8 years later... why?

[No Limit]

I find it interested that after 8 years the only person she had to reach out to was you. As if you would be her night in shining armor.

 

It's her pattern. When she was with OP, she went back to her ex who promised her the world. 8 years later and with nothing to lose, she tries this behavior again, hoping you'll be taking her back as readily as her ex who just wanted to screw her and push his ego to higher levels.

 

Remarkable that to this day this woman is as deluded as she was 8 years ago. I wonder what people would react like if there was some divine God showing them a replay of their whole life; and I really hope that her kids don't follow her down that path.

 

And you shouldn't either, OP. Shut people down whenever she is mentioned. Or tell them to help her get back to the dating market.

 

Oh, and by the way, not everyone is a cheater and liar. I'd sooner cut my own wrists than do that to anyone.

[Justaguy30]

I suppose I shouldn't say everyone but there are a lot of them out there. I suspect one day my recent ex will try that trick when all is lost in her life. Maybe not though, she is a trick.

[Sugarkane]

I always laugh at the ridiculousness of a dumper contacting YEARS later. What so her life didn't turn out well?! Not your fault!! She did all this willingly remember.

[RespectfullyAlone]

Yes she was the one who made those choices. It wasn't even something discussed beforehand, she simply sent an email and left the relationship and my life all those years ago. She never once ever contacted me again until now.

 

I still think she is sorry for not so much her choices, but the outcome of those choices. When she was happy and having kids with her husband, I doubt she ever remembered me. Why would she, she was happy in her life. But now that's all been taken away, quite clearly she's full of regret, but I think because she didn't get the outcome she wanted, that she was so sure was going to be there waiting for her in her future.

 

Whilst I do not hold any grudges towards now, I did in the past. I've learned the hard way over the years, the type of girls that need or want someone to come in and save them from themselves, bad relationships and so on, are not the girls you want as a life long partner. They don't stick around for very long, and are prone to making quick impulsive decisions about such important things as marriage and children. I would have devoted my life to this girl once upon a time in the past, but she never gave me a say in the matter. It was simply her decision, and I had to deal with the consequences and trying to put my life back together.

 

I still have not replied to her email, but can't shake the feeling that no matter what she did to me in the past, I am being rude for not at least acknowledging her apology. So I will send a small one or two sentence reply. Maybe something along the lines of...?

 

Hi XXX. Thank you for your email and apology. I do not hold any grudges or ill feelings towards you. What happened was so long ago now. I am sad to hear about your situation however and I know with children involved it makes things that much harder. With time, things will get better even if you don't feel that way now. I wish you all the best now and for the future.

 

I honestly can't think of anything else to say. I really do feel sorry for the situation this girl is in, even if her own choices led her down that path. I take no comfort in her suffering.

 

Is that an ok thing to write? I've never been in a situation like this before so honestly have no idea what to say.

[RespectfullyAlone]

People change when they make mistakes that said, it's not rude at all to not reply.

 

If you don't want to look back, focus on YOU not her.

 

If you only see ugliness out of this just drop it like a bad habit. You deserve better and I say you should probably look for a woman similar to the one on these forums who understands and has been through a GiG situation such as yourself. Someday I will look for that guy too but I'm still too torn up about it to move on.

 

With due time.

 

I smiled when I read this because I have felt exactly like this during these past few years. If a person has only ever been the dumper, how do they know the heartbreak a dumpee has gone through? Having said that, my last relationship was with a women who had been left by her husband and had 3 kids. It didn't seem to make any difference to her though, she bailed whilst I was overseas, sent me a lousy FB message and was hot and heavy within days with a guy she's now married to. So in that situation her having been dumped and cheated on by her husband didn't affect her behaviour in any positive way.

 

I've often thought it's a good question to ask any potential future partners. Have you ever been dumped before, or have you always been the dumper.

[Sugarkane]

I'm confused. What sort of person marries and has kids with someone within a month? Did she know the guy beforehand?

[Sugarkane]

If a dumpee did this, they'd be laughed at. Or be given a restraining order.

[RespectfullyAlone]

I'm confused. What sort of person marries and has kids with someone within a month? Did she know the guy beforehand?

Yes she knew this person. Doesn't matter in the scheme of things. I came to accept they both deserved each other, and not in a condescending way either. I honestly felt happy for them, but it took many many years to come to that point.

[Sugarkane]

I don't know anyone who would think it's ok to marry someone else within a month of a breakup. Even if they already knew each other. Strange.

Yes she knew this person. Doesn't matter in the scheme of things. I came to accept they both deserved each other, and not in a condescending way either. I honestly felt happy for them, but it took many many years to come to that point.

[RespectfullyAlone]

A shotgun wedding.

[No Limit]

Don't respond to her at all. You're not obliged to write anything to her, and you needn't soothe old regrets she might be having now. And of course she wouldn't have thought about you while she's happy, you could have died in the most atrocious way possible and she wouldn't have cared.

 

If you don't want spam attacks, you should just ignore/delete.

[Standard-Fare]

RespectfullyAlone, I think that draft email you composed is very compassionate. It would be a nice gesture to send it.

 

However, part of me questions why you'd even do that, given all that you've written here. You might wish her the best, but there's also obviously some resentment toward this woman (and her recent intrusion into your life).

 

Sending that email will open doors to correspondence. There's a very high chance she'll reply, and that will start a conversation. Do you want to do that?

[Itspointless]

There is another possibility I haven't read so far. Her hurt could have make her think of you - and now for the new part - she could have reached out because she perhaps hoped that you would have found happiness yourself despite her doings. Sometimes we have to fall deep to realize certain things.

I've often thought it's a good question to ask any potential future partners. Have you ever been dumped before, or have you always been the dumper.

Its a good question but does not give you the full picture. People can be hurt and left by friends in the past or even their parents, when they were young. Sometimes people hurt us as they are to afraid to be hurt by us themselves.

Hi XXX. Thank you for your email and apology. I do not hold any grudges or ill feelings towards you. What happened was so long ago now. I am sad to hear about your situation however and I know with children involved it makes things that much harder. With time, things will get better even if you don't feel that way now. I wish you all the best now and for the future.

I think this message is perfect. It sounds honest and sincere. It also makes clear that you have no desire to be friends or facebook acquaintances.

Edited September 19, 2014 by Itspointless

[RespectfullyAlone]

I decided I would send an email to this girl. Despite how much she hurt me in the past, I don't harbour any hate or resentments towards her. I do towards my current ex, but this one from 8 years ago now, it really has been a long time since she was in my life. I genuinely am sorry she's in the mess she's in, but there will be no white knight riding in to save the day.

 

I'll be totally honest and say if she had no kids, and it hadn't been 8 years since she left, I might feel differently about all of this. But it is what it is, and I feel I deserve someone who would make me their first choice, a chance to start a life of our own, children of our own etc.

 

I still felt sad after I had sent my email to her. Because after she left me, I would have given ANYTHING to have her back. But it was a very fleeting moment, a sign that I really was over her, did not love or hate her, and honestly wished her the best.

 

I am strong enough to not have any further communication with this girl. But I do feel better in thanking her for her apology, and also by letting her know I don't have any resentments towards her. Maybe now she can find a little peace and have the strength to carry on in her life being a single parent to 3 children.

 

To those that advised me not to reply, that also would have been a perfectly fine way to handle this as well. But in a good sign I guess that my heart has not totally turned to stone and ash, I felt being the person that I am, despite what she did in the past, I would at least acknowledge her apology and wish her the best for the future.

 

This is also a case by case basis. I would not write the same thing to my current ex, or for other exes due to how they acted and behaved. Certainly not after they showed no genuine sorrow or remorse for anything they did. They truly were horrible people, yet for my most current ex, sadly and tragically for me, I still love her and wish/hope she would reach out, make contact or come back. I hope in 6 years time I still don't feel this way

Edited September 20, 2014 by RespectfullyAlone

[No Limit]

I deserve someone who would make me their first choice, a chance to start a life of our own, children of our own

 

Read this part whenever you feel a bit down.

 

 

And don't loose yourself in sadness by thinking of what could have been. We'll never know, and the girl wasn't/still isn't smart enough to see things for what they truly were/are. But you only have one chance at life. And just because she screwed hers, doesn't mean you have to let go of yours.

[RespectfullyAlone]

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I'm now fast approaching 2 years since my most recent breakup, and possibly one of the worst I have ever experienced. I have no intention to purposefully throw my life away, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel worthless, a loser, someone devoid of any self confidence.

 

This ex fiance of mine from 8 years ago, sadly was not the first or last to behave horribly. I guess I figured I'd had my fair share of heartbrake, and I was due for some good luck and happiness in my life. Yet my most recent ex saw fit to destroy me yet again.

 

You change after having your heart smashed to pieces. Each time you love again, pick oneself up, try to put your life back together, you're not the same person. Some of you is lost each time.

 

Something broke inside of me this last time. I have withdrawn completely from the world, other than work and going to the gym. I have lost all interest in my hobbies, going out to the beach, on weekend drives, photography, feeling positive about life. She may not have been responsible for the other breakups in my past, but in a way she's worse than all of them combined.

 

I so want to feel some hope and positiveness in my life again. To wake up each day and feel ready to take on what is in store. Instead I have so much hate for that this girl did, resentment, even envy that she was able to throw me away so quickly, and move on immediately with someone else.

 

I don't post much here anymore, because it's impossible not to sometimes feel some sort of hope, only to have it dashed yet again.

 

But I do thank everyone for their comments, so thank you.

[coolbreeze]

Respectfullyalone, well first, you're not alone. I've too, lived through horrific

breakups. Not kidding, one after the other after the other. All I ever wanted, was to be loved. I feel your pain, inside you've become numb. But what's happened is you opened up, trusted and loved the WRONG ONES, but don't we all? It's crushing to open up and tell someone about your past pains, just to have them screw you all over again. Trample all over your heart. (simply heartless)

 

Your spirit's been bruised but it's not broken. That's why you're lacking desire and motivation to get on in life, and yes, you will recover. I pray that God restores & heals my spirit, cause I've been through so much too. I'm healing more & more every day , I'm a sweet woman but also I'm a magnet for broken men. I'm not sure why, but at least I've figured that much out. Now I'm more skeptical and untrusting as ever. But, I'm not searching for love (actually never have) I've become my own best friend, I seek to find answers and educate myself.

 

It seems your last 2 yr breakup was the granddaddy of em all. But you'll recover from that too. My way of thinking bout things is, would you want someone to stay in your life who crapped on you so bad? The way she left speaks VOLUMES about her character. I just keep thanking the Lord above, my trash left my life. I didn't understand then, I was so blindsided by his cheating and left dizzy from all the emotional & verbal abuse, but i get it now.. So happy he's out of my life.

 

The 2 yr relationship person will have to live with what she did to you too. Believe me when one does another wrong, it eats at them internally. I know ppl are very selfish, but one day, she too will write that email, because she will want to clear her conscious.

 

Please go easy on yourself and from what I've read you're a wonderful person, healing takes time. You were sucker punched from within, the heart/spirit heals on it's own time clock.

 

Only broken individuals leaves scars - you didn't deserve to be left in such a vicious way.

[Sugarkane]

Maybe the ex should be talking to a therapist instead.

[No Limit]

Maybe the ex should be talking to a therapist instead.

 

Too late for that. Her life is probably just about done; no real friends to speak of, and no man will want more than a quickie with her since she already has 3 kids. She's been in the fog for 8 years, only hope left are her children now who will hopefully take an example of their mother and how it's NOT done.

[h20-50]

Too late for that. Her life is probably just about done; no real friends to speak of, and no man will want more than a quickie with her since she already has 3 kids. She's been in the fog for 8 years, only hope left are her children now who will hopefully take an example of their mother and how it's NOT done.

 

Does anyone think this is true? I only ask because my ex is in a very similar situation but with 2 kids (not mine). I think she was dumb to let me go and she came back with 2 kids, an ex husband after 5 years of NC to me and pulled the same apology just as the OP got.