come back to me. I also believe that everything happens for a reason and why I may not understand why this is happening to me at the moment I am sure in 6 months/a years time it will become clear. At the moment he is living with this woman in her crappy council house with hardly any money to spare as he is still paying our mortgage. He WILL miss his home comforts and what I can give him and she cant and that will be when he comes back. SAMI you say He belongs to her.....No he BELONGS to me , He made a commitment to me 7 years ago and has broken that commitment. However what I will agree to say is that he has CHOSEN her over me But who knows what will happen in the future. The fact that is he is 'in love' with an idea of a woman he knew 10 years ago. She is not the same woman now and only he can find this out. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 13, 2005 Share Posted March 13, 2005 Question is...When and if he comes home to you again ... Will you be there for him with open arms or will you have moved on? I hope you just find some happiness in your life to keep you going. Focus on you and learn to enjoy life again without him. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
goldy Posted March 13, 2005 Share Posted March 13, 2005 Now 20 years later I am in the wife's position and all the hurt I caused her has now multiplied by 100 and come back to me. QUOTE why do you think the hurt she felt has been multiplied just because it is you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author englishrose Posted March 13, 2005 Author Share Posted March 13, 2005 Sorry Goldy I'm not sure what you mean? When I rang the wife I didnt care about anybody else except myself and now looking back I am so ashamed of myself for what I did. Her husband did go back to her as he was really angry with me. Now I am in the position of knowing my husband is with the ow and I can understand the pain that she went through The other thing is that my husband's ow has been married twice before and her first husband went off with his sister in law. So she has felt the hurt of betrayal as well , so why did she encourage my husband to her by offer of a bolthole. I told him and still maintain that if she had not offered him a 'room' he would have been back by now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author englishrose Posted March 13, 2005 Author Share Posted March 13, 2005 Thanks for your reply whichwayisup Yes I do agree will there come a time when i welcome him home with open arms?? At the moment he knows that I would have him back in a heartbeat but every day that goes by I keep thinking of what it will be like. It will take a long time to forgive him and trust him again if ever. At the moment he is not behaving like the husband that I know and love. He is a complete stranger and I know from the way that he treated his family and his daughter that he is the sort of man who just shrugs things off. He hasnt bothered to contact his daughter in america in nearly 4 years and when she did eventually get hold of him to tell him that she wanted nothing more to do with him , he just shrugged his shoulders and said ok fine!!!!!! I should have realised then that if he could treat his own flesh and blood in this manner then he was capable of treating me like that but at the time I couldnt see this but I do now. Link to post Share on other sites
ww Posted March 13, 2005 Share Posted March 13, 2005 there is no way of doing it. he will decide wheter come back to you or stay with her Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted March 13, 2005 Share Posted March 13, 2005 that's right. Fully agree. It's all in his hands. Link to post Share on other sites
SixthSt.Girl Posted March 13, 2005 Share Posted March 13, 2005 I'm just curious, why do you want him back? If he prefers living in a crappy council house with her to a nice, cozy house with you, doesn't that tell you something? My co-worker went through the same thing. Her H met a woman at work and left her and their kids to move in with OW. He no longer wanted anything to do with W or his kids because he said he has a "new family" now - his new girlfriend and her kids. Yet, W still wanted him to go to marriage conseling for a long time and said she'd take him back even though he treated her like crap for the past few months. His personality and priorities were changed - he lost weight and attained this big ego, started drinking and smoking... I told her that despite his money and their happy past, she's better off today. Now she's single with a better job and is living happily with her kids. I just don't understand women who take cheating men back. It's like they have no backbone or dignity. I wouldn't even want to be seen in public with a man who dumped me for some other woman, regardless if he came back to me. Granted, I'm not married and never want to be. I think people who get involved in fairy tale romances often think that the relationship will last forever w/o any effort or work from both parties. Even with lots of work, there are so many that don't work out. It sounds like your husband won't dedicate any time to saving your marriage - why do you think it will be any different in the future? Some peope just aren't meant for the confines of marriage - it sounds like your H is one of those, or else is headed there quickly... Link to post Share on other sites
goldy Posted March 13, 2005 Share Posted March 13, 2005 dont worry ER i was just being picky with your wording ER, your husband sounds like a not very nice, very cold individual i dont agree with the cussing of the other woman and her house, obviously she hasnt been too lucky in her life, i do not blame her for wanting to better her circumstances thing is, with your husband, it doesnt sound like she is doing that really. ok solvent but compassionate? doesnt sound like it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author englishrose Posted March 17, 2005 Author Share Posted March 17, 2005 Hi Everyone Next exciting installment and I wonder how the ow would feel about this little plan of his? He rang me and said he wanted to see me. I went to see him the other night and let rip . I told him that he was right i wouldnt ever forgive him for what he has done and I accept its over and i am moving on with my life,. I told him that i would agree to sell the house and I wanted a new start. He has now contacted me and has now told me that he is suffering financially and cannot afford to run two households. He does not want to sell the house anymore and is quite happy for me to carry on living in it. What he wants to do is spit all the mortgage and insurance payments in half and i pay him each month (this I can afford to do) He also wants to come round and help me with the gardening and decorating and anything else that needs doing. He has told me that he still wants to be with her but when I looked at his keys he still has my photo fob on it !!! When I asked him when he was coming round to collect all of his stuff he said Yeh when I get a minute What on earth is he playing at ??????????????????? When I asked him what his girfriend thought of this idea he said Its nothing to do with her. Would any of you put up with this???? You have all been so kind to me these last few weeks and I thank you all I went to see him 2 nights ago and let rip. I told him that i was getting on with my life Link to post Share on other sites
kkat Posted March 17, 2005 Share Posted March 17, 2005 I think what you do next really should be dictated by what you want the outcome to be, and I would be very surprised if you could possibly know that yet. Didn't this all happen within the last couple of weeks, or am I confused? I guess my point is that before you make any major decisions, you should give yourself ample opportunity to sort through your feelings and options. Have you met with an attorney? I would be very cautious of doing anything that could eventually hurt you financially should a divorce be forthcoming. When my ex-MM and I broke up the first time around and I moved out, he was no longer able to sustain the financial responsibilities of two households. During our relationship, we both contributed to our rent, etc. but he was obviously still paying the mortgage, all living expenses, everything for his wife and children - plus paying more than half of our living expenses and all of our social outings, bought me lots of gifts, etc. It caught up with him over time, and eventually when I moved out, he couldn't continue to bear the financial load of two households. He was broke, broke, broke and went home shortly thereafter, at which time he had not two cents left. This was a big factor in his moving back home...he was being evicted for not paying the rent and would have been homeless... Please don't make his financial situation easier on him UNLESS it is in your best interest as well -- if it is, great - just do what is best for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author englishrose Posted March 17, 2005 Author Share Posted March 17, 2005 Crikey Kitkat that was quick!! Many many thanks for replying Yes I know what you mean. I have to see my solictor about his proposal although it would be in my best interests to agree with it as I cant afford to buy a place on my own. I feel so sorry for him at the moment as I know he is struggling financially and putting in even more hours at work to pay for it all but then it was his choice. I had NC for over a week and he rang me early tuesday morning so all this has happened in the last few days. I have already told him that i am prepared to agree to sell the house and move on so I cant understand why he doesnt agree to that and have the money now. Link to post Share on other sites
kkat Posted March 17, 2005 Share Posted March 17, 2005 I have seen so many friends hurt themselves financially and spend unnecessary energy just to make things worse on the husband when they were getting a divorce. I say do what's best for you financially and emotionally regardless of whether it is good or bad for him. But I wouldn't go feeling too badly for him at this point, maybe he better get a second job or something- try not to make it your problem where you don't have to. Has he been paying the mortgage on time up till now? One option might be to let him continue to pay it till his money truly runs out - then decide with your attorney what to do? You definitely need to confirm your strategy with your attorney, and remember to conserve your money, because if things don't turnaround and you do divorce, you'll need more of your own money going forward, right? Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted March 17, 2005 Share Posted March 17, 2005 kkat's right....take care of yourself. i felt awful for my ex when we divorced and got caught up in his poor, poor, pitiful me routine. would have thought i knew all of his games after 10+ years. in any case, i screwed myself up financially trying to be nice and fair to him. on the flip side, i've seen so many woman take their ex to the cleaners. yes, they were and are better off financially than i am but emotionally i think they ended up in worse shape because of the time and energy, and anger they let take over their lives. take care of youself, but don't go overboard. the kids really are the ones who suffer when things get too nasty and vindictive on either part. Link to post Share on other sites
Author englishrose Posted March 30, 2005 Author Share Posted March 30, 2005 Well I just thought I would let you all know the outcome of this little saga Last week we had a meeting and he offered me the chance to stay in the house if I agreed to pay half the mortgage which I agreed to. Today I get home from work and there is a letter from his solicitor saying that he wants to sell the house and divorce and is also claiming my business. So tonight I packed up all of his stuff, put it in the car and drove round to her house and dumped it in her front garden. I told him to have a nice life. Tomorrow I will see my solicitor and as Ivana Trump said "Dont get even ...get everything" He did the dirty on his 1st wife, he's done it to me and he will do it to her. A leopard never changes his spots. Thank you everyone for allowing to post on this forum and for all the kindness and help you have given me. Link to post Share on other sites
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