Alwaysme01 Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 (edited) Hi Everyone...first time i have gotten involved...i have visted site a few times, read alot took some great advice from here but i guess its time i asked myself. Bascially I have been involved with a MM for about 2 yrs... we went 9 months NC... He is now seperated for about 5 months but W does not know he has been having an affair with with me...W thinks he has feelings only for me...the door is not close on their marriage & he can walk back in anytime he wants... he still loves her too He has gone back to marriage a few times in the 5 months but by doing this he knows he loses me...so he jumps back out & comes running with Im sorry... im conflicted... i dont know what to do. Currently W is away on work business... he was a bit off with me...i think he feels that he is missing out...so I questioned him... he sut down...he has now asked for space... cos he is conflicted he doesnt know what he wants... im in 2 minds if the space is for him to go back to W and keep me as an option just incase...or if he is really going to resolve it What will i do...i do love him but i dont want to be a just in case Edited September 15, 2014 by Alwaysme01 Link to post Share on other sites
GettingOver Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 Space is not an excuse, I used t think so, but not any longer. If a person has no idea how to proceed ,better do nothing and take a deep breath. My xMM needed space cause he did not know what he wanted, I pushed and of course he did not leave cause he was not ready to make any decisions, and picked the safest option in the situation of not knowing - to stay M. I tried to start a new R with a single man but in 3 month we both realized that we BOTH needed space becaue of heave emotional baggage and having jumped into R way too early after a previous one - in my vase with xMM. It's difficult when one partner needs space and the other needs the opposite. It is not necesserely that he wants to keep you as a back up. Probably he is really lost and is not in a position to deside anything. I would recomend to leave him alone... Otherwise he will go back and force till the end of time.... Link to post Share on other sites
pixiecut Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 Hi Everyone...first time i have gotten involved...i have visted site a few times, read alot took some great advice from here but i guess its time i asked myself. Bascially I have been involved with a MM for about 2 yrs... we went 9 months NC... He is now seperated for about 5 months but W does not know he has been having an affair with with me...W thinks he has feelings only for me...the door is not close on their marriage & he can walk back in anytime he wants... he still loves her too He has gone back to marriage a few times in the 5 months but by doing this he knows he loses me...so he jumps back out & comes running with Im sorry... im conflicted... i dont know what to do. Currently W is away on work business... he was a bit off with me...i think he feels that he is missing out...so I questioned him... he sut down...he has now asked for space... cos he is conflicted he doesnt know what he wants... im in 2 minds if the space is for him to go back to W and keep me as an option just incase...or if he is really going to resolve it What will i do...i do love him but i dont want to be a just in case without getting too technical, end it completely and tell him to find you once he is actually divorced. trust me, that is the only alternative to being his back up option for years to come. he may know that he is losing you if he does not stop flip flopping, but to actually lose you will help him clarify one way or another. in the meanwhile move on, he has to know that you are not waiting in the shadows for him to come back to when he feels conflicted, this is a never ending cycle. he cannot make a decision. you have to and believe me i know how hard it is. it will hurt you will miss him and wonder and obsess. but stick to ending it. as long as you remain available to him, he will continue flip plopping. think about yourself, in isolation from him. I am really sorry for what you are going through, it is excruciating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pixiecut Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 Hi Everyone...first time i have gotten involved...i have visted site a few times, read alot took some great advice from here but i guess its time i asked myself. Bascially I have been involved with a MM for about 2 yrs... we went 9 months NC... He is now seperated for about 5 months but W does not know he has been having an affair with with me...W thinks he has feelings only for me...the door is not close on their marriage & he can walk back in anytime he wants... he still loves her too He has gone back to marriage a few times in the 5 months but by doing this he knows he loses me...so he jumps back out & comes running with Im sorry... im conflicted... i dont know what to do. Currently W is away on work business... he was a bit off with me...i think he feels that he is missing out...so I questioned him... he sut down...he has now asked for space... cos he is conflicted he doesnt know what he wants... im in 2 minds if the space is for him to go back to W and keep me as an option just incase...or if he is really going to resolve it What will i do...i do love him but i dont want to be a just in case p.s. in addition make sure he understands that if and when he does come to find you after divorce, you may no longer be available to him, because you are no longer planning your life on his schedule. you are ending it with no promise, hope or potential for the future. if he is not too late, great, but you are not waiting. and please mean it, if you are going to bluff do not bother. that will not change anything. move on with your life, actually, if he catches up that is wonderful, if not, then do you really have time to waste on something that is not going anywhere, nor gets resolved 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CaryAlston Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 (edited) Lady, sorry but you need to STAY AWAY. They can't make it work because you are a distraction. Put yourself in W's shoes: how would you feel if there's an interloper in your relationship/marriage? You yourself said he still loves her. That should clue you in. Why love someone who can't love you back 100%? Don't settle for him and don't be afraid. You can get over him. You just need to be brave and have faith that there's someone better out there for you. Edited September 15, 2014 by CaryAlston 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alwaysme01 Posted September 15, 2014 Author Share Posted September 15, 2014 I think i just got to walk away. I agreed to space, he thinks i will wait but i dont think i need to contact him to tell I him im not waiting. Im just going to go. Its fairer his way 5 Link to post Share on other sites
pixiecut Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 I think i just got to walk away. I agreed to space, he thinks i will wait but i dont think i need to contact him to tell I him im not waiting. Im just going to go. Its fairer his way you have to. also think about this, the only way you would have a real chance with this man is if his marriage falls apart on its own, for its own reasons, then there maybe a chance at something authentic with him. otherwise he leaves under pressure and you can never really be sure if he is with you by default or if this is something real on both ends. you deserve to be loved and partnered legitimately, not being somebody's default or soft landing. and if he reaches out to you confused with questions etc resist the urge to respond or explain. trust me he knows what is happening and why you disappeared. him reaching out is just an attempt at placating himself that you're still at arms reach and he doesn't have to own up to his actions/responsibilities/desires and actually make a decision one way or another. you are worth way more than being his bandaid. think about you and only you, what happens with him and his wife is his and her decision and business. take yourself out of this situation, you are only an extra that is enabling the hesitant party's fence riding. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alwaysme01 Posted September 15, 2014 Author Share Posted September 15, 2014 (edited) He has said that to me too. I am impatient and just want it to be one way or the other... end it and i can move on or come with. The uncertainity of space, its NC in space but my head rushes. This is the 2nd time space happened. I made contact since space started... i need to stop it!!! Get a bit of control on myself. Edited September 15, 2014 by Alwaysme01 Link to post Share on other sites
CaryAlston Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 (edited) Think about it, would you like to spend the rest of your life with a cheater? If he cheated on W, he will cheat on you, too. By cheating with you, he has shown his true colors: he is a selfish person who cannot be trusted. Stop loving him and start loving yourself more. You deserve better. Edited September 15, 2014 by CaryAlston 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovemesomehim Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 Hi Everyone...first time i have gotten involved...i have visted site a few times, read alot took some great advice from here but i guess its time i asked myself. Bascially I have been involved with a MM for about 2 yrs... we went 9 months NC... He is now seperated for about 5 months but W does not know he has been having an affair with with me...W thinks he has feelings only for me...the door is not close on their marriage & he can walk back in anytime he wants... he still loves her too You think his wife only thinks he has feelings for you? Why is that? You had to play a role in his life somewhere for him to have feelings for you, why wouldn't she think otherwise? Secondly, why would you be in a relationship with a male who has you on a string? He obviously loves his wife IF the door is still open for them to resume their marriage. He has gone back to marriage a few times in the 5 months but by doing this he knows he loses me...so he jumps back out & comes running with Im sorry... im conflicted... i dont know what to do. Huh? If he's going back and forth between the two of you its because you two allow it to happen and not because he thinks he loses you. If you want to be rid of this type of behavior from him, then you refuse to allow him to treat you this way. Currently W is away on work business... he was a bit off with me...i think he feels that he is missing out...so I questioned him... he sut down...he has now asked for space... cos he is conflicted he doesnt know what he wants... im in 2 minds if the space is for him to go back to W and keep me as an option just incase...or if he is really going to resolve it What will i do...i do love him but i dont want to be a just in case Do you want honesty? ....This man has treated you like the just in case. He jumps in his marriage at his convenience, goes back to you at his convenience. He's basically playing games with two women and he's enjoying it. Once you put your foot down and stop allowing him to mistreat you, he will move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alwaysme01 Posted September 15, 2014 Author Share Posted September 15, 2014 This is the harsh truth of it. I guess I didn't want to believe it. I trusted him when he said he loves me & believed he is a good person just in a bad situation. He has never had an A before. I'm a lot smarter than this and not a door mat by nature. This man had me wrapped, I allowed it too. I use to defend his actions but when it's in black & white it's easier to see it's not defendable! Link to post Share on other sites
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