Learning Experience?

[curly]

During a thread earlier this week, I can upon some insights and realized that I had learned from this horrible, maddening, wonderful, heartwrenching (enough superlatives?) experience. I learned a lot about men, especially married, from this forum. What they like, dislike, want, run to, run from, etc. No man is alike but they have some very similar traits.

 

It's surprising that I've lived for 30+ years and am justing learning all this now. But.....

 

So, I've learned that comfort is the motivating factor in life. Food, companionship, shelter... that all equals comfort. And the W equals a comfort level. I believe that the divorce factor is very high because people (men & women) choose to marry someone they are comfortable with although may not completely love. They marry because it is the time to do it, all their friends are getting married, it's time to start a family, etc. But then they realize that they made a mistake in choosing this person. This spouse does not satisfy them and they want out. That's how divorce happens.

 

However, in the situation of the A, the unhappy spouse is not capable of cutting out on their own. They want a cushion to fall back on, a safety net. So, he/she looks for something outside the marriage. Once that occurs, a pattern is established. An affair starts, maybe it's a one night stand, or longer. Maybe there's only one or many. Doesn't really matter. In the MM/MW mind, the stage is set for the marriage to survive with outside help. I remember when MM & I started, I was seeing someone. The relationship was not working very well but the beginning of A breathed new life. I was horny all the time. I can only imagine (although it kills me to contemplate it) that MM was the same way. I've read around and it seems that is the first sign of an affair.

 

Anyway, it seems those of us here on this forum are the norm for these types of relationships. The OW/OM gets the short end of the stick because the MM/MW has established that they don't necessarily need to leave the marriage to be happy again. If they can just keep their little secret a secret, things will be honky dorry.

 

Sounds simple, but follow me....

 

Anyway, anyone else have some insights they would like to share? These experiences we've had make us a community of sorts (sad, but true...) and we should be able to share some wisdom with each other. At least then there's some positive to come out of this.

[StrawberryGirl]

When My MM left to go back to wifey, there were a few things that factored in but my best friend told me that he went back to his comfort zone!!! I was really sad to see him go but I knew there was nothing I could do about it. One thing my best friend told me was the problems that him and his wife had when he left were still there and would be there. His wife used the "i've changed" on him alot. I think he wanted to leave for good, but WE together had so much unestablished. So I think he went back to old baggage..lol

 

I think his son was a big factor!

[lynnered]

i do agree with the comfort thing ,

the first time me &xx were intimate actually he told me I'm not leaving I'm not happy but I'm comfortable,

i think it has to do with settling as well ,

he was with he 5years not M yet ,he was afraid to leave fears of being alone she gets preg ,just as he's feeling ready to leave,dumb@ss marries her,

he actually told me 1x the whole time he was with her he was always hopeing she would change WTF,

but he also felt he made his bed ,he must lie in it ,

as with curly his child is a MAJOR factor,

1 or 2years into A when i was leaving because this relationship has no future he tells me he will leave one day ,

we didn't talk about home life alot but the things we did discuss its not a healthy situation at all,

i don't even care if he leaves &has nothing to do with me ,i think a m/w that ends a relationship should only leave because its not working out not because of a OP,

but to be that unhappy?he's a nice thats getting screwed (actually not LOL)

part of reason i broke up to was ,

1 why rush to leave i am taking care of his sexual ,companion&communication needs ,

2 i felt like i was keeping the marriage working because i made him happy let him deal with that alone ,and see things in a different light

 

its been 6 weeks since nc from a 4year A

31/2 weeks he did not bother me ,i told him do not call or visit until you get legally separated,

he emails & ims(LOL)guess i wasn't specific enough anyway,

he is going nuts!!!i

its kind of funny ,sweet &annoying all rolled up into one.

and i don't agree with newness in my situation anyway ,we were friends 2 years A almost 4year &we talked almost everyday almost 2 hours ,

he's actually better after first 2 years

he didn't tell me he loved me until after 1 1/2-2 years ,

so with us friendship 1st things slowly progressed ,

he wasn't M when we were just friends A actually start prob not too long maybe 6 months after M,

he tried i don't know too many details I'm leaving out!!!

any questions ask i love these discussions we have !!

i mean nobody else knows of A so it sucks u cant discuss all this & sorry i ramble.

[kkat]

I agree completely.

 

I can tell you that of all the reasons my ex-MM went back to wife and family after our first relationship, and the reasons that he never left them during our recent affair, COMFORT and SECURITY were top of the list. He states that at his age, he can't realistically start over financially and that he would lose everything he has from an asset and financial security perspective. His children were a HUGE factor as well - very much so when they were younger and even now. He needed to feel comfortable and secure and he knew that the easiest way to have that was to stay in his marriage.

[lynnered]

just from some words from XMM was talking to him on IM last night

 

im just really scared 2 leave, but 1ce i do need u

gonna need ur support at first

my heart tells me ur the 1 for me

she gets mad cus she says i always look at myself in the mirror, and not at her, lol

she said somethings wrong w/ me

she hates that i work out

the way she treas me makes me hate her, even if she was pam anderson, the way im treated would make me still hate her

the way u r is alot 2 do w/ it even if u were ugly n fat, its ur personalty

im gonna file 4 full custody, but wont get it

she said if she caught me cheatin she cut my d**k off or kill me

 

he says he's leaving ,i hope!!

but not holding my breath &he's also scared when he leaves ,

ill end up breaking up with him

he has done nothing to start process yet ,

but i don't know i hope for the best &plan for the worst!!

[newby]

wow lynnered!

just dont get sucked back in, let him leave first!!

 

well i'm sure the comfort thing is definetly a factor, i mean its so cosy and easy in alot of ways.

also i think men identify alot with their "role". they like to think of themselves as the provider, the protector the hero. they dont want to be the man that left his family to fend for themselves. that just wouldnt do good for their ego.

then when they arent being admired by their wives anymore or arent satisfied anymore they look for that outside but they still dont want to let go of their role. they just want another role too "sex god" or something!!

if a woman leaves the h she still gets to play alot of her role as the mother and homekeeper, but if a man leaves he is no longer protecting his family even if he provides financially. and even it would be much harder to provide financially, he would lose respect from his children as he would be leaving their home, leaving their poor mother to look after them alone. it is too much for a man to deal with.

even if their are no children i think if a man gets married he sees himself as protector of his wife.

in this day and age makes no difference i think some things are instinctive and not socially conditioned, or we are not evolved enough yet in equality.

[CaughtUp]

I think that part of the reason my MM would stay with his W is that He thinks that I LOOK like baggage to his family and he is very much the "poster child" in the family and he would be afraid of the respect he would lose in their eyes. And with the situation he would have to admit (I believe) that he lied to them before about us even having an affair. Basically he would have to admit that he isn't perfect.

 

1. I have an exH who already cause trouble for them

2. I have an exbf who caused trouble for him

3. I have 3 kids (never mind he has two)

4. We are different races

 

Now I'm just guessing at this because I have no proof of any of this its just an observation. I analyze everything...I do mean everything.

[lynnered]

just don't get sucked back in, let him leave first!!

 

newby

i know its really tempting!! but i know whatever the outcome will be i will prolong it if i give in i know what he wants(lol)

and I'm not giving it up

i told him once you get separated

we will go from there

[newby]

you are great lynnered!

it must be so tempting but you have the power now, you dont wanna give it back to him. this is where you get to leave in the best way possible, with him begging you. either way you win. if he leaves her, if he doesnt at least you get your respect.

i wish my mm was the same but no, he hates me now. i dont think i played that one very well. mind you what does it matter at the end of the day, its just made me more determined to get on with my life and really make the best of it.