GettingOver Posted September 14, 2014 Share Posted September 14, 2014 (edited) I am going through hard times... Been in an A for 3,5 years, broke up for the 3rd time 3 months ago. Reasons - still not divorced, lack of attention, blowing hot and cold from his side AND on top... back in April I was (I guess by chance) copied into his weird correspondence with a colleague that seemed more than flirty... Compliments from both sides, emails sent at almost midnight, him saying about dinners in an "intimate" atmosphere, that when he was leaving last time and they hugged each other "it was my intention to give you a kiss" and so on. When I read this I felt sick. I immediately called him and asked him whatthe hell was that. He got panicked, came over the same evening and said it was only a colleague, not his taste, etc. And for kissing he meant only a friendly one that is culturally typical in our country. I loved him like crazy and I swallowed it. I do not know if I believed that or not. But when I reread all this I cannot understand how a grown 40+ man is not understanding if he is flirty and giving signs to a woman or not!!! Since that I met someone really nice and we had a good time, he is rushing things a bit and said that he loves me. And I have mixed feelings - sometimes I feel very close to him and fell like a do develop feelings for him, but sometimes - out of the blue - I am sucked by my past and all this crap. I get back to this in my mind and I struggle with that. I guess I cannot accept the fact that exMM was not THAT much into me - at least lately, that he probably even CHEATED on me with another girl - even if it was only his desire to kiss her... And even thoug it was written and I read this I still doubt - what if it really was a friendly communication?.. I do not even know why am I writing all this... I am tired of this emotional rollercoaster, I want to truly move on and open up for a new person that treats me like gold... Thanks for reading... Edited September 14, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Majormisstep Posted September 14, 2014 Share Posted September 14, 2014 Getting, don't believe his malarky - not for a second. Of course he's going to smooth things over with you in the event the future OW doesn't pan out. You are correct, he wasn't that into you. He is only into himself and now he is moving on to his next conquest. As far as the new guy goes, be honest with him and say you are fresh out of something long term. He should at least have the opportunity to know your heart isn't 100% into this new relationship. I made a similar mistake with a new guy, xMM asked me not to date anyone (whilst he crawled into bed every night with his W) so I held new guy at bay. He sensed the apprehension and was gone. Valuable lesson learned here. Dump this player. NC! Let him be his W/next OW's problem. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GettingOver Posted September 14, 2014 Author Share Posted September 14, 2014 As far as the new guy goes, be honest with him and say you are fresh out of something long term. He should at least have the opportunity to know your heart isn't 100% into this new relationship. I made a similar mistake with a new guy, xMM asked me not to date anyone (whilst he crawled into bed every night with his W) so I held new guy at bay. He sensed the apprehension and was gone. Valuable lesson learned here. Dump this player. NC! Let him be his W/next OW's problem. Well, we had a talk a week ago. I guess he also sensed something and he pushed me to talke really hard. I started crying and told him the story - not in all details, but I told him where I am coming from. He told me that he started too fast with me and propably I will choose to be single. He said he will accept both options - no matter what I choose. I said that I did not want to break up... Next day I felt to ****ty cause he pushed me so hard to talk - like a prosecutor. I told him I felt really bad and needed a couple days of my own to figure this out. At first he was ok, then he called and apologised for being so pushy and hard with me and the he loved me... I am still in limbo. I really liked him so much in the beginning and now I feel like a psycho. There is a memeber on this board who had a similar experience. The ney guy was patient and really did fight for her. All I have to do is LET GO of exMM and his crap. Then I will be able to breath... But it doesn't seem to happen overnight... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 14, 2014 Share Posted September 14, 2014 I get back to this in my mind and I struggle with that. I guess I cannot accept the fact that exMM was not THAT much into me - at least lately, that he probably even CHEATED on me with another girl - even if it was only his desire to kiss her... And even thoug it was written and I read this I still doubt - what if it really was a friendly communication?.. In the bigger picture of things, you had an affair with a MM knowing full well from the get go he had a wife. He cheated on her with you, and now you know he is capable of lying/omitting truths and cheating on you with another OW. Reality is, he isn't obligated to you (nor it seems to his wife) and he's a serial cheater. Focus on "it's GOOD" that you two are over. As much as you may love him, he's not a long term partner material for you. Be glad no more sneaking around. Let yourself grieve the loss and be positive in the sense that you found out now who he really is, not who you thought he was. Get to know the guy you're with but take it slowly...It's obvious that you're not over exMM at all so be aware and take into consideration of your new guy's feelings. Be honest and let him know you're in no rush to get serious as you're still getting over someone else. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GettingOver Posted September 14, 2014 Author Share Posted September 14, 2014 Focus on "it's GOOD" that you two are over. As much as you may love him, he's not a long term partner material for you. Be glad no more sneaking around. Let yourself grieve the loss and be positive in the sense that you found out now who he really is, not who you thought he was. Get to know the guy you're with but take it slowly...It's obvious that you're not over exMM at all so be aware and take into consideration of your new guy's feelings. Be honest and let him know you're in no rush to get serious as you're still getting over someone else. Yes, we talked, he gave me some space and seems to be willing to slow down a bit. I hope it can work and I will 100% let my painful past go. Link to post Share on other sites
CaryAlston Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 Sorry, Ma'am, but the old adage is true: if you're the other woman, it does not mean you are the only other woman. By cheating with you, your AP shows he cannot be faithful and is untrustworthy. He's not "lifetime partner" material. Think about that everytime your AP comes to mind. It may help you move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 I don't understand why you think he is only capable of lying to his wife- Stand back a little and look at the situation as a whole-that should help you make the decisions you need to make- Link to post Share on other sites
Author GettingOver Posted September 15, 2014 Author Share Posted September 15, 2014 I don't understand why you think he is only capable of lying to his wife- Stand back a little and look at the situation as a whole-that should help you make the decisions you need to make- I am already standing back and the decision is made. I ended it 3 months ago - attempt No. 3 For a long time he made me feel like his "true and only love" that he cannot be with due to "dramatic" life circumstances I was crazy in love with him and believed. When I started being more demanding and "pushy" I guess he dicided to do the same thing as he did with me to his W - he charmed another young girl and received more ego strokes instead of "pushing". He is charming, very friendly and in a way flirty. I foolishly though that I was special, but not, or just for a short time. And after 3,5 years invested it is just hard to accept this reality. Thanks everyone who responded. I am struggling and I will keep on struggling. I want to get over it, it is a very hard process, but doable. It takes a conscious effort and I am proud of myself that by now I managed to overcome my moments of weakness and keep on struggling. I can only compare this to drug addiction - you get a moment of high, but this way leads you to hell. I don't want to go back to hell. I also want to make my new relationship work, but I do not want to rush things, I was honest with my guy, we both agreed that we jumped into the R way too fast - both of us, as he also had some very emotionally exhausting R before me. But we both want to make it work, but in a righ way - not to just put all the crap into a box and close your eyes, but to let negative emotions go and start a healthy relationship. Today I see some light in the end of the tunnel Link to post Share on other sites
Lovemesomehim Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 I am already standing back and the decision is made. I ended it 3 months ago - attempt No. 3 For a long time he made me feel like his "true and only love" that he cannot be with due to "dramatic" life circumstances I was crazy in love with him and believed. When I started being more demanding and "pushy" I guess he dicided to do the same thing as he did with me to his W - he charmed another young girl and received more ego strokes instead of "pushing". He is charming, very friendly and in a way flirty. I foolishly though that I was special, but not, or just for a short time. And after 3,5 years invested it is just hard to accept this reality. Thanks everyone who responded. I am struggling and I will keep on struggling. I want to get over it, it is a very hard process, but doable. It takes a conscious effort and I am proud of myself that by now I managed to overcome my moments of weakness and keep on struggling. I can only compare this to drug addiction - you get a moment of high, but this way leads you to hell. I don't want to go back to hell. I also want to make my new relationship work, but I do not want to rush things, I was honest with my guy, we both agreed that we jumped into the R way too fast - both of us, as he also had some very emotionally exhausting R before me. But we both want to make it work, but in a righ way - not to just put all the crap into a box and close your eyes, but to let negative emotions go and start a healthy relationship. Today I see some light in the end of the tunnel I'm glad you are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I wish you the very best in your new relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GettingOver Posted September 16, 2014 Author Share Posted September 16, 2014 I'm glad you are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I wish you the very best in your new relationship. Thank you! Even if the new relationship will not work I still see the light at the end of the tunnel - even if I am all by my own! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts