Becoming more picky about looks?

[braindamage]

Do I really instantly lose because I didn't just tell her a day to meet me? Are women really that rigid?

 

Depends - if it's very fresh and new or she just sees you as an acquaintance for a long time then probably yes. If she has a crush on you then she won't let it go just like that. It's situational and also depends on the individual.

[SummerDreams]

Is it really obvious what really happened only to me or am I too smart?

 

SD was into A. His focus was on A. When B started hitting on him, he was acting all friendly but without giving any signals of more interest in B. B is not that hot, so that's a NONO for SD. B was doing her best to throw him the ball, she almost put the ball on his feet but SD was still thinking that B is not worth to turn on his charm self and give her a try. B realized after a while that SD is not interested in her, so she stopped being interested in him as well.

 

The point is that SD's obsession with looks made him lose a potential good date, and maybe more.

 

Plus I find it pathetic that the only plan SD has to ever find a gf is to just show up for dancing classes, thinking "the girls who go dancing must at least be fit, so there I go". So shallow. SD has not realized his real situation, that he is no good catch for a woman and that he has to give a whole lot of a try to become more interesting and he is still obsessed with looks and age (and boobs).

 

Desperate times call for desperate measures. He still hasn't seen the situation as it is, that's wy he is being so picky and arrogant. Lets see how it goes...

[xxoo]

I still don't see it that way.

 

Honestly I have no idea if she was into me at all.

 

This is a girl who is pretty much a stranger that I'm in the same class with.

 

She mentioned wanting to practice dancing with her. So I text her to tell me when she wants to practice.

 

Do I really instantly lose because I didn't just tell her a day to meet me? Are women really that rigid?

 

She's the opposite of rigid. Her interest is very fluid at first, and your behavior can strongly influence it. She saw something and thought "maybe...", tossed ghe ball your way to see what you do with it, and as a result of what you did with it (not much), her interest waned.

 

If she's lost interest, that's why. She realized you're not that into her. And she's right!

[Imajerk17]

Somedude, go back and read clia's breakdown of the situation. The way you handled it w Girl B was the equivalent of when a guy asks a girl out 3 times and the girl blows him off w lame excuses. If the guy doesn't know the girl well--say one interaction--the guy would conclude that the girl isn't interested and lose interest himself.

 

The *slightly* oversimplified version of things: Men initiate, women are receptive. If a woman isn't receptive when we initiate we lose interest. If we don't initiate when a woman is receptive she loses interest.

Edited September 25, 2014 by Imajerk17

[somedude81]

Why would she be interested in me if I've never even spoken to her before?

 

Then at what point did she lose interest in me? If what you guys are saying is true, she was still interested in me when she got on the bus. Before she got on the bus she was trying to figure out her schedule.

 

Then 30 minutes later I returned the text she had sent me a while ago as a way to give me her number, since I entered my number in her phone. The message was something like, "Hey (name), I got your text. Let me know if you want to go dancing this week."

 

I don't get how she could then conclude that I'm not interested in her and then lose all interest herself. Never mind the fact that I also invited her to the social dance meeting.

 

Frankly her ignoring my texts after she seemed so interested in going dancing with me is just rude. What did she expect me to do? We had just made plans to go out on Friday which she then canceled because she didn't remember her schedule. The reason I sent that text was to keep our interaction fresh in her mind and let her know that I am interested in going out with her, but that she needs to figure out when she can.

 

Lastly, I wanted to have lunch with her but she changed her mind. At that point I was trying to leave so I could go eat and she kept the conversation going. She was leading me to the bus stop, and then pointed out her bus when it arrived. Before I left we basically established that I want to go dancing, and that we can't do it until she knows her schedule.

Edited September 25, 2014 by somedude81

[Cristo]

Why would she be interested in me if I've never even spoken to her before?

 

Then at what point did she lose interest in me? If what you guys are saying is true, she was still interested in me when she got on the bus. Before she got on the bus she was trying to figure out her schedule.

 

Then 30 minutes later I returned the text she had sent me a while ago as a way to give me her number, since I entered my number in her phone. The message was something like, "Hey (name), I got your text. Let me know if you want to go dancing this week."

 

I don't get how she could then conclude that I'm not interested in her and then lose all interest herself. Never mind the fact that I also invited her to the social dance meeting.

 

Frankly her ignoring my texts after she seemed so interested in going dancing with me is just rude. What did she expect me to do? We had just made plans to go out on Friday which she then canceled because she didn't remember her schedule. The reason I sent that text was to keep our interaction fresh in her mind and let her know that I am interested in going out with her, but that she needs to figure out when she can.

 

Lastly, I wanted to have lunch with her but she changed her mind. At that point I was trying to leave so I could go eat and she kept the conversation going. She was leading me to the bus stop, and then pointed out her bus when it arrived. Before I left we basically established that I want to go dancing, and that we can't do it until she knows her schedule.

 

There's no way that a bunch of people on an internet forum can tell you whether or not a girl in your life is interested in you or not.

 

I wouldn't stress over these responses too much.

[thefooloftheyear]

Why would she be interested in me if I've never even spoken to her before?

 

Then at what point did she lose interest in me? If what you guys are saying is true, she was still interested in me when she got on the bus. Before she got on the bus she was trying to figure out her schedule.

 

Then 30 minutes later I returned the text she had sent me a while ago as a way to give me her number, since I entered my number in her phone. The message was something like, "Hey (name), I got your text. Let me know if you want to go dancing this week."

 

I don't get how she could then conclude that I'm not interested in her and then lose all interest herself. Never mind the fact that I also invited her to the social dance meeting.

 

Frankly her ignoring my texts after she seemed so interested in going dancing with me is just rude. What did she expect me to do? We had just made plans to go out on Friday which she then canceled because she didn't remember her schedule. The reason I sent that text was to keep our interaction fresh in her mind and let her know that I am interested in going out with her, but that she needs to figure out when she can.

 

Lastly, I wanted to have lunch with her but she changed her mind. At that point I was trying to leave so I could go eat and she kept the conversation going. She was leading me to the bus stop, and then pointed out her bus when it arrived. Before I left we basically established that I want to go dancing, and that we can't do it until she knows her schedule.

 

I disagree somewhat with some of the other posters on how you played it...I dont really see anything that you did to cause her to go cold...Id say if she was really into you she would be returning your very first text before she was done reading it...Maybe she did pick up on the fact that you werent very attracted to her...women are good at this...

 

When there is true attraction, then the "gamesmanship" of this all but goes out the window....IME, anyway...

 

But Ill say it again...I remember those days pretty vividly...Girls that age are rarely decisive and are often flippant and flaky....

 

If you want to play...then I guess you are going to have to learn to pay....

 

TFY

[Imajerk17]

All may not be lost somedude. Call her tomorrow (Friday) to set something up. We can debate forever about whether you were too passive or not too passive too this or not enough that, but when you call her be prepared to handle the logistics. Be the man w the plan.

Edited September 25, 2014 by Imajerk17

[somedude81]

Do I have to call or her or is a text OK?

 

If I knew her better I would call her.

 

There is Tango dancing Sunday night.

 

Honestly though, since she didn't reply to either of my text, I'm kinda tired of chasing her so hard.

 

I rather just talk to her in class on Monday and then see if we want to arrange something.

[clia]

Since she hasn't responded to two texts, I think you should hold off and talk to her in class Monday. Of course if she contacts you in the interim you should suggest dancing on Sunday.

[IttyBittyKitty]

Do I have to call or her or is a text OK?

 

If I knew her better I would call her.

 

There is Tango dancing Sunday night.

 

Honestly though, since she didn't reply to either of my text, I'm kinda tired of chasing her so hard.

 

I rather just talk to her in class on Monday and then see if we want to arrange something.

 

I think you should have set a date on the spot instead of leaving it up to her. Oh well..now you know for next time right? It's not that women need men to be aggressive, it's just that she probably thought since you didn't set the date right then and there that you didn't really mean it..it makes you look less interested in her. At least that's what I'd have thought.

 

I would leave it alone at this point and let the ball be in her court. If a guy texted me 3 times and I didn't respond, I'd probably dismiss him as a stage 5 clinger. I hope she writes back!

[IttyBittyKitty]

I know that sex doesn't equal love with girls. But for many girls sex is very connected to emotions. This girl is that type. I was only the second guy she's ever been with, and she was very adamant about only having sex with guys she really likes.

 

Even if I don't mention the sex, it was still obvious that this girl was very into me.

 

Unfortunately her infatuation didn't last. From what I've read about relationships, many relationships fall about around the six month range as the type of relationship changes. She had a lot of things going on and her feelings just changed.

 

Getting back to sex, from what I've read on this forum, when a girl is starting to lose feelings and isn't happy in the relationship, it's very common for her to stop wanting to have sex. And that makes perfect sense. Though she continued to eagerly have sex with me almost till the very end which was I was so caught off guard by the dumping.

 

Girls are becoming a lot more like guys these days with sex..I don't think it's like it used to be. Im 22 and i know lots of girls who have fwb that they dont feel emotionally connected to as more than friends.

 

Also when my ex and i broke up i kept having sex with him because i was trying to get my feelings back and save the relationship. I think i probably had sex with him more than i had in the past because of that.

 

It just bothers me that you equate so much of a relationship with how your sex life is. Maybe thats just how you come off on here and youre not like that in real life but it doesnt make you look very good on here.

 

Im not trying to make you feel bad so im sorry if i am.

[somedude81]

I think you should have set a date on the spot instead of leaving it up to her. Oh well..now you know for next time right? It's not that women need men to be aggressive, it's just that she probably thought since you didn't set the date right then and there that you didn't really mean it..it makes you look less interested in her. At least that's what I'd have thought.

 

But I did set a date with her on the spot. And then she canceled.

 

What should I have done? Set another day? What if we set a day and then she checks her schedule and realizes that she's not free on that day either? Doesn't it just make more sense for her to tell me when she's free?

 

I would leave it alone at this point and let the ball be in her court. If a guy texted me 3 times and I didn't respond, I'd probably dismiss him as a stage 5 clinger. I hope she writes back!

 

Alright, clia said the same thing so I'm not going to contact her again. Odds are I won't hear from her, so I'll just talk to her in class on Monday.

[somedude81]

Girls are becoming a lot more like guys these days with sex..I don't think it's like it used to be. Im 22 and i know lots of girls who have fwb that they dont feel emotionally connected to as more than friends.

 

Also when my ex and i broke up i kept having sex with him because i was trying to get my feelings back and save the relationship. I think i probably had sex with him more than i had in the past because of that.

 

It just bothers me that you equate so much of a relationship with how your sex life is. Maybe thats just how you come off on here and youre not like that in real life but it doesnt make you look very good on here.

 

Im not trying to make you feel bad so im sorry if i am.

 

Who dumped who in your relationship?

 

My ex wouldn't even talk to me on the phone after she dumped me so the thought of continuing to have sex with her after the break up is insane.

 

Sex is very important to me and it's a way that I feel and show love. I also have a very high sex drive.

 

All I can really say is that when I had a girlfriend that I frequently had sex with, I was extremely happy. Of course I was still very happy to spend time with her with our clothes on.

[ComingInHot]

fooloftheyear wrote, "...Girls that age are rarely decisive and are often flippant and flaky...."

 

Sadly, I have to agree as I most likely (see still a bit of denial going on here ) was one BUT only... nope I won't excuse it. Young can often = stupid in certain aspects

CIH*

[SJC2008]

SD wasn't the suavest but why isn't anyone examining *her* behavior. She drops hints, agrees to lunch and they make plans for Fri. Then at the flip of a switch she's "full" and and it turns out she's "busy" Friday, Then she ignores two texts.

 

She's either in LALA Land or she realized how old you are. That's what my money is on.

[IttyBittyKitty]

Who dumped who in your relationship?

 

My ex wouldn't even talk to me on the phone after she dumped me so the thought of continuing to have sex with her after the break up is insane.

 

Sex is very important to me and it's a way that I feel and show love. I also have a very high sex drive.

 

All I can really say is that when I had a girlfriend that I frequently had sex with, I was extremely happy. Of course I was still very happy to spend time with her with our clothes on.

 

I broke up with him.

 

I have a very very high sex drive too but it's not the only way I show love. It shouldnt be as big a focus as it seems to be for you. Most girls think other things are just as if not more important and you need to be sensitive to that if youre gonna hang onto a girl. You say that you were STILL happy to spend time with her with your clothes on like it was a consolation prize. Like it wasn't nearly as important as spending time with your clothes off. Thats not what any girl wants to hear. Girls are very sensitive to being used for sex because it happens so much. I know you werent but maybe she felt like you were sometimes.

[IttyBittyKitty]

But I did set a date with her on the spot. And then she canceled.

 

What should I have done? Set another day? What if we set a day and then she checks her schedule and realizes that she's not free on that day either? Doesn't it just make more sense for her to tell me when she's free?

 

 

 

Alright, clia said the same thing so I'm not going to contact her again. Odds are I won't hear from her, so I'll just talk to her in class on Monday.

 

When she said she was busy the day you suggested, you should have suggested another day. If she said no to that too, thats when you say ok well you tell me. But you try to get her to do it right then and there in person instead of relying on texting.

[somedude81]

I broke up with him.

 

I have a very very high sex drive too but it's not the only way I show love. It shouldnt be as big a focus as it seems to be for you. Most girls think other things are just as if not more important and you need to be sensitive to that if youre gonna hang onto a girl. You say that you were STILL happy to spend time with her with your clothes on like it was a consolation prize. Like it wasn't nearly as important as spending time with your clothes off. Thats not what any girl wants to hear. Girls are very sensitive to being used for sex because it happens so much. I know you werent but maybe she felt like you were sometimes.

 

If you dumped him, why continue to have sex? That doesn't make any sense.

 

And no, my ex never felt that I was using her for sex. As I've said many times, she was always eager to have sex with me and she never turned me down.

 

No matter what I say, I get the feeling that you will think that having sex with her is the only thing I cared about in the relationship. I will say that you are wrong, and leave it at that. I haven't seen the girl in almost ten months so there is no point in drudging up old memories.

[IttyBittyKitty]

If you dumped him, why continue to have sex? That doesn't make any sense.

 

And no, my ex never felt that I was using her for sex. As I've said many times, she was always eager to have sex with me and she never turned me down.

 

No matter what I say, I get the feeling that you will think that having sex with her is the only thing I cared about in the relationship. I will say that you are wrong, and leave it at that. I haven't seen the girl in almost ten months so there is no point in drudging up old memories.

 

I didn't have sex with him after we broke up. I had sex with him before I broke up with him to try to get the passion back.

 

I never said that i thought thats all you wanted i said thats how you come across here, you seem very focused on sex and not so much on other stuff. im sure you were different in person. But you cant ever know what your ex was thinking and its silly to think you can. Theres no such thing as a break up that comes out of nowhere. She may not have shared her reasons with you but she did have reasons.

 

Im sorry to bring up old memories. I think its good that you want to stop focusing on her and try to find new girls. I hope that girl does text you back.

[xxoo]

Why would she be interested in me if I've never even spoken to her before?

 

Just in general, a woman might strike up a conversation to see if she is interested. Very often, it's a slow build of, "Yeah, I could really like this guy", or "Eh, not much interest after all".

 

It's probably not the way you are imagining: "Ooh, I like him!" [talk] "No, I don't like him any more."

[Imajerk17]

I am bringing up the below post, somedude81, not to "make you feel bad" for past mistakes but so that you get some insight as to how it looked from her end, and what to do next time. I trust that there will be plenty of next times!

 

Then she asked if I've been to the little farmers market thing on campus. Next thing I know we're walking around together sampling stuff from the booths. Since we were already together sampling stuff 1. so I suggested we have lunch. She said sure but still wanted to go around to the booths. 2. Feeling a bit brave I offered to drive her to the dance place on Friday and she happily accepted.

 

1. and 2. above were great. You were taking the lead and showing interest in a direct appropriate way. Both good things. Nice!

 

Below is where you want to change things...

 

We finally got to the end of the booths and I suggested we go eat but she said that she just filled up from all the food she was snacking on and was no longer interested in lunch. We talked a bit more and she realized that she can't make it this Friday. I was getting hungry so 1. I said "Alright, then I'll see in you in class next week." Then she said something Like "no, I want to go out dancing. Do they have classes other day?" 2. I told her that they got a website and she should check it out and text me when she wants to go out. Apparently that wasn't good enough for her so 3. she calls the dance place and asks them what their schedule is for the week. She then tells me what is going on and 4. I suggested that she focus on three dances and to pick one of those. Her bus arrives and I tell her to text me what day she wants to go.

This 1--4 just above though, made you look indecisive, disinterested, and lazy. If I didn't know your style on LS I would be thinking that you just were not into her. As in you walked around with her/had samples/lunch and then you decided you weren't into her. She most surely thinks the same way. Which might explain why she didn't return your texts. She likely feels embarrassed that she expressed so much interest and you seemed lukewarm (which would be her problem if you weren't interested but if you are it is yours too). How could she feel good about accepting to hang out with you? If she told her friends and showed them the texts you sent what do you think they would tell her?

 

Which is why I suggest you call her either today or tomorrow, with the plans and logistics handled at the ready. If you get her vm say "Hey {girl's name} this is {your name}. I enjoyed hanging out with you Wednesday. Anyway there is this dance event Sunday night and I would like for you to come with me. Talk to you soon."

Next time, decisiveness is your friend. It will not only get you a lot more "yes"s but even if you don't get "yes" it will get you clarity so you're not wasting time and energy. IF you had tried to schedule a date with her then and there then you would have either had a date or you would have known that she wasn't interested. You wouldn't be wasting any headspace thinking about your interaction because you would have done all that you could.

Edited September 25, 2014 by Imajerk17

[clia]

SD wasn't the suavest but why isn't anyone examining *her* behavior. She drops hints, agrees to lunch and they make plans for Fri. Then at the flip of a switch she's "full" and and it turns out she's "busy" Friday, Then she ignores two texts.

 

She's either in LALA Land or she realized how old you are. That's what my money is on.

 

I've had situations where I've been making plans with people and then realized later that I already had plans for that night. I'm not that great with my calendar at times, particularly if I'd made plans in advance. I forget. So, to me that in and of itself doesn't raise any alarm bells. She was obviously excited about going dancing and got caught up in the moment. As for agreeing to lunch and then being full...if they were eating at the farmer's market, I don't find this to be that crazy either.

 

Not responding to the texts...here is my two cents, for what it's worth.

 

Somedude already told her to let him know when she wanted to go dancing, so the ball was already in her court. His text to her simply said the same thing again, in a very short time frame. There was really no need for it at all and if she hadn't figured out her schedule yet, potentially no need to respond yet. (I don't think he asked her a question.) If I got a text like that, I might think "Well, you already said that and I already told you I would." I don't think Somedude should've sent this text, period.

 

As for the second text...the polite thing would've been to thank Somedude and let him know she couldn't go. But again, there was no question to answer, just a casual, "you should come." We don't know anything about her texting style. She might've seen the text, knew she couldn't go because she already had plans, and just didn't respond. That may be her style. Personally, I don't respond to every text I get.

 

She also might've sensed Somedude's ambivalence toward her and decided she wasn't interested in him after all.

 

Who knows, really?

[Phoe]

She also might've sensed Somedude's ambivalence toward her and decided she wasn't interested in him after all.

 

I think this a very big possibility.

 

When I'm into a guy, and trying hard and putting myself out there and doing the initiating, and I get no interest back, I feel a bit embarrassed and back way off.

[somedude81]

Oh yeah I forgot to mention what happened in surfing today.

 

Unsurprisingly the girl I was interested in has a boyfriend.

 

Though that doesn't matter as I got the number of a different girl who wants to go out this week. I didn't have my phone with me so I gave her my number. She texted me a while ago saying who she is so I'd have her number.

 

I have not replied to that message. What should I text her? I want to surf on Saturday.