Becoming more picky about looks?

[Phoe]

That's almost how you have to think and approach getting a career job. And in some or even many respects, I feel it's similar with attracting women. For most girls, they have many suitors at any one time. What makes you stand out from the 5-6 other guys all gunning for her?

 

 

I think the idea that women have many men pursuing them at any one time is a bit exaggerated on this forum. It was something I never heard of before this forum, it was a strange concept reserved for that rare girl that somehow inspired such behavior from men. It's not common, I'd say. I've never had more than one guy interested me in one time, regularly went long periods of time with NO men interested in me, and most of my female friends have had the same. I can think of maybe 2-3 women who have had many men interested in her at once, but it wasn't something that was happening all the time. It just so happened for one particular month, she had 4 guys that were into her. At other times of the year she may have had none.

 

I've never known, or even heard of any regular woman who has a steady pile of guys lined up for her, at every minute of every day, everyday of every year. Just doesn't happen.

 

However, SD, I do agree that being the best applicant you can be is a good thing. Pretending like you're one of many will get you doing your best. Pretend like there's 10 other guys who are trying to date her, and that you're going to be the best of them all.

[Teknoe]

No she wont!

 

You keep talking down about yourself. Why?

 

 

She'll see me as not interested in her. Who knows how many other guys in her life are keeping her at arms length and treating her like one of the guys.

 

 

Honestly, that advice from xxoo seems really bad. I'd love to hear and explanation that makes sense.

 

Truth of the matter is, SD, either a woman is interested in you, or isn't. There is also a third category where it's "possibly interested... need more data to process"... truth is bro... if you're in the "not interested" category there's no strategy you can employ to get her to like you.

 

If you're in the 2nd category of maybe interested... keeping her at arm's length COULD work as it COULD build up the intrigue.

 

Again, there is no proven formula and it's not an exact science.

 

But I think we can all agree clingy guys don't do well. And the danger with you hanging out 1 on 1 with a girl a lot is you do tend to put her on a pedestal, and eventually, that gets old for a girl... even if she liked you back.

 

I want to know though, why do you continue talking yourself down and saying no girl could possibly be interested in you right now?

[somedude81]

Just like men, a woman can develop feelings over time.

 

My ex did not want to date me the first week she knew me. Over the period of a couple months she started to fall for me. By the time we went on our first date, she already really liked me.

[Teknoe]

I think the idea that women have many men pursuing them at any one time is a bit exaggerated on this forum. It was something I never heard of before this forum, it was a strange concept reserved for that rare girl that somehow inspired such behavior from men. It's not common, I'd say. I've never had more than one guy interested me in one time, regularly went long periods of time with NO men interested in me, and most of my female friends have had the same. I can think of maybe 2-3 women who have had many men interested in her at once, but it wasn't something that was happening all the time. It just so happened for one particular month, she had 4 guys that were into her. At other times of the year she may have had none.

 

I've never known, or even heard of any regular woman who has a steady pile of guys lined up for her, at every minute of every day, everyday of every year. Just doesn't happen.

 

It's based on our own life experiences.

 

For me, having gone through the mid 20s-early 30s church scene, it was like that. For any young sister in Christ who was 24-30, and somehow still single, and even decent looking, oh yeah, you had a lot of single brothers gunning for her. In fact, my good friend and I liked the same woman at the same time. So coming from my background, that's how it's been for me. Also, the last girl I was pursuing, my ex-co-worker was trying to date her, too, I found out. So yeah, I've found the girls I've liked anyway, have had more than one suitor (me).

 

Of course, it might be different for other people based on their own life experience. Maybe it's something to do with the church scene and their propensity to settle down and have a family that permeates this "multiple guys gunning for 1 girl" environment.

 

I do imagine though, for young college girls, you have a lot of college guys wanting to date/get in bed with.

[Teknoe]

Just like men, a woman can develop feelings over time.

 

Maybe you should have given girl B a chance then. Maybe your feelings could have grown for her over time.

 

Talk to her Monday and see how it goes. If she hasn't returned 2 texts in a row though, I wouldn't get my hopes up. clia broke it down well. You should have been more assertive. Would probably have a date with girl B by now if you were.

 

Hopefully, it's a lesson learned. Next time, lead the woman. Step up to the plate and take a swing. Don't be wishy washy "pick a time and let me know." Offer instead. No fear.

[xxoo]

What is the purpose of treating her like one of the guys and not trying to be alone with her?

 

You asked what to do if she turns you down for a date. In light of your concerns about growing attached to a woman who doesn't want to date you, treat her like one of the guys and don't seek one on one time with her.

[Phoe]

It's based on our own life experiences.

 

For me, having gone through the mid 20s-early 30s church scene, it was like that. For any young sister in Christ who was 24-30, and somehow still single, and even decent looking, oh yeah, you had a lot of single brothers gunning for her. In fact, my good friend and I liked the same woman at the same time. So coming from my background, that's how it's been for me. Also, the last girl I was pursuing, my ex-co-worker was trying to date her, too, I found out. So yeah, I've found the girls I've liked anyway, have had more than one suitor (me).

 

Of course, it might be different for other people based on their own life experience. Maybe it's something to do with the church scene and their propensity to settle down and have a family that permeates this "multiple guys gunning for 1 girl" environment.

 

I do imagine though, for young college girls, you have a lot of college guys wanting to date/get in bed with.

 

I can see how in the church environment it can be that way. Small environment of people with a similar important interest.

 

In college though, there's so many people, in a much larger environment. So many people, you will never meet all of them, so many, that there's no reason for 5 men to compete for 1 girl, because there's 5 more girls who just walked past.

 

I spent my entire 4 years in college single. I got asked on a date 4 times. The idea of extreme competition is a bit of a myth.

[somedude81]

You asked what to do if she turns you down for a date. In light of your concerns about growing attached to a woman who doesn't want to date you, treat her like one of the guys and don't seek one on one time with her.

 

Oh!!!!!

 

I didn't know you were answering that question. You should have been more clear on that.

 

I thought you were suggesting that's what I should do on Monday and not try to ask her out.

 

Of course, Teknoe thought the same exact thing

[somedude81]

Maybe you should have given girl B a chance then. Maybe your feelings could have grown for her over time.

 

Talk to her Monday and see how it goes. If she hasn't returned 2 texts in a row though, I wouldn't get my hopes up. clia broke it down well. You should have been more assertive. Would probably have a date with girl B by now if you were.

 

Hopefully, it's a lesson learned. Next time, lead the woman. Step up to the plate and take a swing. Don't be wishy washy "pick a time and let me know." Offer instead. No fear.

 

LOL dude, you're just parroting what other people are saying.

 

I did give girl B a chance when I talked to her on Thursday. I told her that I want to go dancing on Sunday. She said that she will check her schedule and let me know. I still have not heard back from her and I doubt I will.

 

When I see her on Monday, I'm going to tell her all about the fun I had on Friday night and that she missed out.

[Phoe]

 

When I see her on Monday, I'm going to tell her all about the fun I had on Friday night and that she missed out.

 

This is good. Nonchalant. You had fun regardless

[fortyninethousand322]

No she wont!

 

She'll see me as not interested in her. Who knows how many other guys in her life are keeping her at arms length and treating her like one of the guys.

 

Honestly, that advice from xxoo seems really bad. I'd love to hear and explanation that makes sense.

 

Actually, I'm with you on this.

 

Playing hard to get only works if you're hard to get.

 

Telling someone to treat people they're interested in "just like anyone else" is a bit like telling someone the secret to being good at basketball is to just "make your shots". If you don't explain how to shoot a basket, it doesn't mean jack. If you don't explain just how to treat people just like anyone else, it won't count for anything.

[thefooloftheyear]

Just like men, a woman can develop feelings over time.

 

My ex did not want to date me the first week she knew me. Over the period of a couple months she started to fall for me. By the time we went on our first date, she already really liked me.

 

 

But then she proceeded to drop you right on your head...

 

ehhh.....I dunno.....

 

Its never been my experience...A guy I know had been saying this to me for several months now about a woman he was "dating". I told him that if she is luke warm on him from the beginning that she isnt going to all of a sudden find him to become the cats meow..And after a year of jerking his chain, she finally dumped him...

 

Just dont see that and IME, its not how attraction works...I see it as its there from the start, or it might be a "settling" at best...but I cant say I am an expert...just relaying personal experiences..

 

Now, if you told me you won Powerball, then all of a sudden you became God's gift....well that would make perfect sense....

 

TFY

Edited September 27, 2014 by thefooloftheyear

[xxoo]

Oh!!!!!

 

I didn't know you were answering that question. You should have been more clear on that.

 

Maybe you should be more clear in your questions, because the only question I saw in your post was what you should do if she said no

[Teknoe]

Telling someone to treat people they're interested in "just like anyone else" is a bit like telling someone the secret to being good at basketball is to just "make your shots". If you don't explain how to shoot a basket, it doesn't mean jack. If you don't explain just how to treat people just like anyone else, it won't count for anything.

 

On the flip side, no amount of coaching can help someone if that person isn't willing to step outside their comfort zone and put the hard work in.

 

A lot of the advice SD has been given have been proven to enrich other people's lives. There's a decent chance it could improve his as well, if only he were willing to open himself up to it. Even if it doesn't lead him directly to a GF, it will make him a healthier person, overall, and I think that's just as important as attracting a GF.

 

It's impossible to get to 2nd base without first touching first. You can skip steps in life if you wish, but don't be surprised when others skip out on you in return.

[rester]

LOL, I think I need to make a chart.

 

A is the girl in my dance class that I like. She's the one who ran away from me last week when I wanted to dance with her. She's going out to the dance place on Friday. She invited me and B as well.

 

B is the girl that I walked through the on campus farmers market with and tried to make plans.

 

C was the girl in surfing who I just learned has a boyfriend. She lost her letter and the new surfing girl whose number I have is the new C.

 

D is a math tutor that I want to get closer to on Tuesday.

 

I don't know if any of the above girls are single so I'm just assuming they are. They may actually all have boyfriends which wouldn't surprise me at all. I'll just need to find out.

 

I quoted the above as a refresher. lol

 

SD, what are you intentions with these women? Because, and correct me if I'm wrong, this is how I am seeing it from where I am sitting.

 

A - you want to go out with her but you don't want her to know you want to go out with her until you find out if she has a boyfriend or not

B - you want to go out with her, but only if you can't go out with A

C - You want to go surfing with her this weekend. Did you call her up and invite her? (I'm in the "don't text; call her" camp, but that's a debate of its own)

D - you want to go out with her but don't want to screw up your tutoring

 

Like I said, if I'm wrong, correct me. I'm just trying to clear up what your intentions are, because once you have clear intentions, it makes it easier for you to make those intentions known to others, and also makes it easier for people on here to give you advice.

[Imajerk17]

I kind of agree with Teknoe. Kind of. If a girl is interested in you, it's fairly easy. If a girl is not interested after having made a solid initial impression of you (as Girl A had), it is unlikely to happen. While neediness is no bueno, playing hard-to-get isn't going to help anything.

 

I don't think this girl is interested somedude81. Maybe there is a chance she could be. The most likely way is if she has fun spending time with you--i.e., dancing with you in class. If your interaction with her goes well see if she will hang out with you one-on-one. But overall it looks like a longshot, so don't put too much energy towards this girl.

Edited September 27, 2014 by Imajerk17

[rester]

...

I did give girl B a chance when I talked to her on Thursday. I told her that I want to go dancing on Sunday. She said that she will check her schedule and let me know. I still have not heard back from her and I doubt I will.

 

When I see her on Monday, I'm going to tell her all about the fun I had on Friday night and that she missed out.

 

This is good. Nonchalant. You had fun regardless

 

I respectfully disagree. He's trying to make her jealous because she didn't reply to his texts. That's not a good idea, in my opinion, if he still wants a chance with her.

 

 

...

So I should definitely just wait for her to contact me. I do want to go out dancing these weekend, so I'll go the place where Girl A (the other girl) is going to be on Friday.

 

Maybe I'll tell Girl B about it on Monday to try and get her jealous if she didn't text me over the weekend and, then try to make plans with her to go out.

[thefooloftheyear]

I kind of agree with Teknoe. Kind of. If a girl is interested in you, it's fairly easy. If a girl is not interested after having made a solid initial impression of you (as Girl A had), it is unlikely to happen. While neediness is no bueno, playing hard-to-get isn't going to help anything.

 

I don't think this girl is interested somedude81. Maybe there is a chance she could be. The most likely way is if she has fun spending time with you--i.e., dancing with you in class. If your interaction with her goes well see if she will hang out with you one-on-one. But overall it looks like a longshot, so don't put too much energy towards this girl.

 

True...

 

And I think he is making this WAY...harder by targeting this age group of girls...Does she or does she not.??....will she or wont she??...blah blah blah...Id rather drag my nuts over broken glass than put up with that..

 

They dont know what they hell they want....

 

Everyone is entitled to want what they want, but older women are more decisive and less flighty...Who needs to play games when you are 33 years old???

 

TFY

[fortyninethousand322]

On the flip side, no amount of coaching can help someone if that person isn't willing to step outside their comfort zone and put the hard work in.

 

A lot of the advice SD has been given have been proven to enrich other people's lives. There's a decent chance it could improve his as well, if only he were willing to open himself up to it. Even if it doesn't lead him directly to a GF, it will make him a healthier person, overall, and I think that's just as important as attracting a GF.

 

It's impossible to get to 2nd base without first touching first. You can skip steps in life if you wish, but don't be surprised when others skip out on you in return.

 

I mean I agree. I just think that sometimes advice or direction can go over someone's head when the person giving it has a different perspective or idea about what their advice means. To you "treating girls the same as a friend" might mean something totally different than what it means when someone else hears it. Again, sometimes. Not always.

[Phoe]

I respectfully disagree. He's trying to make her jealous because she didn't reply to his texts. That's not a good idea, in my opinion, if he still wants a chance with her.

 

Making her jealous isn't really what I think should be the intention. Don't know why she would be jealous that he went there and she didn't. That would be weird.

 

Moreso I think it's good that he is showing he is capable of going out and having fun, and that he didn't sit at home waiting for a response from her. That's what it's about.

[rester]

Making her jealous isn't really what I think should be the intention. Don't know why she would be jealous that he went there and she didn't. That would be weird.

 

Moreso I think it's good that he is showing he is capable of going out and having fun, and that he didn't sit at home waiting for a response from her. That's what it's about.

 

I completely agree with you, but he specifically said he is going to try to make her jealous.

 

There's a difference between trying to make someone jealous and trying to show that he's a fun guy. Most people can pick up on these small social cues.

 

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by somedude81

...

So I should definitely just wait for her to contact me. I do want to go out dancing these weekend, so I'll go the place where Girl A (the other girl) is going to be on Friday.

 

Maybe I'll tell Girl B about it on Monday to try and get her jealous if she didn't text me over the weekend and, then try to make plans with her to go out.

[somedude81]

I quoted the above as a refresher. lol

 

SD, what are you intentions with these women? Because, and correct me if I'm wrong, this is how I am seeing it from where I am sitting.

 

A - you want to go out with her but you don't want her to know you want to go out with her until you find out if she has a boyfriend or not

It doesn't matter if she knows I'm interested in her or not.

 

There just isn't any point in asking her out if she has a boyfriend.

 

Right now she's the girl I'm the most interested in.

 

B - you want to go out with her, but only if you can't go out with A

 

I'd like to go out with B regardless of what happens with A.

 

If I could only choose one girl to go out with, she is currently my third choice.

 

C - You want to go surfing with her this weekend. Did you call her up and invite her? (I'm in the "don't text; call her" camp, but that's a debate of its own)

 

I have no actual interest in her other than she's a girl. I sent her a text and she didn't reply.

 

I just want to make a female surfing buddy from the class and I don't really care who it is.

 

D - you want to go out with her but don't want to screw up your tutoring

 

She only works the math area on Tuesday afternoons so I don't have any worry of anything going wrong with us affecting the tutoring.

 

I want to make some sort of move on her Tuesday.

 

Like I said, if I'm wrong, correct me. I'm just trying to clear up what your intentions are, because once you have clear intentions, it makes it easier for you to make those intentions known to others, and also makes it easier for people on here to give you advice.

 

To make things a little more clear, I"ll drop the surfing girl from C and move the tutor girl into C.

 

Right now there are three girls I'd like to go out with. And I'm trying to meet somebody in surfing.

[somedude81]

I respectfully disagree. He's trying to make her jealous because she didn't reply to his texts. That's not a good idea, in my opinion, if he still wants a chance with her.

 

Making her jealous isn't really what I think should be the intention. Don't know why she would be jealous that he went there and she didn't. That would be weird.

 

Moreso I think it's good that he is showing he is capable of going out and having fun, and that he didn't sit at home waiting for a response from her. That's what it's about.

 

I did use jealous but it probably wasn't the right word.

 

I'm just annoyed that she seemed interested in me and did a complete 180.

 

During class on Monday I'm just going to tell her that I went dancing on Friday, had a lot of fun and that she should have come.

[fortyninethousand322]

I did use jealous but it probably wasn't the right word.

 

I'm just annoyed that she seemed interested in me and did a complete 180.

 

Women can do that.

 

Sucks, but it is what it is.

[somedude81]

I kind of agree with Teknoe. Kind of. If a girl is interested in you, it's fairly easy. If a girl is not interested after having made a solid initial impression of you (as Girl A had), it is unlikely to happen. While neediness is no bueno, playing hard-to-get isn't going to help anything.

 

I don't think this girl is interested somedude81. Maybe there is a chance she could be. The most likely way is if she has fun spending time with you--i.e., dancing with you in class. If your interaction with her goes well see if she will hang out with you one-on-one. But overall it looks like a longshot, so don't put too much energy towards this girl.

 

A long shot is still better than no shot.

 

Right now I'm of the mindset that no women would ever be interested in me. So I might as well never pursue anybody. But I'm sick of being single and the only way to change that is to put myself out there and take risks. At least I can be satisfied knowing that I tried.