feel like Im gonna break in two

[JustJoe]

Actually, the "good Luck" was genuine. I truly do hope you can make it, bu I have my doubts. As far as the "high Ground", never have I excused my behavior. Neither did my wife. But you would have to know our story , before you could judge fairly. I suppose there are some old threads around, if you want to know. But it really isn't necessary. What we DID, isn't what we are. We both learned the value of honesty, the hard way. I truly do hope that you don't have to do the same.

[herself]

Actually, the "good Luck" was genuine. I truly do hope you can make it, bu I have my doubts. As far as the "high Ground", never have I excused my behavior. Neither did my wife. But you would have to know our story , before you could judge fairly. I suppose there are some old threads around, if you want to know. But it really isn't necessary. What we DID, isn't what we are. We both learned the value of honesty, the hard way. I truly do hope that you don't have to do the same.

 

I'll be ok as we chose together to no longer continue. Im.healing.

Good luck to you too.

[Redheaded Mistress]

I pity my husband and his wife too.

It has been ended.

I am just saying the love didnt end.

Theres no question it wasnt right, selfish, immoral.

I love him still. Im aware its aweful.

 

First of all, stop beating yourself up. You fell in love with somebody, had an EA, now you're pulling back and trying to do what you think is right by your family. You didn't kill anybody, you didn't break any laws... You have something you believe is a failing, just like each and every one of us has. We all have failings, even the people who're finger pointing, and you're doing something about what you see as your failing. That's not easy, it's not fun, and it's not without pain, sacrifice, tears, and questions about regret, right choices, and if you can pull through.

 

Secondly, something that takes 13 years to grow, that's been nurtured in one way or another for 13 years, it's just not going to go away overnight. It's the end of a long-term relationship, even if it was only a mental one. That's freaking hard! You need to allow yourself space to be sad, to grieve, to be upset, and allow yourself to find closure. You need it, you deserve it, if nothing but your own sanity. Allowing this grief to fester by just pretending it doesn't exist will do more to hurt your marriage and you than just simply dealing with it.

 

Thirdly, I know you say telling your husband is off the table... That's fine. That's your choice, your life, and that's something that's entirely up to you and no up to anybody else to give you grief for. What you may want to consider doing, however, if you're wanting to invest back into your marriage, is to tell him that a friendship ended and it's really hard on you, or give him some clue that you have something going on that's hard for you. This gives you the opportunity to you to lean on him to get through, and it gives him the opportunity to step in and offer you support on an emotional level you were getting somewhere else. It'll also keep him from internalizing whatever issues you have as a reflection of him... Because no matter how well you think you're hiding it, trust me... He knows something is off. Better to tell him something and that it's not him than let him wonder if there's something wrong with the marriage.

 

Not to pull the BTDT card, but when I went through this with my husband and I was trying to end the affair I was having, I thought I hided my devastation well. I didn't. And it translated into marital problems because I had changed, I was under stress, my husband thought it was him, he tried to fix it and I didn't want him too really... It just got messier.

 

Keep your chin up... It'll get better. Not tomorrow, maybe not even next month, maybe not even next year, but if you work to change what you want to change, it'll hurt, but you'll get there.

[Bittersweetie]

Herself, I've been thinking about you all weekend. It seems that you really have only two choices.

 

1. Continue to think of and obsess about your xAP.

 

2. Make a concerted effort to stop those thoughts about xAP and focus your energies on moving forward.

 

I saw your posts in the Textbook thread, and it looks like you are stuck in #1...which won't really lead to change. Or do you not want things to change? Your experience is lengthy so maybe a counselor may be able to help you sort out your thoughts and feelings, and put a plan in place for moving forward.

 

Good luck,

B (a fWW)

[herself]

First of all, stop beating yourself up. You fell in love with somebody, had an EA, now you're pulling back and trying to do what you think is right by your family. You didn't kill anybody, you didn't break any laws... You have something you believe is a failing, just like each and every one of us has. We all have failings, even the people who're finger pointing, and you're doing something about what you see as your failing. That's not easy, it's not fun, and it's not without pain, sacrifice, tears, and questions about regret, right choices, and if you can pull through.

 

Secondly, something that takes 13 years to grow, that's been nurtured in one way or another for 13 years, it's just not going to go away overnight. It's the end of a long-term relationship, even if it was only a mental one. That's freaking hard! You need to allow yourself space to be sad, to grieve, to be upset, and allow yourself to find closure. You need it, you deserve it, if nothing but your own sanity. Allowing this grief to fester by just pretending it doesn't exist will do more to hurt your marriage and you than just simply dealing with it.

 

Thirdly, I know you say telling your husband is off the table... That's fine. That's your choice, your life, and that's something that's entirely up to you and no up to anybody else to give you grief for. What you may want to consider doing, however, if you're wanting to invest back into your marriage, is to tell him that a friendship ended and it's really hard on you, or give him some clue that you have something going on that's hard for you. This gives you the opportunity to you to lean on him to get through, and it gives him the opportunity to step in and offer you support on an emotional level you were getting somewhere else. It'll also keep him from internalizing whatever issues you have as a reflection of him... Because no matter how well you think you're hiding it, trust me... He knows something is off. Better to tell him something and that it's not him than let him wonder if there's something wrong with the marriage.

 

Not to pull the BTDT card, but when I went through this with my husband and I was trying to end the affair I was having, I thought I hided my devastation well. I didn't. And it translated into marital problems because I had changed, I was under stress, my husband thought it was him, he tried to fix it and I didn't want him too really... It just got messier.

 

Keep your chin up... It'll get better. Not tomorrow, maybe not even next month, maybe not even next year, but if you work to change what you want to change, it'll hurt, but you'll get there.

 

Thank you kindly. Thankfully my H was fully aware of the (platonic) friendship and the struggles we had in arguing. Ive already done exactly as you suggested and let him in on the breakup. I also lost my job and so he equally knows its a hard time. He is helping me through and I'm trying hard to stay on track to healing because he deserves that. He doesn't deserve to see me cry over someone else how crazy backwards.

My ex eap have been friends since my h and I were just starting to date so this is why hes aware of our friendship. At least that parts never been hidden.

Thank you for your support. I really appreciate it so much.

[herself]

Herself, I've been thinking about you all weekend. It seems that you really have only two choices.

 

1. Continue to think of and obsess about your xAP.

 

2. Make a concerted effort to stop those thoughts about xAP and focus your energies on moving forward.

 

I saw your posts in the Textbook thread, and it looks like you are stuck in #1...which won't really lead to change. Or do you not want things to change? Your experience is lengthy so maybe a counselor may be able to help you sort out your thoughts and feelings, and put a plan in place for moving forward.

 

Good luck,

B (a fWW)

I dont think I am obsessing at all.

[Bittersweetie]

I dont think I am obsessing at all.

 

OK, then delete my word "obsess" and read again.

[herself]

OK, then delete my word "obsess" and read again.

 

There are a few key advice type standard statements typically made on these forums:

-move on

-disclose affair to spouse

-get counseling

-several more...

And while those may have validity, I find them cookie cutter and I can barely respond to them without exploding right now.

People arent robots, they dont move on, heal, detach from love in the same manner or timeframe as others.

Right now its .05% comfort for me to relate and compare experience.

Yep, I've been rocked by the whole experience and many moments I am still in disbelief and guarenteed Id like to deny it but the heart likely is hoping but Im trying to suffocate those feelings. Its only been a few weeks. Let me grieve, process, heal, face things the way I can.

Im doing good. Im letting go...slowly..but I am.

I'm all for constructive help but I'm still an individual sorting through the pain and I know since you've reached the other side it seems so clear but Im still in the bands of the hurricane and finding my way.

I understand its frustrating for folks but please be patient..I'll get there... for sure.

[Bittersweetie]

There are a few key advice type standard statements typically made on these forums:

-move on

-disclose affair to spouse

-get counseling

-several more...

And while those may have validity, I find them cookie cutter and I can barely respond to them without exploding right now.

People arent robots, they dont move on, heal, detach from love in the same manner or timeframe as others.

Right now its .05% comfort for me to relate and compare experience.

Yep, I've been rocked by the whole experience and many moments I am still in disbelief and guarenteed Id like to deny it but the heart likely is hoping but Im trying to suffocate those feelings. Its only been a few weeks. Let me grieve, process, heal, face things the way I can.

Im doing good. Im letting go...slowly..but I am.

I'm all for constructive help but I'm still an individual sorting through the pain and I know since you've reached the other side it seems so clear but Im still in the bands of the hurricane and finding my way.

I understand its frustrating for folks but please be patient..I'll get there... for sure.

 

Fair enough.

 

Maybe right now you're just not ready for some of the advice here, as "cookie cutter" as it may seem. That is okay. Hopefully someday when you are ready you can re-read some of the posts and they will speak to you in a different way.

 

I am on the other side...but I do remember clearly the times I could not stop wondering about xOM and things he said and did, and thinking about our time together. Looking back, I wish that I had realized how much those thoughts held me back from healing and moving forward. I apologize for trying to save you some of that pain.

 

B

[herself]

Fair enough.

 

Maybe right now you're just not ready for some of the advice here, as "cookie cutter" as it may seem. That is okay. Hopefully someday when you are ready you can re-read some of the posts and they will speak to you in a different way.

 

I am on the other side...but I do remember clearly the times I could not stop wondering about xOM and things he said and did, and thinking about our time together. Looking back, I wish that I had realized how much those thoughts held me back from healing and moving forward. I apologize for trying to save you some of that pain.

 

B

But I didn't attack you?

And I appreciate some of the advice however you did go through those thoughts and tears and thats where I am and I am ready for change Im just not in a place of indifference yet and its tough to hear stop it when ALL you want to do is stop it but your still reeling and spinning.

I really just need a hug which sounds also tacky whiney and cliche. I want to be you. Trust me I do. Tough love isnt my speed at the moment it doesn't work on everyone.

[jellybean89]

(((((Hug)))))

 

Your pain is very easy to "see".

 

People care about you - that's why they respond. It isn't cookie cutter or same old, same old....people took the time to share experienced and want to help you to the next step. None of what I have read TO you has been snarky, but some of your responses have been very defensive...and we need to remember you are hurting....but we also are 'hurting' for your spouse, who is innocent in all this.

 

So (((hug))) and as trite and "cookie cutter" as it may sound, I hope tomorrow the pain is a little more bearable.

[herself]

I dont know how to say or explain this in a way people wouldn't poke holes in or try to arrange into their standards of what marriage should be.

I date my husband, we dont have kids so we spend all of our free time diing some activity, working out together having sex or really anything and everything.

This other guy...he was my friend only.

We grew close over the years and came to love eachother. But not one thing changed for my husband...I didn't pull away, sneak off for rendevous, conspire to leave him or bad mouth him.

I compartmentalized to the utmost degree. But I still text, call, date, cook for and was emotionally and physically the same to my spouse.

I was wrong in believing it was a friendship with shared benefits but I could or he could walk away...no...people get emotionaly involved and the hurt runs deeper than I knew it could. I didn't know.

I was wrong to let my feelings get involved. But the reality is I could have gone further, had a PA, advanced things...I really simply loved two people. No one could hold a candle to my husband so it wasnt love in the same way...I just had a crush long back...before marriage...and it surfaced mutually after marriage and that sucks, its wrong, but no less real.

But life and feelings and emotions and love arent perfect. People are flawed or this site wouldn't exist.

But if a person is open and accepted their mistakes and recovering from a broken heart and trying to get past this chapter...what good is the constant lynching and witch hunt or continued emphasising the deceit of spouse...if yoyr a cheater as I was..you know this...ir hurts you and most dont set out to decieve.

Yes a spouse was disrespected but he wasn't lacking love and attention ...I wasn't having "girls night out" while meeting him at a hotel...I never even got a kiss.

Edited September 23, 2014 by herself

[MuddyFootprints]

I know you aren't feeling the tough love.

 

You need it.

 

That kiss you never even got? It would have been a kiss of death.

 

Somewhere inside of you you know that.

[JustJoe]

There are a few key advice type standard statements typically made on these forums:

-move on

-disclose affair to spouse

-get counseling

-several more...

And while those may have validity, I find them cookie cutter and I can barely respond to them without exploding right now.

People arent robots, they dont move on, heal, detach from love in the same manner or timeframe as others.

Right now its .05% comfort for me to relate and compare experience.

Yep, I've been rocked by the whole experience and many moments I am still in disbelief and guarenteed Id like to deny it but the heart likely is hoping but Im trying to suffocate those feelings. Its only been a few weeks. Let me grieve, process, heal, face things the way I can.

Im doing good. Im letting go...slowly..but I am.

I'm all for constructive help but I'm still an individual sorting through the pain and I know since you've reached the other side it seems so clear but Im still in the bands of the hurricane and finding my way.

I understand its frustrating for folks but please be patient..I'll get there... for sure.

The reason that these pieces of advice are so common, is that they work. I think that you should try looking at them from a different perspective. Instead of viewing them as "cookie cutter", view them as tools. How and when to USE them is entirely up to you, and your situation or "job".. An example is: A hammer might not be the tool you need right now, but don't throw it away, you might need it later on. So I wouldn't reject them out of hand.

[JustJoe]

I dont know how to say or explain this in a way people wouldn't poke holes in or try to arrange into their standards of what marriage should be.

I date my husband, we dont have kids so we spend all of our free time diing some activity, working out together having sex or really anything and everything.

This other guy...he was my friend only.

We grew close over the years and came to love eachother. But not one thing changed for my husband...I didn't pull away, sneak off for rendevous, conspire to leave him or bad mouth him.

I compartmentalized to the utmost degree. But I still text, call, date, cook for and was emotionally and physically the same to my spouse.

I was wrong in believing it was a friendship with shared benefits but I could or he could walk away...no...people get emotionaly involved and the hurt runs deeper than I knew it could. I didn't know.

I was wrong to let my feelings get involved. But the reality is I could have gone further, had a PA, advanced things...I really simply loved two people. No one could hold a candle to my husband so it wasnt love in the same way...I just had a crush long back...before marriage...and it surfaced mutually after marriage and that sucks, its wrong, but no less real.

But life and feelings and emotions and love arent perfect. People are flawed or this site wouldn't exist.

But if a person is open and accepted their mistakes and recovering from a broken heart and trying to get past this chapter...what good is the constant lynching and witch hunt or continued emphasising the deceit of spouse...if yoyr a cheater as I was..you know this...ir hurts you and most dont set out to decieve.

Yes a spouse was disrespected but he wasn't lacking love and attention ...I wasn't having "girls night out" while meeting him at a hotel...I never even got a kiss.

So, you justify continued deceit because it could have been worse? Is this really a mature attitude to take? The only reason people emphasize the deceit, is because it is continuing. BTW, I don't believe in "tough love" I believe in straightforward honesty, which I am giving you. Nothing we are saying, you haven't heard before, but that doesn't mean it has no value in the saying. I sincerely want you to heal, and make your marriage better. To get over the hurt, and repair your self image. So, If we don't say what you want to hear, now. Keep it in mind, you may want to hear it later. Edited September 23, 2014 by JustJoe

[JustJoe]

BTW, I am a very nice person.

[neverdonethisbefore]

I am so sorry you are hurting. I understand your pain. I have no advice to offer however because I am in a very similar place to you and I have no idea how to get over it.

 

I just hope it helps to know that you aren't alone and that I appreciate the advice and support you've given me.