Guys can you give me some advice on this situation?

[Maggie42]

Me and my fiance have been dating for a couple of years. He has a 14 yr. old son and I have a 13 yr. old son. I've raised my son as a single mother and he's raised his son as a single father. We are drastically different when it comes to discipline, morals, etc.

 

My fiance was raised by his dad from age 13 to adulthood. His mother left his father and was absent from their lives for over 7 years - no contact whatsover. He's reconciled with him mom and he is 47 years old now. When he was a teenager his father was never around - he pretty much raised himself and ran the streets at all hours - never had his mother around, etc.

 

I was raised in a good family with caring parents - strong morals were instilled in me and I am a fairly strict parent but my son is well adjusted, makes good grades and is a good kid. My fiance's son witnessed a horrible divorce when my fiance and his exwife split. It was a nasty split. Fiance got custody of his son and raises him alone.

 

My fiance has allowed his son to pretty much do what he wants. His son is sneaky, devious and isn't doing well in school - he's just a rough kid who has no manners or morals.

 

Here's my dilemma. We argue constantly over how we raise our boys. Recently we spent the night at their house and my son told me he was up most of the night because my fiance's son was watching the "Girl's Gone Wild" commercials at 3:00 am masturbating to them under the covers. My son hangs out with him when we stay over and sleeps on the floor.

 

I mentioned this to my fiance and he immediately told me my son was lying and making it up - that he didn't want to hear about his son doing something like that. He said boys will be boys and that's normal for them to do things like that in front of each other.

 

I know masturbation is totally normal for boys this age - but is it normal that his son would do this in front of my son? Also, my fiance used to leave his porn magazine in his bathroom and his son found it and would go and lock himself in his dad's bathroom and jack off. Then he'd tell my son about the magazine (girls using dildos, etc.).

 

My son came to me and told me this and I found the magazine and thought it was totally innappropriate for my fiance to leave this around available for his son and my son to look at. It wasn't a Playboy - it was a Swank. I also felt my fiance wasn't being a decent role model to the boys but his excuse is "boys will be boys and they're gonna look at this stuff".

 

Well yea but did he have to provide it to them? My fiance also leaves his jackoff lotion lying around (KY Jelly) and the boys crack jokes about it. They were in his bedroom and he had it lying on his dresser and they saw it. My son and I are very close - we talk about alot and my fiance gets so angry that my son tells me what he and his son do when they are together.

 

He doesn't understand me and my son's relationship - we're very close (his father died when he was a baby) and my son is able to talk to me about everything (to a certain extent - of course not EVERYTHING). My fiance gets so upset when I come to him and say "The boys were looking at your magazine and cracking jokes about your jack off gel". I told him about his son staying up all night watching the Girls Gone Wild commercials and jacking off under the covers and he got irate and said my son was a liar that his son wouldn't do that....

 

I've had a problem lately because when we stay over at their house his son waits for us to go to bed and then gets up and does things that scare me. He goes into the garage and spray paints things and gets high on the spray paint or he'll get his dad's cordless drill and make things. I don't like this going on at 3:00 a.m in the morning and I asked my fiance to be more of an authority figure and crack the whip on his son and make sure they behave. He at first claimed they weren't doing anything wrong but I told him I would stop staying over on the weekends if he didn't take a stand and find out what they were doing at 3:00 a.m. I have to be the one to get up every hour and go check on them. When I catch them doing something I tell my fiance and he just laughs and shrugs it off as "boys will be boys".

 

We in a huge fight right now because he thinks it's weird that me and my son talk about everything and he got irate that my son told me his son was jacking off to Girls Gone Wild commercials. I told him in jest - and kiddingly said "Like father like son" - he got furious. I have refused to marry him in the past because of these issues - he doesn't seem to be a take charge father and it concerns me with the boys. I think as parents we should be able to discuss what they do and what's appropriate and what's out of line. He just never seems to want to parent his son - it takes too much effort to stay on top of what they're doing. Whereas I'm gonna damn sure stay on top of what my son is doing and if I don't like what he's doing - I'll put a stop to it.

 

Boys look at girls, masturbate, etc. - but is it normal for his son to do this in front of my son? My son thinks masturbation should be private and not done in front of friends. I don't know - I don't have a father to ask and my husband passed away so I'm not sure about this. My fiance's mindset is that he treats his son more as a fraternity room mate rather than a father/son relationship. At age 10 he started taking his son to Hooters for each birthday and I think he urges his son to be sexualized early. He buys him girlie calendars and thinks it's cute when he hears he found his Swank magazine. He just laughs.

 

I asked my fiance to hide his nasty magazines so MY son wouldn't have access to them. I think Swank is a bit much for a teenage boy to have access to thru his future stepdad and stepbrother (if I marry him - at this point I'm questioning it!). Please know I'm not a prude - I just want my son to have morals. He laughs about my fiance and his son and says all they do is jack off and want to look at trashy girls.

 

I am concerned about my fiance being a decent role model as a father. I cannot marry him unless I feel like he'll instill good morals in the boys and be more of a authority figure. He sits back and lets his son do whatever he wants. He steals, lies and is always trying to do things behind his dad's back. My fiance is clueless and yells at me when I tell him what they boys do late at night. He says my son is a liar and his son would never jack off like that.

 

Yet he jacks off all the time to his porn magazines so his son is learning from him. What's right and what's wrong here - do fathers and boys do this - am I just not aware that this is a typical boys will be boys mentality among boys and fathers?

 

If I'm wrong I'll gladly back off of my fiance and learn to accept this behavior and consider it typical but my son is not obsessed with sex and jacking off like his son is. My son isn't an angel and he is a typical teenager who likes girls and is curious but he knows that some things should be done privately!

 

Any advice? Am I in the dark about what boys and men do? If so please fill me in.

[d'Arthez]

If you marry your fiance it would become a complete disaster.

 

The reason is simple, as you both have almost opposite morals, your kids could always hide behind your fiance, for whatever they do. Even assuming that both kids get treated equally, you can't turn his son into a model to your image, and your son would be heavily influenced by his son, in ways you don't like. You'd almost be fighting for a lost cause

 

Concerning the sex-issue, you seem to have differences in values too. No not every father is as your fiance. That issue does not make him a bad father, but one that is not too compatible with you. Not every teenage boy lets himself be ruled by his animalistic spirit, and if your son is not, let him remain that way.

 

Discipline is important, especially if the behavior of your kids is out of control. 3.00 AM doing things in the garage is something that should not happen, and his lax attitude (you had to threaten to not come over again!) is not what you would have desired.

 

In short, if you would marry him, you'd become an "evil stepmother" to his son, and I don't think his son will have a very positive influence on your son, nor on your relationship with your son.

[Israfil]

Based on what you have posted, I agree with d'Art - this is a recipe for disaster.

 

Is it not possible to wait to marry until the sons are out of the respective houses? That way, when you do live together, child rearing will not be an issue (if that is indeed the only deal-breaker). And really, that is only 5 years away - not so long.

 

I also feel that exposing your son to that kind of environment is not fair on him. As a child, I don't think he should have to sacrifice his happiness and wellbeing for yours. Is it possible to curb the nights spent at your fiancee's place?

 

Overall, I do not feel like the relationship with your fiancee is doomed. However, I think it will create an absolute disaster for your son (who should be your primary consideration) if you two marry and move in together.

 

An aside: Why do you want to marry this man if your ideals / morals are so contrary?

[Maggie42]

Thank you so much for your replies - it helps knowing I'm on the right track trying to raise my son with decent morals and values. I think right now postponing marriage is the best thing for me to do since I do not feel comfortable with what has been going on. I am also going to cut out spending the weekends at their house - we'll visit but we won't stay over.

 

My fiance has made me feel like I'm an overbearing mother who doesn't understand that boys will be boys. Regardless I think he allows inappropriate behavior because he does the same thing himself. He seems to think it's fine for his son to look at porn and do whatever. I think that it sets a bad example as a father.

 

Or maybe I'm wrong - dad's encourage this in their sons - it's part of becoming a man? I don't care if my fiance looks at porn - as long as it's done in private and it's not thrown in my face or affects our relationship - he can knock himself out for all I care. I just don't want my son having access to it - he'll see enough when he gets older.

 

The problem is my fiance is telling me my son shouldn't be coming to me telling me what his son is doing. And I need to realize boys will be boys and to leave them alone. His attitude is his son does no wrong and I'm an overbearing mother.

 

So at this point I will have to postpone getting married and I totally agree with the idea of waiting until the boys are grown. I would prefer to raise my son by myself - I'm doing a great job so far - I don't want to scar him or ruin him. He comes first and always will.

 

Thanks for your replies and anyone else who wants to throw in their two cents!

[Ladyjane14]

I agree with the other posters. The differences in your child-rearing beliefs is just too great. And my stance is similar to yours, btw. I don't agree with asking a child to keep secrets. I don't agree with giving them access to materials which are not age-appropriate. He'd have to be 18 to buy that magazine for himself. At 14, porn of that nature is likely to warp a boy's internal image of what loving relationships with women ought to be.

 

I wouldn't wait to marry him when the boys are grown. I wouldn't marry him at all. He'll never truly respect your love for your child...and your child will hopefully still be a part of your life even after he is grown and leaves home. Unfortunately, so would his child.

 

Then there's the disrespect for your opinions. That's a deal-breaker in my book. The man thinks he knows better that you do, and he'll never stop with just the one issue. He's always going to bulldoze his opinion over yours.

 

You can probably do better. Dump him. Give yourself an opportunity to find a man who respects you. Your fiance isn't the last man on earth, and if he was.....I'd still throw him back!

[illumina]

I agree with the last poster. Quite apart from the difference in your morals, it's the lack of concern for your opinion that bothers me. If he can't even try and understand that these things affect and bother you, he's not worth it. Differences of opinion happen. There shouldn't be a difference in respect for those opinions.

[Karlise13]

There are some statistics on second marriages and why they end. Let me know if you want the link to the site.

 

Anyway, about 60% of second marriage fail and the PRIMARY reason is difficulties inherent with blending families and agreeing on how to parent each others' kids.

 

This does sound like a brewing disaster. I think waiting until the kids are self-sufficient is wise.