How to be friends (only) with guys

[Marshbear]

Originally posted by sarah12

I really think that guys need to take their egos down a few notches. It really gets to me when guys won't take no for an answer. I have been rejected once and yes, it hurt, but there was a circumstance behind it though, but I don't go and refuse to be friends with the guy. It isn't their fault if they don't feel the same way you do. You can't help the way you feel, whether it is that you feel for someone or you don't. I don't blame the guys who fall for me for liking me, because everyone is entitled to have feelings, but there gets to a point where they have to work on themselves, without interfering in to the other person's life after that person rejected you. I feel like the biggest b*tch when I have to tell the guys to leave me alone, even though I shouldn't have to feel that way.

 

I guess it depends upon how good a friend the guy is and how long you have known him. You say you have been rejected but you would still be friends with the guy. How well did you know him? Did you just met him and tell him of your interest and he said no or did you know him for awhile, developed feelings for him, asked him and he said no. I f you had developed feelings and he said no I doubt if you would want to still hang around him when you still liked him knowing nothing would come of it.

 

If a guy you know for a short time hits on you and you say no he shouldn't have a problem hanging with you because he hasn't developed feelings for you. It's when you have spent lots of time with someone, shared lots and were close and then if your interest goes from friendship to romantic that is when it hurts to be a friend.

You are reminded that all you have shared isn't as strong for the girl as for the guy

and yes, I guess you feel cheated. Granted if the girl says no you should leave her alone ( harassment is a crime ) but it would be painful to be around her knowing she doesn't feel the same as you. It will strain a friendship and probably end it.

 

Feelings changes everything in a relationship. Also I might add that guys are told that you never want to be friends with a woman because nothing will come of it. I do not hold to that theory but to labeled a friend is the kiss of death for most men.

It makes you feel unworthy of her. It will eat away at your mind if you let it. Yes, we need to check our ego's at the door but feelings are not black and white. Just as friendships usually fall into that grey area that is so hard to understand and can be so painful...

[Chipmonk]

Originally posted by Cupcake

I would like for the guy to be like a brother. Someone who can talk to me and give me advice about guys. Someone who can do cool guy things with me like watch football games, play sports, ect.

Someone who can give you advice about guys - yeah, he really is a friend. So long as it's real advice!

 

Originally posted by Cupcake

When I go out with a guy friend, no other guys approach me. It's easier for me because I can have fun without having to be feminine and pretty all the time. I'm really great at being just one of the guys. A guy whom I've never been intimate with would not lose interest in me just because I'm too masculine. He would embrace it, and encourage it. And the best part, if he doesn't find me attractive, the friendship can survive even better!

There's another side to this. If a guy sees a guy and a girl hanging out, they are probably an item ... which explains why no one approaches you. But a guy would also not approach your guy friend to hang out either - the two of you are off limits! Now, I do get sick of my friends sometimes, people like you are quite precious to have as friends!

[Chipmonk]

Originally posted by sarah12

I really think that guys need to take their egos down a few notches. It really gets to me when guys won't take no for an answer. I have been rejected once and yes, it hurt, but there was a circumstance behind it though, but I don't go and refuse to be friends with the guy. It isn't their fault if they don't feel the same way you do. You can't help the way you feel, whether it is that you feel for someone or you don't. I don't blame the guys who fall for me for liking me, because everyone is entitled to have feelings, but there gets to a point where they have to work on themselves, without interfering in to the other person's life after that person rejected you. I feel like the biggest b*tch when I have to tell the guys to leave me alone, even though I shouldn't have to feel that way.

Originally posted by Marshbear

I do not hold to that theory but to labeled a friend is the kiss of death for most men.

It makes you feel unworthy of her. It will eat away at your mind if you let it. Yes, we need to check our ego's at the door but feelings are not black and white. Just as friendships usually fall into that grey area that is so hard to understand and can be so painful...

Agreed - men do have large egos, it is very, very difficult to understand that a friend is not interested, particularly when I am so sure that the friend and I get along fantastically. It's an affront - it is saying that her opinion is right and I am wrong and there is no conversation because her word is LAW. And Marshbear is right - it does eat away at you, making you feel unworthy compared to other people she knows that she does date. This is why I am saying you need to be so generous with a guy who tries to remain a friend - it is difficult for him, possibly more difficult than the most painful breakup you can imagine.

 

Why do the egos exist? It is very hard to ask someone out, and I've only seen two ways guys do it. One is the cocky approach, to convince onesself that no one's rejection matters - this leads to hitting on everyone in the room and the description "sketchy". The other is the fall-for-a-friend approach, to know someone fairly well before asking her, convince onesself that she might be interested as well - and nine times out of ten, she freaks out and pushes the guy away. Sarah12, you've met a lot of these types. The only other possibility is the girl tells the guy she's interested, asks him out - and haha, this is rare, girls seem to want their Prince Charmings to ask them out and few can be bothered to take their own initiative (at least in my experience). The odds are pretty bad of finding anyone who is interested, because girls just don't give hints when they are ... and it really takes a lot of ego to even take that chance.

[sarah12]

And Marshbear is right - it does eat away at you, making you feel unworthy compared to other people she knows that she does date. This is why I am saying you need to be so generous with a guy who tries to remain a friend - it is difficult for him, possibly more difficult than the most painful breakup you can imagine.

Not sure if it's more painful than a breakup -- if you've gotten yourself so invested in the person before you even started dating, then it's probably a clue that you should let her know a little earlier next time so that you don't wait until you have fully let yourself become emotionally vulnerable.

 

The other is the fall-for-a-friend approach, to know someone fairly well before asking her, convince onesself that she might be interested as well - and nine times out of ten, she freaks out and pushes the guy away. Sarah12, you've met a lot of these types.

Unfortunately for me, yes I have. And unfortunately this goes back to the age old question of why men cannot be friends with women, but women can be friends with men.

 

You say you have been rejected but you would still be friends with the guy. How well did you know him? Did you just met him and tell him of your interest and he said no or did you know him for awhile, developed feelings for him, asked him and he said no.

Actually I guess I shouldnt' say I have been rejected, but I felt feelings of rejection from a guy I dated...looong story for another day.

I do not hold to that theory but to labeled a friend is the kiss of death for most men.

It makes you feel unworthy of her. It will eat away at your mind if you let it.

Agreed. And this is why I guess men and women cannot be true friends. I have fun with my guy friends but they aren't the ones I go running to for problems I might have.

 

If you don't think you owe a guy anything, then you aren't ready to be a friend, and you shouldn't be here complaining about not having any guy friends. Sure you don't owe him a relationship with yourself - that's not the issue. But you are so hostile to having any involvement in any relationship that he might have - even at the superficial level of introducing him to someone - that you are NOT acting like a friend.

I'm not complaining about not having guy friends, I have enough. I'm not hostile towards any relationship he might have, what gave you that idea? I just don't think it is a 'duty' of mine to introduce him to girls just because *I* wasn't interested in him. You made it seem as if I owe it to him to hook him up with a girl just because I rejected him. That's highly unfair. It's unfortunate that some people's happiness depends upon being with someone else. Mine doesn't so I guess that's where our ideals differ.

 

The guy thinks dating your friend will make you jealous? So? You are sure it won't, so why are you discounting the idea? You are so paranoid about him doing something that you might see as continued interest that you are actually encouraging him to remain single, and thus you are actively flirting and expressing interest. This is an important point: YOU ARE TRYING SO HARD TO AVOID HIS INTEREST THAT YOU ARE EXPRESSING INTEREST. I know you want to dispute this. But please think about it first.

I think you misunderstood me here. I have no problem with him dating a friend if I'm not interested in him in that way. Why would I care? I was just saying that the guys who have done this with me, have tried to date a friend to make me jealous, and I have never been jealous of this. They can go ahead and do it, no problem. I am trying so hard to avoid his interest that I am expressing interest? what does that mean? I'm confused. But I think you just misunderstood what I wrote. I apologize for that.

[Chipmonk]

Sarah12, thank you for your patience. I agree that we are not quite communicating about the same thoughts, and I appreciate your continued willingness to try to understand. I will not judge you for anything that you have said, or that I have misinterpreted, and I shall try again to explain more clearly than before, and hopefully that will work. I think ... I think that you are not reading what I am saying - you are reading what you think I am saying. Does that make sense? Subtly different, but that difference contains all the importance.

 

Originally posted by sarah12

I'm not complaining about not having guy friends, I have enough. I'm not hostile towards any relationship he might have, what gave you that idea? I just don't think it is a 'duty' of mine to introduce him to girls just because *I* wasn't interested in him. You made it seem as if I owe it to him to hook him up with a girl just because I rejected him. That's highly unfair. It's unfortunate that some people's happiness depends upon being with someone else. Mine doesn't so I guess that's where our ideals differ.

Read carefully. Two snippits:

 

Chipmonk: "you are so hostile to having any involvement in any relationship that he might have"

VERSUS

Sarah12: "I'm not hostile towards any relationship he might have"

 

Big difference - do you see how we both are right? You don't mind him being in a relationship - in fact, you probably want him in a relationship, he would stop looking towards you for dates. Fine - I agree completely. But you refuse to be at all involved with that relationship - you refuse to set anything up, you refuse to be a third party to smooth over rough spots, you refuse to care about that part of his life. In fact, if he ever mentions that part of his life, your eyes probably glaze over and you change the subject because you suspect him of trying to make you jealous - whereas if he were a friend who had never asked you out, you would listen carefully and give friendly advice. You are hostile to caring about his emotional well-being - and that is why he cannot accept you as a friend.

 

I suspect that most, if not all, of your guy friends have never asked you out, and I suspect that they are either in relationships already or would readily admit to not being interested in a relationship with you - either of which makes it far, far easier to accept a friend. But that's not the topic at hand - the topic is whether someone you rejected can be a friend.

 

Sarah12: "You made it seem as if I owe it to him to hook him up with a girl just because I rejected him. That's highly unfair."

VERSUS

Chipmonk: You owe it to him to hook him up with a girl because he is your friend.

 

Another big difference. You rejected him, you don't owe him anything - right! You don't! I'm not talking about the guy you rejected - I'm talking about the guy you are trying to be friends with, even after you rejected him. A lot of guys will take that rejection and walk away and never talk to you again - fine, let them, they aren't friend material. But if you want a friend, if you want him to stick around without looking at you with interest, you have to treat him like a friend. You have to want him to be in a healthy relationship (albeit not with you). Stop thinking about him as the guy you rejected, and start thinking about him as a friend.

 

Originally posted by sarah12

I think you misunderstood me here. I have no problem with him dating a friend if I'm not interested in him in that way. Why would I care? I was just saying that the guys who have done this with me, have tried to date a friend to make me jealous, and I have never been jealous of this. They can go ahead and do it, no problem. I am trying so hard to avoid his interest that I am expressing interest? what does that mean? I'm confused. But I think you just misunderstood what I wrote. I apologize for that.

I am afraid that I do understand you - I am afraid that I understand that you talk about "him" with indifference, and suspicion, and apathy. I understand that you are burned by many rejections that were messy and turned out badly, and I am concerned that you describe those you have rejected with at best neutral terms and more often negative terms, and not a single positive comment yet. I agree that a lot of the things guys do can be painful and harsh and callous, whether intentionally or unintentionally. But I want you to do something also - I want you to look at yourself, and how you treat your friends (male and female), and ask yourself how friendly your behavior is towards any guys you want as friends. Ask yourself how you act to encourage guys to be your friends.