feel like Im gonna break in two

[herself]

It wasn't a matter of being happy with the marriage. She has said she had feelings for this other guy predating the marriage. The better question is why marry one man if your in love with another? I think the answer is she wanted married but was unable to be with who she wanted to be with for whatever reason.

 

This is on her, as it is on all unfaithful spouses/partners. Its simply a cop-out or not owning your own s*it to blame your spouse or marriage.

 

I dont really owe you an explanation to my feelings or the 'hard questions' you asked of me.

I never said I wanted to marry my eap partner before I married my husband but married my husband instead because my friend wouldnt have me? We weren't right as a true couple. Doesn't mean I wouldn't fall prey to feeling loved, needed, pretty, wanted.

Those are hard things to turn down as a woman.

It has nothing to do with marriage, my husband is the best man I know.

 

Im not sure how you fill in the blanks and just write the part of the story that you feel I left out. Your past does not make you an expert.

You make alot of unfair assumptions and not one rings true. Seems to make you feel better to just strike with your "hard truths" but I find them inaccurate and maybe they are therapeutic for you to lash out because you were cheated on.

You know what bud...I had every opportunity to jump in the backseat of a car, take him to a hotel...engage in makeout sessions and sneak in alleys to fool around.

 

I never touched him. I am not professing I am right for the things I DID engage in, but I was a woman who loved a friend and got swept deeper than I wanted to because I felt beautiful and loved and accepted and couldnt believe someone could want me or love me that way. I admired him so when I discovered he loved me I selfishly justified I could have both and no one could get hurt because we weren't leaving our marriage or hurting our spouses. I justified I was happier so therefore I was an even better spouse.

 

I lost my morals but I dont owe it to you and I will not devastate my husband more by a selfish confession...and I dont care how you feel about that. Its my life my choice.

Im sorry I reached out for help. I deserve harsh cruel responses but its when people think they know and can fill in the blanks of your life based on their own experience...that really bothers me. Best of luck to you and to everyone who has to lie in the bed we made.

I know I deserve pain.

Why are you here om the boards still? (Rhetorical)

Edited September 15, 2014 by herself

[CaryAlston]

If you still feel that way, I don't think you are happy. Do you deserve to be unhappy? What about your husband? Does he not have the right to be happy, too? Maybe you are not meant to be together. Maybe you'll be happier with other people, though you may not necessarily end up with the MM.

[herself]

If you still feel that way, I don't think you are happy. Do you deserve to be unhappy? What about your husband? Does he not have the right to be happy, too? Maybe you are not meant to be together. Maybe you'll be happier with other people, though you may not necessarily end up with the MM.

 

Quite honestly I was happy having it all.

Right or wrong its true.

No desire to leave my husband. Never ever wanted to.

I was happy in the bubble. We had it all.

[whatatangledweb]

How long ago did this happen? Did he just disappear or did he say something before going NC? I am sorry you are hurting.

[jellybean89]

It wasn't a matter of being happy with the marriage. She has said she had feelings for this other guy predating the marriage. The better question is why marry one man if your in love with another? I think the answer is she wanted married but was unable to be with who she wanted to be with for whatever reason.

 

This is on her, as it is on all unfaithful spouses/partners. Its simply a cop-out or not owning your own s*it to blame your spouse or marriage.

 

ditto......

[jellybean89]

I dont really owe you an explanation to my feelings or the 'hard questions' you asked of me.

I never said I wanted to marry my eap partner before I married my husband but married my husband instead because my friend wouldnt have me? We weren't right as a true couple. Doesn't mean I wouldn't fall prey to feeling loved, needed, pretty, wanted.

Those are hard things to turn down as a woman.

It has nothing to do with marriage, my husband is the best man I know.

 

Im not sure how you fill in the blanks and just write the part of the story that you feel I left out. Your past does not make you an expert.

You make alot of unfair assumptions and not one rings true. Seems to make you feel better to just strike with your "hard truths" but I find them inaccurate and maybe they are therapeutic for you to lash out because you were cheated on.

You know what bud...I had every opportunity to jump in the backseat of a car, take him to a hotel...engage in makeout sessions and sneak in alleys to fool around.

 

I never touched him. I am not professing I am right for the things I DID engage in, but I was a woman who loved a friend and got swept deeper than I wanted to because I felt beautiful and loved and accepted and couldnt believe someone could want me or love me that way. I admired him so when I discovered he loved me I selfishly justified I could have both and no one could get hurt because we weren't leaving our marriage or hurting our spouses. I justified I was happier so therefore I was an even better spouse.

 

I lost my morals but I dont owe it to you and I will not devastate my husband more by a selfish confession...and I dont care how you feel about that. Its my life my choice.

Im sorry I reached out for help. I deserve harsh cruel responses but its when people think they know and can fill in the blanks of your life based on their own experience...that really bothers me. Best of luck to you and to everyone who has to lie in the bed we made.

I know I deserve pain.

Why are you here om the boards still? (Rhetorical)

 

Again, like DK, I am not understanding how you claim your H is the best man ever, yet you were swept away by the cheater cause he told you the bolded above...so your spouse never said those things or made you feel good/loved?

 

Its not fair to strike out at DK - you posted and he was asking questions. He possibly was trying to understand your story better because I have read your thread a few times and still don't understand how you can claim you love your H, how he is the best man ever yet do what you did. I cannot wrap my head around it. I get that you don't want to tell him - cause he will probably leave you and you will destroy his world and you don't want him to know what you have done for the last many years, etc with this married man. I get you don't want to open yourself to his anger and disdain. But you are still pining for the MM and that is not fair to your spouse. He will never measure up against the MM, no matter what - part of the affair is the illicit secretive nature that thrills so many. So what are you doing to prove to your H, without telling him of your cheating, that you WANT to be married to HIM and want ONLY him?

[herself]

How long ago did this happen? Did he just disappear or did he say something before going NC? I am sorry you are hurting.

 

We reconnected on March after 4 months Nc.

When we reconnected it was to be friends only as we had been for several years before admitting feelings.

We fell back in to eap quickly and platonic was out the window.

Of course Im.pining for him, of course I loved him.

Im sorry to the doubters but I dont subscribe to the theory you can only have one love, that you cant love two at once.

Im staying married, I want to be married.

I wanted to selfishly have wedded bliss and have the exchanges with my friend too.

I admit it fully.

Who wouldnt want MORE love.

I was happy. Im not perfect, not seeking to have approval...

What my issue was is that life was great, and I wasnt ready to face it ending so soon.

We (my xeap and I) had a final talk.

He cited guilt and reminded we said when we started falling again that we still had to make platonic friendship our first priority and if either of us had the conflict of guilt or felt the need to scale back we could.

I didnt know how fast that day would come, I wasn't ready to let go of that side of things.

It came too quick, it was as I said no drama, no fighting or push pull...all happy all the time.

So it came to an end overnight.

Im sorry to all of you that my moral code isnt equal to yours or societies.

Im aware that its wtong by the worlds standards and even to an extent my own but not exactly.

Its just hard to see love could be wrong.

When your so deep you want to selfishly hold onto it.

The fog is lifting.

He has contacted me still everyday now.

He sent me an online giftcard today for coffee as a goodluck for an interview.

He isnt flirting nor am I...I can tell his resolve is pretty final.

He does say I love you. But I know it means friendship.

I think he wants to be a good man and the guilt was causing him conflict.

I need the courage to go NC again because for now the love for him runs deep but Im not showing it to him or trying to sway him. I respect his decision it just sucks.

 

This is a hard one cause its such a long friendship.

Next year will be 15 years.

[whatatangledweb]

So he ended the EA but not the friendship overnight. He is still contacting you every day and saying I love you. It sounds like he didn't really end anything. He may think he has but doing what he is doing is still an EA. I bet it gears right back to where it was.

[herself]

So he ended the EA but not the friendship overnight. He is still contacting you every day and saying I love you. It sounds like he didn't really end anything. He may think he has but doing what he is doing is still an EA. I bet it gears right back to where it was.

 

Oh no...he ended it.

But when he has done this in the past he has also iced me out of his life and this time since weve had a chance to discuss how that affected me, I think hes just trying to tip toe and slowly back away. A more considerate breakup if you will.

Each day its getting easier.

I need to completely block him once and for all so he could never get back in.

All the times I tried to heal and move on and let him go...

He came back and wanted me back.

I dont want anymore pulling me back only to be spit back out when hes had his fill.

I know its low self esteem on my part that has kept me stuck.

[Toodaloo]

I know its low self esteem on my part that has kept me stuck.

 

herself - I have only seen you post thoughtful and kind things for others.

 

Now you have to take some of your own advice. No contact, no friends. Nothing. You have to end this. Properly. Once and for all.

 

You are hurting. Badly. Not with out good reason. You were in a relationship with this chap for a very long time. You need time to get over that and recover. This is like a cancer eating you up. Its time to cut that cancer out.

 

You also need to deal with the other man in your life that you love. Your husband... Each time you think of your AP try and imagine how crushed your husband would be - you know you are doing the right thing.

 

One day at a time...

[Pinklotus]

Herself...you have been very kind to me. Your situation is unique in that it has lasted so long, which means it's gonna be even harder for you.

 

But, I can tell you, that if you cut him out 100%, and focus on your husband, you are going to find that your marriage afterwards compared to during the affair is like night and day. Yes, there will be tough times, possibly, as you heal and repair whatever was missing in your marriage. But you will be focused on it 100% and not someone else.

 

Three people in a marriage with one person in the dark is not having it all or a great situation. It's living a lie and keeping one person out of the loop. You can't be giving your husband your true heart and soul if you feel this way about the other guy. And once you get rid of the OM for good and get over him, THEN you might just have the truly great marriage that you want or already think you have.

[Pinklotus]

Oh no...he ended it.

But when he has done this in the past he has also iced me out of his life and this time since weve had a chance to discuss how that affected me, I think hes just trying to tip toe and slowly back away. A more considerate breakup if you will.

Each day its getting easier.

I need to completely block him once and for all so he could never get back in.

All the times I tried to heal and move on and let him go...

He came back and wanted me back.

I dont want anymore pulling me back only to be spit back out when hes had his fill.

I know its low self esteem on my part that has kept me stuck.

 

Yes, block him. And have you been to a counselor yet? You have to explore why you have done this, why you are so addicted, and how to move on.

[Pinklotus]

He sent you a gift card. It doesn't sound like he is trying very hard. He is sending mixed messages. He is trying to keep the connection going. Get him out of your life.

 

We reconnected on March after 4 months Nc.

When we reconnected it was to be friends only as we had been for several years before admitting feelings.

We fell back in to eap quickly and platonic was out the window.

Of course Im.pining for him, of course I loved him.

Im sorry to the doubters but I dont subscribe to the theory you can only have one love, that you cant love two at once.

Im staying married, I want to be married.

I wanted to selfishly have wedded bliss and have the exchanges with my friend too.

I admit it fully.

Who wouldnt want MORE love.

I was happy. Im not perfect, not seeking to have approval...

What my issue was is that life was great, and I wasnt ready to face it ending so soon.

We (my xeap and I) had a final talk.

He cited guilt and reminded we said when we started falling again that we still had to make platonic friendship our first priority and if either of us had the conflict of guilt or felt the need to scale back we could.

I didnt know how fast that day would come, I wasn't ready to let go of that side of things.

It came too quick, it was as I said no drama, no fighting or push pull...all happy all the time.

So it came to an end overnight.

Im sorry to all of you that my moral code isnt equal to yours or societies.

Im aware that its wtong by the worlds standards and even to an extent my own but not exactly.

Its just hard to see love could be wrong.

When your so deep you want to selfishly hold onto it.

The fog is lifting.

He has contacted me still everyday now.

He sent me an online giftcard today for coffee as a goodluck for an interview.

He isnt flirting nor am I...I can tell his resolve is pretty final.

He does say I love you. But I know it means friendship.

I think he wants to be a good man and the guilt was causing him conflict.

I need the courage to go NC again because for now the love for him runs deep but Im not showing it to him or trying to sway him. I respect his decision it just sucks.

 

This is a hard one cause its such a long friendship.

Next year will be 15 years.

[herself]

herself - I have only seen you post thoughtful and kind things for others.

 

Now you have to take some of your own advice. No contact, no friends. Nothing. You have to end this. Properly. Once and for all.

 

You are hurting. Badly. Not with out good reason. You were in a relationship with this chap for a very long time. You need time to get over that and recover. This is like a cancer eating you up. Its time to cut that cancer out.

 

You also need to deal with the other man in your life that you love. Your husband... Each time you think of your AP try and imagine how crushed your husband would be - you know you are doing the right thing.

 

One day at a time...

Thank you so much for giving me graceful tough love. Its a fragile thing. Feels like Ive been trying to end it and hold onto it both for nearly 14 years. I havent had the strength and I've DONE ic with no results.

But Im at a cross road that feels different like my hearts says this is it.

I wasnt ready to face this end. Im not strong to him his pull was always stronger and his love intense to me. Alas Im so exhausted with it.

I want the love of my husband to be my only love.

It all seemed fine. It really did. I gotta break it now.

[JustJoe]

Herself, do you ever envision being honest with your husband? Do you ever envision respecting him , like a life partner should? Do you , HONESTLY, think that you have given your husband 100% of yourself? Or that you ever can do so? This infatuation you have,( and it IS an infatuation) and all of your justifications and rationalizations , are bricks in the wall, between you and a truly honest and fulfilling marriage. Ending the EA isn't tearing down the wall, it is simply using other bricks. MY only advice for you is, simply put, that you really need to become an adult. If you need help becoming one, then get it.

[brightonrock]

Hi Herself

 

I just wanted to offer you some support. I too have been involved in a pretty similar situation to you, long term affairs are extremely emotionally complicated and can totally relate to how you have been feeling. Its easy for others to judge, just as I probably would have done, but until you have walked in somebody elses shoes, you never quite know how you are going to feel. Stay strong

[herself]

Hi Herself

 

I just wanted to offer you some support. I too have been involved in a pretty similar situation to you, long term affairs are extremely emotionally complicated and can totally relate to how you have been feeling. Its easy for others to judge, just as I probably would have done, but until you have walked in somebody elses shoes, you never quite know how you are going to feel. Stay strong

 

Thank you so much. I read your story as well and indeed you do get it, you can relate.

This really encouraged me and Im so thankful.

[JustJoe]

Hi Herself

 

I just wanted to offer you some support. I too have been involved in a pretty similar situation to you, long term affairs are extremely emotionally complicated and can totally relate to how you have been feeling. Its easy for others to judge, just as I probably would have done, but until you have walked in somebody elses shoes, you never quite know how you are going to feel. Stay strong

Actually, I have "walked a mile in Herself's shoes" about 4 1/2 years worth. But I forced disclosure, and married my affair partner. She is expecting our third child, and we are happy as clams. But for all of this to happen, we had to put on our big kid pants and grow up. Herself, you are enjoying your dramatic fantasy, but are seriously disrespecting your husband , that you claim to love. Hint: This isn't having it all, it's deceit. Sad..; I will grant you...but true nonetheless.

[herself]

Actually, I have "walked a mile in Herself's shoes" about 4 1/2 years worth. But I forced disclosure, and married my affair partner. She is expecting our third child, and we are happy as clams. But for all of this to happen, we had to put on our big kid pants and grow up. Herself, you are enjoying your dramatic fantasy, but are seriously disrespecting your husband , that you claim to love. Hint: This isn't having it all, it's deceit. Sad..; I will grant you...but true nonetheless.

 

Maybe you hadn't read...the affair is over.

[herself]

Actually, I have "walked a mile in Herself's shoes" about 4 1/2 years worth. But I forced disclosure, and married my affair partner. She is expecting our third child, and we are happy as clams. But for all of this to happen, we had to put on our big kid pants and grow up. Herself, you are enjoying your dramatic fantasy, but are seriously disrespecting your husband , that you claim to love. Hint: This isn't having it all, it's deceit. Sad..; I will grant you...but true nonetheless.

 

I guess Id like to add, if I don't reply to your first antagonizing post....that means I am not trying to engage antagonizing remarks.

I had an ea, it's over, I'm greiving it. Thats it.

It causes pain as your wife and your aps husband likely went through when you and your ap decided to break up your homes to be together.

We never disrespected our spouses to the extent of actually taking off our clothes and jumping into bed. We felt guilt, he spoke to me about ending it (abruptly which was a shock to the system and hence the higher levels of psin) but I accepted the end in the way I haven't reached out, initiated contact, asked him to reconsider.

I never said I was right, or innocent...I said I loved two men.

And I assume thats why we are all here. Because we engaged in affairs and are impacted and trying to survive the storm.

Im guilty as charged. I get that. I don't need to disclose and Ive said that time and time again. I'm not interested in arguing about that, its a done decision and a personal one and I didn't ask for support or agreement on that. Was just sharing my story as I have learned from others and empathise with others.

Theres no good in any of it. I know.

[JustJoe]

Not antagonistic at all. Just straightforward.

I was not married during my A and my then AP didn't have any kids, so that wasn't an issue. We broke up her marriage but not two families.

My point was and is that you seem to be fantasizing about your AP, and spending time bewailing your situation, when you SHOULD be concentrating on your marriage. You are miss-representing yourself to your husband, and continuing the deception, so the affair isn't really over, is it?. So where is your respect for him, and where is your integrity ?

Many of us have had affairs. The best of us do our best to insure that we don't act in this manner again, and have enough respect for our spouses to give them the courtesy of the (delayed) truth, and enough courage to face that same truth..

[JustJoe]

Anyway, good luck to you. I hope that your idea of a marriage without honesty works out for you. Just giving my $.02.

[herself]

Not antagonistic at all. Just straightforward.

I was not married during my A and my then AP didn't have any kids, so that wasn't an issue. We broke up her marriage but not two families.

My point was and is that you seem to be fantasizing about your AP, and spending time bewailing your situation, when you SHOULD be concentrating on your marriage. You are miss-representing yourself to your husband, and continuing the deception, so the affair isn't really over, is it?. So where is your respect for him, and where is your integrity ?

Many of us have had affairs. The best of us do our best to insure that we don't act in this manner again, and have enough respect for our spouses to give them the courtesy of the (delayed) truth, and enough courage to face that same truth..

 

Thank you for your.02 cents worth. Perhaps maybe just keep an eye on your marriage with a former cheater as I feel like you're possibly projecting.

I know exactly who I am. Lets part ways here peacefully and agree to disagree.

As a reformed cheater your advice is probably best served to those seeking moral advice. I actually wasn't.

[JustJoe]

See, that's the thing, isn't it? I don't have to "keep an eye" on my marriage, because we learned from the affair that dishonesty is poison to ANY relationship. It was a hard lesson to learn, but we learned it well. It seems that it is a lesson that you haven't learned yet. But you will. Good Luck.

[herself]

See, that's the thing, isn't it? I don't have to "keep an eye" on my marriage, because we learned from the affair that dishonesty is poison to ANY relationship. It was a hard lesson to learn, but we learned it well. It seems that it is a lesson that you haven't learned yet. But you will. Good Luck.

 

Just not sure why since you learned your lesson why that means everyone learns theirs at the same pace and in the same way.

Either way your relationship turned marriage was built on dishonesty so though you preach the moral high ground you cheated, took another mans wife away disrespected h I m by having sex with his wife... and now your on here pointing fingers? Talking honesty.

Id rather you stick to my post topic because your posts really dont relate to my experience. I dont relate to you nor agree with you, sorry. Thabks for the snarky "good luck" lets see whose karmas worse.