2 years NC, should I give my ex another chance?

[Nextlane]

I hope everyone is well and any advice would be great as I will keep this as short as possible.

 

I was my ex-girlfriend's first boyfriend at 21 (I'm 2 years younger) and we dated for 4 years. She wanted to go on a holiday on her own and visit her parents back at her home country, to which she started acting cold to me whilst over there. Soon after I found out pictures of her with this guy lurking around Facebook, to which connected the dots together and closed the door on this cheater.

 

2 years later, I recently crossed paths with her at a friend's wedding. She basically teared up since speaking with me, telling me how she regretted breaking up with me (as well as bringing the past when we were a couple) and wants to at least still be friends as opposed to losing me completely. We ended up making out by the end of the night and she acted as if we were a couple again..

 

I was not emotionally invested this time as in my mind, I've always believed that once a cheater is always a cheater. However, another part of me believes that she was young at the time and probably needed to go through a bad relationship in order to appreciate what we had, as 6 years have pasted.

 

Should I give this girl another chance (she keeps calling me to hangout again) or save myself time and effort of being burnt again in the future?

Edited September 14, 2014 by Nextlane

[redbaron005]

I hope everyone is well and any advice would be great as I will keep this as short as possible.

 

I was my ex-girlfriend's first boyfriend at 21 (I'm 2 years younger) and we dated for 4 years. She wanted to go on a holiday on her own and visit her parents back at her home country, to which she started acting cold to me whilst over there. Soon after I found out pictures of her with this guy lurking around Facebook, to which connected the dots together and closed the door on this cheater.

 

2 years later, I recently crossed paths with her at a friend's wedding. She basically teared up since speaking with me, telling me how she regretted breaking up with me (as well as bringing the past when we were a couple) and wants to at least still be friends as opposed to losing me completely. We ended up making out by the end of the night and she acted as if we were a couple again..

 

I was not emotionally invested this time as in my mind, I've always believed that once a cheater is always a cheater. However, another part of me believes that she was young at the time and probably needed to go through a bad relationship in order to appreciate what we had, as 6 years have pasted.

 

Should I give this girl another chance (she keeps calling me to hangout again) or save myself time and effort of being burnt again in the future?

 

Hope you are well too. Only you can answer whether or not you are willing to risk being vulnerable and give her a second chance. I think you need more information before you can make the decision to move forward or back off.

 

If she invites you to coffee or a lunch I would accept and then keep it short (no more than 30 minutes). A genuine, lighthearted conversation with her outside of a wedding setting might give you a better idea of where she is at and where you are at. She seems to be coming on to you a bit strong and emotional, so if you decide to move forward, take it extremely slowly and set strict boundaries.

[J2911]

My philosophy is and will always be once dishonest ,,,, always dishonest . If you were faithful to her and she betrayed you then she surely will do it again .

[Nextlane]

Hope you are well too. Only you can answer whether or not you are willing to risk being vulnerable and give her a second chance. I think you need more information before you can make the decision to move forward or back off.

 

 

Thanks for your response and probably give it a bit more time as I'm not emotional invested. She's been pleading for me to speak with her again, to which I have kept all conversations short.

 

My philosophy is and will always be once dishonest ,,,, always dishonest . If you were faithful to her and she betrayed you then she surely will do it again .

 

I absolutely agree with you there. I was always faithful, supportive and respectful to her. The only issue which hinders in my mind was that fact that she was young and I was her first boyfriend.

 

 

---------------

 

The relationship was going great until the final year when I decided to further my career by going into full-time college - which I can admit to being a more boring/predictable person by spending more time at home as I had less money (we used to always go on spontaneous holidays/weekends). I wish she could have just hanged on for another year, as I've always been a man of my words.

 

My ex seems to be doing the things the past 2 years, whilst I was blessed with more life and career opportunities. A close female friend of mine advised that I shouldn't look back, as she wasn't around through my struggles.

[Purepony]

My only questions are

1 what happened to the loser she left you for?

2 why did.it take two years?

[Purepony]

I also forgot to ask if your seeing anyone?

If you are I would date the x I wouldn't go back to being in a relationship right away but I'd put her in the race and if she supersedes everyone well there you go... because the way I see it if your questioning it you want to deep down so why not?

[Simon Phoenix]

Honestly, I would never take a cheater back no matter the circumstances. Being young is not an adequate reason for lack of loyalty and betrayal. But even without that, are you really sure she wants to reconcile? Sure, she made out with you drunkenly (I presume) at a wedding, but she told you she wants to be friends, not that she wants to get back together.

 

If you really couldn't give a s--t and don't really care what happens, then go with it. However, if you are starting a thread on a relationship website in the "Second Chances" section, I'm thinking you're a bit more invested in the outcome than you are letting on. At the very least I'd tread lightly and let her initiate and make the moves for the time being. It could have easily just been a one-off drunken makeout due to alcohol and not having seen each other for a long time.

[AquanoxSerp]

I would say don't get emotionally involved and cut her dry. Though that said you said she was young. Is that it? Or did you and her argue and there was a miscommunication because I don't feel we're getting the whole picture.

 

Men tend to be VERY critical and emotional when it comes to a woman "cheating" on them to the point they lose sight of ALL context around the situation and are very happy to use and abuse labels like whore, tramp, slut, and cunt. Even men who break up with women go ape**** when the woman has sex with another before they do. What's worse is they tend to downplay their own playing the field and frankly I think that's **** behavior and a double standard that has to go. But I digress.

 

I want to state my now ex who has a very special and selective memory when it comes to "my cheating". For a very long time when we were in college he neglected to call me and talk to me and finally I asked him if he loved me. He said I don't know. Then I asked him again, "do you care if I get a boyfriend" and he said nope.

 

And then shortly after about 2 weeks later, I got a boyfriend. No response.

 

Months later, I existed to him again. I talked to him and I have not lost my virginity as I debated doing it with my new bf. My new bf and I btw were together for convenience. There were no strong feelings and more or less we did it to shut up our families. Asians are complicated but regardless him and I were not happy with our relationship yet we wouldn't cheat on each other (or so I thought)

 

In that time my ex picked up the communication and he seemed weird. He didn't fess to emotions, said he was now playing the field but he kept rejecting girls and really wanted to talk to me. I told him that's great but was there anything else he wanted to tell me? Nothing. He hoped that I had a great day with my new bf and I knew at that point he may have feelings for me. Or was he playing me?

 

At that point I didn't know and I was done guessing.

 

A while later, he completely went emo sad on me and wrote a novella. At that point I felt that perhaps it was time to consider what my ex was trying to say and that he still loved me. Note: the way he wrote the email was like a crack whore. It was messy and I have no idea wtf he was saying. Honestly I don't think he did either but that was proof to me that he had no clue how to express his emotions.

 

Anyways, when i started to listen to him my ex went a little crazy saying he just wants to go sweep me off to Japan and that he didn't know what he would do if he saw my bf. I was scared at that point he'd harm us and he backpedaled and apologized. The conversation recovered and I showed him my art, and then he laughed at it and insulted it which was incredibly personal and hurtful. It was at that point I became furious and felt I am such an idiot for opening myself up to him once more especially when he had a history of hurting me. I angrily ended the conversation and it was then I was determined to make my current relationship work and that was the day I lost my virginity.

 

My ex begged and pleaded I wouldn't listen and I told him to move on. And i continued on in my relationship until the current bf cheated on me.

 

I was devastated and I reached out to the ex who seemed hellbent on trying to communicate with me. I needed a friend and he wore the ruse of a nice friend so well that I realized perhaps I judged him wrong and so I apologized to him and he said it was ok.

 

It was then I felt I misjudged his character and fell for him. Later on I realized this was all a powerplay for him. He felt I was a cheater and a whore while he got his rocks off in bed with me. I'm not sure what planet he's from but when someone said what he said and that they didn't love nor cared about you anymore I feel a right to assume they doen't give a rat's ass.

 

But I was a doormat then and i allowed him to debase me because I felt I was the cheater and the whore.

 

I forgot, I was the one doing all the calling and communicating in college and therefore it sure as hell seemed like he didn't love me or care about my getting a boyfriend. Why the ex thought "oh you're such a whore and a cheater." made me go wtf. And of course his tearful pleas of how he couldn't live without me conveniently came alongside new competition. Back when i was single and loyal and a doormat he didn't give two ****s about me. Once I was gone, he realized what he lost.

 

Long story short, we did talk about it many years later.

 

We were older, thought we were more mature and got back together in 2009 but just a month ago we broke up again and he brought back all this **** once more and started to see a new woman who he throws in my face he is not sleeping because he's not a whore like me.

 

I now see how he never forgave me and how deluded his thinking is and how I became the doormat once again as he always felt I was a whore.

 

Today he broke NC after tossing small breadcrumbs weekly and broke out a big breadcrumb and I realized I had had enough.

 

I told him no more. And that either you own up to your mistakes if you want me back or you wait until I have no feelings for you and I am ready to start dating other men to be friends again. Because I have had enough of this bullcrap.

 

I'm pretty sure he will NOT like that choice but I don't need someone who thinks I'm a slutty whore and that he's always ABOVE me especially since HE did a LOT as well and is now playing the field.

 

Anyways OP, weigh what I said. If you will forever feel like she's a whore no matter WHAT she says do yourself and her a favor, save your time and don't even bother with the relationship.

 

Sure your feelings may or may not be logical but you know what, they're your feelings so go with your gut.

 

And from my experience, no matter what I said to my ex, no matter what ACTUALLY happened he will ALWYAS go with HIS version of the story. As deluded as it is he wants to be right.

 

And if that's how you are, save yourself the trouble and go with someone new and trustworthy to you and forget about this girl. Find someone you feel is genuinely worth your time and don't try to use "reason" when it comes to cheating.

 

It won't work unless you're willing to absolve and take some blame for it.

 

My ex wasn't willing and frankly I feel we're over.

[Waz]

And just because she was young, does that mean that cheating while you are young is tolerant?

Come one man, don't try to find excuses.

Yes, she may changed, she grew older, but would you risk it?

What i see here, is countless red flags, but hey this is just me.

 

It's up to you to decide, i'm only suggesting that you shouldn't do anything without giving it a serious thought.

[tiarakitty]

Here's my perspective

 

First relationship: 3 years, Both aged 15-17 years old

 

and I CHEATED. He was the most nicest guy.. but i was too young and wanted thrill. Do i want him back? No i do not want him back because I felt hurt for him. Maybe that's why your ex took 2 years… because she felt like it's not okay to hurt you again.

 

I went into another relationship one month after the break up (not with the guy i cheated with, another nice guy… lol i was just messing around with guys). Throughout the relationship, I HAD no intentions of messing around. Although he was a rebound i was clearly madly in love with him. I told myself that I won't cheat again… because the thought of HIM cheating on me it would break my heart (but he wouldn't of course.. LOL I HOPE!). We are together for more than 2 years

 

 

Once a cheater…. is not always a cheater.

sometimes we were just too young to realize

[Nextlane]

Thank you all for your responses.

 

I know I didn't detail the situation further, we also did a lot more than just making out that night as we worth both single (I'm an idiot who couldn't control himself). Anyways, she kept asking me if I still loved her to which I didn't respond or brushed off.

 

The next morning I dropped her and pretty much carried on with my life, ignoring her constant calls and texts (as I wanted to think it through).

 

I didn't want to go back so I just told her to not contact me again, nor can we be friends. She tried to contact me from 3 different phones (I blocked off 2) sent me a huge final text message about the past places, as well as she used to love me and family who treated her so well and hopes we can have a good relationship one day.

 

I've read up on a lot of forums lately about rekindling old flames, I'm just not entirely convinced it will work out for me (as she hasn't really changed drastically whether it be career, education or personal relationships with those around her).

 

They say that most people never change, instead they become a better version of who they are - hence I'm going on the basis she'll be better at cheating next time round.

 

Overall, it was a growing experience for me as I honestly never completely gotten over her until this event. Again, thank you all for your responses.

[No Limit]

Stay away from her. Block her if you keep noticing how your mind tries to trick you into believing she's so much better now than before. You just hurt her ego a bit.

[Nextlane]

Stay away from her. Block her if you keep noticing how your mind tries to trick you into believing she's so much better now than before. You just hurt her ego a bit.

 

I've already done so!

 

 

I avoided her for a solid 2 years with no contact and doubt it should be an issue as I go into further details. I later found out that she is still with that guy (he lives overseas) who she initially cheated on me with YET she's in bed with me that night (Karma?) and skipping work to hangout on the following day.

 

 

Her interest levels skyrocketed, constant calling and requests to hangout again - to which I shut my doors on her once more. It's been a crazy week, but overall I'm just happy to not be involved with someone like that.

[DreamLost]

It's all up to you to decide. But bear in mind that right now all she brings to you are bad memories and with this attitude she has towards relationship (i.e. making out with you when she is still with the other guy), she will continue to bring you hurt. You are right, a cheater is a cheater and there is no guarantee she won't be one again. If you are not ready to invest emotionally in a relationship, then keep your pace and keep it cool. And when you are ready, go find someone else.