Bootsie Posted September 27, 2014 Share Posted September 27, 2014 ... Why? Why would anyone who wasn't in an affair do that?...!! Exactly, women not in an affair with a MM have no real interest or reason to break up a marriage. Ignoring nutjobs, it's OWs in affairs, who have an interest in the marriage breaking up. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Donesharing Posted September 27, 2014 Author Share Posted September 27, 2014 This is what I experienced, I told BS as I was sick of not knowing.. He told her I just wanted to break them up? But missing the obvious is ... Why? Why would anyone who wasn't in an affair do that? He is the one cheating, so isn't he the one trying to wreck the marriage. I don't get how that line that YOUare trying to break his marriage!!! Like me, you are just putting the truth out there as it doesn't add up!! Exactly. Like I said before, he totally threw me under the bus. I am pretty sure I have the tire tracks to prove it. Seriously, the more I think about it the more I realize what a big fat chicken he is. Doubt he will every come totally clean with her. Why should he, he can blame it all on me. Poor MM some woman 2000 miles away went after him, and he was such a victim. Right. Ugh. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 27, 2014 Share Posted September 27, 2014 What are YOU willing to DO to change this...to look out after YOURSELF...to let it go and to move FORWARD? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Donesharing Posted September 28, 2014 Author Share Posted September 28, 2014 What are YOU willing to DO to change this...to look out after YOURSELF...to let it go and to move FORWARD? I am doing a lot. I have taken care of so many of the things I have been putting off. I am really doing so much better. I met up with my best friend from high school and we went to breakfast, and the beach for awhile, then hung out and went to an early dinner, had some wine. Now I am relaxing and feeling very free of the A. I am realizing how much it was really pulling me down, waiting and hoping and stressing. I am actually doing very well..today. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 I read your posts, and something came to my mind. Just as he has lied to her about the extent of the affair, he has lied to you about the condition of his marriage. The fact that it's likley going along smoothly, at least in her mind, makes it so much easier to believe that the affair is your doing, not his. I expect that for a spouse, the realization that their husband or wife was cheating is as much of a shock to her it was for yu when you realized he wasn't leaving his wife. zJust as you feel he's only saying the things to you that he is because, as you put it she's right there watching him. You blame her for his actions towards you, she blames you for the ones towards her, and meanwhile, he's sitting in the middle secretly pleased that he's been able to get two women all riled up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Donesharing Posted September 28, 2014 Author Share Posted September 28, 2014 I read your posts, and something came to my mind. Just as he has lied to her about the extent of the affair, he has lied to you about the condition of his marriage. The fact that it's likley going along smoothly, at least in her mind, makes it so much easier to believe that the affair is your doing, not his. I expect that for a spouse, the realization that their husband or wife was cheating is as much of a shock to her it was for yu when you realized he wasn't leaving his wife. zJust as you feel he's only saying the things to you that he is because, as you put it she's right there watching him. You blame her for his actions towards you, she blames you for the ones towards her, and meanwhile, he's sitting in the middle secretly pleased that he's been able to get two women all riled up. I can see that. I really can, and he doesn't really have to own up to either of us, right? Now in my evil thinking, best case "karma" scenario, is she leaves him and I never talk to him again. Ahhh...only to be that lucky. However, If they really have a marriage that is based on love, and this was just a dumb mistake, I hope they can fix it. I really do. If I would have thought that, I would have never been in this position. I already know I can move on. I already feel free. If he was never going to leave, I am glad I know. I really didn't want to hurt a good marriage. As many people here do not believe me...I really would have never been willing if I would have known that she thought she was in a marriage that was "good." Although, I do see some holes in his story in hindsight. Can't go backwards though. ahhh... Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 I can see that. I really can, and he doesn't really have to own up to either of us, right? Now in my evil thinking, best case "karma" scenario, is she leaves him and I never talk to him again. Ahhh...only to be that lucky. However, If they really have a marriage that is based on love, and this was just a dumb mistake, I hope they can fix it. I really do. If I would have thought that, I would have never been in this position. I already know I can move on. I already feel free. If he was never going to leave, I am glad I know. I really didn't want to hurt a good marriage. As many people here do not believe me...I really would have never been willing if I would have known that she thought she was in a marriage that was "good." Although, I do see some holes in his story in hindsight. Can't go backwards though. ahhh... You're right, he doesn't have to own up to either of you. Who cares at this point what their M is based on. No longer your problem to worry or think about him or his marriage. It's only up to you to take care of yourself. It's good you know now so you can be free of him. Now you can move forward knowing he's a real jerk and you dodged a bullet. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 I can see that. I really can, and he doesn't really have to own up to either of us, right? Now in my evil thinking, best case "karma" scenario, is she leaves him and I never talk to him again. Ahhh...only to be that lucky. However, If they really have a marriage that is based on love, and this was just a dumb mistake, I hope they can fix it. I really do. If I would have thought that, I would have never been in this position. I already know I can move on. I already feel free. If he was never going to leave, I am glad I know. I really didn't want to hurt a good marriage. As many people here do not believe me...I really would have never been willing if I would have known that she thought she was in a marriage that was "good." Although, I do see some holes in his story in hindsight. Can't go backwards though. ahhh... There are so many things odd about this post I don't know where to start. Love may have nothing to do with any of it. A good marriage is a matter of opinion. Fix it? I doubt he's capable of that; after all he's a skilled liar. I could shake my head at the whole post. You are make huge assumptions about a lot of things based on fantasy ideas. Just learn from this - for your own best interest. I've learned to never assume a guy is divorced just because he says he is. I want evidence. And if he lies to me - it's over. No room for lies and married men. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Donesharing Posted September 28, 2014 Author Share Posted September 28, 2014 There are so many things odd about this post I don't know where to start. Love may have nothing to do with any of it. A good marriage is a matter of opinion. Fix it? I doubt he's capable of that; after all he's a skilled liar. I could shake my head at the whole post. You are make huge assumptions about a lot of things based on fantasy ideas. Just learn from this - for your own best interest. I've learned to never assume a guy is divorced just because he says he is. I want evidence. And if he lies to me - it's over. No room for lies and married men. Great points! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Donesharing Posted September 28, 2014 Author Share Posted September 28, 2014 You're right, he doesn't have to own up to either of you. Who cares at this point what their M is based on. No longer your problem to worry or think about him or his marriage. It's only up to you to take care of yourself. It's good you know now so you can be free of him. Now you can move forward knowing he's a real jerk and you dodged a bullet. Lesson learned...truly. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
lovedandlostit Posted September 30, 2014 Share Posted September 30, 2014 Really thought recently myself about being married to MM, it could never work as he's used to getting away with whatever he wants for years, courtesy of his BS. I would never let him off lol. I found out from a member of his family that when he is confronted he drives off! I thought he just did that due to my pressuring him, but hes not used to facing truths so i somehow became the nagging lover...but it would appear he's used to coming back and subject is dropped as BS is so scared of losing him (also told by family member). Passive aggressive.... Who can live like that? OP you should imagine being her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Donesharing Posted September 30, 2014 Author Share Posted September 30, 2014 Really thought recently myself about being married to MM, it could never work as he's used to getting away with whatever he wants for years, courtesy of his BS. I would never let him off lol. I found out from a member of his family that when he is confronted he drives off! I thought he just did that due to my pressuring him, but hes not used to facing truths so i somehow became the nagging lover...but it would appear he's used to coming back and subject is dropped as BS is so scared of losing him (also told by family member). Passive aggressive.... Who can live like that? OP you should imagine being her. Actually, this was the demise of my marriage! My ex husband never "fought." If he was mad he would get in his car and leave, sometimes for a day, sometimes a few hours. Before we had cell phones, I would go crazy with worry. Then once we had cell phones he would just hit the decline call button. I hated this! Every time I had something that was bothering me, he would "poo poo" it, like it didn't matter. I asked to go to marriage counseling, he would refuse. If he didn't drive off, he would be laying on the sofa or bed and he would put the pillow over his head and ignore me. Also, when he was mad at me, he would do something passive aggressive. For example, he was mad, I had plans to go to a show with my girlfriends, he would suddenly get stuck at work and couldn't get home to watch the kids. We had 3 kids in 4 years, and I was a stay at home mom when they were small. I hardly got out, but when I did I really needed it. One other example, if he thought it was too long since we last had sex, like a week or two, he would give me the cold shoulder, one word answers, etc. It really was the reason we broke up. Communication is so important. Good that you pointed that out...she probably is dealing with the same stuff. It really can ruin a relationship. I wasn't perfect, but I would talk it out, argue it out, whatever. It is really hard to live like that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lovedandlostit Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 You can't, that's not as marriage Link to post Share on other sites
Author Donesharing Posted October 1, 2014 Author Share Posted October 1, 2014 You can't, that's not as marriage Yep, it was tough. It obviously didn't work. We divorced at 17 years of marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 Donesharing, I don't have a dog in this hunt. I've never been the betrayed or the betrayer. I just feel for you. I'm sorry for the pain you're in. Sounds like you were duped. I feel a lot of women in your situation have been dealt the same hand. I was in a long term marriage, and I realize the ups and downs of that. Anyway...I'm thinking of you, wishing you peace. So sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Donesharing Posted October 3, 2014 Author Share Posted October 3, 2014 Donesharing, I don't have a dog in this hunt. I've never been the betrayed or the betrayer. I just feel for you. I'm sorry for the pain you're in. Sounds like you were duped. I feel a lot of women in your situation have been dealt the same hand. I was in a long term marriage, and I realize the ups and downs of that. Anyway...I'm thinking of you, wishing you peace. So sorry. Thank you. I appreciate the kind thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Donesharing Posted October 14, 2014 Author Share Posted October 14, 2014 I am so mad at myself right now. I broke NC yesterday. I sent a 3 sentence email telling him that I am still so hurt that he threw me under the bus, and that I am still struggling, and I hope he is happy. No answer, Thank God. I am really glad he didn't answer. But, I am mad at myself. 20 days of NC, and more good days than bad ones, but for some reason yesterday it got to me. It's been 24 hours so I am sure he won't reply. He gets all of his work email instantly. So, here is to making a dumb move. Yay me... One the good side, I had a date last night. Old friend/boyfriend who has always been there for me. He has also been divorced since 2004. Our kids are friends. We went on a cruise together with the kids about 2.5 years ago. It was a great time. But, every time we have tried to start a relationship, I get my feelings hurt. I don't think he does it on purpose, but it happens. I know I am too sensitive. He said something last night that was bothersome, but he didn't mean any harm. Being in healthcare, I have to deal with people dying. I brought up the subject of dying and he said, "Can we talk about something more positive, I want to have a nice time not get depressed. It just hurt my feelings, because I was just venting about my job. I realize death is a touchy subject, but I have to vent sometimes. It's not like its fun for me to have to deal with families in crisis everyday. I have always had expectations of being treated like a queen and he doesn't do that. LOL. He is a nice person, we have chemistry, but something has always gotten messed up as soon as we get close. Anyway, I am just going to let it be what it is. I think I have always tried to push things to go faster, and he is more slow at getting to that point. Anyway....Thanks for listening. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Donesharing Posted November 9, 2014 Author Share Posted November 9, 2014 I didn't answer. He left a voice mail, but called me from an unknown number. So, I didn't pick up, THANKFULLY. I might have if I recognized the phone number. All, he said, was he was hoping to talk to me. That was IT! Nothing else. Just that. I thought I wanted a conversation with him, but now I don't think it is a good idea. When we were together he did have a trip for work planned to be out her this month. Humm...anyway, been busy with the holidays around the corner. Started dating a little bit. Spending a lot of time with my friends too. I am doing pretty good. Anyway, just a quick hello and I hope to catch up on some of all of the newer posts from everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
HBIC Posted November 9, 2014 Share Posted November 9, 2014 THEY'RE BAAAAAAACK!!!! (sorry, couldn't help myself) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted November 10, 2014 Share Posted November 10, 2014 I didn't answer. He left a voice mail, but called me from an unknown number. So, I didn't pick up, THANKFULLY. I might have if I recognized the phone number. All, he said, was he was hoping to talk to me. That was IT! Nothing else. Just that. I thought I wanted a conversation with him, but now I don't think it is a good idea. When we were together he did have a trip for work planned to be out her this month. Humm...anyway, been busy with the holidays around the corner. Started dating a little bit. Spending a lot of time with my friends too. I am doing pretty good. Anyway, just a quick hello and I hope to catch up on some of all of the newer posts from everyone. Is it worth it? Why don't you tell me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Donesharing Posted November 19, 2014 Author Share Posted November 19, 2014 So, suddenly my xMM's BW starts following my Pinterest. Then she unfollows. Then she follows again, the board she follows was the one I had on there for the last year, it is all related to me and him. It has things that related to our relationship, places we have gone, songs we both loved and ones that reminded us of us. Just stuff. Just a nice little board for me, memories etc. I have also posted many things about moving on etc. No clue how she figured that out, but she picked that board to follow. She could have looked without following and I would have never known. But, she followed it! It made me so mad. I have been trying so hard to move on, I haven't contacted them. Even after he left me a VM I didn't reply. But, her showing me that she is "watching me." just brought everything to the surface. She has him, he choose her. They are together. I got sent away. After all the promises, he did not pick me. That does hurt and I have had to heal. I was making good progress. I sent him a message and said, tell your wife to leave me alone! I have left her alone. No one can move on if she is stalking me! He replied that he needs me to be patient. He doesn't want me to get hurt by this mess. He doesn't want to get the kids upset. He said he thinks she is leaving him and he is fine with it, but she will make everyone's life horrible if we don't just take a break from the drama. He wants me to just let things be and he will touch base later. WTF?! I didn't reply. I can't I was moving on. I don't want to be on hold. Ugh!! If they are breaking up what the hell does it matter. It sounds like he isn't positive they are breaking up and he wants to keep the peace on either end for whatever the final outcome is. Doesn't this sound like more BS? Anyway, thanks for listening. xo:sick: Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 So, you got your excuse to contact him. Essentially, you got your fix. Yep, it's just more drama and BS. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Donesharing Posted November 19, 2014 Author Share Posted November 19, 2014 So, you got your excuse to contact him. Essentially, you got your fix. Yep, it's just more drama and BS. True, huh? I guess I shouldn't have even contacted him. I was just so pissed about her showing me that she was following my board. You can see anyone's pinterest board without following them. It was just an "in your face" thing for her to do, and I reacted. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 True, huh? I guess I shouldn't have even contacted him. I was just so pissed about her showing me that she was following my board. You can see anyone's pinterest board without following them. It was just an "in your face" thing for her to do, and I reacted. Keep in mind, you were sleeping with her husband. She got to you, how much better would it been had you ignored her? In not doing so you opened the door abit and allowed more pain and confusion in, with his mess. As if your just waiting around from her to maybe leave him, so he could then have you as if your some cheap third place fair prize. NC means NC, you can't control what they do, control your reactions. No more contact right? No more being goated by her and no more cracks to allow his B.S. in. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Bootsie Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 So, suddenly my xMM's BW starts following my Pinterest. Then she unfollows. Then she follows again, the board she follows was the one I had on there for the last year, it is all related to me and him. It has things that related to our relationship, places we have gone, songs we both loved and ones that reminded us of us. Just stuff. Just a nice little board for me, memories etc. I have also posted many things about moving on etc. No clue how she figured that out, but she picked that board to follow. She could have looked without following and I would have never known. But, she followed it! It made me so mad. I have been trying so hard to move on, I haven't contacted them. Even after he left me a VM I didn't reply. But, her showing me that she is "watching me." just brought everything to the surface. She has him, he choose her. They are together. I got sent away. After all the promises, he did not pick me. That does hurt and I have had to heal. I was making good progress. I sent him a message and said, tell your wife to leave me alone! I have left her alone. No one can move on if she is stalking me! He replied that he needs me to be patient. He doesn't want me to get hurt by this mess. He doesn't want to get the kids upset. He said he thinks she is leaving him and he is fine with it, but she will make everyone's life horrible if we don't just take a break from the drama. He wants me to just let things be and he will touch base later. WTF?! I didn't reply. I can't I was moving on. I don't want to be on hold. Ugh!! If they are breaking up what the hell does it matter. It sounds like he isn't positive they are breaking up and he wants to keep the peace on either end for whatever the final outcome is. Doesn't this sound like more BS? Anyway, thanks for listening. xo:sick: True, huh? I guess I shouldn't have even contacted him. I was just so pissed about her showing me that she was following my board. You can see anyone's pinterest board without following them. It was just an "in your face" thing for her to do, and I reacted. It sounds like he wants to stay with her if she'll let him but has also resigned himself to the possibility that she may leave him. Meanwhile he wants to do his best to keep you on the side just in case it doesn't work out with her. This is not particularly atypical and I'm sad to say it's what my WH did too. As for her looking at or following your board (whether it be a blog, a Facebook account or whatever); it's her right and most likely she'll continue to do it unless and until you make it more private, so she can't. I know I did and considered it a fairly minor form of revenge for the OW inserting herself into my marriage. Overall it's fairly trivial and she could do a lot worse to you, so you might just have to put up with this, or as I said make your pages and boards more private. If you contact him every time she does this then you're the one that's going to look unstable and bunny-boilerish. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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