New here and need some support [new update]

[DKT3]

For some reason I believe everything you've wrote here, and for me that's rare when it comes to these situation (not that it will make your day or anything).

 

I think the problem is you want to see his side through your (female) eyes. For most if not all MM that start affairs its about convenience and low risk. You were a prime example of that. He could go home, put you in the box and wait until the next time he wanted to dig you out and play.

 

The deep connection you had may have been very real for him, but again it was safe, no risk to his life with the wife.

 

I bet if you sit back, sip a glass of wine and think about things you will start to see or remember signs that this was coming.

 

I fell for the words over actions stuff myself, its sooo freaking hard when you want to believe what they say. But once I stepped back and got an overall view it was pretty clear what her actions were saying and then it all made sense. Damn words, why do we believe them coming from known liars?

[Quiet Storm]

 

I know that no one will believe me, but I know him. I have known him since we were 14.

 

These "one that got away" reunions give people a false sense of familiarity. This is why you trusted him so much, because you felt comfortable. You didn't have to go through that awkward, uncomfortable stage you would've had with someone you just met. You didn't have that "Is this person trustworthy?" skepticism that you have with someone new.

 

You felt safe, but it was a false sense of security based on lies, assumptions that you made and red flags that you missed.

 

The truth is that you don't know him well at all. You knew what he wanted you to know. You knew the image he wanted to portray.

 

He said "you have no idea what I am going through right now, my life is over"

 

The reason he said "you have no idea" is because you don't know him, and he knows this because he always had control over what you knew. He could filter his life and pick & choose what you knew. The reason he said "my life is over" is because he values his current life. You didn't realize that he valued his marriage and his life with her, because he never shared that. Sharing that important information and the true nature of his relationship with his wife didn't fit his agenda.

 

This happens a lot with these relationships that get reignited after many years apart. People allow themselves to be vulnerable because they think they know the person. They end up missing warning signs they would notice with a person they recently met.

 

A lot can happen in 20 years. Unresolved family of origin issues, poor coping skills, selfishness, addiction, mental illness, personality disorders, passive aggressiveness, immaturity etc, can all cause problems in adulthood.

 

What usually happens is that the MM's issues create resentment in the spouse over many years. This often results in less affection, less admiration, less ego stroking, less sex. So he feels neglected. Which is where you come in. He meets you, who has no idea what issues he has (unlike his wife). And you are happy to compliment him, pay attention to him, make him feel wanted, etc. Not because you know him, but because you DON'T know him! If you saw the situation clearly, without all these preconceived notions about what kind of person he is, you'd have labeled him a cheater and a liar, undeserving of your love and affection.

 

His wife probably knew nothing about his affair, but the affair is likely just the latest manifestation of years of selfish behavior.

 

I think this is what some OW don't realize. The fact that he is having an affair- instead of working on the marriage, ending the marriage or negotiating an open marriage- indicates some character related issues, not just issues in the marriage. MM's choice to have an affair often gets written off and attributed to the state of the marriage, instead of the character of the man. Then when MM starts disappointing OW (like he also disappoints his wife, because its his character to break promises), OW often labels him confused and afraid, instead of seeing him for the liar, cheater POS character flawed man that he really is. Remember this if his wife kicks him out and he comes to you with apologies and more promises.

 

OP, I am sorry you are heartbroken. This man was not worthy of your trust. He took advantage of and exploited your trust. I hope you will eventually see him for who he is and what his actions have shown you.

Edited September 16, 2014 by Quiet Storm

[Donesharing]

For some reason I believe everything you've wrote here, and for me that's rare when it comes to these situation (not that it will make your day or anything).

 

 

I fell for the words over actions stuff myself, its sooo freaking hard when you want to believe what they say. But once I stepped back and got an overall view it was pretty clear what her actions were saying and then it all made sense. Damn words, why do we believe them coming from known liars?

 

I did believe his words. But, there were some actions that were starting to get to me. For example, actual phone calls were getting less and less. I thought that was strange and mentioned it to him a few weeks ago. I said something like "Am I not even worthy of a phone call?" He just said, "I need to do better." All the way up until about a week ago he told me he was going to leave, he would figure it out. But, over the last week he was getting really weird and emotional. He went home from work early last Thursday, because he said he couldn't stop crying. This was after I was asking him if he was thinking he wouldn't be able to leave her after all? He never said yes or no. He just said, he was so upset and he couldn't stop crying and then he threw up. That whole thing lasted two days and I was getting really scared that he was changing his mind about leaving her. He spent Thursday and Friday, being distant, to me, but still texting me that he loved me etc. Saturday they went to the college to see the football game and I pretty much lost it that day. I knew they were together as a family and I felt hurt that his last two days were all "boo hoo" and reaching out to me for support and then BAM. off they go on a 4 hour road trip and family fun. I just really got to me. He took forever to answer my texts that day. That was the night I lost it. I wanted some answers. I can't even tell you why I was so at my limit. I know he never expected me to be the one to bust him. I guess in a weird way he trusted me as much as I trusted him, maybe even more. I know he thinks I betrayed him. But, the whole situation is just a big fat messy bunch of insecurities, lies, and betrayals. About a month ago I told him I was going to try online dating. That I was lonely and wanted to date. I pointed out that I am just sitting and waiting for him. He said he knew it wasn't fair to me, but he didn't like the idea of me dating. Ok, just trying to look backwards a bit. Trying to see what I might have missed. Thank you for the advice. Everyone here has been so helpful. I really need it and appreciate it.

[whichwayisup]

Like it or not, he did/does have the right to change his mind. Words are just words, saying he'll leave is one thing, but when faced to the challenge of actually leaving, he just couldn't do it. Even with you pushing him to leave, he just didn't have it in him.

 

I know you're trying to make sense of all this and probably not much does make sense with the why's and how's etc.. Just try to let go and grieve, make peace with how this has turned out. Forgive him for being wishywashy and not being able to put a plan into action to leave his wife and divorce, forgive yourself for believing him and investing way too much in a MM.

 

Time does heal many wounds, so you do have time on your side. Don't let this ruin you, life has to go on.

[Lovemesomehim]

I was not really concerned about her all along. I believed him when he said that he was there for the kids and she knew that. I trusted that. But, over the last week when I started asking for a timeline and he kept having a meltdown. Telling me how hard this is, and how he just needed to get the balls to do it. I started to question if she really was going to be blindsided when or if he actually "got the balls" to do it. I also know that last year when he had to go back and forth to the kids colleges he was always going alone. Suddenly this year they were both going together. A month ago I tried the no contact until he "changed his situation." that didn't work. I was too wishy washy. Something just hit me two nights ago. I wanted to know the truth. I can't even tell you what came over me, but at that moment I wanted out or I wanted it over. Maybe I just didn't trust myself to have the strength to cut him off. I guess I need to think about what my motivation was. I do know that if I was in her place I would want to know. It's hard to look at it from every angle. I guess I mostly wanted to know what he would do if she did find out. I found out that he made it all about him. Maybe over the next few days I can figure out what and why I messaged her. I am honestly upset at myself for doing it, but at the same time I am glad I was able to see his reaction and how suddenly he is only concerned about his life and not mine.

 

Since you believed his lies, why contact her and continue to contact her?

 

 

You stated that you were not concerned about her at all. You stated you believed him when he said he was there for the kids. Therefore your intentions were to make her hurt because you are hurting. You made the decision to be with a married man. You trusted his lies. You are the one that hoped for more and all along you knew he was married. All along you knew that he went to bed with her every night and woke up to her every morning. The few and far in between times he shared with you physically was by your choosing. You allowed him into your world. All the lies he told were lies you wanted to hear and believe...how is she at fault in all of this? And why are you continuing to contact her on FB? You were woman enough to lay with her husband, why not be woman enough to talk with her face to face?

[MuddyRock]

 

 

What usually happens is that the MM's issues create resentment in the spouse over many years. This often results in less affection, less admiration, less ego stroking, less sex. So he feels neglected. Which is where you come in. He meets you, who has no idea what issues he has (unlike his wife). And you are happy to compliment him, pay attention to him, make him feel wanted, etc. Not because you know him, but because you DON'T know him! If you saw the situation clearly, without all these preconceived notions about what kind of person he is, you'd have labeled him a cheater and a liar, undeserving of your love and affection.

 

His wife probably knew nothing about his affair, but the affair is likely just the latest manifestation of years of selfish behavior.

 

.

 

This is so true

[Donesharing]

He said "you have no idea what I am going through right now, my life is over"

 

The reason he said "you have no idea" is because you don't know him, and he knows this because he always had control over what you knew. He could filter his life and pick & choose what you knew. The reason he said "my life is over" is because he values his current life. You didn't realize that he valued his marriage and his life with her, because he never shared that. Sharing that important information and the true nature of his relationship with his wife didn't fit his agenda.

 

 

What usually happens is that the MM's issues create resentment in the spouse over many years. This often results in less affection, less admiration, less ego stroking, less sex. So he feels neglected. Which is where you come in. He meets you, who has no idea what issues he has (unlike his wife). And you are happy to compliment him, pay attention to him, make him feel wanted, etc. Not because you know him, but because you DON'T know him! If you saw the situation clearly, without all these preconceived notions about what kind of person he is, you'd have labeled him a cheater and a liar, undeserving of your love and affection.

 

His wife probably knew nothing about his affair, but the affair is likely just the latest manifestation of years of selfish behavior.

 

 

OP, I am sorry you are heartbroken. This man was not worthy of your trust. He took advantage of and exploited your trust. I hope you will eventually see him for who he is and what his actions have shown you.

 

That too makes a lot of sense. I keep telling myself I have lived through worse. I went through a divorce with 4 minor children and we lived and all have had many happy moments since then. I have also been engaged a few years back, had a ring, a date and a planned wedding. However, he was recovering alcoholic and he relapsed twice during our engagement. I had to to get real with myself and realize that would be my life. So, I ended the engagement. Hard stuff ...especially when the world was so happy for me and my future husband. But, the world supported my decision and helped me through that loss.

 

Maybe I am just a bad at relationships? I trust before I should. I believe words over actions. In the end I make the right decision, but boy has it been tough.

 

Thank you.

[whichwayisup]

That too makes a lot of sense. I keep telling myself I have lived through worse. I went through a divorce with 4 minor children and we lived and all have had many happy moments since then. I have also been engaged a few years back, had a ring, a date and a planned wedding. However, he was recovering alcoholic and he relapsed twice during our engagement. I had to to get real with myself and realize that would be my life. So, I ended the engagement. Hard stuff ...especially when the world was so happy for me and my future husband. But, the world supported my decision and helped me through that loss.

 

Maybe I am just a bad at relationships? I trust before I should. I believe words over actions. In the end I make the right decision, but boy has it been tough.

 

Thank you.

 

Having a man who is capable of manipulating and lying very well is just as unhealthy as staying with someone who can't stay sober and relapses. I know it's apples and oranges, but you've traded in one type of man for another. A MM who cheats and is a good liar and is selfish.

 

I really hope you have it in you to fully let go and cut him out of your heart so you can heal and move on.

[Donesharing]

Since you believed his lies, why contact her and continue to contact her?

 

.how is she at fault in all of this? And why are you continuing to contact her on FB? You were woman enough to lay with her husband, why not be woman enough to talk with her face to face?

 

We live thousands of miles away. I can't show up at her door. FB is the only way I know of her or how to contact her. My initial contact with her was when I was hurt and angry with him. The second contact was to apologize for my part in this. I am not contacting her again. But, I am taking the advice of some given here to keep the door open for her to contact me if she wants to. I liked the advice of keeping it open for a month and then block her.

[HBIC]

What usually happens is that the MM's issues create resentment in the spouse over many years. This often results in less affection, less admiration, less ego stroking, less sex. So he feels neglected. Which is where you come in. He meets you, who has no idea what issues he has (unlike his wife). And you are happy to compliment him, pay attention to him, make him feel wanted, etc. Not because you know him, but because you DON'T know him! If you saw the situation clearly, without all these preconceived notions about what kind of person he is, you'd have labeled him a cheater and a liar, undeserving of your love and affection ... the affair is likely just the latest manifestation of years of selfish behavior.

 

Seconding this. This should be required reading for anyone contemplating being an AP and tattooed on anyone who gets involved with a cheater.

 

Never assume you know anything whatsoever about their M. Now that you have disclosed, STAY OUT of their M, and that includes checking on it. They have their own "dance" of dysfunction, which you do not want to be a part of. All this FB stalking is super unhealthy. FB is personal marketing. Do you believe the advertisements on TV? Find the strength within yourself (and you have shown you are extremely strong) to stop the obsessing and move to a place where you do not care one iota what your exMM and his W are doing.

 

Leave that hot, hot mess far behind you.

[LynnFrost]

Hi,

 

I am a 50 year old woman. I was divorced 10 years ago and had 3 relationships since then that have not worked out in the end. I became involved with a man I dated in 9th grade. We have kept in touch over the years he lives on the East Coast, and I live on the West Coast. About 9 years ago he had a business trip here and we met up and had a nice evening visiting. After that we started an emotional type relationship which was basically over when I got a new relationship. He is a married man.

 

We kept in contact here and there, but in Jan of 2013 he arranged a business trip here and we met up for drinks and dinner, which quickly led to sleeping together everynight the week he was here. In March 2013 we met up in Las Vegas while he was on business there. This is when he told me he loved me, and that once his kids all go to college he wants to leave his wife. He said he left three times before but, came back quickly. He is a very hands on father and won't leave again until the kids are all in college. We became best friends texting almost constantly, always saying goodnight and goodmorning and a million texts during the day.

 

OK, fast forward... he was out here in July we spent his birthday together and had an amazing time. We even took pictures together and he said it was fine if I post them on FB. Just pictures of the two of us at lunch with a beautiful ocean view in the back ground. Anyway during this visit I said I can't keep doing this once that your kids are gone. He told me his wife knows he is only there for the kids. Aug came and they took the last kid off to college. That night her FB profile picture was updated to a family picture that was taken last fall. I told him that I was upset, and that I thought he was moving in the direction of leaving. He said he was, and he had nothing to do with what she puts on FB.That was about 4 weeks ago.

 

He then booked some vacation days and a flight and he will be here 2 weeks from today. But, last weekend they made a road trip to one of the boys colleges and then this past weekend the same but to the other boys' college. He was pretty weird all last week. I was pressuring him about what he is doing about leaving her like he said he would. He just said he just needs to "get the balls to do it." He also said he is afraid of losing his kids. So, this past Friday he was not feeling well and was very emotional. I asked him again about leaving her and he told me he can't stop crying and he went home from work. He was depressed and distant all day Thursday and Friday I only text back when he text me and tried to be supportive. I figured this must be a very difficult struggle.

 

Saturday morning he text and said he had just gotten to the college to see the football game and see his son. I said oh and with your wife? He didn't reply for several hours then replied he was just there enjoying time with his son, but yes she was there. I was really upset. The two days prior I thought were all about him getting the nerve to leave and maybe it was not that at all? I got pretty scared that maybe he wanted to break up with me. I asked him and he said he did not want that. But, the rest of the day the texts were minimal and distant. I don't know what happened to me, but I said to myself this needs to come to a head one way or another. I drank 2 glasses of wine, cried and cried and then I sent her a message to her FB inbox. We have a friend in common so it went right to the inbox where she would see it.

 

This is what I wrote:

I know this might be difficult to understand. I don't want to say more than this. I am giving you your husband back. You can get the information from him. I don't want to go back and forth. Good luck to you both. You need to make him feel loved. He needs that.

 

 

 

About 15 minutes before she read it I messaged him and told him what I did. I told him I feel like he was using me and I needed a way out of this nightmare.

 

She saw the message and she did not reply. I didn't hear from him again that night, Saturday night. Sunday morning, he text me and said he was never using me. I text again saying how it feels like that and he said, "I wasn't trying to do that. I really wasn't" I told him that as he knows I was at my breaking point with this being the other woman thing. I was drowning and he wouldn't throw me the life vest. This is true I cried when we were together in July explaining how something needs to change I can't go on like this and he said he would figure it out. He was kind, and loving. I trusted this.

 

He replied, "I'm sorry."

Then nothing else all day. I text at one point telling him how upset I was and I can't even function. No reply. This morning he text me and said, "you have no idea what I am going through, my life is over."

 

I replied

"if your marriage mattered so much why did you choose to become so close to me? If you wife finding out about me makes your live "over" the I guess this relationship was a big fat joke and had no meaning." No reply

almost two years of hearing how much he loves me how he screwed up being with me when we were young and he will never screw that up again. Millions of texts saying he loves me, and wants to be with me. Songs and movies that remind him of us. Promises...etc.

 

Now I am the bad guy?

 

She blocked me on FB, but then unblocked me a few hours later.

 

I am just broken. I told him a million times I cannot do this if he isn't genuine and he always reassured me that it is about his kids and I mattered to him and he loved me and would be with me.

 

I just don't know what to do right now. He hasn't told me to get lost, he hasn't been mean. He hasn't gotten upset, but he is telling me his life is over? What do I do. I know when it all blows up everything is a big mess. Feelings and people are not in their right mind.

 

I was in a marriage that I shouldn't have ever been in and I wound up getting divorced and during that time we were not in our right mind. I feel really lost without communicating with him. I feel like he doesn't care how hard this is for me.

 

I called in sick to work today. I can't be this non-functional, but I cannot function today. I can't eat, I feel horrible. I keep crying.

 

Sorry this is so long. I am glad I found this board. I need support from people that get it. Right now I feel tricked and I feel like a home wrecker.

 

Why did she block me and unblock me on FB? If she sends me a message do I answer, or do I block her at this point. You can't see much on my public profile so it's not that big of a deal to not block her. I feel bad though, maybe they weren't as unhappy as he made me think? Maybe she really loves him? Ugh...I am going crazy, and I miss him. I feel horrible. But, I can't keep being the other woman. What was I thinking busting this wide open? Ugh.

 

 

 

I'm really sorry for what you are going through. I'm in a similar situation, really similar. In fact, I had debated doing the same thing and contacting MM's W on FB. I'm glad I haven't.

 

 

Just remember that HE is responsible for his actions in his marriage. He should have handled it much differently instead of stringing along two women. You did what you had to when your heart was breaking. If it hurt his marriage, well...his marriage was already hurting if he was cheating on his W for so long.

 

 

I hope you find peace and happiness.

[Donesharing]

I'm really sorry for what you are going through. I'm in a similar situation, really similar. In fact, I had debated doing the same thing and contacting MM's W on FB. I'm glad I haven't.

 

 

Just remember that HE is responsible for his actions in his marriage. He should have handled it much differently instead of stringing along two women. You did what you had to when your heart was breaking. If it hurt his marriage, well...his marriage was already hurting if he was cheating on his W for so long.

 

 

I hope you find peace and happiness.

 

Thank you. My heart was breaking, and still is. I have to forgive myself for contacting her and hurting her. No one deserves any of this. I have so many regrets.

I hope your situation ends up much better.

[HBIC]

Donesharing, I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with this right now. I know how it feels to want answers and to be in so much pain it is unbearable.

 

Please take the rest of the day to do things that bring you peace. Stay off of FB and LoveShack. Watch a comedy. Read a book. Take a nice warm bath. Do whatever it is that can distract you from obsessing about the situation 24/7.

 

Right now, you need to set limits on how much time each day you are going to allot to thinking about the A. The pain will come and go in waves. Be prepared for that.

 

Concentrate on all the things you are grateful for, even if they are tiny things like being able to have a cup of tea or coffee. Or the ability to go for a walk.

 

And with that, one more big hug. It's going to be OK. This pain is going to make you a VERY, VERY smart woman

[beach]

You are learning some things throuout this situation.

 

Never believe a man will divorce - until it's final.

 

Never believe words only actions.

 

Trust your gut.

 

You are worthy of much more than he offered.

 

Empty promises are not the same as solid action.

 

Many more, I'm sure!

[Donesharing]

Donesharing, I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with this right now. I know how it feels to want answers and to be in so much pain it is unbearable.

 

Please take the rest of the day to do things that bring you peace. Stay off of FB and LoveShack. Watch a comedy. Read a book. Take a nice warm bath. Do whatever it is that can distract you from obsessing about the situation 24/7.

 

Right now, you need to set limits on how much time each day you are going to allot to thinking about the A. The pain will come and go in waves. Be prepared for that.

 

Concentrate on all the things you are grateful for, even if they are tiny things like being able to have a cup of tea or coffee. Or the ability to go for a walk.

 

And with that, one more big hug. It's going to be OK. This pain is going to make you a VERY, VERY smart woman

 

Thank you. I will try. I am a roller coaster of emotions. I told my kids that I have the flu and I am home sick. I am just staying in my room right now trying to get my head on straight. I really appreciate the support. It helps so much.

[LynnFrost]

Thank you. My heart was breaking, and still is. I have to forgive myself for contacting her and hurting her. No one deserves any of this. I have so many regrets.

I hope your situation ends up much better.

 

 

 

 

HE hurt her, not you. He was married to her and strayed. You were the messenger of bad news. Still, I think I'd prefer to know. Cut yourself a break.

[Donesharing]

I just remembered something that left my mind completely until just now.

I never did mention that I got a phone call one day from the area code of the town they live in. I thought that was weird. This was about a month ago. I blocked my number and called back, the woman stated her first and last name when she answered. I hung up. I called again when it was later on that coast and the voice mail said her name and a private detective agency. I thought that was really bizarre. So, I started looking at the BW friends on FB and put in the name of the woman who called. One of her friends had this person as a friend. They never called again. But, the friend I have here that knows about this whole thing thinks that maybe the BW was already on to something, but not entirely sure. He does text me constantly. I know his cell is very secure, he can't let anyone get a hold of it. I told you vaguely about where he works. Not sure why I just remembered all this. I had sort of dropped the idea since I never heard anything after that. None of this matters, but maybe I I would have shut up he would have been found out soon anyway and I wouldn't be the bad guy?

[Donesharing]

HE hurt her, not you. He was married to her and strayed. You were the messenger of bad news. Still, I think I'd prefer to know. Cut yourself a break.

 

Thanks. I will try. I would want to know too. Even though I am the bad guy.

[sweet_pea]

HE hurt her, not you. He was married to her and strayed. You were the messenger of bad news. Still, I think I'd prefer to know. Cut yourself a break.

 

Sorry but the OW has a part in hurting the betrayed spouse too. You can't conduct an affair by yourself. Just because the AP isn't married to the BS doesn't mean they aren't hurting them. Yes, you were the messenger of bad news but you were also complicit in the affair. I don't even get how someone who was the AP in an affair could ever think that they don't hurt the BS? I mean, really?

[Donesharing]

I am still dying inside. I still feel so horrible. I called in sick again today to my job. I really can't function right now. Not so much because I miss my AP, but because I told the BW. It wasn't my place. I keep going over and over it in my head. It wasn't for me to do. My AP hasn't spoken a word to me since Monday morning when he text me, "You have no idea what I am going through, my life is over." I had no right to do this. I should have just ended it with him and walked away. Why did I have to cause more pain? I checked her FB page this morning and she changed her background picture from a family photo to just their children (all adults in college) and she changed her profile picture to her and a friend of hers. He must be beside himself and must hate me. I know he lives and breathes for his children. I can't understand why I had to cause more hurt. I really feel like a terrible person right now. I know the whole A was the wrong thing to do, but sometimes people don't need to know. I don't know? If he wanted to work it out and have a marriage, why didn't he let me go and tell me that? I would have walked away, sad, but walked away quietly. Anyway, thanks for listening.

[Snowflower]

I'm sorry you're still feeling so low.

 

I've followed your thread and I still believe that your initial instincts were right...his wife deserved to know and you told her the truth about her husband. Please don't allow yourself to feel badly about "freeing" her and yourself from the spots that her husband/your MM put you in.

 

It was not your telling of the truth that made this mess but the entire action of having an affair (words vs. actions, remember?) that made this entire mess. You telling her the truth was one of the first honorable things done in this whole mess.

 

Good on you!

 

Now, get some rest today and go back to work tomorrow!

[LynnFrost]

I am still dying inside. I still feel so horrible. I called in sick again today to my job. I really can't function right now. Not so much because I miss my AP, but because I told the BW. It wasn't my place. I keep going over and over it in my head. It wasn't for me to do. My AP hasn't spoken a word to me since Monday morning when he text me, "You have no idea what I am going through, my life is over." I had no right to do this. I should have just ended it with him and walked away. Why did I have to cause more pain? I checked her FB page this morning and she changed her background picture from a family photo to just their children (all adults in college) and she changed her profile picture to her and a friend of hers. He must be beside himself and must hate me. I know he lives and breathes for his children. I can't understand why I had to cause more hurt. I really feel like a terrible person right now. I know the whole A was the wrong thing to do, but sometimes people don't need to know. I don't know? If he wanted to work it out and have a marriage, why didn't he let me go and tell me that? I would have walked away, sad, but walked away quietly. Anyway, thanks for listening.

 

 

 

 

Why do you feel so badly about telling her? Its probably good that she knows what was going on, and good that the exMM feels some well earned wrath. Are you feeling badly for telling because exMM is not talking to you now? Would you have the same regrets if he hadn't shut down communication?

 

 

Hang in there. I'm sure it will get better.

[HBIC]

As an aside, I just want to say how helpful this thread is to all of us working through these issues. I've even re-read my own posts to "parent" myself a bit.

 

Donesharing, you are experiencing an inappropriate level of guilt for telling the BW. That is a classic symptom of depression, which is also 100% normal given what is going on in your life right now. If this level of pain persists, or you find that you cannot move forward, you should seek professional help. Please.

 

I told the BW about the A. (Her FB pic is likely still the happy snapshot of her and her husband. Who cares? FB is NOT REAL. It is marketing. Only they know what is going on behind closed doors.)

 

I feel terrible about the A, but here's all the reasons why I don't feel bad about telling her:

1. It ended the A with finality in my case.

2. She knows what her POS husband is capable of.

3. She can monitor her health given that he is a POS cheater.

4. She can now make decisions about her life based on the truth, not the lies of aforementioned POS.

 

And the biggest reason I don't feel bad, and why I consider my disclosure a gift to her (albeit a very painful one):

POS gaslighted her, as he gaslighted me. She can now know that the marriage issues during the A were because of POS (and me) and NOT because of her.

 

-----------------------------

If you don't stop the FB obsession, you will prevent your own healing. ExMM and his W are on a journey together that is for them to figure out. STAY OUT OF IT. Please. For your own sanity.

 

You have the power to choose things that make you healthy or that make you sick. C'mon, I know you are strong!!!!

[LynnFrost]

As an aside, I just want to say how helpful this thread is to all of us working through these issues. I've even re-read my own posts to "parent" myself a bit.

 

Donesharing, you are experiencing an inappropriate level of guilt for telling the BW. That is a classic symptom of depression, which is also 100% normal given what is going on in your life right now. If this level of pain persists, or you find that you cannot move forward, you should seek professional help. Please.

 

I told the BW about the A. (Her FB pic is likely still the happy snapshot of her and her husband. Who cares? FB is NOT REAL. It is marketing. Only they know what is going on behind closed doors.)

 

I feel terrible about the A, but here's all the reasons why I don't feel bad about telling her:

1. It ended the A with finality in my case.

2. She knows what her POS husband is capable of.

3. She can monitor her health given that he is a POS cheater.

4. She can now make decisions about her life based on the truth, not the lies of aforementioned POS.

 

And the biggest reason I don't feel bad, and why I consider my disclosure a gift to her (albeit a very painful one):

POS gaslighted her, as he gaslighted me. She can now know that the marriage issues during the A were because of POS (and me) and NOT because of her.

 

-----------------------------

If you don't stop the FB obsession, you will prevent your own healing. ExMM and his W are on a journey together that is for them to figure out. STAY OUT OF IT. Please. For your own sanity.

 

You have the power to choose things that make you healthy or that make you sick. C'mon, I know you are strong!!!!

 

 

 

 

How did you tell the wife? What motivated you to do so? How did she take it? Did you have any contact with exMM after you disclosed?

[HBIC]

How did you tell the wife? What motivated you to do so? How did she take it? Did you have any contact with exMM after you disclosed?

 

That's a thread jack, so I can't answer here, nor do I want to give too many details because this is safe, anonymous place. ExMM did try to worm his weasel-y self back into my life; I started a thread on it.

 

When you hit 50 posts, PM me, OK?

 

Bottom line is that whether or not an OW tells the BW (which is a hotly contested, highly personal choice), ending the A is the critical thing. Telling the W typically does NOT split them up, no matter what FB pics seem to indicate.

 

I'm glad I told. I'm free and happy now.