How can I get my husband back from the other woman

[kkat]

EnglishRose,

 

I am so sorry that things have come to this, but at least you are seeing clearly what he is up to - if that's any consolation? Sounds so trite, sorry.

I have a dear friend who experienced a situation- her soon to be ex-H had an affair, left her and their small children, and then went after her business which was her only means of support for herself and their children.

 

He's being a rat and I fear that now you better be a cat - screw him as you were willing to be fair and he's trying to jerk you over.

 

I wish you good luck in healing, resolution financially and most of all, the love you deserve in the future.

 

Kkat

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by englishrose

Well I just thought I would let you all know the outcome of this little saga

 

Last week we had a meeting and he offered me the chance to stay in the house if I agreed to pay half the mortgage which I agreed to.

 

Today I get home from work and there is a letter from his solicitor saying that he wants to sell the house and divorce and is also claiming my business.

 

So tonight I packed up all of his stuff, put it in the car and drove round to her house and dumped it in her front garden. I told him to have a nice life.

 

Tomorrow I will see my solicitor and as Ivana Trump said

 

"Dont get even ...get everything"

 

He did the dirty on his 1st wife, he's done it to me and he will do it to her.

 

A leopard never changes his spots.

 

Thank you everyone for allowing to post on this forum and for all the kindness and help you have given me.

 

Good for you English Rose!! I've been reading your posts and I just wanted to say, I think you are one strong women! Hang in there!!

[curly]

I posted early in this & have been following the posts without my $.02 put in (hope that translates to UK He sounds like his mind is made up and I'm trying not to give false hope but MM go back to their wives. I hope if I'm ever in that situ, I would have the spine, willpower, knowledge... (no offense meant) that I would not take him back.

 

Your husband, while you have known him many years, is showing some colors (colours for the UK that you have never seen. There's a reason for that. Perhaps, he's smitten and just is moving mountains to be with the woman he wants, or he's going through something even he doesn't understand. Either way, ER you MUST move on. He has rejected you and there are men out there waiting for a woman willling to accept them.

 

They are flawed, not model-types, fearing that "she" will never come. He's waiting for you. Take a look around. You seem (from your posts) to be intelligent, attentive, loving.... You have something to offer in the world. If H doesn't want it anymore, that's his choice. You can't change that. My father has always told me... "If it is to be.... it's up to me..." I love that quote. We all must live by it.

 

Try to move on. Harsh as this might be, he is moving on. Realize that. His actions, especially with the legal notice today, speaks volumes. Listen to it.

 

OK, I've been preaching this, but it's truly opened my eyes on a # of levels. I just read "He's just not that into you." Yes, it's a book written in black & white for black & white situations. But this guy says that men are black & white. And let's face it, men are fairly simplex. Food, sex, sleep... that's about it for them. Read the book. It might give you some good insight. It's short. Took me about 4 hours to read it.

 

ER - I truly feel for you. I know you are pain. Know that we (betrayed spouses, spouses who don't know what's going on but know there's something wrong & yes, my situ, the OW) we are in pain. We understand pain. I have never known pain - PAIN - like this. The body, heart, soul & mind say I must flee this situ, it's hurting too much. The OW are the crazy ones holding on to hope for no good reason (not throwing OW under the bus.... I am one). Keep posting.

 

In a morbid way, interesting to hear from the W's point of view.

 

Keep moving on. Know that loveshack is here and everyone feels ****ty sometimes. It goes away. Takes more time than others, but it does go away.

[RecordProducer]

Hi, English Rose! To tell you teh truth, when I read that he offered you some financial solution that is good for you, I was very surprised, because I was going to say that the game he's playing, such as he agreed to one drink a week, he carries your picture on his keys, he says he wouldn't come back home (only) cuz you wouldn't want him, he would help you decorate your house and take care of the garden, etc. was just sooooooooo transparent!

You said "You never know perhaps my husband will feel so much guilt he will just let me take over the mortgage which I will be able to afford."

Actually he was counting on that one too!

Don't hope that he will come back. He might not stay with her, but it doesn't mean he'll go back to you. Follow Ivana Trumps' philosophy and move on! Start dating other people, there are so many dating sites. You'll get the feeling 'ugh...all the guys are so awful'...but what I suggest for you is that you simply date people who are humorous and can cheer you up. So if they are not Mr. Right, at least you will have fun. Eventually, someone good will show up in your life. You can even meet women who can introduce you to their friends.

Oh, and what you said that you had 10 great years...when my ex-husband left me I thought he was perfect, and I would never find anyone so great as him. I was too blind to see my own past with him. Later I realized how unhappy I was in the marriage. For two years after the break-up I suffered like an idiot. Every guy I met seemed worthless.

Here I am now, 4 years after we split, happier than ever. Six months ago I met the lov of my life. The divorce was the second best thing that ever happened to me - I always say that.

[englishrose]

Thank you everyone for your kind comments.

 

Record Producer..... What did you mean by saying that that it was all transparent?

What he actually offered me was to go halves on the mortgage which I could afford to do but like someone said on a previous post

" Do I really want to be tied to him by doing this"

 

Nearly every word that has come out of that mans mouth these last 7 weeks has been a lie and I dont trust him enough to enter into a condition of him paying half and me paying half. What I think he would do is say that he couldnt afford it one month and then I would end up paying the lot.

 

As far as I'm concerned the man I married 7 years ago no longer exists and I am now dealing with a complete stranger who doesnt give a s*hit about me so self preservation is kicking in and I have to look after no 1

 

To think that I actually felt sorry for him when he told me he had been to the doctors with chest pains when his actual appointment that day wasnt with a doctor but with a lawyer !!!!!!!

Chest pains ....I'll give him chest pains !!!!!!

 

There is no way on this earth that I will ever take him back because as far as i'm concerned the man I love no longer exists. But there will be someone out there who will love me

[izzybelle]

But there will be someone out there who will love me

 

dam* straight!!! and one who deserves the love and devotion that someone like you can give!

 

be strong and take care of yourself. and while i do believe it is important for the whole divorce (assuming you're headed that way) to stay as far away from nasty as possible, for the kids sake...take care of you and them. you're right, it's time to look out for number 1.

 

<<hugs>>

 

izzy

[kkat]

ER - Izzy's right, as is RecordProducer - just keep moving forward, don't look back at his sad pathetic tail, take everything you can get (you deserve it and then some) and be thankful you found out now and are moving forward. I also understand that you have no children, correct?, so I am glad for that as well if it makes things simpler.

 

May I also highly recommend getting a little dog! Nothing like trading in a dog of a man for a lovely little poochie. I got mine while I was in one of my "hot and heavy" phases with ex-MM - and then boom - literally within a few days of getting my new baby, I got the strength to disconnect from him and saw MM for the last time (well except for once 5 months later but you get the point!).

 

I personally didn't want to start dating right away - but that was just my choice. But I started focusing on losing some weight, spending more time outdoors, in gym, in park, at yoga studio, working, reading, working, working, working...and with great friends. Picked up a couple of new, random activities to keep me busy on Sundays (used to be my hardest day....).

 

You'll be fine....in time. And keep posting here for support.

[RecordProducer]

I meant he was trying to be sweet to you just so he could buy your confidence cheap. Once he had you in his hands, he wanted to use it in order to benefit financially from the divorce. But you're not as dumb as he thought.

[BettyBoo]

HI ER!

 

Having read the posts I think you have got a lot of excellent advice.

 

When my husband and I broke up he stopped paying his half of the mortgage and never payed any maintenance. We had a legal separation and it stipulated he had to pay his half of the mortgage etc plus maintenance and the house would be sold and split when our youngest reached 18. I continued with the payments and let it run until he owed so much that I knew he wouldn't pay it as he couldn't afford it. He met the woman from hell during that time. She wanted him to pay for nothing and have no contact with me or his child.

 

Our home is a beautiful country house and he was living with her in a council house in a real crap area! After 'letting' him away with not paying for the mortgage for several years I then took him to court. As he had not contributed to the house or its upkeep he was seen as abandoning interest in it. I was awarded the house and he had to sign it over to me!!!! I popped a bottle of champagne that day!

 

Life is strange and when people do s**t it will come back on them. My ex H thought he was crafty by paying for nothing and acting like a s**t. The truth is I ended up far better off in every way. I have always believed in fairness and our separation agreement was very fair. But he abused my sense of justice and ended up shooting himself in the foot.

 

ER you sound like a really nice lady. Don't let this man take you for a ride. Stay calm and watch the drama unfold. Men like him always trip themselves up.

 

During that period in my life I was very distressed. I had 3 children to rear on my own without any financial support. I had to be strong for them and get on with it.

 

Today I am a very happy woman. I have put two of my children through college. They both are very successful and we have a fantastic relationship. My youngest is still in secondary school. During that time I completed my primary and masters degree both with honours. I have met many men along the way and today I am with a wonderful man and very much in love. Life does go on and so must you.

 

I wish you the best ER from your neighbour across the water (Eire).

[englishrose]

Just letting you all know how grateful I am for all your kindness over these past 8 weeks. I cant thank you all enough for the support and advice you have given me.

 

Bettyboo thank you soooooooo much for your pm and your advice. I am so lucky to have found people that actually support me and what I am going through.

I am seeing my solicitor this monday to start the ball rolling and I am scared stiff that I am going to lose my home.

 

I still wake up every morning and for the first half hour think of him and all the good times we have had and think what an idiot he is to have thrown it all away.

The only consolation I keep telling myself is that he is with his own sort of people now who want for nothing else in life except live in poverty and spend all their money on booze and that I was just out of his league if that's how he wants to live his life.

 

How can a man work for 10 years with someone to better his quality of life and then go back to what he was before he met me???

 

I could probably dissect his reasoning until the cows come home and will never understand why he has thrown it all away. Still he has made his bed now let him lie on it.

 

I will post again after I have seen the solicitor.

 

Thank you everyone

[Miffy]

Have been following this post and just decided to add a comment to say well done for coping so well.

 

I am of the opinion that you should not see him for a while, sort yourself out, get your self esteem back, your confidence and 'wash that man right out of your hair'.

 

Do not get into the 'come round for tea' situation, stay strong. He is much likely to miss you if you remain a strong woman, if he gets any inkling you are weak he will mess you about.

 

Do not get into any situation emotionally, physically or financially that you have to rely on him, whether its for half a mortgage payment or half your self esteem. Do it on your own girl if at all possible.

 

If the time comes that you decide to meet him again, make sure you look drop dead gorgeous (very shallow but it will make you feel a whole lot better when he is pining for you!).

 

Good luck anyway.

[englishrose]

Well I finally saw my solicitor today and it wasnt good news.

 

He told me that my husband is legally entitled to half the proceeds of the house and there wasnt a thing I could do about it. He offered me no alternatives and said that if it went before a court then the judge would offer him half. The judge wouldnt be interested in the whys and wherefores and the fact that he walked out on me.

 

I am now at a loss as to what to do. I cannot afford to buy him out and if I agree to sell the house there is not enough equity to buy something else. I have visions of me living in a poky bedsit with my dog being taken away because you are not allowed to have pets .

 

My solicitor has told me to arrange a meeting with my husband and try and negotiate with him about the property but every time I see him I go to pieces and he messes with my head. Also I cant believe a word he says to me now and If he comes up with a suggestion there will be a good chance he will change his mind again. He said if we could sort it out between us then it would be cheaper in the long run.

 

I went to this solicitor to try and make some sort of plan and all he told me was there wasnt anything I could do .

 

Can anyone please advise me on what to do next???

[gherkin]

yes

you can do one thing before anything else which will make it easier for all future decisions-ACCEPT

next you can do either one of two things. tell him that you do not mind paying the mortgage yourself to build up the equity until you both decide to sell, in which case he will still get half, but you can continue living where you are etc for a while at least,

OR, buy a cheaper place, maybe, gasp! even a flat!, go up North where the property is cheaper, scotland for instance, get used to not living in luxury and being INDEPENDENT!

who knows in a couple of years time you might even be really proud of yourself.

and at least you wont be in a scummy council estate, so you really havent got much to moan about

[Miffy]

Oh Gherkin that was a bit harsh, the last thing she probably wants to do is move far away from her friends too.

 

And Scotland is cold!

 

Anyway back to the discussion I am not a solicitor so not sure where you stand there, maybe you could post on the divorce forum, sure people must have been through similar.

[FolderWife]

:

 

ARG! That's about all I can say...I'm to ANGRY to say anything else.

[gherkin]

well, i am sorry about how that sounded, but she was talking down about people in council houses well some people are unlucky and havent had a husband with a good job, some people HAVE to live in council houses. its not nice is it, being forced by circumstance to live where you dont want to.

but i didnt mean it to sound nasty and i do sympathise and also i meant it in a good way that she will be independent and feel good about it.

you will feel much better knowing that you can depend on yourself and you dont have to beg him not to sell house and things like that, and also bereally careful, you are better off selling the house in my opinion and getting half the profits but make sure he hasnt run up other debts in both of your names or anything like that.

[englishrose]

Gherkin

Thank you for your post.

I was brought up on a council estate and finally bought my first property with my husband at 40 years old. He works in a factory and I have a small dress shop.

We have both worked hard for the last 10 years to have the things that we have now.

 

I am really sorry if I offended anyone who lives on a council estate and it wasnt my intention to sound critical. The reason I detest this woman so much is not so much that she lives on this estate but she has never worked a day in her life, has had all three children taken away by social services and her last husband was arrested last year for being a paedophile.

 

My husband has chosen this woman over me and that whats hurts so much.

 

He was never an ambitious person and was quite happy to just plod along day to day with me making all the plans to better our lives. I think now that he is at an age where he wants nothing more from life than what he has now with this woman.

 

Monday ... I dont understand what you are angry about????

 

Elizabeth ... Thank your for your posting. I agree with everything you said so thanks

 

Anyway latest update is that I am currently looking at ways to buy him out and stay where I am.

[englishrose]

Hi everyone

 

Quick update on what has happened. I have remained strong an focused and have been very busy. All his stuff is packed up and he has collected most of it.

 

I have also arranged for a mortgage to buy him out.

 

Now the interesting bit.

 

Last time he came round guess what???? Yep he admitted missing his home comforts and our life !!!! Ever since he walked out the door he has told me that he didnt love me anymore but did care about me.

 

Yep last time he visited he told me he loved me. I couldnt believe it !!!!! He said he couldnt stop loving me.

 

Guess what??? He's nearly out of money because he's been decorating her house for her ( what a kind and considerate man he is !!!!)

 

 

What really annoys me is that all through this I have been saving like mad so I would have some money behind me and I havent been out much. He on the other hand is spending all his money on her and taking her out for meals etc and then has the cheek to tell me that he cant pay the mortgage next month.

 

NOW WHAT ????

[kkat]

EnglishRose,

 

I have just caught up with your saga. I wanted to mention something I may have previously written to you.

 

1. I think your husband does love you.

 

Your husband is going back and forth with whether he loves you or not. I think he is confused and doesn't know what he wants, believes, or who he loves. I am sure he loves you, and your history together, but he may also "love" taking care of this OW. He also may "love" the incredible "high" many people feel from having two people crave them romantically.

 

(I believe my ex-MM loved me and I also believe he loves his wife. I think he falls in and out of love with one or the other of us, and since 1992, has twice drifted from her, to me, then back to her, then to me, now back to her. (Just today, he chose to smash my heart by telling me how he loves her and wants nothing to do with me and no longer loves me.) I think he does love her, and has loved her forever (with a few dry spells and loads of cheating with me).

 

2. When the money runs out, his behavior may change dramatically, and I think you are starting to see this.

 

When my ex-MM left his wife and moved in with me, I thought he was flush with money and he LOVED playing that role with me. He bought me VERY expensive gifts constantly, rented a luxury beachfront apartment, and we went out to dinner all the time to nice restaurants, etc. Guess what? Around the time he broke things off with me and went home to his wife, his very expensive car got repossessed, he couldn't pay the rent at the apartment (I had in the interim moved out), and he ended up filing bankruptcy (I learned this years later.)

 

Guess what else? When he ended things with me this time around, he admitted it was because he CAN"T AFFORD (in his viewpoint) to get a divorce. Of course now he has added that he doesn't love me, but the money was a factor. Again, I believe he loves his wife, but I think the money realities are a big part of the picture.

 

Your husband is starting to run out of money, and when he does, home will start to look much sweeter. Money is part of the equation in most marriages, and it definitely is in yours.

 

3. I don't have a specific point here, really. I just think that he does love you, sure he does. He may not be committed to you anymore, but likely loves you. And that money is going to be a factor for him - and he may come crawling back to you as a result. I'm not saying to wait for that, or hope for that, or anything like that -- but I wouldn't be surprised at all if in a short time, he's looking to get back together with you.

 

Good luck. And get another soliciter, by the way. A female if you can. And a junkyard dog.

[englishrose]

Kkat thank you so much for your reply.

 

A few posts ago you suggested i get a dog.

Well I lost my 18year old collie just before xmas but i still have a 14 year old king charles cavalier who is blind and deaf and on another planet most of the time but he is my love and really good company for me. He cant walk very well either so i have a push chair for him when we go out and it definately attracts lovely comments from strangers.

 

I have read your last post and I understand what you are saying. I dont know if I can remain strong enough to stick to my prinicples of not having him back because i do miss our old life together but i know it would never be the same again. I feel so sorry for him for what he is doing and not having any money but then again he is spending it all on her. I am paying all the bills now and am planning on buying him out but i am taking my time as the less money he has in his account the lower the buyout will be.

 

I am so sorry for all that you have been through with you mm and i am sure that you will meet someone who deserves you and loves you .

 

Thank you for caring

[FolderWife]

Originally posted by englishrose

Monday ... I dont understand what you are angry about????

 

 

I am angry that your husband is the one that cheated, your husband is the one that gave up on the marriage, your husband is being a real jerk about the whole thing, AND YET YOUR STUCK WITH THE RAW END OF THE DEAL!!!

 

Oh, it just makes me SO MAD! You are the victim here in my opinion...and he's getting away with EVERYTHING.

[FolderWife]

P.S. Do you think that when he comes crawling back you are just going to let him back in?? That's AWEFUL! He can leave you and your home, he can blow money on this ho bag, and then you'll take him back?

 

He does NOT deserve you.

[englishrose]

Thank you monday

 

Now I understand. I thought at first you were angry with me !!!!

 

Yes I agree my husband has been a total jerk and doesnt deserve me but he is not acting like the man I love. I know that i am seeing the true him and I dont like it one bit.

 

When he married his first wife he did exactly the same to her. Told her he was going fishing one weekend and didnt come back. She rang his work on the monday and they told her he had left and moved down south. She had no idea that he was going although she told me that he used to beat her and she told him she wanted a divorce just before he left.

He didnt send her any money for the mortgage and the house got repossesed and she was evicted. Of course the story he told me was totally different.

 

I know deep down that he was capable of hurting people like this but never dreamed he could do the same to me. Now I am experiencing the true man that he is .

 

He never contacts any of his family who live in australia and he hasnt spoken to his daughter in the USA for 4 years. He seems to be the sort of person who cuts himself off from people and only wants to be with the sort of people who can offer him something like this ow with her house.

 

I would have had more respect for him if he had left me and got himself a small flat on his own but he has had it handed to him on a plate. She even lives close enough to his work so he can walk to work as he doesnt drive.

 

He came round on sunday pleading poverty and then takes her out for an italian meal the same night !!!!!!!

[kkat]

ER, hope you are doing OK today. I wondered, do you feel you are holding onto some hope and interest in reconciling with your husband? If you are, not that you need to hear anyone's opinion, but if you do hold that hope....that's OK. It's natural and normal, and it's OK.

 

Are you a journal keeper/writer at all? I find that it can be helpful. Maybe to write down some facts to keep things straight in your head when you start to spin around mentally and emotionally.

 

How happy were YOU in the marriage before this all happened? Did you feel happy and content and that things were OK?

 

Good thoughts.

[englishrose]

Thanks Kkat

 

Yes I was really really happy in my marriage. We had been together 10 years and everyone said we were the perfect couple. Last year in the hot summer evenings we would get home from work and pack up a picnic and sit down the beach till midnight just talking and putting the world to rights.

We were always telling each other I love you sometimes up to 10 times a day. We were always cuddling and when we went out for walks we always held hands.

 

Everyone was shocked when I told them he had gone and even now they cant believe it and say he's gone potty and having a mid life crisis.

 

He treated me like a princess and always made sure that I was safe and warm even making sure I walked on the inside of the pavement !!!!

 

We used to pack up for a weekend a go camping regularly and sometimes in the evening we would just sit together quietly reading...not needing to talk but comfortable and safe with each other.

 

I can honestly say that I had never heard anyone say a bad word about him but they do now !!!!

 

We both worked hard at our jobs and saved for our holidays which we both had a ball on.

 

For a xmas present I paid for him to do his padi diving course so that we could both dive together and only the night before he left we were talking about going to the red sea diving.

 

Yes Kkat I started keeping a journal the day all this happened.

 

The week before he left we were in bed chatting and I said to him I am so lucky I love my life . He replied I know luv , I never dreamed I could be this happy

 

I dont know whether I am holding on to some hope for him to come back or not. I suppose I would like to have the power to say to him

See told you so !!!!!!!!

 

I think the husband I love has died and a stranger has taken his place so nothing would ever be the same again. I would never trust him and I know I would never forget what he has done to me and how he had the power to reduce me to a sniffling wreck. I am not a wreck now though so I have regained my strength.

 

thanks