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Three years today

Crazy_Love

By Crazy_Love,
in The Other Man / Woman

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Crazy_Love

Crazy_Love

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Today is my AP and my third year together. We have a rather unusual relationship in that my H knows about us and is fine. H and I are staying together for the children, about another four years until they reach legal age and then we will go our separate ways. For those of you unfamiliar with my back story, H decided on our honeymoon that he was not going to be intimate with me except to have kids. Not even hugs, kisses, any affection. Tried every counselor, self help book, etc but he refused. And no, he's not gay, just asexual. Anyway, I was faithful to him for 14 years before I snapped. We've been married 17.

 

I love my AP more than life. We are not coworkers but our life circumstances allow us to be together all day, every day. We are best friends, confidants, partners, lovers and we do everything together. We get along perfectly. We are a team, openly, and friends and family know us as such. He is married and his wife knows but doesn't want to know. She and he both admit to me that the reason they are still married is because of me, I give him everything that she won't. She's told me that her life is infinitely better now because of me.

 

I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. If I stay, he'll never leave her (I've never asked him to because I know he does love her), but if I leave they will fall apart. They were hanging by a tiny thread when I arrived and have fixed nothing. I can't really be in a proper relationship because of my circumstances yet what's the point of cultivating a relationship with someone who will never be mine?

 

Part of me says accept it for what it is and isn't, and just enjoy the ride and when the time comes, find an available person. Part of me has a very hard time with acceptance.

 

Please, no judgments.

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Popsicle

Popsicle

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Not judging, but I have a question: How are you different than your MM? You are both married and not looking to leave. Do you wish your MM would leave and that will prompt you to leave earlier than you planned?

 

It is my understanding that married people who are in A's who have no intention of leaving their M, do so because they are getting something in the A that they do not get at home. That is the point.

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Sub

Sub

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I'm curious about his M. If you and he are everything to each other, and you do everything together, what is she to him, then? How has it made her life better?

 

Also, this sounds more like an open marriage on both your parts. Not really an A.

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julzfromsa

julzfromsa

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personally, i do the 100% or nothing. So either be with me 100% or not. Life is too short to experience it in half measures or 90% measures. There is someone that will love you with all their soul. Leave him, find your happiness and you wouldn't believe what you missed out on.

 

Be strong - its a difficult situation.

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gettingstronger

gettingstronger

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I see it a bit differently that the two above- seems like you are living your life for others rather than yourself-

 

You accept a sexless marriage where basically you bore him children in exchange for I am not sure what-

 

As far as the MM, my guess is that it is not you as the person, but you as the situation that keeps them together-if she knows about you and is fine with it, it is because you are not a threat, you have learned your place and are willing to accept it- if you leave, I do not think they will fall apart-but rather he will find someone else to fill your role-

 

I do not say any of this to be harsh, but to encourage you to make decisions for you and not others- it seems you are willingly submissive to the others in your life and its not making you happy- if you were happy with it, you probably would not be on here asking questions about it-

 

Best of luck in finding you- and making decisions that benefit you rather than others-

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Crazy_Love

Crazy_Love

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Not judging, but I have a question: How are you different than your MM? You are both married and not looking to leave. Do you wish your MM would leave and that will prompt you to leave earlier than you planned?

 

It is my understanding that married people who are in A's who have no intention of leaving their M, do so because they are getting something in the A that they do not get at home. That is the point.

 

You're right, I guess the only thing that's different is he still loves his wife which is why he's not leaving. I'm not leaving solely for the sake of the children. But I guess it's really the same thing in the end.

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Crazy_Love

Crazy_Love

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I'm curious about his M. If you and he are everything to each other, and you do everything together, what is she to him, then? How has it made her life better?

 

Also, this sounds more like an open marriage on both your parts. Not really an A.

 

She is logistical support. She is supporting him financially while he gets his doctorate. I provide love, affection, emotional support...all the things she doesn't want to do and in return, he is not cranky and treats her like a queen.

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Crazy_Love

Crazy_Love

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I see it a bit differently that the two above- seems like you are living your life for others rather than yourself-

 

You accept a sexless marriage where basically you bore him children in exchange for I am not sure what-

 

As far as the MM, my guess is that it is not you as the person, but you as the situation that keeps them together-if she knows about you and is fine with it, it is because you are not a threat, you have learned your place and are willing to accept it- if you leave, I do not think they will fall apart-but rather he will find someone else to fill your role-

 

I do not say any of this to be harsh, but to encourage you to make decisions for you and not others- it seems you are willingly submissive to the others in your life and its not making you happy- if you were happy with it, you probably would not be on here asking questions about it-

 

Best of luck in finding you- and making decisions that benefit you rather than others-

 

 

You are right on many counts. I am living my life for my kids. It is not their fault that this situation exists but it's my responsibility to ensure they have a stable, happy home. Their father and I get along well enough, we are like roommates, so the kids don't know any different. That is why I stay.

 

As for the MM, you are right, for him it is about the position, not me, and I have no illusions that if I were to leave, another would take my place. Not so in how I feel about him. If he were to leave, I'd give up on relationships. I really do love him despite everything. I don't know why and I don't know how to move on.

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Crazy_Love

Crazy_Love

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I read you other threads,and believe me this man will never leave his wife

 

 

Oh I know that. He won't, and I don't expect him to. He's told me he won't.

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Crazy_Love

Crazy_Love

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personally, i do the 100% or nothing. So either be with me 100% or not. Life is too short to experience it in half measures or 90% measures. There is someone that will love you with all their soul. Leave him, find your happiness and you wouldn't believe what you missed out on.

 

Be strong - its a difficult situation.

 

Thank you for your support

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