Becoming more picky about looks?

[Lani]

If you're going to become obsessively picky with girls attractiveness then you kinda need to work on your own.

Realizing that you're batting above your average doesn't count for much.

 

Where do you see yourself on your hot scale?

 

Also, if you plan on asking girls on dates, you know you should be prepared to pay for them, right?

[clia]

There is one girl in salsa who is unusually friendly with me but even though she has a nice body, her face just isn't that cute. Am I being shallow or unreasonable for not wanting to get to know her?

 

It is no more shallow or unreasonable for you to choose not to date her because the facial features she was born with are not to your liking than it would be for her to choose not to date you because of your height. You are entitled to date whoever you want and to be as picky or shallow as you want. So is everyone else. See how that works? I’m curious – given your “ugly, normal, and super hot” leagues, is this girl “ugly”? And your ex was “normal”?

 

That said, you are a guy who has had a lot of trouble dating. You didn’t get your first girlfriend until you were 31. You desperately want a girlfriend. The pickier you are about who to date, the harder it is going to be for you to find a girlfriend. You need to weigh your pickiness against your desperation for a girlfriend and see which one comes out on top. I personally think that for you, getting dating experience is very important, and you should simply try to go out on dates with some women without worrying too much about how much long term potential they might have. If this girl is friendly to you and seems okay, it’s probably worth asking her out on a date to see what happens.

 

I also agree with many of the other posters that as you get to know a person, you might find them to be more physically attractive than you did at first blush. Don’t write people off too quickly.

[R3d]

You can do what you want, but I'd give the girl who is interested a shot.

 

In my single-and-seeking years, I've gone out on dates with a few guys, and I noticed a bit of a pattern about attractive vs. unattractive people.

 

I've gone out with a few very attractive guys. They were so attractive my attention went right to them regardless of any other people in the room. They asked me out. Then on the date, they would tell me they asked me out "because I was hot" (nevermind any other attributes, apparently those are irrelevant) and would then proceed to talk about how many options they normally get. Ew.

 

I also met a guy who was bald and had a very unattractive face. However, I went on a date with him anyway, turns out we had electrifying chemistry, we could spend all day together and never notice where the time went. After some time, I no longer cared how he looked, because he was just awesome and I had an amazing time with him. For reasons I won't discuss, we didn't end up being together, however, that didn't change what I thought about our dates and him.

 

What if this girl is just otherwise an amazing girl? What if she is a very loving person who would do everything to make you happy? You keep talking about how girls are always rejecting you, etc. Maybe because you are asking out the wrong girls? Maybe you should lower your standards a bit? Standards are good, but if your standards are "I will date only girls with DDs who look like models" then you risk remaining single for another 33 years. Also, keep in mind that most likely these girls have many other guys hitting on them.

 

Helpful advice and anecdotes. Can't like from this device at the moment but will at a later time when I get the chance.

[mammasita]

****ing leagues. That **** is so ridiculous.

 

Yes you're being shallow as hell for not wanting to get to know that women simply because she doesn't have a cute face. IMO you're not gonna find a girlfriend because you're out there like a shark in a pool of bloody steaks....I know, maybe that's not how you present yourself when you're out.

 

In any case, don't close yourself off from anyone because they have a flaw you don't like at first glance. Consider the fact that you might be judged in the exact same way and get to know any and everyone regardless. You never know.

[somedude81]

If you're going to become obsessively picky with girls attractiveness then you kinda need to work on your own.

Realizing that you're batting above your average doesn't count for much.

 

Where do you see yourself on your hot scale?

 

Also, if you plan on asking girls on dates, you know you should be prepared to pay for them, right?

 

I'm normal on my hotness scale ( I don't need a whole bunch of posts trying to tell me that I'm not, thanks )

 

Paying for dates is a different issue, though most likely I'll pay if some sort of arrangement isn't made first. Lets just say I think I know what I'm doing.

 

What if this girl is just otherwise an amazing girl? What if she is a very loving person who would do everything to make you happy? You keep talking about how girls are always rejecting you, etc. Maybe because you are asking out the wrong girls? Maybe you should lower your standards a bit? Standards are good, but if your standards are "I will date only girls with DDs who look like models" then you risk remaining single for another 33 years. Also, keep in mind that most likely these girls have many other guys hitting on them.

 

What if the pretty girls are also amazing girls too? Should I not pursue them just because there is a not-so-attractive girl who could be interested in me?

 

I am aware that the pretty girls most likely already have boyfriends, or a lot of guys interested in them, and the odds of having one of them become my girlfriend are slim. So after things don't work out with them, should I try and settle with this other girl?

 

That's what I'm thinking about right now. If I have a chance of dating a girl that I'm really attracted to right of the bat, I want to go for it; even though my odds of success may be pretty low.

[somedude81]

It is no more shallow or unreasonable for you to choose not to date her because the facial features she was born with are not to your liking than it would be for her to choose not to date you because of your height.

 

You are entitled to date whoever you want and to be as picky or shallow as you want. So is everyone else. See how that works?

 

You make a very good point, one that isn't lost to me.

 

It is the same exact thing as women choosing not to date me because of my height. Both are physical characteristics that we had no control over.

 

I’m curious – given your “ugly, normal, and super hot” leagues, is this girl “ugly”? And your ex was “normal”?

 

This girl is on the low end up normal and my ex was on the higher end of normal. Some of the girls in my class are still in the normal range but overall higher than my ex.

 

That said, you are a guy who has had a lot of trouble dating. You didn’t get your first girlfriend until you were 31. You desperately want a girlfriend. The pickier you are about who to date, the harder it is going to be for you to find a girlfriend. You need to weigh your pickiness against your desperation for a girlfriend and see which one comes out on top.

 

Another good point

 

Before I started dating my ex, I would have completely agreed with you.

 

But now that I've been through all of that, I feel that I'm starting to understand the game better. The girls who are pretty don't seem as off-limits to me as before. Of course this could all be in my head and I still don't have a chance with them.

 

 

I personally think that for you, getting dating experience is very important, and you should simply try to go out on dates with some women without worrying too much about how much long term potential they might have. If this girl is friendly to you and seems okay, it’s probably worth asking her out on a date to see what happens.

 

That's one thing that concerns me a bit. Is it OK to go out on dates with a few girls in the same class?

 

I'm also worried that if I go out with this girl now, it may take me a bit of time to get a date with another girl, and I don't want to lead this girl on by continuing to go out with her. It seems really low keeping her as a place holder till I can date who I really want.

[Imajerk17]

One thing that I've noticed is that I've become a bit more picky about which girls I want to get to know better. Before I had a girlfriend I would have been happy with a girl who was nice and not too overweight. Now I'm looking for girls that are at least as pretty as my ex was.

 

There is one girl in salsa who is unusually friendly with me but even though she has a nice body, her face just isn't that cute. Am I being shallow or unreasonable for not wanting to get to know her?

 

I'll echo clia's sentiment. This girl can't control the facial features and bone structure she was born with. So I hope that next time you're thinking of posting on the Height thread about how unfair you think it is that Short Men get written off due to height, you realize what you wrote above.

 

That said, I think you should get to know this girl, and no not because it's the "non-shallow" thing to do--I said "get to know", not "date", as you shouldn't date someone you're not attracted to that isn't fair to anyone. I think you should get to know her, because if she is beautiful inside, you can get past an average-looking face and actually feel attraction for her and want to date her.

Edited September 16, 2014 by Imajerk17

[PJKino]

If I'm repulsed at the thought of making out with a women never mind being naked with her I don't care how cool she is it's not gonna work for me

[rester]

If I were in the OP's position in life, I would be getting to know everyone I could get to know in my classes and not limit it to one or two cute girls. Why not ask the girl-with-the-not-so-cute-face out to lunch? Why not get to know her on a friendly level without the pressure of dates? You really never know what can happen without getting out there and doing something and taking action. If anything, it could be good for somedude's confidence to speak with someone that is "unusually friendly".

 

Hardly worth mentioning for the hundredth or so time, but he could benefit from more real life socializing without an end goal of relationship or sex to cloud the interactions.

[somedude81]

If I were in the OP's position in life, I would be getting to know everyone I could get to know in my classes and not limit it to one or two cute girls. Why not ask the girl-with-the-not-so-cute-face out to lunch? Why not get to know her on a friendly level without the pressure of dates? You really never know what can happen without getting out there and doing something and taking action. If anything, it could be good for somedude's confidence to speak with someone that is "unusually friendly".

 

Hardly worth mentioning for the hundredth or so time, but he could benefit from more real life socializing without an end goal of relationship or sex to cloud the interactions.

 

I've had many many platonic female friends in my life. From 18 to 31, all my interactions with women were nothing beyond the friendship level. Before 18, I was simply too shy to talk to girls.

 

There is nothing for me to gain by becoming this girl's friend. I know it sounds cruel or shallow or entitled or whatever to use the word gain. But the point is that I'm looking for a girlfriend. I'm currently not looking to make platonic only female friends. I need intimacy and sex. I've gone without both for nine months which is far too long for me.

 

If I were to spend time with this girl, it would be for the goal of seeing her as a potential girlfriend.

[clia]

That's one thing that concerns me a bit. Is it OK to go out on dates with a few girls in the same class?

 

It depends. How big is the class? Do these girls talk to each other? Would they know? But yeah...my guess is that you could easily run into problems if you are asking out girls in the same class. This is typically why people don't date co-workers. The last thing you want is to come across as the dude who is just asking out all the girls in class. That doesn't make anyone feel special, and has potential to make you look creepy in a lot of ways.

 

I'm also worried that if I go out with this girl now, it may take me a bit of time to get a date with another girl, and I don't want to lead this girl on by continuing to go out with her. It seems really low keeping her as a place holder till I can date who I really want.

 

As usual, you are on step 20, when you haven't even conquered step 1. This worry is based on a lot of assumptions -- that she will go on a date with you, that the two of you will have fun on that date, that she will want to continue to date you, that you will want to continue to date her, that you won't develop stronger feelings for her, that she will want to date you exclusively, etc.

 

Dating is all about going out with people and deciding whether you want to continue seeing them. You may decide after a few dates that you don't even want to continue dating her, regardless of whether or not you've found another girl to date. She may decide the same about you. Who knows? But why worry about it? Why not just go on a date and see what happens?

 

You seem to get paralyzed with fear and worry about what "might" happen, and end up waiting until the end of the semester to try to do anything. Don't do that this time. Take a risk.

Edited September 16, 2014 by clia

[Lani]

 

Paying for dates is a different issue, though most likely I'll pay if some sort of arrangement isn't made first. Lets just say I think I know what I'm doing.

 

What sort of 'arrangement' are you talking about here?

 

 

That's one thing that concerns me a bit. Is it OK to go out on dates with a few girls in the same class?

 

I'm also worried that if I go out with this girl now, it may take me a bit of time to get a date with another girl, and I don't want to lead this girl on by continuing to go out with her. It seems really low keeping her as a place holder till I can date who I really want.

 

Please don't go out with her. You're not interested and just doing this because you want some sort of validation and attention. If she is in fact such a nice girl then you should leave her to it because it's guys like you in situations like this that make nice girls just that little more jaded every time. Leave her for someone who appreciates all of her.

 

I've had many many platonic female friends in my life. From 18 to 31, all my interactions with women were nothing beyond the friendship level. Before 18, I was simply too shy to talk to girls.

 

There is nothing for me to gain by becoming this girl's friend. I know it sounds cruel or shallow or entitled or whatever to use the word gain. But the point is that I'm looking for a girlfriend. I'm currently not looking to make platonic only female friends. I need intimacy and sex. I've gone without both for nine months which is far too long for me.

 

If I were to spend time with this girl, it would be for the goal of seeing her as a potential girlfriend.

 

What about guys? Are there any guys you've become friends with recently? I know you don't think this matters but it really does. Girls like guys to have mates because it shows them they can hold down a relationship of some sort. They know how to work at something and maintain things in a way that's beneficial for them both.

[CaliGypsy]

Looks and attraction can be so subjective. One man's or woman's notsomuch is another's dream date.

 

Personally? If a man was to ask me out my preference would be that he found me physically and mentally appealing. I don't want someone who's meh about me.

 

I mean, yeah, things can always change and you could suddenly see her in a new light. That's perfectly fine. It's the not being attracted and asking someone out anyway that ls uncool. You wouldn't want her stuck in a relationship with you,who doesn't think she's pretty, when chances are, that for a lot of men she's their exact type!!

[Els]

My first thought when reading this thread was this:

 

Do you REALLY need the distraction of thinking about which girls to ask out and not ask out etc at the moment, when you are this close to failing your class because you haven't been able to complete your homework?

 

Say you pursue this girl (or any girl), and she declines you. Are you going to be able to study as per normal after that, or is that going to be yet another calculus class down the drain?

[Phoe]

SD

 

I have mixed feelings. It's never good to date someone you're not attracted to, but at the same time it's important to allow time for someone's personality to create attraction. That's why getting to know someone is so important, and immediately writing someone off as not an option is not recommended, from my point of view.

 

Also, I don't think it's useful to create expectations on attractiveness based on what you've had in the past. Your ex was cute, so now you think it's imperative that you do that well or better the next time?

 

That's not really logical in the long run. If every person decided that with every relationship they could only date someone who was more and more attractive than the last, then there sure wouldn't be much dating happening.

[Cristo]

Now that school has started I'm interacting with a lot of girls on a regular basis as I try to get a new girlfriend.

 

One thing that I've noticed is that I've become a bit more picky about which girls I want to get to know better. Before I had a girlfriend I would have been happy with a girl who was nice and not too overweight. Now I'm looking for girls that are at least as pretty as my ex was.

 

There is one girl in salsa who is unusually friendly with me but even though she has a nice body, her face just isn't that cute. Am I being shallow or unreasonable for not wanting to get to know her?

 

One girl that I was interested in is super cute and about 5'1 with a nice body. We became friendly very quickly but today I just learned that she has a boyfriend

 

There is one more really cute girl that I'm friendly with and I'm going to try and find out if she has a boyfriend on Wednesday.

 

Though if she's in a relationship as well, I feel that I'm going to have to start to push myself to pursue girls that I'm not that into.

 

And yeah, I realize that I may be shooting outside my league. My ex spoiled me.

 

I'm the opposite, but I'm also way more experienced than you. As I've gotten older, I've become less picky on looks.

 

I've dated some super hot girls and some very average girls. I find that once you get past the superficial stages with them, the sweeter/kinder/smarter one will look better than the mean/nasty/dumb ones, regardless of where they started off looks-wise.

 

But, then, I've always been different than everybody else. So maybe this doesn't happen to most guys.

[somedude81]

Interesting how it's being suggested by some people that I should ask her out, and by others that I shouldn't.

 

I realize that if I do go out with her, it would only because I want to have her fill some hole in my life since I'm not actually interested in her. That seems very shallow to me.

 

Knowing how I am, I would most likely never think she is attractive, but would still be able to be in a relationship with her. I would probably never compliment her appearance and odds are she'd in up wondering if I thought she was pretty. I can just imagine her posting a thread here with the title, "My boyfriend isn't attracted to me."

 

Yes, I am making assumptions that both of us would want to continue dating each other. Unless she was very annoying on dates, I'd want to keep seeing her just because, and I just have the feeling that she'd want to keep seeing me for whatever reason.

 

You seem to get paralyzed with fear and worry about what "might" happen, and end up waiting until the end of the semester to try to do anything. Don't do that this time. Take a risk.

 

I definitely agree with you here.

 

This semester I'm planning on moving much faster than before. There are a few girls I want to ask out and I may actually ask out somebody next week. She friendly and very cute so I might as well take the risk right now, or at least find out if she's taken.

[Phoe]

I personally don't recommend you ask her out, but consider being more open minded in the future is all.

 

Don't allow your ex's level of cuteness to be the new minimum you'll accept. Don't block yourself off

[clia]

Interesting how it's being suggested by some people that I should ask her out, and by others that I shouldn't.

 

I realize that if I do go out with her, it would only because I want to have her fill some hole in my life since I'm not actually interested in her. That seems very shallow to me.

 

Knowing how I am, I would most likely never think she is attractive, but would still be able to be in a relationship with her. I would probably never compliment her appearance and odds are she'd in up wondering if I thought she was pretty. I can just imagine her posting a thread here with the title, "My boyfriend isn't attracted to me."

 

Yes, I am making assumptions that both of us would want to continue dating each other. Unless she was very annoying on dates, I'd want to keep seeing her just because, and I just have the feeling that she'd want to keep seeing me for whatever reason.

 

After reading this, no, do not ask her out. She deserves to be asked out by a guy who is truly interested in her and who will appreciate her. If you do not think you can ever find her attractive, then it is a lost cause. I didn't realize you were so strongly against her looks.

[lollipopspot]

In my area, you can't be too picky about looks, or you'll never get anyone.

 

Well, you know, the west coast is the best coast

[somedude81]

I personally don't recommend you ask her out, but consider being more open minded in the future is all.

 

Don't allow your ex's level of cuteness to be the new minimum you'll accept. Don't block yourself off

 

The main reason why I made this thread is that I'm starting to realize that I am in fact setting my ex's level of cuteness to be my new minimum.

 

I don't know how I'm understood on this forum, but I really really like looking at pretty girls. Since I've been single for so long before my ex, the only real experience I've had with women was looking at them. Even now I'm starting to get back into that mindset where I just want to look at pretty girls because that's what I'm used to. Women have always been, look but don't touch. So essentially I want a girlfriend that I can enjoy looking at. Before anybody says anything, yes I did have frequent physical contact with my ex.

 

Now that I actually manged to have a relationship with a pretty girl, I feel that I should be able to do it again.

 

In essence, I've always wanted to date a pretty girl, but I would have settled with a girl I'm not attracted to just to have somebody in my life. Now I'm no longer happy with the thought of settling with just anybody. That's the mindset change that I went through.

[Lani]

The main reason why I made this thread is that I'm starting to realize that I am in fact setting my ex's level of cuteness to be my new minimum.

 

I don't know how I'm understood on this forum, but I really really like looking at pretty girls. Since I've been single for so long before my ex, the only real experience I've had with women was looking at them. Even now I'm starting to get back into that mindset where I just want to look at pretty girls because that's what I'm used to. Women have always been, look but don't touch. So essentially I want a girlfriend that I can enjoy looking at. Before anybody says anything, yes I did have frequent physical contact with my ex.

 

Now that I actually manged to have a relationship with a pretty girl, I feel that I should be able to do it again.

 

In essence, I've always wanted to date a pretty girl, but I would have settled with a girl I'm not attracted to just to have somebody in my life. Now I'm no longer happy with the thought of settling with just anybody. That's the mindset change that I went through.

 

I don't believe you went through a mindset change at all actually.

You've likely always felt this way which is why you didn't have a girlfriend until you were 31.

[somedude81]

I don't believe you went through a mindset change at all actually.

You've likely always felt this way which is why you didn't have a girlfriend until you were 31.

 

How does that make any sense?

 

My mindset had absolutely noting to do with getting my first girlfriend.

 

Also, in the past I have pursued women I wasn't attracted to. The first girl I ever kissed was dark skinned and about 50 lbs heavier than I was.

[guest569]

I feel as though I am much more picky since my breakup. Partly because I'm not really over my ex and it would take some superhuman to replace him. And partly because I have more confidence since having dated a bit and know I can do better and that there is no point settling for anything. Its good to have high standards, and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. You are overthinking things far too much.. Just relax.

[the tank]

It's ok to be picky , but if you go out of your league you will need to work harder !