Becoming more picky about looks?

[IttyBittyKitty]

My ex was obviously very into me. There is no question in my mind about that. The first five months were complete honeymoon. We had so much sex. I know that I don't know that much about women, but I really doubt that a woman who wasn't into me would have sex with me 2-3 times a day. Or maybe she just really liked the sex? I don't really think so. She never turned me down and I'm the kind of guy who wants it all the time. There was no way she was doing it out of some sense of obligation.

 

Of course there were other things she did to show me that she was into me outside of sex. Though I'm not going to write about them as I don't want to bring back those memories.

 

Oh hunny bunny, sex does NOT equal love. You need to get that RIGHT out of your head! Not saying she did or didnt love you cuz i havent been around here long enough to make that call, but just cuz she had sex with you doesnt mean she did.

 

Please don't think that way..youre totally setting yourself up to get really hurt if you do.

[xxoo]

My ex was obviously very into me. There is no question in my mind about that. The first five months were complete honeymoon. We had so much sex. I know that I don't know that much about women, but I really doubt that a woman who wasn't into me would have sex with me 2-3 times a day. Or maybe she just really liked the sex? I don't really think so. She never turned me down and I'm the kind of guy who wants it all the time. There was no way she was doing it out of some sense of obligation.

 

Of course there were other things she did to show me that she was into me outside of sex. Though I'm not going to write about them as I don't want to bring back those memories.

 

She could have liked the attention and validation.

[somedude81]

Earlier today something happened that I was completely unprepared for.

 

Apparently two of the girls that I'm interested in at the dance class are friends with each other. So I realized that going after both of the girls would be a bad idea. I overheard them talking about a dance place one of the girls went to. Unfortunately I let my insecurity get the best of me and I just eavesdropped instead of joining in.

 

Once class started a few things happened.

 

1. I learned that one of the girls I'm interested in has a boyfriend and they live together. So she's off my list.

 

2. The other girl I'm interested in apparently went to a dance place nearby last week with a few other girls from class. These are girls I regularly talk to during class and I'm really bummed that I missed out on going to with them.

 

3. But, the girl is going to the same place again on Friday. Unfortunately none of the other girls that I know are going. I'm considering going on Friday and hoping that she will be there.

 

4. I ended up walking with that girl and another girl after class and we were talking about going dancing on Friday. The girl I'm interested in took off and I was left with the other girl. We talked for a bit about what the dance class we're in requires and she asked a question about the tests in the class. I told her that the test is easy and that I've taken this class before. Then she said that she wants to study for the test with me and asked for my number.

 

Then she asked if I've been to the little farmers market thing on campus. Next thing I know we're walking around together sampling stuff from the booths. Since we were already together sampling stuff so I suggested we have lunch. She said sure but still wanted to go around to the booths. Feeling a bit brave I offered to drive her to the dance place on Friday and she happily accepted.

 

We finally got to the end of the booths and I suggested we go eat but she said that she just filled up from all the food she was snacking on and was no longer interested in lunch. We talked a bit more and she realized that she can't make it this Friday. I was getting hungry so I said "Alright, then I'll see in you in class next week." Then she said something Like "no, I want to go out dancing. Do they have classes other day?" I told her that they got a website and she should check it out and text me when she wants to go out. Apparently that wasn't good enough for her so she calls the dance place and asks them what their schedule is for the week. She then tells me what is going on and I suggested that she focus on three dances and to pick one of those. Her bus arrives and I tell her to text me what day she wants to go.

 

So somehow all this happens with a girl that I've never spoken to before outside of the few minutes we had while dancing, and we didn't even dance together today.

 

I realized that I should have joined in with the conversation the two girls were having earlier today. Both of the girls know me so I could have easily jumped right in. Also I realized that I should have gotten the number of the girl that is going out on Friday. I still have this thought that girls numbers are only given if she likes you and wants to go on a date. But in this situation it would have been perfectly acceptable for her to give me her number when we are putting together this dance thing.

 

I'm planning on going out this Friday by myself hoping that the girl will be there. Even if she isn't, I should still have fun. I'm curious if the other girl will text me or if I just won't see her until next week. On Monday's class I'm going to try to put together a dance outing and I'll just get all the girls contact info.

 

This semester has the potential to be very interesting.

 

And no, I haven't forgotten about math. I'm going to leave for tutoring very shortly.

[somedude81]

Oh hunny bunny, sex does NOT equal love. You need to get that RIGHT out of your head! Not saying she did or didnt love you cuz i havent been around here long enough to make that call, but just cuz she had sex with you doesnt mean she did.

 

Please don't think that way..youre totally setting yourself up to get really hurt if you do.

 

I know that sex doesn't equal love with girls. But for many girls sex is very connected to emotions. This girl is that type. I was only the second guy she's ever been with, and she was very adamant about only having sex with guys she really likes.

 

Even if I don't mention the sex, it was still obvious that this girl was very into me.

 

Unfortunately her infatuation didn't last. From what I've read about relationships, many relationships fall about around the six month range as the type of relationship changes. She had a lot of things going on and her feelings just changed.

 

Getting back to sex, from what I've read on this forum, when a girl is starting to lose feelings and isn't happy in the relationship, it's very common for her to stop wanting to have sex. And that makes perfect sense. Though she continued to eagerly have sex with me almost till the very end which was I was so caught off guard by the dumping.

[CrystalCastles]

Then she said that she wants to study for the test with me and asked for my number.

 

Dude, this girl is totally interested in you! Its as plain as day! I only have ever given out my number to guys who I've been friends with for a long time, or a potential interest. My female friends are all the same. Usually if you want to keep casual contact, its through facebook. Numbers are a bit more personal. At least, IME.

[clia]

I'm a little confused with all these girls.

 

Yes, maybe you should've jumped into the conversation with the two girls, but since you left class with one of them (I'll call her A) (and the other girl, B), I don't think it's a big deal that you didn't. It's good that at least now you know where they go.

 

But you did miss a huge opportunity here with B. I read your post and heard sad trombone music. B was practically throwing herself at you.

 

4. I ended up walking with that girl and another girl after class and we were talking about going dancing on Friday. The girl I'm interested in took off and I was left with the other girl. We talked for a bit about what the dance class we're in requires and she asked a question about the tests in the class. I told her that the test is easy and that I've taken this class before. Then she said that she wants to study for the test with me and asked for my number.

 

A leaves; B stays with you. Signal number 1 from B.

 

B asks for your phone number. Signal number 2 from B.

 

Then she asked if I've been to the little farmers market thing on campus. Next thing I know we're walking around together sampling stuff from the booths. Since we were already together sampling stuff so I suggested we have lunch. She said sure but still wanted to go around to the booths.

 

She asks you to the farmer's market, which means she wants to hang out with you more. Signal number 3 from B.

 

Feeling a bit brave I offered to drive her to the dance place on Friday and she happily accepted.

 

She agreed to go out with you on Friday night! She agreed to go out with you on Friday night! Signal number 4 from B.

 

We talked a bit more and she realized that she can't make it this Friday. I was getting hungry so I said "Alright, then I'll see in you in class next week."

 

Missed opportunity. You should have asked her out for another night.

 

Then she said something Like "no, I want to go out dancing. Do they have classes other day?"

 

She wants to go dancing with you! She wants to see you before another week passes! Signal number 5 from B.

 

I told her that they got a website and she should check it out and text me when she wants to go out.

 

Missed opportunity number two. This is so passive, Somedude. You should've pulled out your smartphone, looked up the website right then and there, and scheduled a date. Or told her you would check it out when you got home and give her a call to arrange it. Telling her to figure it out and to text you just seems really lame when she is practically screaming from the rooftops that she wants to go out with you over the next seven days.

 

Apparently that wasn't good enough for her so she calls the dance place and asks them what their schedule is for the week.

 

Signal number 6 from B. She is trying to nail you down, Somedude. You are letting her take the lead. Why? You should take the lead.

 

She then tells me what is going on and I suggested that she focus on three dances and to pick one of those. Her bus arrives and I tell her to text me what day she wants to go.

 

Another missed opportunity. You should've gotten her number. You should've picked one of the days when there was class and asked her out.

 

So somehow all this happens with a girl that I've never spoken to before outside of the few minutes we had while dancing, and we didn't even dance together today.

 

Yeah, this is how it tends to happen. Your belief that you need to have 46 conversations before you can ask a girl out on a date are just not true.

 

Also I realized that I should have gotten the number of the girl that is going out on Friday. I still have this thought that girls numbers are only given if she likes you and wants to go on a date. But in this situation it would have been perfectly acceptable for her to give me her number when we are putting together this dance thing.

 

So, B is practically throwing herself at you and you are fixated on A, who took off? I don't get it.

 

I'm planning on going out this Friday by myself hoping that the girl will be there. Even if she isn't, I should still have fun.

 

If you go after A, you lose all chance with B. Is it worth it?

 

I'm curious if the other girl will text me or if I just won't see her until next week.

 

You wouldn't have to wonder if you would've just made a date or gotten her number.

[MissBee]

I can't relate to liking someone strictly based on how they look.

 

I truly can't.

 

There are guys whom I think look good in an objective way but I don't want to date them nor do I even think of them romantically at all....then there are others that, even if they aren't as cute objectively, I am attracted to them because of the way they carry themselves, if it's a class and I hear them articulate themselves then it is based on the stuff they say, maybe their eyes, their smile...for me attraction is a PACKAGE...not just a one-dimensional idea about how their face or body looks. So for me your post seems so strange to how crushes/liking people works for me.

 

I do think it is shallow in the sense that it seems people with less depth or maybe emotional maturity tend to view things more one dimensionally than people who are not as shallow. To be honest somedude, when I realized you were in your thirties I was kind of shocked because the way you talk sometimes sounds like a much much younger man. In my mind, a man in his 30s should have a lot more grasp on what he wants from a relationship and how he chooses women besides just how their face looks. I think when we first start experiencing romantic attraction it's usually a lot shallower but as you date more and grow into yourself your criteria for a partner should be a lot more sophisticated.

[xxoo]

I know that sex doesn't equal love with girls. But for many girls sex is very connected to emotions. This girl is that type. I was only the second guy she's ever been with, and she was very adamant about only having sex with guys she really likes.

 

Even if I don't mention the sex, it was still obvious that this girl was very into me.

 

Unfortunately her infatuation didn't last. From what I've read about relationships, many relationships fall about around the six month range as the type of relationship changes. She had a lot of things going on and her feelings just changed.

 

Getting back to sex, from what I've read on this forum, when a girl is starting to lose feelings and isn't happy in the relationship, it's very common for her to stop wanting to have sex. And that makes perfect sense. Though she continued to eagerly have sex with me almost till the very end which was I was so caught off guard by the dumping.

 

You've got to remember that S was 20, and in her previous relationship she was a teenager. She's so young, she probably doesn't fully know what "type of girl" she is. Who she was in a teenage romance will probably never be repeated.

 

If you continue to date such young women, keep their developmental age in line with your expectations for behavior.

[somedude81]

I'm a little confused with all these girls.

 

Yes, maybe you should've jumped into the conversation with the two girls, but since you left class with one of them (I'll call her A) (and the other girl, B), I don't think it's a big deal that you didn't. It's good that at least now you know where they go.

 

But you did miss a huge opportunity here with B. I read your post and heard sad trombone music. B was practically throwing herself at you.

 

 

 

A leaves; B stays with you. Signal number 1 from B.

 

B asks for your phone number. Signal number 2 from B.

 

 

 

She asks you to the farmer's market, which means she wants to hang out with you more. Signal number 3 from B.

 

 

 

She agreed to go out with you on Friday night! She agreed to go out with you on Friday night! Signal number 4 from B.

 

 

 

Missed opportunity. You should have asked her out for another night.

 

 

 

She wants to go dancing with you! She wants to see you before another week passes! Signal number 5 from B.

 

 

 

Missed opportunity number two. This is so passive, Somedude. You should've pulled out your smartphone, looked up the website right then and there, and scheduled a date. Or told her you would check it out when you got home and give her a call to arrange it. Telling her to figure it out and to text you just seems really lame when she is practically screaming from the rooftops that she wants to go out with you over the next seven days.

 

 

 

Signal number 6 from B. She is trying to nail you down, Somedude. You are letting her take the lead. Why? You should take the lead.

 

 

 

Another missed opportunity. You should've gotten her number. You should've picked one of the days when there was class and asked her out.

 

 

 

Yeah, this is how it tends to happen. Your belief that you need to have 46 conversations before you can ask a girl out on a date are just not true.

 

 

 

So, B is practically throwing herself at you and you are fixated on A, who took off? I don't get it.

 

 

 

If you go after A, you lose all chance with B. Is it worth it?

 

 

 

You wouldn't have to wonder if you would've just made a date or gotten her number.

 

A is hotter

 

Also I've talked to A more than B so I don't actually know B. She just came out of nowhere.

 

Though I didn't mention it I do have B's number.

 

I sent her a text a while ago to tell me when she wants to go out. She hasn't replied. About five minutes after that I remembered that there is social dance meeting on campus tonight and I suggested she come. No reply.

 

So I'm a little lost on this girl.

 

Oddly enough she just showed up in the math lab and we just said "Hi" to each other then she walked to her one-on-one tutor.

 

I'm going to say bye to her when I leave in like a minute.

 

I don't know what my next move is with this girl.

[clia]

You are just being so passive and wishy washy. Be more assertive.

 

Not: Tell me when you want to go out.

This: Do you want to go out on Saturday night?

 

Not: You should come to the social dance meeting on campus tonight.

This: I'm going to the social dance meeting on campus tonight. Do you want to come with me or meet me there?

 

If you've already sent her two texts since you parted, though, you don't want to come on too strong at this point. Two texts in a row to a person who is basically a stranger is enough. The ball is in her court, albeit via a very weak lob. Just be friendly and say goodbye to her and see if she brings up getting together.

[somedude81]

You are just being so passive and wishy washy. Be more assertive.

 

Not: Tell me when you want to go out.

This: Do you want to go out on Saturday night?

 

Not: You should come to the social dance meeting on campus tonight.

This: I'm going to the social dance meeting on campus tonight. Do you want to come with me or meet me there?

 

If you've already sent her two texts since you parted, though, you don't want to come on too strong at this point. Two texts in a row to a person who is basically a stranger is enough. The ball is in her court, albeit via a very weak lob. Just be friendly and say goodbye to her and see if she brings up getting together.

Wow, you're so assertive clia

 

I'm disappointed that she didn't reply to either text.

 

She doesn't seem to be sure of her schedule so I was trying to be accommodating.

 

I'm thinking of texting her tomorrow to go dancing with me in Sunday, if I don't hear from her before then.

 

Good idea, bad idea?

[thefooloftheyear]

You've got to remember that S was 20, and in her previous relationship she was a teenager. She's so young, she probably doesn't fully know what "type of girl" she is. Who she was in a teenage romance will probably never be repeated.

 

If you continue to date such young women, keep their developmental age in line with your expectations for behavior.

 

 

Exactly....

 

Be prepared to bang your head against the wall some more, until you realize that its not really worth it...

 

TFY

[sid3]

 

I'm disappointed that she didn't reply to either text.

 

 

 

I'm thinking of texting her tomorrow to go dancing with me in Sunday, if I don't hear from her before then.

 

Good idea, bad idea?

 

Terrible idea! Unless you're banking on the third time being the charm.

[Cristo]

Just watch what they do....If they blush in your presence, fumble with words, drop stuff. flip their hair, laugh at everything you say, etc...

 

If you dont see these things then they are probably just being cordial..

 

My experiences anyway....FWIW

 

TFY

 

Yeah, but you never really know.

 

I remember I used to be part of a large social circle. The most beautiful woman in that group was about a head taller than me and just a really nice person. We also had a few tall, good-looking guys. To be honest, I didn't even really consider her as more than a friend because I felt that she was out of my league. She gave me absolutely no signs of interest whatsoever. No flirting, no fumbling, no nervousness, nothing. One day, I asked her out to dinner and made a move. This girl SMILED while we were kissing, a first for me. She was crazy about me. But I had absolutely no idea.

 

So I always make a point to ask out who I'm interested in, regardless of any signs from them. You just never really know what another person is thinking until you ask them.

[Teknoe]

And yes, I saw your post about public speaking/improv. It's something I've had in mind for a while.

 

 

Get the wheels in motion. Those classes really helped me to think on my feet and realize it's OK to mess up. One thing is for sure: they will challenge and push you towards growth.

 

And growth can only be a good thing for anybody.

[Els]

I actually disagree with the suggestions here - if you really want A and you end up just asking B out because she's more 'available', that means you'll be using her as a placeholder. It's not fair to you and not fair to B.

 

If you're interested in A, then ask A out.

[somedude81]

I can't relate to liking someone strictly based on how they look.

 

I truly can't.

 

There are guys whom I think look good in an objective way but I don't want to date them nor do I even think of them romantically at all....then there are others that, even if they aren't as cute objectively, I am attracted to them because of the way they carry themselves, if it's a class and I hear them articulate themselves then it is based on the stuff they say, maybe their eyes, their smile...for me attraction is a PACKAGE...not just a one-dimensional idea about how their face or body looks. So for me your post seems so strange to how crushes/liking people works for me.

 

I do think it is shallow in the sense that it seems people with less depth or maybe emotional maturity tend to view things more one dimensionally than people who are not as shallow. To be honest somedude, when I realized you were in your thirties I was kind of shocked because the way you talk sometimes sounds like a much much younger man. In my mind, a man in his 30s should have a lot more grasp on what he wants from a relationship and how he chooses women besides just how their face looks. I think when we first start experiencing romantic attraction it's usually a lot shallower but as you date more and grow into yourself your criteria for a partner should be a lot more sophisticated.

 

If you met a guy and he told you that not only was his longest relationship six months long, and that he's also only had one girlfriend. How old would you guess he was?

 

BTW, a woman's looks only get me to open the door. Her personality, vales/beliefs is what determines if I let her inside or not.

 

Few people are willing to date others they are not physically attracted to.

[somedude81]

I actually disagree with the suggestions here - if you really want A and you end up just asking B out because she's more 'available', that means you'll be using her as a placeholder. It's not fair to you and not fair to B.

 

If you're interested in A, then ask A out.

 

To be honest A doesn't seem to be that into me.

 

B is cute enough so that if she likes me, I'll go out with her.

 

Speaking of B, she never returned my texts so I'm just not going to contact her again. I'll talk to her in class next week.

[thefooloftheyear]

To be honest A doesn't seem to be that into me.

 

B is cute enough so that if she likes me, I'll go out with her.

 

Speaking of B, she never returned my texts so I'm just not going to contact her again. I'll talk to her in class next week.

 

Cross "B" off the list....

 

 

TFY

[somedude81]

Cross "B" off the list....

 

 

TFY

 

That's what it looks like.

 

Though it's pretty crazy that she basically wrote her own name on the list.

 

Women don't make no sense.

[xxoo]

That's what it looks like.

 

Though it's pretty crazy that she basically wrote her own name on the list.

 

Women don't make no sense.

 

If this is true, then what happened is that she gave you a opening to take charge, and you failed to do so. Women like guys who take charge of the romance stuff. Failing to do so is a turn off.

 

Since you're focused on her friend, it's probably for the best. But lesson learned for next time.

[somedude81]

If this is true, then what happened is that she gave you a opening to take charge, and you failed to do so. Women like guys who take charge of the romance stuff. Failing to do so is a turn off.

 

Since you're focused on her friend, it's probably for the best. But lesson learned for next time.

 

I still don't see it that way.

 

Honestly I have no idea if she was into me at all.

 

This is a girl who is pretty much a stranger that I'm in the same class with.

 

She mentioned wanting to practice dancing with her. So I text her to tell me when she wants to practice.

 

Do I really instantly lose because I didn't just tell her a day to meet me? Are women really that rigid?

[MidwestUSA]

If you met a guy and he told you that not only was his longest relationship six months long, and that he's also only had one girlfriend. How old would you guess he was?

 

 

If I've met him, I've seen his face. I'd guess his age by that.

[somedude81]

If I've met him, I've seen his face. I'd guess his age by that.

 

I was going to add a comment about disregarding his face.

 

Fine, same question but this time you read about a guy on a forum who is a new member and doesn't have his birth year in his name.

 

Absolutely nobody would guess that the guy was in his 30's.

 

BTW, I was talking to a different girl earlier about the dance place and I asked her what the crowd was like. She said that there are guys who are middle aged and older. And that there are also guys who are "our age." Then she said all the girls there are pretty much "our age" as well. And here I am thinking, "Girl, I'm probably 12 years older than you are, and you're including me in your age range. You're so sweet"

Edited September 25, 2014 by somedude81

[Teknoe]

If this is true, then what happened is that she gave you a opening to take charge, and you failed to do so. Women like guys who take charge of the romance stuff. Failing to do so is a turn off.

 

Since you're focused on her friend, it's probably for the best. But lesson learned for next time.

 

Agreed. Girl B seemed to be open to giving you a shot. Then you didn't step up and now she's turned off. Yes, the door can be open for only so long. It's amazing how timing is everything in life. After being passive, you're now suddenly being more aggressive (i.e. 2 texts in a row) but now, she might have moved on. It happens fast.

 

Next time, swing the bat.

 

I was going to add a comment about disregarding his face.

 

Fine, same question but this time you read about a guy on a forum who is a new member and doesn't have his birth year in his name.

 

Absolutely nobody would guess that the guy was in his 30's.

 

I'm not sure what does it matter?

 

The girls you're trying to date are seeing your face in real life... that's the bottom line.