Chiaroscuro Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 My boyfriend of 2 years and I recently split. We had been discussing getting married, and we couldn't agree on how many kids to have. I definitely want one and probably a second. He wants no more than one. It seemed like we couldn't get past this issue, so we sadly decided to go our separate ways. Neither of us are perfect people, but we had what we both agreed was a happy and fulfilling relationship. The last few months were stressful due to work schedules that left us little time to see each other. We discussed the issue of kids for maybe 2-3 hours tops before deciding that this was an issue worth ending our relationship. In retrospect, I wonder if we were too hasty in calling it quits. Is it worth getting back in touch with him to see if with more talk, we can work things out? Or did we dodge a bullet and should we both just move on? Link to post Share on other sites
SunnySide0418 Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 My boyfriend of 2 years and I recently split. We had been discussing getting married, and we couldn't agree on how many kids to have. I definitely want one and probably a second. He wants no more than one. It seemed like we couldn't get past this issue, so we sadly decided to go our separate ways. Neither of us are perfect people, but we had what we both agreed was a happy and fulfilling relationship. The last few months were stressful due to work schedules that left us little time to see each other. We discussed the issue of kids for maybe 2-3 hours tops before deciding that this was an issue worth ending our relationship. In retrospect, I wonder if we were too hasty in calling it quits. Is it worth getting back in touch with him to see if with more talk, we can work things out? Or did we dodge a bullet and should we both just move on? I think you were definitely too hasty. The way you describe your relationship soumds like a business relationship. No mention of love and I sense no passion towards him. Am I wrong? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mascara Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 I can understand someone not wanting kids altogether, but to break up over number of kids seems unfortunate. What if you had twins? I don't believe anyone should plan to have more children than they want though, so I think that's going to have to be you that either backs down or moves on 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 you ended a relationship over the difference of one child...that seems a bit quick triggered.. At least you both agree that you at the very least want one.. Life has a way of making some decisions for you as well..who knows if when you go to have kids that you will be able to have more than one. If you both love each other and agree that you want to have kids then why not let nature take it from there..it isn't like you want 6 and he none... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 Being on the same page about kids is important. Somebody was probably going to end up unhappy. I suppose more discussion couldn't hurt but you can't stay together if this won't be resolved. Why does he only want one? As an only I have always said don't do that to somebody by choice. If God only gives you one child, that is one thing but it's a lonely childhood & now that my parents are gone, it's incredibly isolating. As much as I love my husband I felt disconnected from the world for several years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chiaroscuro Posted September 16, 2014 Author Share Posted September 16, 2014 (edited) I think you were definitely too hasty. The way you describe your relationship soumds like a business relationship. No mention of love and I sense no passion towards him. Am I wrong? I didn't mention either love or passion because it wasn't lack of those that made us decide to separate. Isn't it true that relationships tend to founder on the rocks of practicality rather than romance? As for your comments, Mascara, Art_Critic, d0nnivain, a little more background is in order. My ex remembers a tough childhood where his parents didn't have enough time, energy, or money for the four children they had, so for him, it's really important not to have more children than he can support emotionally or financially. He's also in his mid-thirties at this point, and the way we were thinking of things, we probably wouldn't have our first child until he's in his early forties. I think he doesn't want to be dealing with toddlers and diapers and overall dependency into his sixties, and I can't say I blame him. He doesn't think he'll have the energy for more than one. As for myself, I'm younger than he is and I hope my career will take off in the next few years, so I feel like time and money and energy aren't an issue for me. When I was younger, the older brother of a close friend of mine died, and ever since then, I've thought that one kid isn't enough. My way of thinking is that having two kids lessens the risk that something catastrophic will leave us bereft, and also ensures that after we're gone, our kids won't be alone in the world. Edited September 16, 2014 by Chiaroscuro 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 He's also in his mid-thirties at this point, and the way we were thinking of things, we probably wouldn't have our first child until he's in his early forties. I think he doesn't want to be dealing with toddlers and diapers and overall dependency into his sixties, and I can't say I blame him. He doesn't think he'll have the energy for more than one. I can dig it.. I was almost 45 when my only son was born.. so I get it... My wife wanted more as she is a little younger but honestly when we talked I think I won.. age over looks With me it wasn't the whole diaper thing but just the energy deal.. it's tough at 51 to muster up the energy after working 12 hours to play with the little guy when I get home.. I do it of course but it is tough... my knees hurt You could start younger.. late 30's or just live with the idea that one child is all that you both might have.. twins could also be in your future.. it was for my brother who had a boy and girl set of twins. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 you can't always plan the best case scenario either.. there is nothing wrong with having an only child.. there are as many positives as negatives for that. Don't think they are lonely.. lonely is the last thing my 6 year old is, we put him in church daycare/mommy morning out at 18 months for socialization, even though my wife is a SAHM he needed to be around buds... Today at 6 he has more friends than he knows what to do with.. I have seen as many as 7 kids from the neighborhood in his playroom on the weekends... He makes friends super easy and is funny like his Dad so everybody like to be around him 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 I can dig it.. I was almost 45 when my only son was born.. so I get it... My wife wanted more as she is a little younger but honestly when we talked I think I won.. age over looks With me it wasn't the whole diaper thing but just the energy deal.. it's tough at 51 to muster up the energy after working 12 hours to play with the little guy when I get home.. I do it of course but it is tough... my knees hurt You could start younger.. late 30's or just live with the idea that one child is all that you both might have.. twins could also be in your future.. it was for my brother who had a boy and girl set of twins. Sorry (a bit) to thread jack here, but nobody wants that awkward moment, "Hey, how old is your grandson..." then you get to say "actually he's my son.." Anyway, I hope you and your fiance can sit and talk again. It would be a real shame to walk away from a good life together over a decision to have one or two kids. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 Wasn't able to have children but, reading, I'd suggest reconsidering *and* re-prioritizing work and personal life to a satisfying and balanced state. Remember, everything in life is a choice. Sure, life throws things at us but we choose how to go. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 How old are you both? Unless you both are in your 30's, there is a chance one or both of you may change your minds. Unless you are planning to have kids in the near future, I would enjoy the now. My husband and I originally wanted 3 kids, but I have no idea how I will feel after one or two kids. I may just want to finish at 2 and he understood my feelings and agreed 2 would be fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 Cross that bridge when it is necessary. You are both automatically assuming things that may or may not come true. A solid relationship maintains itself by going thru challenges together. It sounds like you both found an easy out to end it. So in that sense yes its best to part ways. None of us can predict the future and plan it with precision...Life doesn't work that way....Life does have a tendency to get in the way of the best laid plans... Just hate to see two loving adults be divided on something that can bring such joy. Link to post Share on other sites
devilish innocent Posted September 21, 2014 Share Posted September 21, 2014 If it's just the number of kids that's causing an issue, then I don't think that's a reason to breakup. Most parents I know say their outlook on how many children they wanted completely changed after they started having them. You won't really know how many children you want until after you've had the first one. Also, if your career is just about to start, then that may change your outlook on having children as well. I used to be one of those women who was sure I would want children until I started working professional jobs. Then I realized I preferred to have personal time for myself outside of work hours. I've heard similar stories regarding other women as well. I would wait until you're closer to the point of having children and then see how you feel. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted September 21, 2014 Share Posted September 21, 2014 Why does he only want one? As an only I have always said don't do that to somebody by choice. Well that's funny. Because as someone with siblings I would say don't do that to a child. There are lots of difficult sibling relationships too. My way of thinking is that having two kids lessens the risk that something catastrophic will leave us bereft, and also ensures that after we're gone, our kids won't be alone in the world. There is no guarantee that those siblings will want anything to do with one another, or both grow into sane and healthy individuals. Being alone in the world - either you if you lose a child, or a sibling if they lose their sibling - has less to do with the existence of children and siblings than it does with social skills and the ability to connect to other humans and make friends. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LostInTheWild Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 I think this was going to end anyway. It seems trivial to break up over something like this when circumstances can change so dramatically. I mean if he didn't want ANY, that would be different. I have a friend whose husband did not want a second child. They had an accident. He's still a little wrinkly baby and I think the dad is going to pull through fine. You can work through anything if you love each other enough. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 IMHO if you were both willing to call it quits, then that is what was meant to be. .......regardless of the reason and regardless if other people think it was a valid reason or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts