glitter_bug Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 Everyone was soo right - he came back once I decided that I didn't want him anymore Anyway quick background - bf for 2 years, we are both kinda young 20/21, broke up last june. He dumped me 'out of the blue' (it seemed to me). Cried for months, heart smashed into a billion pieces, world crumbled etc etc etc. Eventually did the NC thing, and then moved to seeing him or talking to him occasionally (2-3 times per month) I have recently moved away to college in another state, and he has been calling every night or two. I really enjoy hearing from him - I am all bubbley and chirpy. I tell him about all (well most anyway) of the fun stuff and parties in our dorm. New things i'm trying, friends i'm making. Basically i've gotten my life into gear. Soo..all good, but last night on the phone, just as we were saying goodbye he says 'love you lots and lots' - this was this thing i used to say to him when we were together. He is flying up to visit me next weekend, and has been saying he is thinking about moving here (about 12 hours drive away from his place). Now, I'm pretty sure he wants to get back together..but I don't know if i do or not. We had a really BIG gap - 8 months apart, he caused me soo much hurt. I feel like a totally new, confident, friendly, happy, person now, without him in the picture. SOOO much different to the snivelly little girl i was with him. I do still love him a bit though, well quite a bit actually. So, I want to know.. can you go back after a gap of months? Should you get back with an ex after you have managed to get over him? Or is it just inviting more pain back? Help would really be appriciated! Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 No, I would not recommend doing that. The hurt of the breakup would resurface, and as it looks like it should be something of an LDR, you make it extra hard for each other to trust; as distrust would be part of the relationship. You would have the fear that he would break up again, you would feel a lot of resentment for what he did to you. And he will have his share of issues. 8 months is a long time, and everything that happened in between would hurt. I would say enjoy your youth, and your new friends, and enjoy what the future holds for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author glitter_bug Posted March 5, 2005 Author Share Posted March 5, 2005 Argh! i hadn't even thought of that yet d'arthez - i'm sure i would be scared that he would just leave me again. When we broke up, there wasn't any arguement or anything like that - he just said he didn't think he loved me enough anymore. I guess it makes it easier for him to come back..but also i know how easily he can just decide to leave. I haven't encounted a LDR before, and I'm not sure I want to. If it was going to work, he would have to be prepared to move up here with me (sounds like he is though) I would love to hear any stories of people that have successfully (or not) gotten back together? what did you do that made it work or what did it turn out like? Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 I know the break-up had been very tough on you, as you did not have an explanation for the break-up. So once you are a couple again, that fear will not easily be erased. And of course, you will have some resentment to him, for the break-up. You will wonder what he has done in the 8 months in between. Even though he was not committed to you, you would still feel the hurt if he slept with another girl, as if he had cheated. That is why second chances usually don't work out, and that is in far better positions, and with less time in between. If he truly believed it was a mistake, he should have discovered months earlier, and worked towards a second chance. LDRs are very hard, even 1 year "only" would be hard on you, as you would need to have a lot of trust, trust which is shattered of course as he broke up with you out of the blue. Right now you have made a chance of environment, you are making a lot of new friends. Focus on these, and no more on the ex. From all these people it probably will not be hard for you to find someone with whom you connect. I can't offer you a story on second chances that worked or did not work; but if you try, the odds and the situation are not working in your favour. Link to post Share on other sites
sarah12 Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 I would have to agree with d'Arthez. I have seen couples go through the second time around and it almost never works out, for all the reasons d'Arthez listed. Besides, wouldn't you want a guy who is mature enough to want you 200% the first time around without any doubts in his mind? Don't settle just because there isn't another in the picture. You are having a good time, you are in a great place in life right now, and you are young. You are happy being friends with him now, so why bring back all the hurt from the past? The last thing you want to do is get into something that's going to be an on again/off again relationship, which is what usually happens with most people who get back together. The stability just isn't there because the trust has been broken and takes a LONG time to gain back.. One saying I always go by is that you can't look forwards and backwards at the same time. To move on, you gotta stop looking back. You will always be in fear of the broken trust and the hurt and pain, because the innocence of the relationship is long gone. Keep being friends with him, cherish what you have learned from him, and take it for what it is rather than digging back into it. Link to post Share on other sites
amourseeker Posted March 7, 2005 Share Posted March 7, 2005 my theory is...an ex is an ex for a reason. do you really want to take the chance in getting hurt again??? After it took you so long to get over him?? Enjoy your college years and have fun...if it was meant to be then after you graduate he will find you again! If he wants to be with you that bad he will wait now! Link to post Share on other sites
clynn Posted March 7, 2005 Share Posted March 7, 2005 I think that only you can know what is in your heart. >....and the answer will be more apparent after / during his visit when you actually see him. ..If you are with him and are feeling loving towards him and that maybe you might want to get back together (or try to), just take it slowly and don't go for it right away, give yourself time to think and let him leave and go home after the weekend without an answer. I've known couples who've broken up and gotten back together many times and then become a really solid loving couple. Good friends of mine broke up and got back together many times and once for a full year. After eight years of that, they got engaged and have a very solid marriage. They had figured out a lot of their stuff in the early days. At least that is what they say. So that is just offering another perspective for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author glitter_bug Posted March 7, 2005 Author Share Posted March 7, 2005 Wow - thanks for all the replies guys! Its amazing how you guys can tell exactly whats going on, even from my short post - all the comments have been really relavent and helpful! You have certainly given me some things to think about...At the moment, even though I DO still love him I think I want to remain friends for now - thats the plan anyway..my resolve may slip when I see him again. He isn't coming to visit me this weekend anymore , but he said he could come the weekend after if I want. I'm not even sure if he has decided what he wants. I was soo disappointed that I wasn't going to see him in a few days time (although I tried not to let him know). I didn't realise I still cared so much about seeing him again Everyone is entitled to make mistakes right? I do know that although some other girls have been interested in the last 8 months, nothing has happened there (pointed out to me by him several times) Link to post Share on other sites
beatjunkies Posted March 7, 2005 Share Posted March 7, 2005 I think that you should give it another chance. What do you have to lose ?? lets compare give him a chance- at least if things dont work out then you know it wasn't meant to be dont give him another chance- you will always wonder what it would have been like if you would've and you would wonder if things would've worked out. Sure you might go through this again IF he leaves but at least you know that eventually you will get over it for a reason. I have had 2nd, 3rd, 4th chances with my ex (i dumped her all the times) i was stupid for it but i was confused at the time.. Well we were together for 7 years and thanks to her for giving me those chances that the length of the relationship was as long as it was.. i am young myself (21) and the reason we broke up this time is because i moved away and she didnt want a LDR (she dumped me).. i have since moved back but now she has a bf and what not so yeah.. Maybe one day my ex will ask for that 2nd chance.. Hope this helps you.. Mainly just do what YOU feel you want to do.. i would give it another go though just to see where it takes you... Be a little risky.. life is full of risks.. you cant avoid them all or you will have a pointless life right ?? take care, peace Link to post Share on other sites
clynn Posted March 7, 2005 Share Posted March 7, 2005 Well, she doesn't even know yet if that is what he wants. And besides he cancelled his trip to visit also. So who knows? Link to post Share on other sites
MassiveAtom Posted March 7, 2005 Share Posted March 7, 2005 Originally posted by amourseeker my theory is...an ex is an ex for a reason. Far too often the reasons are illogical, irrational, and unfounded projections of immaturity. do you really want to take the chance in getting hurt again??? To love, is to risk being hurt. When you love and get hurt, love anyway. After it took you so long to get over him?? Enjoy your college years and have fun...if it was meant to be then after you graduate he will find you again! If he wants to be with you that bad he will wait now! This is the wisdom. Live your youth for you. I made the mistake of living mine for everyone else in my life. Then take it further, live your life for you. Don't try to control others into "waiting" it just hurts everybody. Most importantly, just finish school. About the fella, ask yourself, "what's the harm?" just my $1.50 MA Link to post Share on other sites
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