told my ex to move on now second guessing

[sickoflove11]

My ex and I were hanging out as friends for a few months after a year of being a apart. I assumed we were both getting over the breakup for the year we weren't together since he ended it with me. He didn't love me the way I loved him and he didn't think the distance would work. He was also very depressed and felt he was going no where in life.

 

We both didn't really move on until 2 months ago I noticed he seemed to be trying harder and really touchy with me. I didn't like it since we aren't actually together so I just ignored it. He is my best friend and just the sweetest guy. I was so happy with being his friend I realized we were always better as friends. We both like to avoid things but finally, yesterday, we had the discussion of where we stand with each other.

 

I guess he never got over me and told me how much he cares about me and how much I mean to him and he knows it's his fault. It was just so sad because I care about him so much also, I just can't give him what he wants. I don't want a boyfriend right now I just want to focus on myself and my life.

 

We would go to the movies like once a week and he said he hates when we say goodbye because he can't kiss me and when he goes home from us hanging out he feels like ****. I don't want him to feel that way, that's not fair. He said he could feel me pulling away and I think that made him try harder which just made me pull away more. It was so hard but I told him the only way to get over me is for us to stop talking and seeing each other. I miss him so much it's not even been a day. It's all I can think about, I lost my best friend and I don't think I will ever get him back.

 

I am just confused now if I did the right thing. I don't feel the same way he does because to me we would be starting over but he is picking up where we left off. I can't make him wait for me, what if I never get to where he is? But I don't know if I want him to move on. I'm trying not to be selfish but I am so confused. It hurts me so much that I know how much I hurt him and all he did is care about me.

 

(He is 1 out of maybe 3 friends I have where I currently live. All being guys. He is the one that is always there for me so please don't say spend time with my girlfriends or close friends because I have no others. I've had a tough year moving around)

[sickoflove11]

I"m pretty much just using this as a place to vent now I guess. I'm starting to second guess myself. Or maybe I'm just being selfish. I don't want him to move on completely I just want him to take a step back. I need some time but is it fair to make him wait when I don't know how long I might need? There are a couple things stopping me from waiting to be with him again but I think they are changeable if only he would want to. I don't want to risk breaking up again because that would probably leave no chance of a friendship.

[BulgarianBoy]

I perfectly understand your situation. However, I am the guy in your story and my ex girlfriend is you. It has been 4 months since we broke up, and I will have to say that there hasn't been a day that I dont think about her. She broke up with me and pretty much broke my heart. I still love her deeply and care for her. We went no contact for a bit, but recently we started talking a bit and I will definitely have to tell you that it is really hard. That is why I can sympathize with your ex boyfriend. Every time I talk to her or hang out I just have these memories of our great relationship come back. I want to be able to hold her, kiss her, or tell her how much I love her, but I cant. When I go home I feel miserable. Yes, hanging out with her and talking to her makes me the happiest guy on the planet, but at the same time it hurts me so much, because I know that I will never be with her again. I guess I will have to learn to live with that and be happy again. I really think you should talk to him and be hones about how you feel. If you really have feelings for him, you should definitely talk to him about it and let him know, but you need to be COMPLETELY SURE! If you are not sure, just let him go. Dont hurt him more than he is already hurt, because by doing that you are kind of being selfish. You want him, but at the same time you dont. Its a tough situation, I know, but that is how life is. In the last few days/weeks I have come to accept that fact. Yes, I am still heartbroken and probably will be for a while, however, I am learning to deal with it one day at a time hahaha.

[sickoflove11]

I'm so sorry you are going through this too! I felt so terrible having to let me ex go I did not want him to be hurt he doesn't deserve it nor does anyone including you! I imagine he must feel very much like you do, our situations sound almost exact so thank you for sharing. I am confused and not sure if I want to be with him so do you think I am doing the right thing by letting him go and move on? I still do have feelings for him of course, but it just seems him and I are on different pages. I want to spend more time with him and reestablish if things can work out with us but he is far past that and wants to just back where we left off. I am having such a hard time getting over it and moving on when this was my own doing. I wish he could deal with it like you and still be in my life!

[BulgarianBoy]

If you really want to reestablish things and spend time to see where things go you should talk to him about that. At first I was like him too, I wanted everything to just go back to where it was, but as I read things on this forum and just from experiences from others i realized that if we ever get back the relationship will be totally diferent and in fact new. He needs to understand that too. However, you really need to be honest with yourself. Do you really wantto try and see if you guys can get back together or do you just want him around because hes also your best friend and you kinda miss him. Its a tought situation, just like mine. I wish there were simpler answers.

[sickoflove11]

Yeah this definitely is not simple I wish someone could give us the magic answer or something. I'm almost afraid to contact him and have another talk because I was so emotional last time and I don't want to mess with his mind. It has been almost 3 days of NC, maybe I should give it more time?

 

I definitely miss him more than kinda but you're right, I don't think the timing is right, I'm trying to focus on myself right now so really I would just be asking him to wait until I'm ready which doesn't seem fair. I want him to work on himself, he finally got a good job but I know he's been depressed so I don't want him wanting to be with me just because "i'm the only thing that makes him happy" if that makes sense? He needs to get his priorities straight and be happy with himself before he should be in any relationship I think. Do you think I should tell him any of that or just keep going with the NC?

[AquanoxSerp]

I'm actually on the other side of the coin so I hope what I say will be useful. I can definitely relate to your boyfriend though I'm female, am older and a little more grounded now than I used to be. I did get pseudo dumped in a 20 year relationship but now things are much clearer. And I think my boyfriend, I don't think he qualifies as an ex is in your shoes because he doesn't want the relationship to end but he's on the fence.

 

I think you should tell him these things and be clear and the sooner you talk to him the better because I disagree that leaving him alone to work on him is necessarily the best choice. And unless he tells you again this is the best for him I don't think you both should go cold turkey. I can tell you still have a lot of love for him.

 

I think based on how much you want to talk to him you can tell him that a non romantic interaction is not necessarily a dead end no. Based on what you said, I think you just want to work on you while he's trying desperately to work on the relationship and you want him to shift on his work too. That said, you are NOT ruling out a relationship but your priorities have shifted.

 

Tell him things like:

 

You don't want to get his hopes up in terms of romance RIGHT NOW but you DEFINITELY miss being friends with him and the lack of communication bothers you immensely. But this is different from friendzoning. You do have feelings but it is just hidden and not as in the forefront as it used to be and it has nothing to do with him but everything to do with how your focus has shifted from relationship to self.

 

Your primary concern right now is your self esteem as well as his self esteem and building that without a relationship. And on that be very clear you are not looking for a relationship with ANYONE else. You won't be a romantic factor in his life in the interim and you CARE about his well being and hope that maintaining simply a friendship can help as you both don't necessarily have to go cold turkey.

 

You realize the fact you want to maintain communication and am bothered this is hurting you means he is not nothing to you. Also there is nothing he needs to work on for the relationship to work but it's something that you have to sort out with time and you need space to be romantic again but you don't need space to be supportive and kind. You don't want to shut him out of your life.

 

You fear leading him on but then you realize that it's not really the same as other people's situations. You still care immensely for him and you are not ruling out possibilities in the future but right now you don't want to develop the relationship and even if this may change you are mostly concerned with leading him on and hurting him.

 

Last but not least you are providing this information because you do NOT want to let him go and there is good in supporting each other as friends. You want to know his day to day and even though you feel uncomfortable with romantic gestures you miss him and welcome the friendship and hope he sees the good in being a support network.

 

All in all treat him kindly, tell him you want to maintain contact if it doesn't hurt him but you understand that if going cold turkey IS the best way for him to heal, let him go NC. IMO even as someone who was pseudo dumped as myself, communication and support really helps.

 

But then again I can be very very logical.

[sickoflove11]

Wow Aquano, thank you so much for all that helpful advice! I really think I understand what you are saying. He wasn't the one that suggested going cold turkey NC, I had to suggest it because he just kept saying he didn't know what to do and that's all I knew. I'm not very good with words or expressing them, I just cry like a baby.

I think I will contact him and ask if he really wants this or if he would like to try and work with me at a slower pace so to speak. I can't promise him I will get to where he is but it really hope we can keep communication open. But you are right if it is going to hurt him too much I will have to let him go. I only want whats best for him. I couldn't stand if I were the one to damage him in that way.

 

If you don't mind sharing I am wondering how the relationship ended with the guy you were with. Did it all just end cold turkey or did you guys keep communication open?